Chapter 16
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
ROBBIE
Dr. Colburn’s office doesn’t look any different than it usually does on this Monday afternoon—same creaky leather chair, same smell of chai, same sunshine coming in the window.
But usually when I’m in this chair, I’m trying to play the role of Stable Adult Human without a script and worrying the doctor will see how badly I’m failing.
Today, only a week or so after telling Ames who I am and what I want, I already feel more comfortable just being me —a person who doesn’t always have his shit together, sure, but since that’s baked into the role, it means I can never fail.
It’s a subtle shift, a little change of perspective—a kind of schlock when I should tock , you might say—but it’s working for me.
“So, Robbie.” Dr. Colburn settles into her chair with her notepad and her tea. “How are you feeling?”
I can’t help the grin that spreads across my face. “I’m… amazing, actually. I’m feeling better than I have in… maybe ever. ”
“Yeah?” She tilts her head to one side, assessing me, and whatever she sees on my face or in my posture has her grinning in response. “That’s wonderful! What’s been going on?”
“Well.” I lean back in my chair. “My best friend, Ames, was in a fire and almost died, but I saved him. I broke up with Lissa—like, engagement’s off, wedding’s canceled, the whole nine.
I also cut my brother, Mike, out of my life.
Blocked his number in my phone.” I pause.
“Oh, and I hooked up with Ames—which isn’t exactly what I want, since I’m pretty positive I’m in love with him and have been for a while, but.
” I shrug. “He’s freaking out a little, so I don’t need to push things just yet. I can be patient. And stubborn.”
Dr. Colburn blinks at me. She opens her mouth, closes it, and blinks again. “I’m sorry,” she says breathlessly. “ What ?”
I laugh. “Yeah. It’s been an eventful couple weeks. But good ones. Genuinely,” I add with a smile. “Not just saying that.”
Her eyes narrow. “Walk me through it.”
So I do.
I tell her about going into the building after Ames, the bone-deep terror I felt and the panicked effort to get him out, about how I’d felt at the hospital, about realizing that I couldn’t marry Lissa when all I wanted was to be with Ames.
About learning to finally set boundaries with my brother because I was trying to force something that wasn’t healthy or reciprocal.
Then I tell her about Ames. About kissing him. About how this past week of friendship plus benefits is everything I ever wanted for my future…
Except for the part where Ames keeps tossing out casual comments about “enjoying it while it lasts” and “when you experiment with other people,” like it’s a foregone conclusion that I can’t want him, just him, only him.
When I’m done, Dr. Colburn’s staring at me like I’ve grown an extra head. “I have to say, I’m impressed. Last time we met, you were struggling to make decisions that prioritized your own needs. Now, it seems you’ve made several.”
“It’s like dominos,” I say with a shrug. “Once you make one hard decision—deciding what you really want and can’t give up, like you said—the next ones are easier.”
“And does that include your sexuality?”
“That wasn’t a decision,” I say firmly. “Wanting Ames hit me out of the blue. That’s real . But I guess accepting it for what it is and acting on it were choices.”
Dr. Colburn smiles. “Yes.”
“But it wasn’t as big a deal as I’d have expected. I’m a little sad I hadn’t realized it before, honestly, because it would have made things easier…”
My mind drifts toward images of what that would have looked like. Having Ames, beautiful Ames, naked and hard for me the way he’d been in the shower. On the sofa. In my bed.
I shake my head to erase the second-guessing.
Dr. Colburn tilts her head. “Except it sometimes doesn’t work like that, does it? We make discoveries about ourselves when we’re ready, not when it’s convenient.”
I laugh. “Yeah. I guess. Anyway, there was no identity crisis, really. More like something’s clicked into place?
Like I’m still singing the same song as usual, but I finally have the right tune.
And the sex is… well.” I clear my throat.
“With the right person, it’s not about gender, it’s about them .
About wanting them to feel the best ever.
And everything’s just heightened. Being with Ames like this… it feels right.”
She nods thoughtfully. “And how does Ames feel about this?”
“Well, I’ve told him how I feel and what I want?—”
“You did?” She blinks again. “Wow.”
I blow out a breath. “Yeah. But he keeps reminding me I just broke up with Lissa, so I need time, and that I just discovered this part of my sexuality, so I need to explore it.” I can’t keep the frustration out of my voice.
“It’s like he thinks I need to wait some prescribed amount of time, or go on an app and find a specific number of people to hook up with, and only then will I be able to say for sure that I want a future with him. ”
“And,” she says carefully, “how do you feel about that?”
