22. SAME MISTAKE
22
SAME MISTAKE
JACK
J ack stood there, waiting for Penny to respond to his admission. Tamped down his own anger as best he could, but it wasn’t working.
He was being an arsehole to her. Knew he’d been distant toward her, even though what he was feeling wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t her fault that he needed her so much the thought of losing her or their baby had set him off in a bad, bad way.
Gulping down air, Penny pressed her hands to her cheeks and slapped them lightly, then shook her head with a cracked-glass snort of laughter. And now he had to hold in the urge to pull her into his arms and comfort her. If he did that, he’d fucking cave. Cancel the fight. Let the world know he couldn’t protect his woman and she was fair game for anyone who tried to come for her.
She licked her lips as if they were parched. How he wanted to kiss those lips, to make her breathless and needy for him, make her forget about the fact that he was going to break his one promise to her, and maybe, in the process, break her heart.
“How?” she managed to ask. “He’s suspended from fighting in the league. Last I heard, after the video of him showing his ass went viral, his suspension was made permanent. There is no title to fight for here.”
Jack scowled. “Our old friend Simon FitzGerald contacted me and left an open invitation to go back to the castle whenever I wanted. When that fucking animal put you and our baby’s life in danger, I called Simon. He was very interested in the idea of hosting a private fight on the grounds. If his cunt friends can’t watch me fuck, they’d be very happy to watch me fight instead.”
Insane. Yes, he knew how insane this sounded. He didn’t use the word frivolously. Still, Jack stood there, slowly forcing himself to turn to stone as she stared at him wide-eyed.
“Simon FitzGerald. Did you know when we were at his little party, I heard him call you an animal? Baby, come on. That man doesn’t give a fuck what happens to you,” she breathed out.
“You don’t think I know what people like him think of people like me? I do know,” Jack retorted, his fists clenching. “I’ve known my whole fucking life. It doesn’t matter right now if he can give me what I want.”
“Great, so, without talking it over with me, your so-called partner, you’ve decided to risk either permanent brain damage or death by coming out of a five-year retirement to fight a man twelve years younger who hates you. When I’m four months pregnant with the baby you asked me to have.” She exhaled softly. “This has to be the most breathtakingly selfish thing I’ve ever heard.”
His fucking soul took a one-two hit with that one. And now his worst instincts kicked in. To go on the offense, to take her down. Make her tap out and drop this topic before it devolved into something ugly.
“Maybe selfish is asking someone to forget who he is. I stood there and watched you get hurt. I thought the baby —” He had to stop at the way his insides twisted, reliving that moment and the agonizing hours of waiting afterward. “And you’re asking me not to respond because he’s younger than me? That’s fucking grand, Penny, fucking grand. Thanks for your belief in me.”
Penny looked almost physically sick at his harsh words. “I didn’t mean it as an insult. I meant it as a fact. And do not make me the excuse for what you’re about to do. This isn’t about me at all. This is you not wanting to admit that getting back into that goddamned cage is what you’ve wanted all along. You need people admiring you, worshipping you. Your name at the bottom of a TV screen and your face on a T-shirt. Even if it means getting yourself fucking killed .”
Jack’s nose flared. He didn’t know he could burn yet still be cold as ice at the same time.
Then something in his chest absolutely ached when she sniffed and swiped her face with her hand in a quick move. “You want that life? Then go back to it. The movie premiers, the celebrity parties. Don’t forget the models.”
Penny’s trembling grin was a gut punch.
“I don’t want that,” he said, his voice strained. “But if you want to talk about not being able to let go of the past, let’s talk about it.”
Penny rolled her eyes, and he narrowed his eyes at her in return. “Talking about me so we don’t have to talk about you? I’m not falling for that shit.”
“No, really, let’s do it, Penny. Let’s talk about it. When we met, you’d been solidly single for ten years. Now we’re living together, and you are having my baby. But everything in your life is still about Brendan. Every fucking thing. Brendan is a god to you. Except he’s dead, and he’s not coming back.”
“S-stop…” she whispered, holding herself.
He should have. He should have stopped right there because she looked wounded and confused. He should have stopped fucking talking and held her. Told her he loved her, and they would be okay.
