Chapter 17 #2
Van did pull over this time, nudging onto the shoulder of the semi-quiet road, then shifted into park.
He gripped the wheel with both hands, heart pounding, while his emotions ran riot.
So many things he couldn’t describe, so many thoughts and feelings.
They’d told him from the start that they both liked him, felt a pull toward him, but he’d still gone into this expecting to be booted if it got too big.
He hadn’t fully trusted what they’d told him.
Until now.
His feelings for both men had been there from the start.
From first flirting with Benji back in July, to nearly hooking up with Joshua in September, he’d wanted them both.
And now they were offering him something he’d never dared hope for—a relationship with two exceptional men who made him feel exceptional, too.
Like he was more than a pretty face and big dick.
Like he could let his guard down, stop being Van Fucking Holt, and be Donovan again—an innocent boy, eager to fall in love and find his happy ending.
His right hand twinged, and a blast of fear left his insides cold.
The bogeyman of his nightmares was long gone, but it didn’t stop the irrational terror of losing Benji and Joshua to violence, the way he’d lost his first love.
He’d nearly lost them to the car accident last summer; he might have never gotten the chance to know them.
Maybe one day to even love them. He couldn’t lose that chance.
“I’m in,” Van said. “I want to do this, but I have to warn you I’ve never been in a real, long-term relationship with one person, never mind two.”
“We’re all learning here,” Benji said. “And I think maybe we all have enough patience and understanding to make this work. I mean, I’m back on the road in a few days, and to be honest?
I love knowing you guys will have each other while I’m gone.
” He looked at Joshua. “Van is a real person that you have a real connection with, not some random hookup. That makes all the difference in the world to me.”
Joshua reached between the front seats to clasp one of Benji’s hands. “You won’t be jealous if we get together while you’re on the road?”
“Get together? Really? No, I won’t be jealous if you guys have sex while I’m gone, as long as it’s you two, no one else.”
“No one else, I promise.”
“Me too,” Van said, a little overwhelmed by all of the emotion. Then he laughed. “A pansexual, a bisexual, and an asexual in a three-way relationship.”
“Maybe demisexual,” Benji said.
“That sounds like the start of some bizarre ‘three guys walk into a bar’ joke,” Joshua added.
They all laughed, and it helped quell some of the craziness in Van’s brain. “Well, in a way, you two did walk into a bar, so . . .”
Benji punched him lightly in the shoulder, and then leaned over to kiss him. A small, tender press of lips that was somehow more intimate than any other they’d shared. “Let’s go back to your place, yeah?”
“Hell, yeah.”
Nerves had plagued him the entire ride back to Van’s apartment, but full-fledged panic hit Benji the moment he crossed the threshold, and he didn’t understand why. He trusted Van to be gentle with his body and his heart, so the fear made no sense.
Except it did.
I’ve never done anything remotely sexual with anyone except Joshua.
He liked blow jobs. He wanted Van to blow him. Hell, he was already half-hard thinking about it, but actually taking the steps to get there?
I need a drink or five.
Yeah, because the last time he drank too much had ended so well for him.
“Benji?” Van said. He and Joshua were both watching him from the other side of the apartment, near the bedroom door. Both curious, neither judging him. “Change your mind?”
“No.” That had come out like a squeak, so Benji cleared his throat and tried again. “No, I didn’t change my mind. Nervous, I guess.”
“Would it help if I got you going?” Joshua said, a familiar twinkle in his eyes.
The mental image of both Joshua and Van on their knees, taking turns pleasuring him, sent a bolt of arousal down Benji’s spine.
Goose bumps rippled across his shoulders and neck.
They hadn’t done that in front of Van yet, which of course made Benji blush, his face going hot.
Being humped by Joshua was one thing; getting blown with an audience seemed bigger, more intimate.
And probably the first step he needed to ease his anxiety. “It might, yeah,” Benji said.
Joshua frowned. “Come here.”
Benji crossed to the two men, his stomach wobbly, fingers shaking.
“Talk to us,” Joshua said.
“I’m sorry.” Benji took each of their hands, needing the grounding touch. “I hate that I’m so bashful about this. I mean, it’s a blow job, not a livestream gang-bang.”
