Chapter 13 #3
“I think it sounds awesome,” I say soothingly. “If you wanna make something less lame for next time, though, call me.”
Brie laughs, just as I hoped she would. “’Kay. Thanks, Uncle Ames.”
“Good luck today. Kill that belt test. I love you.”
“Love you too,” she says, calmer now.
We hang up just as Robbie’s jogging down the stairs. He’s pulled on a sweatshirt and sneakers with his sweatpants, and he looks like a fucking snack . Way tastier than pretzels and oranges.
“Our conversation’s not over, Ames,” he warns as he grabs his keys from the counter.
Contrary to what my brothers might tell you, I do know how to stay quiet when it matters. I don’t say a damn word.
But I guess I forgot for a minute there that Robbie knows me because he doesn’t leave it at that. He crosses the kitchen in two long strides. “Be here when I get back, and don’t make me come looking for you, okay?”
Before I say a word, he takes my head in one hand and kisses me hard.
“I mean it,” he calls as a warning as he heads for the front door.
I press my fingers to my lips. I can still feel the kiss like it’s imprinted itself into my skin.
But that’s just more delusion. More weakness.
I decide I am not waiting around to see how weak the man can make me.
Before Robbie’s truck’s pulled out of the driveway, I’m dialing Holden.
“Lucky I was in the neighborhood,” Holden grumbles. “I should be spending this perfect Saturday as god intended—finding a hot tourist who has a thing for a man in uniform.” He darts me a look. “Not being your getaway driver.”
My brother’s currently hovering next to me as I limp down Robbie’s walkway and is carrying my duffel bag—a bag he packed while I pointed at various objects on the floor I couldn’t bend over and reach—so I know his put-upon attitude is all for show.
When Robbie’s across-the-street neighbor waves and Holden grins and waves back, the image is further destroyed.
“I appreciate you,” I tell him honestly as I get settled in the passenger’s seat of his sheriff’s SUV. “Really, Holden. You’re my favorite. ”
“Uh-huh. So are you gonna tell me why we’re fleeing Robbie’s place like thieves in the night?” he demands.
“Pfft. Don’t be dramatic.”
“Not an actual answer,” he notes. “Where is Robbie, anyway?”
“Driving Brie to tae kwon do. Mike no-showed her, the fucker.”
Holden shakes his head. “Thank god Robbie’s such a good guy, huh? For Brie and Kaylee and Anna’s sakes.”
“Yep,” I manage. “Rob’s a giver, alright.”
Holden darts a glance at me as we pull away from the curb. “Okay, spill your guts, Axford.”
I shake my head. I can’t, and I won’t. Talking about that shit-show conversation would make it real.
“Fine, then. Bet I can guess what the problem is: Rob’s coddling you to death, and you’re feeling smothered.”
“Damn. Nailed it,” I agree. “Another trick from policeman summer camp?”
He raises an eyebrow. “You know, Rob was really fucked-up when you got hurt, Ames. I mean, I know you know… but I don’t know if you know . You know?”
I turn my head and peer at him. “Is this some kind of enhanced interrogation technique? Speak English.”
“I was working the perimeter at the fire, remember? And when I heard on the radio they were taking you to the hospital, I was scared. Obviously, either of us could get injured at any time. I get that here—” He taps his temple.
“—since it’s the nature of our jobs, but I didn’t really believe it here —” He taps his heart. “—until that moment.”
Holden’s talking calmly, but the fact that he’s talking about this at all means something. It’s like I told Robbie—despite the shit my brothers and sister and I give each other, we love each other unreasonably and like each other most of the time too.
“Holden—”
“My point is that as scared as I was, what Robbie was going through was beyond any of that. He wouldn’t talk to anyone, Ames. Wouldn’t let the doctors treat him. He stared at the wall like he was trying to see through it to where you were. Like he was tethering you to Earth by force of will.”
“It worked,” I say hoarsely since I can’t get the words through the lump in my throat. “I’m here.”
I shift a little on my seat and don’t look at Holden. I can’t actually remember if I’ve thanked Robbie for saving me. Certainly not enough.