Too late. Jack was locked in his frustrated rage. This had to be said. He’d been holding back, holding everything in for far too long, and now it was going to spew out unchecked.
“Oh, right, I should never mention Brendan, even though you’re still bleedin’ married to the man in all the ways you refuse to marry me,” Jack said. He burned, he blazed, he was drowning in a lake of fire. “You gave up the violin to play the kind of music he wanted. That book you’re dragging your feet to finish? It wasn’t even your idea to write it in the first place; it was his. Yet you won’t finish it because if you finished it, you’d have to let go of him, and you can’t.” Chest heaving, he gazed at her. “You want to compare how I feel about you to how I might have felt about some meaningless photo op relationships that were set up by my publicity team? Women I never loved? Okay, you go and do that. I’ll be here wondering how I can compete with a dead man that you’ve loved your whole fucking life . Is it even possible for you to love anyone else? Do you love me at all ?”
The question hung in the air like a balloon, ready to pop. He should have stopped right there and gone to her and embraced her before it was too late. But they’d already reached a cliff edge. And her eyes were slowly losing their luster.
Penny licked her lips again. Her face looked otherwise still. “You want to hear something really dumb?” she asked suddenly. Her eyes were so dark, so deep, like starlight had fallen in them and had gotten swallowed up. “I was never in love with Brendan.”
Jack stilled then, too. Speechless, he stared back at her as she spoke softly.
“Our moms worked together and they were good friends. We were always together as kids. But at some point, something changed for him. It didn’t for me. I tried really hard to feel what he felt because I thought it would make sense.” Penny nodded as if affirming herself. “My best friend, my partner in music, in everything. I convinced myself that the butterfly thing I wasn’t feeling was just something people made up. And if it was real, well, I didn’t need that to feel content in a relationship. Our foundation was solid. I told myself our connection was about more than lust. So, I stayed, and I… ruined his life. Yeah. I ruined his life.”
Jack’s mind spun to hear her say something like that about herself. “How could you say that? You could never —”
Penny’s short laugh was strained. “Oh, but I did. Want to know how? For starters, I got birth control shots behind his back. He wanted children so badly, but I acted like it was a mystery why I wasn’t getting pregnant. I lied to him and to myself. I thought, ‘It’ll happen later, we’re young, we’re busy.’ That’s how I justified it. But deep down, I knew a baby would tie me to him forever, and I…I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it.”
To watch her face twist with pain, knowing it was his fault for wrenching this story out of her, felt a lot like hammering his own fingers with a sledge. And now there was something wild in her expression, like there’d been an unstable tower of stone where she’d kept hidden all her hurts and shameful secrets, and it was about to come crashing down on her.
“Penny –” he tried, his voice thicker.
“I lied to you, too,” she said. Penny eyes shimmered with tears. “I was with Brendan when it happened. We were playing a late-night show out back of a bar in Georgia. It was the end of summer, and it was going to be the last one before we went home to Owenville for the winter. But these good ole boys were there, drunk, acting stupid. When we were done with the set and packing up, they came around and tried flirting with me like he wasn’t right there. I told him to relax, it was nothing. Let it go. Squeeze stepped in and told them to fuck off. I guess they were scared of him, so they did. Squeeze asked me and Brendan to leave with him and Dennis, but I wanted to stay. The danger had passed. It was cool. So, Brendan and I stayed at the bar and kept drinking, dancing, and having fun. When we were leaving, those guys were outside waiting for us.”
“Jesus. Penny…” Jack reached for her, his anger washing away on a tide of regret and horror at what she’d already told him and at what she would say next. She stayed away, putting up a warning hand.
“You wanted to hear this, so let me finish,” she said harshly. Her chest rising and falling, she continued. “Brendan tried to fight them when one of them grabbed me. He got punched, and he fell and hit his head. It cracked right open on the concrete step. The guy didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did. He ended up going to jail for manslaughter.”
Stunned at this revelation, Jack couldn’t speak. He only listened as raw hurt poured out of her.