“It’s ridiculous. I’ve never been interested in hookups. That’s not me.”
“I meant about taking your time,” she says in a soothing voice. “You were in a long-term relationship with Lissa. It’s healthy to have some space before jumping into something new?—”
“I know what you mean,” I interrupt, “but I’m not jumping . I was already living the life I wanted with Ames. I just had the wrong label on it.”
“Best friend instead of… partner?”
I nod. “I wanted a stable future, and Lissa was part of what I thought I needed in order to have that. Lissa’s kind and sweet, but I realized I was never really in love with her, more like the idea of her.
Of us together. And I think it was the same with her.
We were both in love with the future we thought we could have. ”
“That’s a painful realization.” She smiles a little. “One you might want to sit with.”
I shrug again. “Maybe, yeah, if I hadn’t also realized how hollow that future would be. What I have with Ames was already everything. And now it’s more.”
Dr. Colburn is quiet for a moment. “But he’s not ready to commit to that?”
“He’s scared.” I say this with certainty because I know Ames better than anyone. “He thinks this is a rebound. He thinks I’m going to change my mind. And I think he’s telling himself he can save our friendship somehow if he keeps it separate from our physical relationship.”
“Hmm.”
“He’s wrong .” I give her a sideways smile.
“He’s protecting himself. And I get it. I think…
I think he had feelings for me for a long time and never felt like he could admit it because there was no possibility of more.
” I rub my breastbone because it hurts to think of that brave, beautiful man carrying that pain.
Dr. Colburn makes a note on her pad, and I imagine it says who is this guy and where is Robbie Wojcik? But the truth is, I’ve been here all along. I just needed to stop hiding behind the things I thought everyone wanted me to be.
I just needed to point my sailboat toward the shore.
“So, then.” She glances up. “What’s your plan?”
“Keep waiting. Keep being patient. Show him through actions, not words, that I’m not going anywhere.
I told Mike the other day that he needed to stop trying to be a good dad and just be one.
And… I guess that’s my plan with Ames too.
” I meet her eyes. “I’m not going to try and convince him I’m in this.
I’m just… going to be in it. Until and unless he tells me to go. ”
I shoot her a sheepish grin. “And maybe even after that.”
I’m heading back to my truck when a familiar, gruff voice calls my name. “Robbie! Hey!”
Wilder Thomas—Ames’s cousin—lopes toward me with an easy grin on his face. He’s been gone for a month on his annual motorcycle trip, and he looks tanned and relaxed.
“Wilder, hey!” I pull him in for a back-slapping hug. “I didn’t know you were back yet. How was your trip?”
“Incredible, man. Hit up twelve states across the southwest. Mostly good weather, too, until I got back here. My ass is still recovering. I’ll show you some pics tonight, if you want.”
It takes me a second to remember Axford family dinner’s tonight. We haven’t had one since Ames was injured.
“Yeah, we’ll be there,” I say before wondering if agreeing to things on Ames’s behalf is more coupley than he’d like us to be. A couple of months ago, I wouldn’t have hesitated, so it’s annoying that I feel the need now. “I mean, I will. Ames too, probably.”
Wilder nods, not noticing anything strange. “Hey, so Jace mentioned your brother came by looking for work?—”
My jaw tightens, but I keep my voice calm. “I heard that too. But don’t hire him as a favor to me, Wilder. Mike needs to sort his own shit.”
Wilder’s eyes study my face for a moment. “Got it. Tough line to draw with family.”
Wilder’s an Axford, so it takes me a minute to remember that his dad—Ames’s uncle—is kind of a shithead. One who didn’t stick around long enough to give his son his last name. Maybe this shouldn’t make me feel better, but it does.
I’m not the only one who was dealt a bad hand in the family department. But I’m starting to see it’s not only about the family you’re born into.
When I pull up outside Watchfire at five thirty, Ames is already waiting outside, pacing up and down Whether Street like he’s on patrol. The second my truck comes to a stop, he opens the passenger door and mutters, “Drive! Drive! Drive !”
He slides as far down in the passenger’s seat as he can with his sling on, and it’s all I can do not to grab his face and kiss the hell out of him.
“Are we on the lam?” I demand instead, amused, as I pull away from the curb. “Did Rocco finally call you on your inability to chill over the sourdough starter?”
“No.” He shoots me a glare. “Mildred Buckle saw us leaving your house together this morning.”
“Okay.” I nod. “And?”
“ Annnnd Mildred asked if I was doing okay or if I still needed help. ”