Twenty-One
Saylor
“You’re gonna tell me what happened, or I’m gonna go kill a priest,” Gathe said as he glanced over at me from the driver’s seat.
“You aren’t going to do anything. It’s just over, okay?”
“Did he fuck you, then get his religion back? Is that it? Because, yeah, then I’m slicing his dick off and shoving it down his goddamn throat,” he snarled.
“We never had sex. What you saw was after we messed around, hands only. We’d both gotten off. But that was it. And you’re leaving his dick alone. You go near him, and I will put a bullet in your dick.” I seethed. I didn’t want to talk about it. I wanted to go home, lock myself in my room, and cry.
“A man doesn’t cream his jeans from a little hands-only play. Unless you jerked him off, and that’s not what it looked like.”
I rolled my eyes. “He’s a virgin. It doesn’t take as much.”
Silence.
I shouldn’t have told him that. But did it matter? Jude never wanted to see me again. My presence meant danger.
“He’s a fucking virgin?” Gathe asked, his tone horrified.
“Yes. He is a priest,” I bit out.
“Uh, yeah, but he wasn’t a priest when he was a teenager or in college. Jesus, the man is, what, twenty-seven years old and never had a pussy?”
“Twenty-nine,” I said, refusing to look at him.
“Holy fuck,” Gathe breathed. “You could have probably just said the word pussy , and he’d have shot a load in his pants. A breeze would set him off. The brief brush of—”
“That’s enough. You’re not funny.”
“I’m not making jokes. I am fucking serious.”
“I shouldn’t have told you.”
“So, what has he done? Licked a pussy? Gotten sucked off?”
He wasn’t going to let this go. I shook my head.
“The man has never had a mouth on his cock?” Gathe was almost shouting.
I glared at him then. “No! Would you shut up about it?!”
He nodded, and I enjoyed the silence for a very brief moment before—
“I can’t slice off his dick. He hasn’t gotten to use it yet.”
Oh, for the love of God, would he let it go?
“Did you at least touch it for him? Before he got all guilty and ended things.”
“That isn’t what happened, and, no, I never touched it. He just touched me.”
Gathe pulled through the gates of my house, and I had never been so relieved to be home. When the truck came to a stop, I reached for the door handle, and Gathe locked the doors.
“Not yet.”
“I am not giving you details on what we did, Gathe. Stop being creepy.”
He shook his head. “That’s not what I was gonna ask, but for the record, it’s creepy. He’s a virgin at twenty-nine. But no more of that, I swear. Or at least today. Now, tell me what happened. Because I might not cut his dick off, but I will go slice something off him if you don’t give me a reason not to.”
For Jude’s safety, I had to keep it together and get this out. I couldn’t cry in front of Gathe.
“He figured out the windows were bullet—no, bombproof from the insurance adjuster at Vapiano. Because they weren’t even cracked from the tornado. Then, there was the thing about my car just having a few scratches, although it had been slung against the power pole. I intend to confront Dad about the totaled car lie he gave me. I like my car.” I took a breath, then continued, “He is afraid that my being there is unsafe for the others who might be around. After all, if I require bombproof windows and a car that can survive being tossed by a tornado, then I must be a major target. He can’t put that target right there in the middle of people who could be hurt because of me. Which I get. I do.” It just hurt like a bitch. And I wanted to go now so I could go cry about it.
Gathe reached over and squeezed my arm. “I’m sorry, Princess. I know you liked him, but he is a priest, and at the end of the day, there was no future for you two.”
I know. Doesn’t make it hurt less.
I nodded.
“Come to Bane’s tomorrow night. Everyone will be there.”
I started to shake my head but stopped. The idea of going back to the way things had been before I started working at the clothes closet made the void in my chest begin to spread.
“I’ll think about it.”
“You will?”
The excitement in Gathe’s voice felt foreign or unattainable. Something that lay just beyond my grasp.
“Thanks for the ride. Now, will you unlock the doors?”
“You’re gonna be okay again, Saylor. This was just the beginning.”
I didn’t want it to be the start. That made it sound fleeting, as if it would be a moment in time I forgot. And I would never be able to forget. Not one single second. All of it was threaded together and now a permanent part of my soul.
