Chapter 20 #2
Van must have been on his break, because they texted back and forth for a while, mostly surface stuff that avoided the one guy missing now, and who’d be missing—physically, at least—for the next couple of weeks.
Joshua ended up falling asleep on the couch with his phone in his hand, only waking up when Emmett let himself in around one-thirty. Joshua crawled into bed, but couldn’t fall into a good, deep sleep again. He’d gotten used to sleeping with Benji beside him, and now the bed was too big. Too empty.
How did I do this for three years? I need him.
The sun finally rose, giving him an excuse to get the hell out of bed. A hot shower, three mugs of strong coffee, and an action movie on cable finally woke him up enough to drive over to Van’s for brunch.
Van ushered him inside with a smile and a quick kiss. “You don’t look like you slept much.”
“I don’t usually after Ben and I separate, especially when we get a long period of time together.” He looked around the familiar living area of Van’s apartment, expecting to see Benji at any moment. “Seems worse this time.”
“Because you were together a week?”
“Because we were together for a week.” Joshua shrugged out of his jacket and draped it over one of the dinette chairs. “Lincoln knows about us. We talked last night.”
Van tugged him forward into a loose hug, his hands gentle weights on Joshua’s hips. “How did it go?”
“He didn’t seem very surprised, and he’s happy if we’re happy.”
“Are we happy?”
“I’m happier when we’re all three together, but yes. Still happy, even though I miss Ben.”
“So do I. Somehow he’s imprinted himself on this apartment.” Van nuzzled his cheek. “So have you.”
“I like being here.” Proximity to Van was fucking with Joshua’s senses, perking up his dick and making it very difficult to remember he’d come over for brunch, not a booty call.
Every time he had sex with Van, Benji was at least present, if not verbally participating.
Fooling around without him, permission or not—
“It doesn’t feel right, does it?” Van asked.
“Huh?” Joshua pulled back and saw the same reluctance in Van’s eyes. “Only being the two of us? No, it doesn’t.”
“We can simply spend time together, Joshua. We don’t have to define our one-on-one relationship by the fact that we fuck. We’re both more than that.”
“I know, and you’re right. Why don’t we eat?”
The brunch foods Van had laid out were similar to last week’s spread. Strawberry-pineapple smoothie instead of mango, with a slightly altered selection of fresh fruit, plus that oddly named Ezekiel Bread and smoked salmon.
“Is this your daily allotment of meat?” Joshua teased, poking at the salmon with his fork.
Van nearly inhaled his smoothie. Once he’d stopped coughing, he wiped his eyes and said, “Fucker. Smoked meat retains more nutritional protein than regular cooked meat. It’s better for you, in other words.”
“Gee, thanks for dumbing it down for me.”
“You’re the one who tried to kill me with a meat joke.”
“Endeavoring to cause as many spit-takes as possible is part of my duties as your boyfriend.” Van’s head snapped up, and Joshua realized what he’d said. “That’s okay, right? Calling you that?”
“Of course. Sorry, it still sounds strange.” He worked up a sad smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Is it awful that I’m twenty-eight years old, and no one’s ever called me their boyfriend before you two?”
“It’s not awful.” Joshua needed to make him smile again, only he wasn’t sure how. “We all walked different roads to get here. I’ve only had one other serious relationship, and that was in high school.”
“Tell me about that?”
He pulled at his memories of a time he hadn’t actively thought about in ages. “Her name was Megan, and we met in freshman Spanish after she teased me about not being able to roll my R’s correctly. We dated for most of high school, but we broke up after Homecoming senior year.”
“Why’d you break up?”
“No particular thing.” Even six years later, Joshua couldn’t pinpoint a single reason why they’d called it quits the day after the big dance. “Our chemistry was always great, but as we grew up, our interests changed. We grew apart, and our circles of friends shifted.”
“Did she know you were bi?”
“Of course. I told her when we first started dating, and it didn’t seem to bother her.
She never used it against me, or accused me of being selfish or any of those things bi people get from the dickfaces who don’t understand.
Megan and I are follow each other on Instagram, but we don’t really talk much.
She’s married now, with her first child on the way in a few months. ”
Finally, Van cracked a smile. “That’s good to hear.”
“Yeah. She’s a great girl. Always supportive of me, especially when my family imploded because of Kirk. I hadn’t told her about the abuse before he was arrested, and when I did, she was amazing. I spent more than a few nights on her parents’ living room sofa that year.”
Ferocity overtook that precious smile. “This Kirk bastard. Is he still in prison?”
Joshua’s stomach soured. “He got out two years ago. Served five and a half years, plus three years parole and he had to register as a sex offender. He gets within twenty yards of my nephews and he goes right back in.”
Joshua's fifteenth year had been one of the most confusing time periods of his life, between Kirk’s arrest, his parents finally believing the allegations of abuse, and then Joshua’s stubborn refusal to talk to the police.
He’d been too angry at carrying the truth alone for five years that he’d dug in, despite a whipping from his father.
“What about you?” Van asked. “Is he restrained from coming near you?”
“No. I told my family I made the whole thing up.”
“You what?”
Joshua shrugged. “Maybe it was a moronic thing to do, but at the time I was so fucking angry, Van. I can’t even describe to you how it felt to be ten years old and have your parents accuse you of making it up when you say your uncle abused you.
