Chapter Thirty-One #2
My sleep is suffering. If I’m not dreaming about him holding me then I’m dreaming about whoever is texting me showing up here and demanding the money.
I wish I could find comfort in Aiden’s arms but he has never mentioned us sleeping in the same bed.
When he first moved me in here I don’t know why I assumed I would be sharing his bed.
I disappointed myself because when he brought my stuff up to this room I was close to tears. It was him drawing a line in the sand.
There is in Texas and there is after Texas.
I’m just struggling to separate them. I remind myself that originally he thought he would be divorced from me by now.
The plan was only to be “married” for those few weeks and now here we are still married.
We have to continue the ruse until we figure out what to do about the blackmail.
I thought he might want forever but I was just caught up in being his wife.
He was overwhelmed with his emotions, his grief.
I confused that for real feelings. That is on me and I have to remember that.
Because of his letter I thought he might have feelings as deep as mine, but then I remind myself the number of emotions that were in the air.
He saw me as some kind of light in his darkness, but now he isn’t surrounded by grief and expectation he must have realised having me around doesn’t make his life better.
If anything, I make it worse. I have an airplane worth of baggage and I’m pulling him through it with me.
Every morning that I wake up alone I hear my father’s taunting voice in my head reminding me that I’m not worthy of love.
And each night I go to sleep remembering that I did this to myself.
I fell for my husband and fooled myself into thinking he wanted that too.
Him shoving me into a spare room is proof enough that I’m a burden to him the same way I was to my family.
It’s not that I think he was lying to me, he probably really did feel those feelings, but I know I’m not enough for him.
Now that we are out of that Texas bubble it has only proved me right that I’m not worthy of a happily ever after.
Maybe my parents are right, maybe there is a God up there, mad at me for my sins, or maybe I’m the one punishing myself.
All I know is that Aiden Anders should be with a woman who can give him the world, not just the broken pieces I have to offer.
And still every day I get my hopes up that today is the day he will show me he loves me – he doesn’t even have to say the words, just show me that what happened in Texas wasn’t a mistake.
Ellis has had enough of my brooding. I’m putting together a bouquet for a first date when she lets out a deep sigh beside me.
“Okay, Lynds, I’m done,” she tells me, glaring at the side of my head. I have been waiting for this. I have kept her pretty in the dark about everything. She has enough going on in her life without me piling on as well. But she is my closest friend, it is unfair of me to keep her out.
“Nothing is going on,” I lie. I know it, she knows it. My voice doesn’t have any conviction and Ellis reaches over to pull the flowers out of my hands, putting them back on the table in front of us. Taking my hands in hers, she turns me to face her.
“You’re married and are living in his house but you won’t tell me about anything the two of you are up to behind closed doors.
Cassie keeps turning up asking questions about you.
You are avoiding me. Your time is up. Talk to me.
” I know she won’t take no for an answer.
She looks down at me with determination in her eyes.
“Okay. Fuck! Someone is blackmailing me.” I sigh, slamming my eyes shut so I don’t see her reaction.
“What?” she yells. Every one of my muscles clench and I screw my eyes closed even harder, refusing to look back at her.
“Cassie and Aiden have contacted a PI but while we were in Texas someone broke into my apartment so Aiden doesn’t think I’m safe there.
That’s why I’m living with him but that’s all,” I rush out, barely taking a moment to breathe.
I try to pull my hands out of hers but she holds them tighter, shaking them until I peek at her through one eye.
“That’s all, she says! Lyndsey, why didn’t you tell me?” She pulls me to her until she can wrap her arms round me. Her five-foot-ten frame swallows up my five-foot-four and when she holds me to her I feel protected.
“I’m sorry, it’s just I thought I could deal with it and then it got scary and I didn’t want to pull you or the kids into my drama.
” It’s the truth. If she or her beautiful kids got hurt because of me I’d never forgive myself.
