Chapter Seventeen
C asey came back from town mid-morning with wire to fix another break Jed had found in one of the fences. The two of them rode out together to make the repair, and it was late afternoon by the time they got back.
His thoughts turned to the band and last night’s events as he took care of his and Jed’s horses while his brother went inside to make some business calls. He’d worked hard all day not to dwell on a situation that wasn’t going to change anytime soon, and mostly he’d been successful.
But as he rubbed the horses down, he couldn’t help remembering the look on Rory’s face last night. He and Rory had gone all through school together, from elementary to senior high. They’d been on the football team together; they’d jammed together in the very early days when neither of them could really play.
He’d never seen his friend look so disappointed and defeated, and it killed Casey that he was the one who’d made him that way.
Can’t please everyone .
He knew it was true, but it didn’t make it any easier.
Sick of himself, he pulled the stall door closed behind him. He didn’t think of himself as a brooder, and he wasn’t in the market to become one, so he very deliberately pushed the subject out of his head and went in search of a shower.
He let himself into the house and was halfway across the living room when Jesse caught him.
“Case. You got a minute?” Jesse stood in the wide doorway to the kitchen, a cup of coffee in hand.
“Sure. What’s up?”
Jesse gestured for him to come join him in the kitchen and Casey entered to find Jed and Sierra seated at the table. Jed was frowning, and Sierra was sitting back in her seat, arms crossed over her chest, looking about as pissed as he’d ever seen her.
“Grab a seat,” Jesse said, taking one himself.
Casey considered his siblings, not liking the tension in the air. “What’s going on?”
“You’re crazy, that’s what’s going on,” Sierra said, her eyes bright with anger.
“Sierra,” Jed said sharply.
“Why didn’t you tell us The Whiskey Shots were offered a showcase in Nashville?” Jesse asked.
Casey flinched. How the hell did they know about the showcase? Had one of the guys called the house and blabbed?
And then it hit him: Eva.
Eva had told them.
“Casey?” Jesse prompted, a frown on his face now.
“Because it wasn’t relevant,” Casey said.
“How can you stand there and say that?” Sierra asked. “And how dare you turn down an opportunity like that without talking to us about it first.”
“It’s my decision. My band. Therefore it’s none of your business,” Casey said. He could hear the defensiveness in his own voice and hated it.
He had no reason to feel defensive. Angry, yes, but not defensive.
“No way is it not our business,” Sierra fired back. “Not when your reason for saying no is us. In what parallel universe do you think we would ever ask you to sacrifice your music for the ranch?”
“What Sierra is trying to say is that you don’t have to do this, Case,” Jesse said. “We can find a way to make this work.”
“How?” Casey demanded. “How are we going to replace my labor? Getting a ranch hand in alone would set us back minimum of two thousand a month. We’ve been on half wages for weeks now. So, what, are you guys going to drop to nothing to pay for an outsider? How about all the repairs I take care of? You want to start paying a real mechanic to take them on while I dick around in Nashville chasing a pipe dream? Do you have any idea what that would add to our bottom line? We’re barely making interest payments as it is, and I am not going to be the one who pushes us over the edge.”
“I don’t know how yet,” Jesse said with infuriating calm. “But there has to be a way. Case, you are way too talented to walk away from this chance.”
“You think I haven’t gone over all the options? The only reason this place is still treading water is because we all agreed to take minimal wages. We’ve got no fat left. None,” Casey said, his neck stiff and hot with anger. “This is Mom and Dad’s place, and I will burn my fucking guitar before I let it go under. So this subject is officially done, okay? And I don’t want to hear another fucking word.”
He strode to the door, opening it so hard it hit the nearby cupboard. Then he was outside, his boots loud on the wooden porch boards as he powered toward the front steps. He was halfway down them when he saw Eva walking toward the house. He saw her take in his anger, saw the wariness and regret flash across her face, but it was too late, he was already barreling toward her, driven by hurt and anger.
“You had no right to talk about my business,” he said. “If I’d wanted them to know, I would have told them.”
“I know you’re angry. I know you probably think I betrayed you—”
“I don’t think , I know,” he interjected.
“—but I couldn’t let you sacrifice yourself like that,” she said.
“Excuse me? You couldn’t? Who the fuck are you to make my decisions for me?”