Damn .
“So all that being said,” Holden continues, “if Rob wants to plump your pillows and cut your chickie nuggies into tiny pieces for a week or a month or the rest of your natural lives, you could maybe go ahead and let him , yeah?”
I shake my head. “It’s not that. I mean, yes, I hate feeling dependent, even with Robbie, but I… I don’t mind as much with him.”
“M’kay. So why’d we pull a Thelma and Louise?”
I shut my mouth, determined not to open it again.
But Holden drives the speed limit, which is wildly annoying, and takes long pauses at every fucking stop sign. The way this ride is going, I will be one hundred years old before we get to my place.
“Have you ever had someone offer you something that was everything you’ve always wanted, but they’re offering it for the wrong reasons?” I finally demand .
Holden pulls over. Just straight up stops his SUV on the side of Poplar Road and turns in his seat to look at me. “Stop waffling. Real talk.”
He already pretty much knows the history of me being hopelessly in love with my straight best friend, though we’ve never officially discussed it. But I tell him the new bits. About Robbie acting weird, about Lissa, about the kiss this morning. About Robbie saying he’s attracted to me.
When I wind down, Holden’s quiet for a long moment.
“So let me understand,” he says at length. “Your best friend, the kid you practically had Mom and Dad adopt sixteen years ago, the guy I think of as a brother… just told you he’s attracted to men.”
“Well… yes,” I agree. “Sort of. I mean, just the one man. Me . At least I think. We didn’t really get into?—”
“And your response, brother… your super-supportive response to him trusting you with this… was to tell him that no, he isn’t ? That’s how we handle someone coming out to us?”
I shake my head. “No! It’s not… he wasn’t coming out , Holden. He was talking about me and him. And you know how Robbie is! He’s too good for this world. He’s trying to be what he thinks I need. He’s reacting out of fear. When he says he’s attracted to me, he doesn’t actually mean?—”
Holden’s eyes meet mine. He’s not the brother I look most like—that’s probably True—but our eyes are the same, and encountering his judgmental gaze is a little bit like holding up a mirror.
My breath sighs out of me. “Ah, fuck me. He was coming out, wasn’t he? Shit . I’m the worst. The actual worst.” I clench my hand into a fist on my thigh. “But you get why I freaked out, right?”
“Of course. Because he kissed you exactly the way you’ve always dreamed of being kissed, and now you’re scared shitless.”
I turn my head and glare.
He holds up both hands. “What? Aren’t you? And no judgment! For what it’s worth, Ames, I think you were right to put the kibosh on all that.”
I narrow my eyes. “You do?”
Holden snorts. “Hell yes. You’re being smart, bro.
I mean, what if Robbie doesn’t actually want you the way he says he does?
” He pauses and considers. “It’s unlikely, since we both know people grow and change and discover new things about themselves all the time—I mean, just look at Carlos.
And extra unlikely since Rob’s not one to say things he doesn’t mean. But it’s definitely possible.”
I frown.
“And even if he wants you… fuck, maybe you won’t actually want him . Maybe you’ll be like the dog who caught the car, and once you have him, you won’t know what to do with him. Lots of guys are only attracted to unavailable men. It’s a thing.”
I wrinkle my nose. “Uh, no?—”
“And… shit,” Holden goes on, warming up now, “what if you want him and he wants you, but you’re just not compatible as more than friends?
What if he only gets off while having missionary in the dark and listening to boner-killing organ riffs from Phantom of the Opera ?
I hooked up with a guy like that once. Or what if that kiss today was a one-off, and he usually kisses like he’s trying to shiv your throat with his tongue?
Hooked up with guys like that more than once.
Or—damn—what if he’s a big ol’ bottom like you, and you?—? ”
“Fuck off , Holden.” I’m thankful my left arm’s fully operational and I can use it to punch his right arm hard .
“What? I’m saying you’re right . I’m agreeing with you. One or both of you could end up with a broken heart. It could devastate your friendship.”
“It could!”