“Feel what you feel and don’t apologize for it,” Van said. “Talking to each other is what’s going to make this work. If you aren’t ready to take things further, say so.”
“I am ready, that’s what’s so crazy. My head and my heart know you’ll take care of me, it’s my stupid body that keeps reacting like it expects an attack.”
Van studied him thoughtfully for several long beats. “Do I remind you of Ritchie?”
“What? Why would you ask me that?”
“Because you were terrorized by someone you thought you could trust. Ritchie broke your trust, and then hurt you both physically and mentally, and those things leave scars.” He squeezed Benji’s hand.
“I know in the car you said maybe you needed to be pushed, but I’m scared of pushing the wrong way and making you resent me. Or fear me.”
Benji turned those words over in his mind.
Physically, Van looked nothing like Ritchie.
Sounded nothing like Ritchie. After the horrific bullying incident, Benji had seen a therapist for a while, when his anxiety had been at its worst, but he’d never really considered that the attack had affected his ability to let his guard down around other guys, especially in intimate situations.
He’d never felt unsafe around the guys in XYZ; he’d also never dated any of them.
Same with Bobby and Andy in Fading Daze.
He let Joshua’s hand go so he could hold Van by the shoulders and really look at him. Into intense eyes brimming with emotions he was too nervous to name, because Benji felt a lot of them too.
I’m falling for him.
“The fact that you know my history and are being so careful means everything,” Benji said.
“Maybe subconsciously the attack is still affecting me, but that’s something I have to work on.
I trust you, Van. I want to start sharing more of myself with you, and I meant what I said in the car.
Sometimes I’ll need that push, because I’m not good at stepping outside of my comfort zone without help.
I might never be, but I’ll promise you the same thing I promised Joshua: If I really don’t want to do something, I will tell you.
I won’t go along for the ride if I think I’ll regret or resent it later. I swear.”
“Good.” Van pressed their foreheads together, and Benji closed his eyes, soaking in the warmth of the man standing so close.
Hands cinched together at the small of his back, pulling him forward until their pelvises pressed snugly.
Then Joshua was there, plastered up against him, and Benji really liked being in the middle. Protected and cherished.
Now he was ready to be worshipped.
“Didn’t you guys say something about blowing me?” Benji said in a husky whisper.
Joshua released a familiar, growling gasp. One of his hands slid from Benji’s waist to palm him through his jeans. He nipped at Benji’s earlobe, then said, “Couch or bedroom?”
“Bedroom.” Despite assurances of Van’s roommate being out for hours yet, he’d never be able to relax with the front door right there.
They moved as a unit, somehow managed not to trip, while hands continued to caress Benji’s body, awakening nerves and getting his dick to sit up and take notice.
The bedroom door shut with a slam, probably kicked, because yeah, four hands, still on him.
Then Joshua stopped touching, but only long enough to whisk his own shirt off and drop it on the floor.
Van did the same. Everyone ceased contact for the sixty seconds it took to get shoes and socks off, because that was practical.
Nervous, turned on, and incredibly curious how things would proceed, Benji submitted to whatever they had in mind with this blow job.
They knew he’d speak up if he didn’t like something.
Joshua and Van looked at each other, communicating silently with their eyes, and that was crazy sexy to watch.
As if they shared a sexual wavelength that allowed them to follow the same flow and work in tandem.
With gentle hands, they eased Benji onto the bed, spread in the middle on his back, still fully clothed.
His hard cock pressed against his zipper with eager awareness, and he really wanted some pressure there.
Instead, two mouths began licking the sides of his neck, his ears, and cheeks.
Van nipped at his chin, before sucking a mark on the side of his neck that made Benji shiver with delight.
Joshua kissed him on the mouth, tongue thrusting inside to lick and stroke.
Every kiss with Joshua was like coming home, so familiar and wonderful and perfectly them. Every kiss with Van was a new adventure. Together they worked to drive Benji nuts, still stroking his chest and abdomen with their hands. Keeping him keenly aware of where they weren’t touching him yet.
This isn’t just a blow job. They’re seducing me.