She flinched, visibly paling. “I care about you. A lot. I want you to be happy. You’re an artist, Casey. You were born to make music, to perform. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your dreams.”
“I told you I’m not interested in fame and all that bullshit. Just because you want to see your name up in lights doesn’t mean I’m the same, Eva. I’m happy with my life just the way it is.”
“So you don’t want to tour? You don’t want to stand on a stage in front of thousands of people and feel the love as they listen to your music? Can you really look me in the eye and say that?”
Her blue eyes blazed into his, demanding the truth.
“At least be honest with yourself, if not with me,” she said.
Anger exploded in his brain. “You don’t get it, do you? Life isn’t always about getting what you want. Most of us don’t have the luxury of indulging our dreams.”
He was yelling now, couldn’t seem to stop himself. Eva’s eyes were shiny with tears as she clenched her hands in front of her, the knuckles white with tension.
“I know you’re angry with me. I know I shouldn’t have broken your trust, but Casey, I have been where you are now. I put my dreams on hold for five years because I was being a team player, and it nearly broke me. I couldn’t bear to see you do that to yourself when it doesn’t have to be that way.”
Casey raked his hands through his hair, his whole body shaking with the force of his feelings. “At the risk of repeating myself, who the fuck are you to take that choice away from me? Did I ask you to fix my life? Did I ask you to give me the benefit of your almighty wisdom?”
“I did it because I care,” she said simply, her voice thick with emotion.
“If this is what you caring looks like, spare me,” he said. “Give me a big fucking pass.”
“Casey.” Sierra’s voice was sharp with censure, the single word ringing out like a gunshot, and he glanced over his shoulder to see her standing at the top of the porch steps.
“Stay out of this,” he warned her.
“You need to calm down,” his sister told him.
“Back. Off.” He spun to face her, grinding the words out through his teeth.
When he turned back, Eva was disappearing around the corner of the barn, her stride long and urgent. He moved to go after her, still vibrating with the righteous fury of her betrayal, but Sierra was there, putting herself bodily in his path.
“You’ve said enough, don’t you think?” she said.
He glared at his sister, but she simply glared right back, daring him to take it further. After a long beat, he took a step back.
“How can you be so smart and so dumb at the same time?” she said.
“You tell me.”
Turning on his heel, he headed for the barn. His roan gelding, Meteor, lifted his head as Casey grabbed a bridle from the tack room and came into the stall.
A handful of minutes later he was riding away from the house, the wind in his face and the devil at his back.
*
Eva straightened the duvet cover on the bed with shaking hands, smoothing the fabric out. Then she turned and started stacking her research books.
The busywork gave her something to do, which was very important because if she stopped fussing she was going to cry. She could feel the tears sitting at the back of her eyes, but she didn’t want to give in to them.
Wasn’t sure she deserved to give in to them.
Because Casey was right—she had taken away his choice. She’d done so in full knowledge that it was not what he wanted. She’d acted arrogantly, telling herself she knew better than him, telling herself it was for a good cause, that she was making his dream possible. Or at least giving him the best chance of making it possible.
Did I ask you to fix my life?
The memory of his words—his anger—made her stomach lurch and she had to pause and press a hand to her mouth.
He’d always been so sweet and gentle and funny with her, and being on the receiving end of his rare anger had been so much worse than she’d anticipated.
If this is what you caring looks like, spare me. Give me a big fucking pass .
She’d thought she was ready to face the repercussions of her actions. She’d thought she was prepared to face whatever was coming her way when Casey found out she’d spoken to his family against his wishes.
Turned out she’d been wrong, because she couldn’t seem to stop shaking.
“Knock knock, just me,” a voice said from the open doorway and Eva turned to see Sierra standing there, her face creased with concern.
“You okay?” Casey’s sister asked, and Eva tried to smile.
“I’ve had better days.”
“He’ll come round. He just took off on Meteor. Give him some time to blow off some steam and he’ll be back, ready to grovel for being an asshole.”
“He had every right to be angry. He was right, I had no business interfering.”
“Of course it was your business. You care for him and he was about to do a really stupid thing,” Sierra said.
“He told me directly that he didn’t want to burden you guys with this. And I took that decision away from him.”