“Brendan held on for three days in the hospital. The doctors said it was hopeless and he’d never wake up. He was brain-dead. Now Brendan…” Penny wiped her face. “He was such an old man, even when we were little. He had a will drawn up when we got married to leave me everything he had. And there was a living will, too. It said if anything happened where his chances of living an active life and playing music were off the table, they shouldn’t keep him alive. He didn’t want to be a burden on me, with no hope of getting better. His mother said I was lying, and we should keep him on the machines, but…” She gulped a breath. Jack could see her trembling. “I did what he wanted. I told them to turn off the machines. He got hurt because of me. He died because I gave the order to take him off life support. He never experienced true love or had the children he wanted, and then he was gone. Because of me.” Stabbing herself in the chest with her finger, she said in a voice so jagged it cut him, “Because I wanted to dance and have fun.”
Jack’s entire soul ached for her. Her eyes were full of those frozen tears she wasn’t allowing to fall.
“At the funeral, his mom told me to get out. She said she knew it all along. Somehow, I’d be the end of her son in some way. The way she screamed when they lowered his casket into the ground. I just…” Penny closed her eyes, swaying on her feet. When she opened them and looked at him, all he saw was defeat. “I can’t do that again, Jack. I can’t be the reason you get yourself killed.”
She gazed at him with such broken devotion on her face it was hard for him to breathe.
“I’m sorry that happened to him. I am so sorry. But you did love him. Maybe not like that, but you made him happy. You don’t see that?”
Penny shrugged with a short, sharp laugh. “I did love him. He was my best friend. But with you…the way I feel about you…You really expect me to be there and watch you get hurt like that? Why would you put me through that on purpose?”
“Brendan did what he was supposed to do as your husband. He stepped up to protect you, which actually makes me respect the hell out of him now that I know. That’s what I’m doing because that’s my job now. This isn’t something I want to do for the hell of it. It’s what I have to do. This is who I am. And I’m going to need you on my side. Say you’re with me, Penny.”
Penny turned and went to the office door. She paused to look back at him with those glimmering eyes and that trembling smile that flayed his heart.
“After everything I just told you, you still won’t change your mind.” With a shaky sigh of resignation, she said, “I’m sorry, Jack. I can’t support you. If you cared about me, you wouldn’t ask me to.” Her face spasmed. She left and quietly closed the door behind her.
Jack was fucked for the rest of the afternoon. Mentally, emotionally, and physically fucked. He couldn’t go out to the floor and pretend he was okay. And maybe they’d heard it when he and Penny’s voices were raised because no one knocked on his door as they usually would.
Wracked with regret and longing, he couldn’t stop thinking of what she’d revealed about Brendan, the lack of passion in their relationship, her survivor’s guilt devotion to him. All of it made sense now. And he couldn’t stop thinking of the horror she’d gone through. Couldn’t see anything but the way her face had looked when she’d left.
Hiding out at the gym was cowardly, and he knew he had some apologizing to do for some of the things he’d said. Maybe even call off the fight. Swallow his ego and his pride, forget about revenge, and cocoon her with his love.
“I’m taking off,” he announced before evening class began. Charlie raised his eyebrows with his mouth shut as he raced out to get back home.
When he got there, the single overhead light in the foyer was on. She left it on for him on nights when she knew he’d be out late. The living room was dark, though, as were the kitchen and the bathrooms. Eager to see her, Jack didn’t stop to eat anything although it had been hours since he’d had a bite. He raced up the stairs two at a time, seeking her down the hallway in the master bedroom to tell her he loved her and he wasn’t going to go through with it. To hell with La Roque, with all of it. He needed her more.
There was one light on in the bedroom. But no Penny.
It was quiet. Jack noticed it suddenly, how quiet it was. Like before Penny had moved in, there was a stillness that felt like it had had time to grow and form itself into something almost physical.
“Penny?” Jack checked the ensuite master bath with the colorful hand towels she’d bought.
Not there.
His mind raced while his heart slowly skipped and then stopped beating. He was quiet now, like everything around him.
Jack went to her dresser on wooden feet. His eyes swept the top, and then he carefully opened the drawers one by one. Noted that she’d taken her wedding photo with Brendan that he’d known was in there, all the underwear and half the clothes.
“Okay,” he breathed, nodding slowly.
Luggage was gone, and more clothes had disappeared from her half of the walk-in closet.