Almost a year since he’d been killed, and the only thing that was different was there was no Crosby. I’d sat on this sofa, scanning through Insta, while they all yelled at the flat screen last year. It was week two of the NBA semifinals, and it was boring as hell. Netflix was looking better by the minute. I’d have already left if Gathe wasn’t so damn happy I was here.
I looked down into my empty martini glass and decided that a number three was required. Perhaps if I drank enough, the unending replay in my head of every moment I’d spent with Jude would stop or at least pause. Even when I was asleep at night, he found his way into my dreams.
When I stood up, Gathe’s gaze immediately swung from the game to me. I held up my empty martini glass and gave it a little shake, showing him it was empty before walking over to the bar. Last year, I had drunk High Noons in a can on a night like this. Now, I was downing dirty martinis. By the look on Gathe’s face, I could tell he thought I was preparing for when Halo entered the room. I wasn’t. Oddly, I didn’t care.
I had expected to meet her the moment I walked inside, but she’d been bathing Crosby’s baby. No. That was snarky. His name was Hawkins, and he was Halo and Bane’s son. She was getting him ready for bed.
Bane had appeared after the bedtime prep with him. Than had asked if she was coming, and he’d replied that she had to nurse Hawkins first. He had been feeding more lately, and nursing took almost forty-five minutes.
Okay, so if you’d known Bane Cash a year ago, you’d have never expected the man to utter things like breastfeeding and bath time. I had caught myself staring at him, trying to fit this man into the asshole I had known all my life.
His gaze swung to mine, and the crease between his brows, as if I had no reason to look his way, made it clear he was still the asshole I knew. Just the daddy version.
After I finished shaking up my drink that I’d put two shots of vodka in instead of one, I poured it into the glass. I opened the mini fridge for the olives since I had emptied the bowl of them earlier, but I found none. I needed my olives. Three, to be exact. Closing the mini fridge, I headed back through the great room and down the hallway leading to the kitchen.
Gathe once again turned to see where I was going.
“Olives,” I said before leaving the room.
I wasn’t sure if I should be insulted or not. It was likely he was concerned about me. Making sure I was handling everything okay. Or he was worried about me bumping into Halo. He was the one who wanted me to meet her. He swore I was gonna like her. We could all be one big, happy family.
When I stepped into the kitchen, it felt normal. Like I had just been here yesterday, doing the same thing. The array of food that lined the counter was typical as well. Except…I walked over to study it. Huh. They’d added some things. Items none of them had been eating in the great room. The salad looked appealing. Spinach with pecans and strawberries. I wondered what the glaze was.
I found a new jar of olives in the pantry. I opened them, got out three, and plopped them into my cocktail, then took a big gulp. I stood there as the third martini started to work some magic on my empty stomach. There was a slight buzz. I waited. Expecting the numbing to come so the pain in my chest would ease.
Jude’s smile—the sexy one he had when he was thinking about naughty things—flashed through my head, and I groaned. Not numbing. Just tipsy. Sighing, I grabbed a fork and pulled out a barstool in front of the salad, not bothering with a plate. I didn’t want to go back in there and listen to the guys and their game. This was only one of two games tonight. Yay for me.
I stuck my fork into the salad bowl and made sure to get strawberry and pecan on it before shoving it into my mouth. A sweet glaze coated the spinach, but I had no idea what it was. Not bad. I chewed, staring at the cabinets.
It was Friday night. Men’s Bible study would be over. Was he home alone? Did he want to text me?
I shook my head and took a drink. I was pathetic.
“Oh.”
The feminine voice broke into my thoughts.
I picked up the stick with my three olives and pulled one off with my teeth. Seemed it was time. I was meeting the other woman. Crosby’s first choice. Setting my glass down, I turned to look at her as I chewed the vodka-soaked olive in my mouth.
We looked nothing alike. She was a brunette with blue eyes. I might trade blue eye colors with her, if that were possible. Hers were definitely more unique. She was beautiful, but I had expected that. The girl had gotten both Cash boys to fall in love with her. Both pretty damn fast too. If Gathe had told me the truth, then Crosby had only been seeing her for a little over a month when he was killed. Bane had been hot after her within two months’ time, even though she was pregnant with his dead brother’s baby.
She was standing there, staring at me, nervous, uncertain, like she was considering bolting.