“Good. I refuse to let you feel bad about this, Eva. You did the right thing.”
Eva shrugged a shoulder, unconvinced but unwilling to argue the point.
“Why don’t you come up to the house and hang with me and CJ?” Sierra suggested.
“Thanks, but I don’t really feel like company.”
“Well, I’m happy to hang out here. We can drink beer and talk about the lack of eligible men in town for me to jump on.”
Eva smiled, mostly because she knew she was supposed to.
“I think I’m just going to finish tidying up the trailer. It’s my thing when I’m stressed—I clean. For some reason it helps.”
“Well, in that case, feel free to come up to the house when you are done because we have some closets that seriously need sorting.”
Sierra stepped forward and gave Eva a fierce hug.
“Please don’t regret what you did. I couldn’t have lived with myself if I knew that Casey had sacrificed so much for us. You did the right thing.”
Eva took comfort from the other woman’s embrace and had to blink away tears as they disengaged.
“Come up to the house the moment you get sick of organizing your underwear by color, okay?”
“Will do. And thanks for worrying about me.”
“You and CJ are my girls.”
Once Eva was alone she let out a sigh and rubbed her face with her hands.
She felt a little better, which had been Sierra’s goal. Bless her.
She went back to tidying, rolling computer cables, folding her clothes, and organizing her meager stock of groceries. Then she scrubbed the bathroom and wiped down all the surfaces in the kitchen.
Casey had been gone for a couple of hours by then, and she’d run out of things to tidy. She glanced in the direction of the house, but she really didn’t feel like company. Instead, she took a beer from the fridge and sat on the top step to wait, sure that he would come to her once his temper had cooled, as Sierra had predicted.
She drank the beer and went over and over their fight in her mind, wishing she’d handled it differently, regretting not telling Casey what she’d done so he didn’t feel ambushed by his siblings. Every time she recalled his final words, she felt the burn of tears but she refused to give in to them.
She was starting to get stiff from sitting, and she stood and rubbed her arms. It was heading toward twilight, and she went into the trailer and pulled on a hoodie. Then she checked the time.
It had been three hours since Casey left on his ride. He must have returned by now. She turned toward the door, then turned back, uncertain. Then she made a frustrated noise at her own indecision and bounded down the steps in a burst of energy. She made her way around the side of the barn to discover the big double doors still open to the yard. She went inside and saw immediately that Meteor was in his stall.
She walked slowly back out into the yard. Casey was back, and he hadn’t come to see her. So much for him blowing off steam and coming to grovel.
She was eyeing the house, trying to decide what her next move should be, when the front door opened and Casey stepped out. He paused when he saw her, then shifted his focus to his truck as he descended the porch steps. She started forward, expecting him to meet her halfway, but he walked past her to his truck, opening the door to collect some paperwork from the passenger seat.
Eva raised her eyebrows, shaken all over again by his coldness.
She swallowed nervously as he shut the truck door and turned toward the house.
“So, that’s it? We’re not going to even talk about this?” she asked.
He glanced at her and she could see he was still very angry with her—so angry—and it made something deep inside her curl up in a ball.
“That’s not a good idea right now,” he said, his tone tight and clipped.
She nodded, taking a step backward to signal she wasn’t going to push the issue. He walked away, tension in every line of his body. She stood watching until he shut the door behind him, then she stood a little longer, her hands pressed against the sides of her legs as though she needed to take strength from the solidity of her own body.
She hadn’t expected instant forgiveness, but she had expected him to at least be willing to talk to her, to look at her. His coldness felt like a cosmic slap, and it took her a moment to work out why—Dane had been like that often after their fights, hanging on to his anger and punishing her with coldness and distance.
Sometimes it had taken a day or two before he treated her like a person he actually liked again. At first she’d done everything she could to appease him, but toward the end of their relationship she’d simply endured, retreating into herself, the two of them orbiting around each other like satellites in the house they’d shared.
I can’t do this again .
It was a stupid thought, irrational in the extreme, because Casey wasn’t Dane. Not in any way, shape or form.
And yet this feeling was so familiar, probably because it had been just months since she packed her bags and escaped from her ex’s cold anger.
This is why smart people don’t jump straight from one relationship to another .