My father fucking spanked me for lying and for keeping up the lie.
I hated him so much. I hated all of them.
Five fucking years go by, and suddenly Kirk is caught in the act, confesses to what he did to me, and now I’m telling the truth? Fuck that.”
He shoved away from the table, his emotions taking over.
So much rage and frustration from those early years that he’d never truly, properly vented.
“The only thing I’d tell the police was I didn’t remember.
Three therapists tried to get me to talk, and I refused.
I was a stubborn little bastard, but Kirk is out of our lives, so what the fuck does it matter anymore? ”
“Josh.” Van pulled him back against his chest, lean arms right around his middle. Chin on his shoulder, his fruit-scented breath puffing across Joshua’s cheek. “Hey, it’s okay.”
God, Joshua was trembling and so close to tears he could scream for the weakness. “I hate them so much, and I’m so goddamn tired of hating them. It’s exhausting.”
“Then stop hating them. You’re allowed to let it go. Let them go. You’re allowed to heal and move on.”
“But they’re my family.”
“Blood doesn’t make someone family.” Van turned him gently and cupped both cheeks in his palms. Joshua grabbed his hips and held on tight, needing the solid anchor of the man in front of him.
“I know that better than anyone. You are allowed to be happy, Joshua. If your family is toxic, cut them out. Wash your hands. Walk away. No contact. Use whatever term you like best, but stop hurting yourself to punish them.”
Is that what I’m doing? Staying angry and distant to hurt them?
How had he not seen that until now?
Oh yeah, he didn’t talk about the past. Ever. He’d told Benji the broad strokes when they first started dating, but they’d never sat down and unpacked the emotions of it all like this. No one had ever held up a metaphorical mirror and made Joshua see how much his own anger was poisoning him inside.
“Should I have let them take care of me after the accident?” Joshua asked, barely recognizing his own voice. “Was it selfish to shut them out?”
“It was the absolute best kind of selfish. You did what you needed to do for you, not for them, by recovering with Benji’s family. And by taking time off from a job that was killing you, simply so you could show them how successful you were. How good you were.”
Is that what I did? Slaved away at IT for good money and travel expenses, to show them I wasn’t the weakest link?
“I never saw it that way,” Joshua said. “But you’re right.
My siblings are all at least once-divorced, with low-wage jobs they jump between simply to keep the lights on.
My parents are serial cheaters who never wanted me in the first place.
Especially my father.” He held Van’s gaze, speaking a truth he’d only ever told Benji. “I’m not even his.”
Van’s eyebrows jumped. “Biologically?”
“Yeah. He got a vasectomy two years before I was born, and he’s pale, skinny, and Irish. So’s my mother.” Joshua swept a hand up and down, indicating his light brown skin that could have been a dark tan, but wasn’t. “I kind of stand out from my siblings.”
“He resented you because you were physical proof of your mother cheating.”
“Exactly. Everything was my fault, nothing I did was right. He beat me with a belt the first time I told him about Kirk, and again five years later when I refused to talk to the police.”
Van’s entire body stiffened, his face going sharp, feral.
Like he was one more confession away from driving north to commit acts of violence against Paul Lansing for daring to lay a hand on Joshua.
He battled with something internally that played out in his eyes, before finally settling. “It wasn’t your fault. Not any of it.”
“Yeah. But I didn’t know that then.”
“It’s okay. What’s important is you know it now, and you start living the life you want to live. Not the life you think will impress your parents. Fuck them. Live for you and for me and for Benji.”
Joshua’s throat closed, and even Van seemed close to tears.
So, Joshua hugged Van tight, needing the warmth of his arms and the hard thump of his heart.
They held each other a long time, standing in the small space between living room and kitchen.
Van had refocused everything for Joshua.
No more trying to make his cold parents proud.
No more toiling away at a mind-numbing job that kept him away from home for months on end.
No more pretending he wasn’t in love with two very different, but very amazing men.
“I need a new job,” Joshua said.
Van chuckled. “Yeah, you do. I’d suggest Off Beat, but nepotism only goes so far during winter hours.”
“It’s okay, I don’t think bar life is for me.”
“Hotels are big business around here.”
“You think?” He pulled Van over to the couch, so they could cuddle up together for a while. “Maybe I could do freelance computer work for local business owners? Help with web design, functionality, security, all that kind of stuff.”
“I thought you wanted to get away from IT?”
“I don’t know. It’s what my degree is in.”
“Then get a new degree. Take online courses. Or there are three colleges forty minutes from here. You’re only twenty-four, babe. You’ve got time to figure this out.”
Joshua grinned, then kissed Van on the cheek. “Say it again.”
Van stared until he figured it out. “Babe.”
“I like the sound of that.” He rested his head on Van’s shoulder. “Thank you for this. It really helped me put things into perspective.”
“You’re welcome.”
Joshua settled in Van’s arms, comfortable and protected, and let go. He still missed Benji like crazy, and that wouldn’t stop until they were together again. But right now, he had Van, and that was all he needed. Someone to hold him and tell him he had value beyond what his family thought of him.
Benji and Van were his family now—they were all he ever needed, and more.