I don’t know if whoever is after me is dangerous but I wouldn’t risk her safety.
“Liam said Aiden has been a bit distracted but I just thought he was lovesick,” she says absent-mindedly while rubbing a hand up and down my back. I freeze at her words. Feeling the tension in me, she pulls back slightly, putting her hand on my shoulders so she can look in my eyes.
“Yeah…” I cough back the lump in my throat. “He isn’t lovesick,” I tell her, but her face scrunches in confusion.
“Do you love him?” she asks gently. I’m glad there are no customers because I would feel embarrassed if anyone else saw the way I’m blushing. I know I have strong feelings for Aiden. It would be impossible not to. He is kind and loyal and great in bed, which is always a bonus.
“I don’t know. I think so. Maybe,” I grumble, wiping my hands down my face. “It’s just so complicated. It was all fake and then suddenly it was real. Then when he moved me in he put me up in a guest bedroom and I don’t know if that was a message, you know?”
“Have you asked him?” she asks, and I let out a laugh so loud it surprises both of us. The loud sound causes Ellis to giggle and we both laugh together for a second.
“No.” I shake my head. Of course I haven’t asked him. If I ask him then he will give me an answer. If I never ask then I never have to know the truth. Never have to have the memory of him telling me that I’m too much work and that he actually does want a divorce.
“So let me get this straight.” She crosses her arms over her chest, giving me her best mom glare.
“You are in love with your husband but you’re scared he doesn’t love you even though he has always been crazy about you.
” I can hear the accusation in her voice.
She says it like it’s so simple. That because he finds me attractive that must mean he is madly in love with me, but that just isn’t realistic.
Just because Liam was obsessively in love with her from the start, that isn’t how everybody’s lives go.
“Pretty much.” I try to turn back towards the flowers but she twists me by the shoulder so I’m facing her again, not letting me hide.
“I love you, but sometimes I want to slap you.” She shakes her head slightly, clearly disappointed by my refusal to talk to Aiden. Still, she makes me laugh again.
“Oh thanks!” I say between giggles. I know she means nothing but love with her words, El doesn’t have an aggressive bone in her body.
“You’re welcome. Talk to him, Lynds, you both deserve to be happy.” Clearly happy that she has made her point, she leaves my side. Walking back into the office to fill out more paperwork, she leaves me reeling.
Ellis has always been wiser than me. She had to grow up early because her mom was terrible and she has been suffering with a chronic illness since she was a teen.
We aren’t that far apart in age but still she has always felt like a guiding figure for me.
If she seriously thinks I should talk to Aiden then I know that I should.
That doesn’t mean I will, but I’ll think about it.
I’m still thinking about it when my taxi pulls up outside of Aiden’s house after work.
Actually it is all I have thought about all day.
Every little moment we have shared over the past year and a half.
Every little glance and lingering touch.
All of the miscommunication between us. Not talking is how everything fell apart at New Year’s and we told each other we would share our truth.
When I walk inside, I’m shocked to hear music coming from the kitchen.
Following the sound, I find my husband cooking dinner.
I stop in the doorway and when he turns to look at me his face lights up.
He opens his mouth to greet me but I don’t give him a chance.
I wanted him to show me his feelings and this feels like a good indicator that I was wrong.
Maybe he does want me. Instead of asking, I take action.
In two large steps I’m in front of him and throw myself at him.
Wrapping my arms over his broad shoulders and jumping so my legs wrap around his trim waist, I kiss him.
Aiden groans against me but he kisses me back with fever.
Gripping my ass with his callused hands, he pulls me tighter to his body.
I might not be good at communicating but I can’t fake this any more. The way his lips feel on mine, the fire that thumps through my veins. I can’t hide from him when his tongue plunges into my mouth. The groan I let out echoes around us but we don’t pull away. I hope he never pulls away.
If this doesn’t show him where I stand, I don’t know what will. But I do know that Ellis is right.
I love my husband and I want to know if he loves me too.