No need, Crosby’s Number One. I don’t care anymore. I have beef with God now. Not you.
“So, we finally meet,” I said, holding up my glass to her in a salute. Not sure why I had done it, but the vodka might have had something to do with it. “Please, don’t run off. I’m just eating this salad, having a drink, and thinking I should have stayed home and watched Netflix.”
I took another drink, watching her over the rim. She still looked like she might turn and run. What had they told the girl? Scratch that. I didn’t want to know. It would piss me off, and I was already dealing with too much shit to add pissed off to the list.
“Seriously, come in. Get whatever you need. Heck, fix a drink and sit. The great room is filled with pointless noise over a basketball game that has no real relevance or impact on any of their lives, yet they are cheering and shouting at the screen as if it does.”
She walked farther inside, dropping her gaze to the ground and biting her bottom lip. Was she always so timid? This was her house now. She should act like it. It sure as shit wasn’t mine.
Girl, get a backbone. Own it.
“Halo,” I said, “you’re gonna need to loosen up. Gathe won’t leave me the hell alone about coming over here. Being a part of things again. So, here I am. And here you are. Let me ease your mind. I don’t care that Crosby cheated on me with you. I also know you didn’t know about me. Okay, I cared before. Yes, it hurt. But I’m over it. Right now, I’m the other woman. The man I want, his number one is God or Jesus. Are they the same? I don’t know. Are you Catholic by chance? Because if you are, I have some questions.”
She was looking at me now instead of at the floor, and the corner of her lips was almost curving up. It wasn’t a smile exactly, but at least her body wasn’t so tensed up anymore. She had relaxed and might not take off sprinting for safety.
“I, uh…no, I’m not Catholic or religious. But I do believe that God is the father and Jesus is the son. The Christmas thing—Jesus was born. Then, there is Easter, where he rose from the dead and went to heaven to sit by God. Something like that.”
I nodded and stabbed some more salad with my fork. “You know more than me. Do you know that the Catholics wave large green leaves, uh…palm leaves—that’s it. Anyway, they wave them around on a Sunday that they call Palm Sunday while walking into the church behind the priest.” I stuck the forkful in my mouth.
A small laugh bubbled out of her. It was sweet and feminine. Nothing like mine. Yep, no similarities at all.
“I didn’t know that, no.”
I finished chewing and swallowed. “Are you gonna stand there, or are you waiting on me to tell you that you can get what you need? Or have a seat. Or get food. Because in case you missed the memo, this is your house. You don’t need me to tell you it’s okay.”
She scrunched her nose. “I just…well, I’m…I feel awkward. With you.”
I nodded and took a drink, then reached for the stool beside me. “Yeah, well, we fucked the same guy,” I told her. “Sit down. Have some salad.”
Her eyes dropped to the stool, and then she walked over to it and had a seat. She was an obedient one. The thought that Jude would have liked her, too, hit me, and I winced. Not going there.
“Uh, maybe I should just get my food and go,” Halo said.
I snapped out of my internal hell. “No. Sorry. Honestly, whatever facial expression I was making just now was not about you. I’ve had some revelations about Crosby and me. It wasn’t real love. Sure, we loved each other. But I love every guy in that room, Bane excluded—no offense, but he’s just an ass. Anyway, we are a family. I love them. But just like those guys, I wasn’t in love with Crosby. He was just all I knew. He was comfortable…” I paused and took a drink. “And, well, he met you and felt things. Things he hadn’t felt before and realized it. What he felt for you was strong. It rocked him. Lit up his world. Changed the way he saw life. It was more exciting. There was a warmth in his chest that had been cold.”
Halo shook her head. “I don’t think it was like that. He was still with you. I was just something different.”
I laughed. “Trust me, it was. It just took me feeling those things for someone to realize it. I hadn’t known what we were missing until I had it with someone else. But seeing as I am not as lovable as you seem to be, I am still not the first choice.”
I saw the flicker of emotion in her eyes. Seriously, what color blue was that? And those slate-colored rings around them were fantastic.
“I imagined you many times, and this was never what I thought you’d be like,” Halo said.
I raised both eyebrows. ““What? Did you picture horns and a forked tongue?”