A shiver ran down her spine and she hugged herself against the cool of the growing twilight. Then she realized she’d been standing like a sentinel in the yard for too long, and she made her way back to the trailer. She looked around at the newly neatened space and admitted to herself she was not going to be able to spend the night here.
It was too close to Casey, and she knew she’d spend half the night lying awake, willing him to come to her to make things right and resisting the urge to go to him to try to do the same.
Been there, done that with her ex, and she wasn’t up for a replay of more of the same. She was opting out, breaking the cycle.
She flipped up the lid on her laptop and did a quick search. Multiple options for flights home to LA appeared in her browser window, all of them departing from Bozeman or Billings the following morning. She could easily drive to Bozeman tonight, find a cheap motel room, and fly home for a few days with her sister. She could afford it now she had the commission, and she’d more than earned a couple of days off. Syd would offer her good food and advice, and Eva could get her head straight before she came back.
And if Casey wasn’t ready to talk to her then…well, then she had an answer to the question she was too scared to face right now.
*
Casey was sitting on the end of his bed picking quietly at his guitar when Sierra tapped on the open door.
He glanced up at her, but didn’t say a word. If she was here to harangue him some more, he wasn’t up for it.
“We’ve been talking. We think we’ve sorted out a way to make this work. It will mean CJ and Jesse do some extra miles to come home more often between rodeos, but it’s doable,” Sierra said.
“How does the two of them pitching in between rodeos replace my full-time hours?”
“For starters, there are two of them and one of you. You might be awesome, but you’re not that good. As long as we juggle things around and schedule labor-heavy jobs for when they are here, there’s no reason why we can’t hold the fort here for a few weeks.”
“And what happens if they want us to go on tour? I could be gone for half a year or more.”
“Well, let’s hope we have that problem, because I assume they’ll be paying you and you can tip some money into the pot to help top up your wages to commercial rates so we can replace you properly. Cara’s younger brother is going to be looking for work once he finishes school. He might be a possibility.”
Casey shook his head.
“Why are you so resistant to this?” Sierra asked, coming over and sitting next to him on the bed.
Since he’d been hoping to end their conversation sooner rather than later, he frowned at her.
“Because this place needs all hands on deck right now or we might lose it. I’m not taking any chances with Mom and Dad’s legacy.”
“So, what, you just hunker down here with your nose to the grindstone and think about what could have been for the rest of your life, resenting the rest of us and this place because you gave up what you really wanted?”
“It wouldn’t be like that,” he said stubbornly.
“Tell that to Jed.”
Casey stared at his sister, and she raised her eyebrows, daring him to disagree with her.
But he couldn’t do it, because it was true. Jed had sacrificed his dreams when their parents died. He’d walked away from his education and lost the love of his life to ensure their family stayed together and to safeguard their parents’ legacy.
He’d never thrown it in anyone’s face, but they all knew this was not the life Jed would have chosen for himself—if he had a choice. But he hadn’t.
And Casey did.
His sister had just offered it to him—his family were willing to find work-arounds to set him free. They wanted him to go to Nashville with The Whiskey Shots to see how far his music could take him. They wanted him to fly high.
He looked away from his sister’s searching gaze, unable to hold her eye any longer.
“Talk to me,” she said gently, and he could hear the love and understanding in her voice.
He rubbed the flat of his hand along the guitar strings, feeling the metallic rasp against his palm. Why was it so hard to speak the truth?
“I never let myself think I could have it,” he admitted. “I never let my imagination get that far.”
He felt a little dizzy saying it out loud, as though he was letting go of the safety rail and edging closer to the precipice.
“You know, one of my teachers said something to me not long after Mom and Dad died,” Sierra said. “She told me that losing your parents young teaches you that life is cruel and unfair. Maybe we all learned that lesson a little too well, because we Carmodys seem to really suck at going after the things we want in life. The things that make us happy.”
He thought about it for a moment and realized there was a lot of truth in his sister’s words. No matter what happened in his life, there was always a little voice in the back of his head telling him to play it cool and not get too excited. Almost as though he was afraid to want things in case he didn’t get them.
The one big exception to that was Eva. He’d wanted her, and he’d reached for her with both hands.
He slanted a look at his sister. “You really think we can make it work?”
“By hook or by crook. With CJ and my smarts, we can work it out.”