Wide-tooth comb, paddle brush, products, and scarf gone? Uh-oh. This was serious now.
That was the kind of joke Penny would tell if she were still there.
Was this really happening?
He sat on the edge of the bed and absorbed the deepening silence. Jack didn’t cry. He was too full to cry, too full of rage. Too full of the need to destroy everything, to blow up like a volcano and melt the world in his ashes. If she wanted to leave when he needed her the most, then fine. Fuck the world and everything in it.
Suddenly, the room went from black to gold. Jack blinked. Had he really been sitting in the same spot on the edge of the bed all night? He couldn’t remember sleeping, but he must have. What a mindfuck.
Trixie was barking. Shit. He needed to get her breakfast and then take her out. On their jog, he passed by the pink rowhouse. Jack stared at it briefly. Someone had put a Shamrock Rovers flag in the bedroom window.
It was like she’d never been there.
What was a bit of a shock to the system was finding Deirdre and Bran sitting in their car in front of his house.
“Surprise, Jackie! We decided to come back instead of hiding out till Spring in Italia,” she said with flair. Deirdre jumped out of the car. “Aw, it’s my big eejit and my little love.” She meant him and Trixie, who grinned up at her quizzically as if asking, “ Who are you? ”
Same Mam. Same brown eyes and soft brown hair, with a smile and healthy pink cheeks under her Mediterranean tan.
“I know we didn’t announce we were coming, but would Penny happen to be up and dressed for company? We want to finally meet her. But if another time is best, we’ll wait,” Deirdre said, still hopeful.
“What’s the craic, Jack?” Bran greeted him, putting out his hand for a shake while still behind the wheel. “Where’s yer wan?”
“She’s out early,” Jack said. His voice sounded like it came from a different person. Not him. Not like a man who’d just lost fucking everything.
“Aw, okay.” Dierdre’s lip puffed out, and then she brightened. “Next time, with a proper plan. It’s in the car with Miss Trixie then. We’ll give you a ring later. I’m just so ready to get home and sleep in my own bed.”
A small worm of panic that he’d thought had died wriggled anew when Dierdre took Trixie’s leash from him.
“But what about her things? I’ve got her bed, her crate, and food. You can’t take her home without anything there waiting for her,” Jack said slowly, his brow creasing.
“We’ve got all that. All we need is to drop by the market on the way home.”
“We appreciate you keeping her for us,” Bran said. “You’re finally gonna get your life back like you keep saying in those emails.” He rolled his eyes at that, then grinned.
“But she’s on a specific diet. You can’t just give her anything,” Jack argued. Why was his chest hammering like this, like he’d just run a sprint? “And it’s been a while since she’s seen you. It won’t be good for her if you just take her all of a sudden like this.”
The worm was now a snake. It coiled in his gut, hugging his organs, squeezing his lungs. He was finding it harder to breathe.
Dierdre tugged on the leash, frowning at him. “What’s the matter with you? You seem off.”
Breathe in, breathe out, breathe, breathe …
“I’m grand,” he bit out. Something wild was crashing around in his chest, something about to tear out of him. He tried to control the strain in his voice. “I just don’t think you should take her like this. Not fast like this, no warning.”
His mother exhaled. “Jack, we’ve had a long trip. We just want to get home. We’ll bring her around on the weekend.”
“Don’t take her. Just — just wait —"
“We need to go, Jackie.”
Dierdre finally got the leash away from him and went to load Trixie into the backseat of the car. She got in on the passenger’s side, and with a wave, they were gone.
Back inside the house, Jack looked around. He felt sick. He stood rooted for a good few minutes, willing the sickness to back down, ordering himself not to let it out. Trixie’s spare leash hung on its peg, swinging uselessly. Whatever it was inside him reared up huge and ugly at the sight of it.
Jack picked up the chunky vase Penny had bought to hold flowers whenever he came home with them. Heaved it against the far wall with a full-throated scream that ripped out of him, with all the wild fury and anguish roiling inside him. Fucking tearing him apart.
He sank to the floor, wracked with deep sobs that wrenched his chest. They broke him on their way out. He couldn’t get up if he tried.
The glass of Penny’s vase was down there with him. It had shattered into a thousand pieces. Maybe a million.