She laughed louder this time, and her eyes twinkled. They effing twinkled. I guessed if your boyfriend was gonna cheat on you, then at least it was someone who looked like her. If I were into girls, I’d be crushing on her. That was probably the vodka talking again.
“Not exactly. I had…well, I expected you to be gorgeous. That wasn’t a surprise. But I thought you’d have a haughty, elitist way about you.” She grimaced as she said it. “Instead, you’re charming and funny. You have a confidence that isn’t intimidating, but draws others’ attention. I mean, in a fascinating way. Does that make sense?”
I took the stick with olives from my glass, then looked at her. “You’re married with a kid, and I’m not into girls. And even if I were, I’d be scared of Bane. Sorry, but it’s not gonna happen for us.”
This time, she tilted her head back as she laughed, placing her hand on her stomach.
I was kinda funny. Funnier with the vodka. I ate another olive as she wiped the tears from her eyes. Okay, I wasn’t that funny. But then she did live with Bane, and he was a bore. Poor girl was deprived.
Speak of the devil…
I watched as Bane’s large form filled the doorway.
Yes, hurry and save your woman from my clutches.
I rolled my eyes. He glared at me, then took three long-ass strides to Halo. His hand was on her shoulder, turning her to look at him.
I gave him a smug look when he took in the big grin on her face. His gaze flicked to me, then back to her. The expression on his face was powerful as he gazed at her like she was the only thing he ever wanted to look at again. A pang of jealousy had me tipping back my glass and finishing off my drink. Not that I wanted Bane to look at me that way. Ew. Just that no one ever had. I didn’t inspire it in men.
I bet when she got mad, she didn’t lash out. That her eyes filled with tears, and the sight of her pretty face showing pain brought men to their knees. I could picture it, and I knew I’d never be able to do the same. Because I would be damned if Jude saw me cry. The last time I had fallen apart and cried, I had been accused of being selfish. My tears, showing my hurt, were making it all about me. Maybe in that moment, those weeks that followed, I had made it about me, but I had been betrayed by someone who was dead. There would be no way of asking him why.
“I am fine,” I heard Halo say to Bane, bringing me back to the present. “Hawkins is fast asleep with a very full tummy. At least until midnight.”
“So, this…you’re good in here?” he asked her. Translation: Do you need saving from this bitch?
“I’m enjoying myself. Saylor is way better company than y’all are when you’re watching a game. And y’all have some explaining to do. I think I’ve been lied to.”
Bane’s frown was back, and he immediately leveled me with it.
Cheers, motherfucker. Stop scowling at me.
“Stop it!” Halo grabbed his chin and jerked his attention back to her.
Well, I’ll be damned. The angel has some bite.
“I’m enjoying having another female around to talk to. I’m starting to think it’s your fault that I’ve been deprived of her company.”
I put my empty glass down and shook my head. “Oh, no,” I said before Bane could talk. “Trust me, you weren’t deprived. I needed time. You did not want to meet me before…before now. I had to…” I paused. How did I say this? Fall in love? No. I wasn’t in love. I just felt a lot. More than I had with Crosby. “I had to meet my own Halo. And realize what I hadn’t known Crosby and I lacked. What had been missing. Except, because I have the worst luck, that person had to be a priest.” All the word vomit. I needed to shut up. Maybe have another martini.
Both of their heads were turned toward me. I could see the compassion on Halo’s face and the…well, I didn’t know what was on Bane’s. I couldn’t read that man. He had little in the way of emotions. Unless he was looking at Halo, and then he was another being altogether.
“Leave us to girl talk, please,” Halo said to him.
He nodded, leaned down, and pressed his lips to hers. I stood up, taking my glass, not in the mood to watch them suck face. It just reminded me that I’d never been kissed by Jude. That he had never wanted me enough to grab my face and kiss me.
“I’m gonna go fix another drink while y’all do that,” I said, starting for the door.
But my glass was lifted from my hand before I took another step.
“What?!” I snapped my head around to see Bane walking away with my glass. “HEY, ASSHOLE! Give me that!”
“Sit down. I’ll get your drink,” he replied.
I blinked and stared at the doorway as he exited the kitchen. Bane Cash was getting my drink because his wife wanted to visit with me. What the hell kinda magic did that girl possess?
I turned around and looked at her. “Could you teach me how you do that?”
