Chapter Twenty-Six
Lyndsey
I could feel that last night was different.
I saw the shift in Aiden’s eyes before I got onto my knees for him but I chose not to comment on it.
What could I say? I think he is falling for me but he doesn’t fully know who he is married to.
There is so much he doesn’t know. Crazy texts aside, I have avoided telling him about my family.
They are why I know he can’t love me. If the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally find conditions and boundaries then he will too.
In fairness, they pushed me away for being queer, and Aiden already knows that, but what does it tell him if even my parents see me as unloveable?
I could chalk it up to his grief. He is still overwhelmed by emotion and is clinging to the idea of a happy marriage.
I don’t know what a happy marriage even looks like.
If I asked my mom she would tell me that she loves Dad and he loves her and maybe he does but he doesn’t respect her.
Aiden respects me, I can see the difference.
My mom is the scapegoat in my childhood home.
If anything goes wrong it is because she isn’t working hard enough.
If dinner is cold because Dad came home late then she should have known he would be busy and accounted for it.
If he didn’t get a good sleep it is because she bought a cheap mattress.
When I came out to them, he blamed her for sending me to school and letting them indoctrinate me.
I know that he is full of shit. That isn’t love. Aiden doesn’t treat me like that. He sees me as an equal even though we both know I’m not. He is superior in every way. He makes more money, he has more friends, he has a loving family.
I’m glad he didn’t say the words. That he loves me.
If he did he could make me believe it. It would just hurt all the more when he realises that I’m lacking.
I can’t cook for him when he comes home from a game and I turned all my white shirts pink with a red bra.
I’m good at supporting him here. Supporting him emotionally.
But when it comes down to the little things, the things that keep couples happy for decades, I’m not the cream of the crop.
We are lying together in bed now. Aiden is scrolling through his emails as my mind cycles through every eventuality that could come when we get back to Seattle.
We only have a few more days here and even though I’m tucked against his side I can feel myself creating distance.
Knowing I won’t survive when he realises how much better he can do.
My phone buzzes beside me, pulling me from my thoughts. Absent-mindedly, I reach out to the nightstand, not rolling out of Aiden’s embrace. When I see the message, I wish I had.
You have seven days. I have been generous enough. Get me $10,000 or I
tell the world the gold digger you really are. A fraud. What will your
little husband think of you when the whole world sees you for the whore
you are?
Bile rises in my throat and I jump out of the bed, ignoring the dizziness coming over me.
Throwing open the bathroom door, I fall to my knees, hunching over the toilet as I wretch.
It is still early morning so there is no food to throw up, instead bile burns and my abs clench over and over.
Aiden comes up behind me and lifts my hair off the back of my neck, holding it for me while using his other hand to stroke down my back.
“Darlin’, are you okay?” he asks, clearly concerned, and I don’t know what to say to soothe him. Instead I just hum. Hoping he will think it was something I ate.
“Um-hum.”
“I’ll go get you some water. Why don’t you jump in the shower?” he offers after the retching stops.
I slump against the rim of the toilet, but as soon as he is out of sight I throw my clothes off and jump in the shower, not even giving any time for the water to warm up.
This is an older house and it can take a while for the water to get to heat but right now I don’t care.
I just need to be under the stream. I need the water to hide my tears.
Once they start, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop them.
Tears stream down my face but as hard as I try to swallow my sobs they burst out anyway.
I wanted to use the sounds of the shower, the anonymity of the curtain, to hide from Aiden, but to do that I need to be quieter.
The harder I try, the harder it is to breathe.
“Darlin’?” I’m trying so hard to catch my breath that I must have missed him coming back in. Another sob slips past and I whimper as the curtain slides back. At the sight of my arms wrapped around my body and tears streaking my cheeks he gasps, “Lyndsey!”
“I’m sorry.” I struggle to catch a full breath and I can’t look him in the eyes, but the sound of my voice pushes him into action. Not bothering to strip, he steps into the shower with me, pulling my wet body against his chest.
“Shhh, you’re okay. It’s going to be okay,” he says, a mantra against the crown of my head, but it doesn’t calm my raging mind. My chest is still heaving and his shirt is soaked by both the shower and my tears. He holds me so tight I’m not sure where he starts and I stop.
“I ruin everything. Everything I touch.” My voice is stuttered but he continues to soothe me.
“No you don’t, you’re okay,” he says. Instead of fighting him I just let the water fall around us.
As my sobs slow I start to hiccup. No matter what happens I have found happiness this month.
I have found a home in his arms. When he hears what has been happening, this is all going to be thrown away.
I’m too much work to be worth all of this.
I come with a damn stalker or blackmailer, whatever the hell they are.
I won’t ask him for the money though, because he would probably give it to me.
He will try to fix this for me but I can’t let him.
I will not let him throw his money at some faceless entity to make my life easier.
Not when I am making both of our lives easier by letting him divorce me.
He only needs to distance himself and they will have nothing to ask for.
I don’t have $10,000 and without him they can’t try to push it.
That settles it.
I have to tell him everything.
Even if it is going to hurt.
“What’s going on?” Aiden asks as he guides me out of the water stream. Wrapping a fluffy towel around my body, he doesn’t pull away from me. He uses an arm over my shoulder to guide me back into the bedroom and over to the bed. Instead of getting dressed, he sits down beside me, still dripping wet.
“Someone is threatening me. And you.” Now that I have my breath the words come out more clearly but I can still see the confusion on his face.
“What?” His eyebrows furrow and he takes both of my hands in his, warming them from where they are chilled from the cold water.
“Since we got married, they want money.” I wish I could drop my head into my hands but he keeps tight hold of me. My truth makes his brows drop further somehow, as though my words don’t make sense to him.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks, offended. I can hear it but I know my reasons are solid. He had too much going on. His damn grandfather just died and he expects that I would pile on top of that? Never. It was the right thing.
“I thought I could handle it. You had enough to deal with.” My eyes sting as tears come again. This time it is a release. Everything I have held in, every worry pours out of me. Instead of arguing about what I did, Aiden pulls me tight to him.
“I’ve got you. Shh, I’ve got you,” he tells me. Standing, he brings me with him.
Unwrapping the towel from around me he uses it to dry me off.
After using it to squeeze the excess water from my hair he discards it and leaves me standing naked in the middle of his bedroom for a second.
Just as quick as he left he is back with a pair of his sweats and a Spears jumper.
Dropping to his knees in front of me, he helps me step into some underwear and then the pants.
Next, he lifts my arms over my head to pull the sweater over me, skipping a bra.
Silently he turns and strips out of his still wet clothes.
Together we crawl back into the bed where he wraps me in his arms and the blankets, knowing I need the comfort.
We don’t talk, though I swear if I listen hard enough I can hear his thoughts.
Too tired to argue I let my eyes drift close as he holds me.
I’m suddenly exhausted from the stress of the morning and even though we should probably eat we just lie there together instead.
I let him be my rock, knowing he is good at being that support.
I have seen him do it for others and now it is time to let him do it for me.