“You are such a smartass.”
“Like I said—smart.”
He glanced down at his guitar again and for the first time since Jimmy Borman had made his offer, he allowed himself to imagine what it might be like to accept it. To go to Nashville with his songs and play for people who had the power to launch The Whiskey Shots out into the world.
His heart shifted in his chest, and his stomach dipped as an electric thrill ran up the back of his neck.
It would be wild , to be able to do that. It would be incredible.
It was such new territory for him, he felt dizzy again. But maybe that was okay. Maybe that was what letting go of the safety rail was all about.
Hard on the heels of the thought came another:
“I need to talk to Eva,” he said, surging to his feet.
“Big time,” Sierra agreed.
Passing her his guitar, he strode out of the room.
CJ, Jed, and Jesse were talking quietly in the living room when he entered. Their conversation stopped abruptly as he headed for the front door with purpose. He took the front steps two at a time, his stride long as he took the path beside the barn to the trailer.
With every step he could feel his brain clearing, his chest loosening. He owed Eva an apology. Yes, she’d taken matters into her own hands, but he’d crashed down on her so hard. Too hard. He’d projected all his frustration and resentment onto her, making her the repository of all his unhappiness.
She hadn’t created his circumstances. She hadn’t killed his parents or fucked up the ranch’s finances. She’d simply tried to find a way to allow him to play his music.
And he’d punished her for it like an asshole.
The lights were out in the trailer. The thought of her lying in the dark, miserable and alone made him want to punch himself in the face. He tapped on the door, calling out to let her know it was him.
“It’s me. Can I come in?”
It felt important to ask tonight, even though they’d sped past door knocks and permissions weeks ago.
Silence greeted him, and Casey frowned. Some instinct made him push the door open and he sensed the trailer was vacant before he flicked on the light.
The bed was empty, and the doorway to the bathroom was open. She was gone. He stared at the stack of her research books and the neat bedding and registered that something was missing: her suitcase.
Spinning on his heel, he leapt down the steps in a single bound and broke into a run, only stopping when he reached the yard.
Sure enough, Big Bertha was gone, the place the van had occupied achingly empty. He’d been so preoccupied when he passed through a minute ago that he hadn’t registered its absence.
Light spilled into the night as the front door open and Sierra emerged, phone in hand.
“Casey—she’s heading home to LA. I just saw my phone. I’m so sorry—she texted an hour ago to let me know she’s going to Bozeman for the night so she can fly out first thing tomorrow.”
For a moment he didn’t know what to do or think. He’d monstered the woman he loved so thoroughly she was leaving town. The thought ricocheted around his mind, rooting his feet to the ground.
Then his brain came back online.
“Text and ask where she’s staying,” he said.
“I already tried. She hasn’t replied,” Sierra said.
CJ, Jesse, and Jed were ranged behind her in the doorway, silhouetted by the living room light.
“How many motels are there in Bozeman?” Casey asked Jesse.
Jesse spent his life on the road, if anyone had off-the-cuff knowledge, it was him.
“I don’t know. Five, maybe six,” his brother answered.
Casey charged up the steps and his family parted to allow him to dart back into the house. He scooped up his truck keys and his own phone, then rocketed out the door again.
“What are you going to do, try all of them?” Jed asked.
“If I have to.” He caught Sierra’s eye. “Text me if you hear from her, okay?”
“Of course.”
“Drive safely, Casey,” CJ called as he slid into the pickup.
He lifted a hand in acknowledgment and started the engine with an impatient rev. The moment he was rolling down the driveway, he hit the button on his hands-free to call Eva.
The phone rang and rang before finally cutting across to voicemail. He’d been so fixated on wanting her to pick up, he didn’t know what to say.
“It’s Casey. Call me when you get this, okay? I’m really—”
A beep sounded to let him know he was out of time and the phone cut to the dial tone. He swore and thumped his fist against the steering wheel. He started to call her again, then realized he didn’t want to apologize over voicemail.
The conversation they needed to have was not going to be conducted via recording.
The decision helped settle him, and he adjusted his grip on the steering wheel as he approached the grain elevator on the way into town. It would take him an hour to get to Bozeman, and maybe another to check all the motels. He’d find her. He had to.