There she went with the nose-scrunch thing. “What?”
I pointed at the door. “Get a man so wrapped around your finger that he does whatever he must to give you what you want.”
She studied me then, as if trying to understand me. “You want to talk about it? The priest?”
I sighed and went to sit back on my stool. “Not much to talk about. It’s either me or God, and he chose God.”
She reached for a fry from the tray in front of her. “How did you meet him? I mean, since you have strong feelings for him, I assume you spent time with him.”
I needed more vodka for this. Or not. Maybe talking about it would help.
“I walked into the Catholic church as a last resort,” I told her. “It was your wedding day actually. And I had a lot of feelings about that. But not about you and Crosby. Not anymore. I was angry with myself because I was lost. Crosby had been my identity for as long as I could remember, and I hadn’t realized it. I couldn’t move on because I didn’t know myself. The girl I had been. Yet you were marrying Bane and had a baby. Moving on. Happy. I was jealous of that. The moving on and having a life. So, I went to a god I didn’t know to see if the answer was inside the church walls.” I laughed, although there was no trace of amusement in it. “I found something all right. But it wasn’t God.”
“The priest,” she guessed.
I nodded. “Yep. I couldn’t believe it was even allowed for a man who looked like him to be an ordained priest. Surely, the powers that be were aware the sight of that man stirred lust. And I knew that was a sin.
“We talked. I told him about us. The wedding. Crosby. And he invited me to a group that met at the church on Saturday nights. They had dinner, then discussed loss and moving on. I went. Mostly just to look at Father Jude.” I smirked. “And then I went to Mass the next morning. Unlike the night before, he ignored me. I left and didn’t go back. To Mass or the meetings.”
She frowned. “That was it?”
I shook my head as Bane walked back into the kitchen with my drink.
“Needs three olives. Jar is on the counter over there.” I pointed, giving him a smile that said, You are so pussy-whipped .
He didn’t look my way though as he went to do it. That was amazing. He was actually doing it. I glanced at Halo as she stared at him with complete adoration in her eyes.
He placed my glass in front of me, then bent down to give Halo another kiss before heading back out the door. I picked up my drink as she turned her attention back to me.
“Again, teach me your ways,” I said, then took a sip.
“Okay, so what happened? There has to be more to this story.” Her interest in my life was unexpected.
“I wanted to do something with my life. Decided the God thing wasn’t for me, but I needed a purpose. So, I found a clothes closet in town, where those in need could come shop for free.”
“Where you were during the tornadoes when everyone was scared to death,” she said.
“Yes. There.” I didn’t want that memory. But there it came, running through my head like a movie. The closet. Jude’s hands on me. I shoved it away. I had to stop it.
“Anyway, the Catholic church owns it. It’s one of their ministries. I didn’t know it at the time. Jude, uh…Father Jude showed up, liked my ideas to organize and change things. I started. Saw him often. There was flirting. We got too close. I felt things I’d never experienced before. Then, the tornadoes came. The windows didn’t shatter. He found out they were bombproof, demanded answers, and I told him who and what my family was. He then sent me packing because he couldn’t have me putting the church members or anyone else there in danger by being near me. Because clearly, if the place where I was working required bombproof windows, then I was a major threat.” I took a drink, then added, “Tossed me out and didn’t even flinch.”
That wasn’t the entire truth. He had flinched.
“That’s not fair,” she said, looking almost angry. “They were just being their overprotective selves with the windows. You weren’t putting anyone in danger.”
I sighed. “Yeah. But the thing I’m having to accept is that I think he used it as an excuse. We had gotten…well, we hadn’t had sex, but he was breaking his vows. We were doing other things, and it was headed in that direction. I was a temptation. I was causing him to sin. He removed me from the picture. Which told me I had been in danger of falling for a man who was just lusting after me. And that hurts like a bitch.”
We sat there in silence for a moment, and then Halo stood up.
“How do you feel about ice cream?” she asked.
“With fudge and sprinkles?”
“Don’t forget the whipped cream.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I’m a fan.”
She headed for the refrigerator.
“I’ll get the bowls and spoons,” I told her.
On my way around the island, Gathe walked into the kitchen. His gaze went from me to Halo. “Everything good?”
I opened a cabinet. “Yep. We are eating ice cream. Go away.”