Chapter Twenty-Two
Lyndsey
Losing a loved one is never easy. Whether that loss comes from death, or people just growing apart.
When the people who you love, the people who loved you, are no longer in your life it shows you who is truly there for you.
When my parents kicked me out, I had no other family to rally behind me.
Even in their grief the Anders siblings are incredibly lucky to have each other.
I would like to think they are grateful for me too. Since William died last week I have taken a background role in their lives. I’m like the technical team for a musical, I’m not centre stage but the work I have been doing has been endlessly important for them.
Cece is so young, she is only twenty, if I had suffered the amount of loss she has in such a short amount of time I don’t know if I would have been able to keep it together.
But she is. They all are. First their mom and dad died in one fell swoop.
Then they lost their grandmother, though at least then they knew it was coming.
Apparently, she had been sick for a while, it’s part of why William wanted to go into a home when he did.
He saw his wife deteriorate and didn’t want his grandkids to have to watch that happen to him.
That would be enough grief to take any person under, becoming an orphan and only having one adult left to raise you just for him to die now too. The only bright side is that at least they are all together, they all know how they grieve and find a way to work around each other.
Alice has been taking walks with her camera every day, needing to see the beauty in the world.
Eden and Cece have both done a whole lot of therapy over the years, their words not mine, so they know how to manage their grief.
Aiden needs to feel needed. He is making every call and meeting with the funeral director, promising the girls they don’t have to worry about anything.
Then when our bedroom door closes each night I’m there to hold him together as he tries to release the pressure on his shoulders.
We haven’t had sex since that night. I haven’t known how to act about it.
Did it mean something? Were we both just struggling, desperately reaching out, and it was each other that we found on either end?
We’ve exchanged a few touches, but I can’t help but flinch.
I would feel terrible if he felt like he needed to have sex with me to keep me around.
He could never touch me again and I would happily lie here.
He doesn’t cry or fight, he just lies there in my arms taking comfort in my presence until he is tired enough to rest and he can grieve no more for the night.
When we do talk, it’s about the funeral, whereas the girls want to tell me about their memories of William.
Want to share the joy he brought them over the years.
I feel a deep soul connection to the four remaining Anders family members.
That is why I have made the decision that, even when Aiden and I decide it is time for our divorce, I’m not going to run from the girls.
Even if they hate me for leaving their brother, I swear to myself that I’m going to be a good person for them.
I refuse to be another person they lose. Aiden included.
Aiden has had Cassie release a statement for him to the Spears fans, he wanted them not to worry about the fact he wasn’t being seen around Seattle.
I think he had got some questions online about if he was leaving the team and needed the guys he plays with to know he will be with them when the season starts.
They’ve released a statement briefly saying that he is needed at home right now, and will be back in Seattle and on the ice as soon as he can.
That brought some good for me too. Whoever has been texting me has only sent one text since William’s death. The day the statement was released I received one final text.
I am not a monster. Give your ‘husband’ my condolences, you have one
month to get me my money, say thank you for my generosity.
Good and bad news there. They are giving me a reprieve that I’m taking with both hands.
One month to support Aiden and his sisters.
However, I’m not free, they will be back.
I have tried to convince myself that over the time they are giving me they will become bored but I haven’t been successful.
At least for the past week and a half since William passed, I haven’t jumped every time a message comes through.
Aiden was shocked when I told him that the Spears guys have booked a flight to attend the funeral. I assumed he would know but when I told him Ellis was sorry she couldn’t join them because of the kids, he was dumbstruck.
“The guys are coming?” He sounded like a kid, scared and hopeful all at once.
“And Coach Mitch and Cassie, they care about you, Aiden,” I told him as we clamoured into bed one evening. The picture of any normal married couple.
“But they didn’t know him,” he said, looking up at me, eyes full of confusion. It tore me up inside that he doesn’t know how much everyone loves him, when it’s so clear to me. It riddles me with guilt once again. Shouldn’t I want to stay married to a man like Aiden?
Sure, like Aiden. But it can’t be Aiden.
We’re from two different worlds, and he agrees on that much.
“They know you. You have always been there for them so just this once let them be there for you,” I reassure him.
“I can do that.” Not long after that he fell asleep.
Every night has been the same. During the day I do what I can to be useful.
The first few days, my main job was cooking.
Not that anybody was especially hungry but I made enough to keep them from starving.
I batch cooked some pasta sauce and some chilli so there was extra to freeze.
I thought that even when it’s time to go back to Seattle there will be food for the girls if they still don’t have the energy to cook.
I’d rather them have that and know there is food for them so Aiden can know they aren’t starving or only eating junk food when we leave. Hopefully that will give him some comfort.
“Lyndsey, tell my idiot twin that we can’t play ‘My Way’ by Frank Sinatra.” Alice comes storming into the kitchen with Aiden hot on her heels. I get a flash at what they must have been like as kids, both so headstrong and unrelenting.
“I just don’t get why not?” He flops into the chair next to me, throwing a notepad filled with scribbles onto the table in front of him.
“Because it’s cliché and unoriginal! He deserves something better than that.” Alice might have a point, but there’s no way I’m going to take sides. Especially where my opinion doesn’t really matter. They just need to find a way to a middle ground.
“Do you know what William and Lulu’s wedding song was? That might be sweet.” I keep my back to them, cutting vegetables and letting them mull it over between themselves.
“That… that sounds beautiful. Thank you, darlin’.
” Aiden tugs at my wrist, pulling me from the counter to sit on his lap.
Kissing my temple. I try not to blush but I don’t think I’m successful.
It’s hard to tell for a moment if it’s a fake display of affection for our audience, or if it’s genuine.
For a moment, I almost slide into believing it’s reality.
I feel comfortable with him. Almost. Until I remember what we’re here for.
“How about I take something off your plate?” I hedge.
I want to do more. Aiden might be the Spears team captain, but he’s always been the rogue.
He’s rough and ready on the ice, but off the ice…
he tends to just be rough. Full of energised chaos and spontaneity.
I suppose that’s how we got into this mess.
But as he grieves a hard loss, it seems a slither of Aiden isn’t here. He’s lost a spark.
And I must admit, I miss him.
“You are doing so much already, Lynds, we can do this. As long as he just lets me do what I want.” Alice laughs from the other side of the table, laughing even harder when Aiden kicks her shin.
“Jesus, Alice.” He rolls his eyes. Holding me tight to him, my side against his chest. My pulse raises. It means nothing. It has to.
“Look, let me do the flowers, I know my way around the stems and it means you can focus on helping with the programmes with Celia. Or the eulogy with Eden,” I blurt out as a way of distraction from Aiden’s touch.
When Aiden finally agreed to let the girls help, they picked something that was important to them – except Alice, who wanted to do the same as Aiden. Take over. Being the eldest but also a twin has its disadvantages.
“If you weren’t married to my brother and I wasn’t straight I’d try and steal you for myself.” Alice reaches over the table, grabbing for my hand, pretending to pull my wedding ring off.
“He doesn’t need to know,” I whisper-yell, making her laugh again. Hearing her laugh makes me smile, it shows me that me being here must be helping at least a little.
“I heard that!” Aiden’s fingers dig into my sides, tickling me until I jump from his lap before escaping back to the vegetables I was preparing.
Sitting on the porch swing drowned by a soft blanket, sleep eludes me tonight, but out here on the porch swing under the night sky with only the cicadas for company it feels more like a dream than any other real thing I have experienced.
It has been nearly two weeks since William’s death and each day brings its highs and lows.