The moon was on its way to full, and the white background Eva had sprayed on the wall of the elevator glowed an eerie pearl white against the dark night sky as he approached. He was so busy noticing she’d finished blocking in the outline of her three portraits that he almost didn’t register the battered black van parked at the base of the building.
Then he did, and relief and gratitude slammed through him.
Braking hard, he pulled into the gravel lot and cut the engine.
He saw the pale blur of Eva’s face as she turned to see who it was. She was standing at the foot of the elevator, arms crossed tightly over her body.
He walked toward her, hating how wary she looked.
He’d done that to her, and it freaking killed him to have her look at him with uncertainty in her eyes.
He stopped in front of her, close but not too close, fighting the urge to simply pull her into his arms.
“Sierra said you were headed for Bozeman. And flying home to LA tomorrow,” he said.
“I was. But I changed my mind.”
“I was about to chase you up there,” he confessed.
“Good. I stayed because I realized that I’m not a runner. I’m a fighter. And you and I are worth fighting for, Casey Carmody.”
He took an involuntary step closer, unable to stay away.
“I’m sorry. I overreacted,” he said. “I Hulked out on you because I wasn’t being honest with myself and I was too scared of wanting something I couldn’t have. I was an asshole, and you deserve better, and I’d really, really like the chance to make it up to you.”
Her face was intent, her gaze scanning his face as she absorbed his words.
“I was an asshole, too,” she said. “You were right, I was out of line, making decisions for you. I should have kept talking to you. I should have trusted in you and us instead of going all white knight and trying to save you from yourself.”
“I don’t know, it turns out I might have needed saving,” he said. “And I can be pretty stubborn when I have my head up my ass, my sister tells me. It may have been so far up there, I wouldn’t have been able to hear what you were saying.”
Her mouth lifted at the corners and her face softened. She looked so beautiful to him in that moment, so precious and special, and he couldn’t stop himself from giving voice to the words that had been living in his heart for weeks now.
“I love you,” he said. “I’m crazy about you. I fucking worship you, Eva King. I have a feeling my life is about to become a really wild ride, but I don’t want any of it without you by my side.”
It wasn’t going to be easy. They were going to be pulled in different directions by her art and his music, but he was confident they could make it work—if she wanted to.
If she was all-in the way he was all-in.
For a heartbeat, the world seemed to hang in the balance—then her eyes lit up, and he saw her answer before she said a word.
“I love you, too. So freaking much.”
She launched herself at him, her body slamming into his as she lifted her head for his kiss. Her lips were cool, but her mouth was hot, and she tasted like a hundred different types of sin and a thousand promises all at once. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her as close as was humanly possible, absorbing her goodness and rightness and feeling like the luckiest man on the planet.
He’d almost messed up the best thing that had ever happened to him and he would never, ever make the same mistake again, because she was his one and only, the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
He knew it in the same way that he knew the sky was blue and grass was green. It was a fact, simple and immutable.
They kissed and clung to each other for long minutes, both of them unwilling to let the other go. Then the bright, annoying ring of his phone cut through the stillness, forcing him to lift his head.
His rear pocket was vibrating, and he pulled out his phone to see Sierra was calling. He showed Eva the screen, and she smiled as he took the call.
“Call off the hounds. I found her,” he said.
“What? How? I thought she was going home?” Sierra squawked.
Eva leaned close so she could be heard.
“I am home,” she said, her eyes warm on his, and he felt the truth of her words in his blood and bones.
His sister’s triumphant hoot almost deafened them both.
“All right, calm down. You’ll hurt yourself,” he told her.
“I don’t care. Congratulations, kids. I knew you’d work it out.”
“No, you didn’t,” Casey said, rolling his eyes at Eva because he knew it would make her smile.
“I totally did. I’m the optimist in the family, remember?” Sierra said.
“All right, optimist, I’m going now. The woman I love and I are having a Moment.”
“Oh, Casey, I knew she was—”
He ended the call, and Eva laughed.
“She’s going to kill you for that.”
“I’ll die happy, because I have you.”
Then he kissed her again and started backing her toward her van.
“Really?” she asked in between kisses.
“We’ve done it worse places,” he said.
She glanced over her shoulder at her beaten-up van. Then she shrugged.
“What the hell, we’ll make it work.”