Chapter Thirty-Eight
Lyndsey
Aiden got in late last night. He flew out on Thursday afternoon and I was fast asleep when he got home in the early hours of Sunday morning, meaning I haven’t seen him in person for days.
We talked on the phone and texted almost constantly but it has nothing on being in his presence.
After spending so much time together in Texas it was strange to come back to Seattle and spend so much time apart between working and travelling.
Especially since he moved me into the master bedroom, sleeping alone after getting used to being intertwined was a stark feeling.
Still, I get to watch his games and I love seeing him on the ice.
It is almost artistic to see the way his body moves while balancing on blades.
The whole team comes together in a choreographed dance that only they know.
He played hard last night. I watched the game with Liam and Ellis and a few glasses of wine and Liam made sure to tell me that the level of aggression from Aiden isn’t normal.
He fought and brawled like I’ve never seen and it was hot.
That’s probably wrong of me but, damn, seeing him sweaty and panting with blood dripping from his eyebrow… yeah that was sexy.
Now, he looks so at peace. I stand at the side of the bed with a tray of breakfast but I can’t find it in me to wake him. There is a small bandage on his eyebrow from where he had to get stitches and I want to kiss it better. He just seems so completely exhausted.
So much has happened over the past few months.
We got married. He travelled to Texas. His grandfather died.
I was being blackmailed. He moved me in with him.
All that while still being the captain of the Spears.
I don’t know how he hasn’t completely snapped.
It’s too much for one person to handle and yet he has done it with grace.
Never taking out his frustrations on me when I know I’m the source of some of the pressure on him.
That is why I wanted to make him breakfast. A deep, quiet part of me wants to prove to him that he needs me around.
As if by making a ham omelette and a pot of coffee I can show him that I make his life better.
Because he makes mine better. He came clean about confronting my dad.
Basically, as soon as he walked through the front door the words and apologies tumbled out.
I wasn’t angry. I was just tired. He refused to tell me exactly what my dad said but I know it wasn’t good.
Nothing he ever says is good. He protected my honour and now I want to look after him in return.
That’s when I realised, I really do love my husband.
The feelings weren’t caused by emotion or proximity.
I love him because he sees me. He knows me down to my soul and treats every part of it like it is precious.
He has my heart in his hands and as scary as that feels I know he will keep it safe.
Exactly the same way I’ll keep his safe if he wants to give it to me.
My feelings for him could surpass any sonnet or declaration. That’s why I haven’t said the words. They are too small for what I feel.
I love you.
It seems so easy and nonchalant when what I feel is bigger and brighter than any universe.
I remember the letter he wrote for me in Texas.
He found a way to share his feelings with me and I need to believe he meant it.
Just because my parents didn’t mean it when they told me they loved me that doesn’t mean that Aiden is lying. He has never lied to me.
From the first time we met he has told me how I wormed my way under his skin. But taking the leap, trusting the words, feels like a canyon I can’t cross.
Being in love is unlike anything I could have imagined.
My heart is exposed to the elements, ready to be broken, and yet I smile through the pain.
So endlessly happy to have ripped it from my chest and given it to him.
When I woke up in Vegas wrapped in his arms, I never would have pictured me here.
Looking down at him sleeping, still married after all this time.
Hell, I wanted an annulment five minutes after I awoke and now the thought of separating myself from him would shred me apart.
My life before Vegas feels like a different woman.
In a way she was. I was hiding myself because I wanted to be what everyone wanted instead of just being me.
I was so scared that I would never be enough that I created this impenetrable wall to hide behind.
All for Aiden to drive a damn wrecking ball right through it.
I couldn’t keep him from seeing me no matter how hard I tried.
I saw him, the way he puts everybody above himself to feel needed; and he saw me, a woman who needed solid support to fix my crumbling foundations. By marrying me and asking me to stay his wife he started to fill in the holes in my heart.
It hits me now that we didn’t have to stay married.
After Texas he could have divorced me and still let me live here to keep me safe.
Being his wife didn’t give me extra protection and yet neither of us brought it up.
If anything he acted more like my husband.
Bringing me into his home. Bringing me into his bed. Bringing me into his heart.
He has shown me in a million ways that he is serious about this.
From that letter to his unwavering protection, and now it is my turn.
I’ll show him how in this I am. How much I love him.
The words might not come yet but he needs to see it.
I don’t want him to think this is some hero worship, to worry that I love him for helping with my asshole brother.
For a while I thought his affection was because of his grief. Then I thought it was because of the fact I was in his house. But I can’t deny myself any more. I know Aiden loves me. I’m his wife because we both want me to be. He is my husband because I never want to lose him. Because I love him.
I love him because of the way he makes us breakfast.
I love him because of the way he holds me in his arms like I might disappear.
I love him because of the way he treats his sisters.
I love him because of the strength he leads his team with.
I love him because he loves me.