“I know ! There are a million ways it could go wrong. And you’ve already gotten your heart cracked over and over, being in love with someone you thought couldn’t love you back.” Holden pats my knee firmly. “You need to be the strong one here, whether Robbie realizes it or not.”
“Yes.” I suck in a shaky breath. “I do.”
“So, there you go. Boom . Glad we got that sorted, huh?” Holden shoots me a bright smile and shifts the car back into Drive. “I mean, obviously, you still need to abjectly apologize for completely left-footing Robbie’s coming out. I’m talking serious groveling, Ames.”
“I know,” I whisper.
“But then you’ve gotta be rock solid about the fact that you’re not, under any circumstances, interested in being the person who helps Robbie explore this side of himself.” Holden nods firmly. “Let Rob find another dude for that, you know?”
“Yeah—” I peer over at him. “Wait, what?”
“I don’t mean to sound dismissive,” Holden adds quickly.
“Robbie’s probably going to be pretty devastated when you reject him.
I’m just saying he’ll get over it. Eventually.
Like you did. And now that he knows this about himself—that he’s bi or pan or however he identifies—he’ll find someone, or multiple someones, who’ll help him move on and figure out what he’s into. When he’s ready.”
Ice floods my veins at the idea of Robbie being with anyone, male or female. Kissing them the way he kissed me. Oh, god .
“What matters here,” Holden says, slowing down to—I kid you not—let a one-footed pigeon hop its way across Whether Street, “is that while Robbie’s doing whatever , with whoever , your friendship will still be intact.
In fact, it’ll be stronger than ever, thanks to your quick thinking.
And you’ll be dating someone like, say, Auden—who’s adorable, by the way—who’ll never, ever get close enough to your heart to break it.
So everyone will be perfectly, moderately happy.
” Holden pulls up in front of Watchfire and cuts the engine.
“ Phew , huh? Glad you dodged that bullet.”
“I hate you,” I tell him. “You suck at reverse psychology.”
Holden purses his lips. “A little too heavy-handed at the end there?”
“A lot too heavy-handed,” I mutter. “Asshole. Next time, I’m calling True.”
Holden laughs. “I love you, Ames. But you’re screwing yourself over here, big-time. Bad shit happens. But sometimes good shit happens too. When your daydream comes to life, be brave enough to grab him with both hands and… let him rail you into a mattress.”
I roll my eyes. “Where’d you get that? Chicken Soup for the Fuckboy Soul?”
“I’m just saying, enjoy the good things while they’re happening. Robbie wants you, and you want him. So enjoy the ride while it lasts and navigate the fallout if and when it comes.”
Holden carries my bag upstairs and deposits it on the couch for me. He seems reluctant to leave, like he wants to talk more, but there’s nothing I want less. Not even if the apartment feels cold and empty after a week at Robbie’s.
After Holden’s gone, I unpack as best I can one-handed. Hanging up the clothes Robbie washed for me. Putting Hippyottermus on my bed. But when I open my nightstand drawer to put my charging cable away, I spy my dildo collection and realize Robbie must’ve seen it.
My face flushes hot, even though I know I’m alone. I don’t want to wonder what he thought of when he saw it, but I can’t help myself.
I sit down on the bed and grab Hippy without thinking. For a week, I had everything. I was living the dream I’ve had since I was sixteen.
And here’s the otter truth : Knowing Robbie can never be mine, or worse, refusing to let him be mine, feels like an even greater loss than when I thought he was going to marry Lissa.
At least then, I’d still had him as my best friend. Now, I’m not sure I have him at all.
And one more otter truth, while I’m at it: My best friend ran into a burning building to save me. And when he needed me, when he was brave enough to tell me the truth about himself… I fucking ran away.
Holden’s words come back like a fairy-tale witch waving forbidden fruit at me, fat and ripe with possibility.
Enjoy the good things while they’re happening. Robbie wants you, and you want him. So enjoy the ride while it lasts and navigate the fallout if and when it comes.
As if it’s that easy.
As if reaching for it and finally taking a juicy bite doesn’t always end in disaster.