Thirty-Eight
Jude
Forty Hours Ago
The sour burn of bile remained in my throat while I listened to Hannah talk about their church in Fort Worth. Carp told me about his new riding lawn mower, and they both begged me to make it home for a visit this summer. Putting food in my mouth that I didn’t taste was the only thing that kept me from blurting out what I had to tell them right here in the restaurant. I had to get this meal over first.
Hannah excused herself to go to the restroom, and I took another drink from my glass of sweet tea, wishing it were whiskey instead. This was the longest meal in the history of the world. Every second that ticked by was one that Saylor was hurting.
“All right, son, what’s going on?” Carp asked from across the table as he crossed his arms over his round belly.
I knew the smile I had forced was a pathetic attempt. It was the best I could do. “Some things have changed. I intended to talk to you both about it after lunch,” I told him. There was no point in lying about it when we’d be leaving soon and that talk would be next.
His eyes narrowed. “What kind of things?”
This wasn’t the place to have this talk. I had waited out of respect for them, but my loyalty only went so far. They weren’t the most important people in my life. When faced with choosing, I had made my choice. I chose who I couldn’t live without. I knew there wouldn’t be a day that I didn’t want her. Continuing this life on the path I had taken wasn’t going to work anymore. I’d had my road diverge, and the path I would take wasn’t a question. I knew what I had to do. It wasn’t about the amount of people I hurt or betrayed. Maybe if I were a better man, it would be.
I wasn’t that man. Putting anyone or anything before Saylor Rice was impossible for me. I wouldn’t do it. I’d burn the town down around me if I had to in order to have her. Whatever it took, I would do it.
“Me,” I replied, looking at the man who had been like a second father to me. “I’ve changed.”
His frown deepened. “How so?”
I sat up, placing my hands on the table in front of me, then took a moment to prepare for the outcome. His response. Their response. All things I was willing to face.
“I grew up. I’m not a boy anymore. My beliefs have changed. My feelings have matured.”
His eyes stayed locked on me as he waited. He wanted me to continue.
“When Delana passed away, I thought the void she left inside me was permanent. I loved her. You know that. But I was young, and I believed that you only loved like that once. I couldn’t imagine ever feeling something that intense with anyone else. So, I chose to become a priest. Serve the life I had to live without her and any chance of happiness for God. Helping others.”
His thick tongue came out and licked his lips. “You’re telling me that’s changed?” The disapproval in his tone was clear.
“Yes, it has. I’ve started the process of laicization,” I told him. “The request has been sent to the bishop.”
Carp dropped his arms, and he leaned toward me. “You what?” he asked as if I had told him I’d just killed a man.
I let out a weary sigh. This was nothing compared to how Hannah was going to react. I guessed telling Carp was a warm-up.
“I can’t be a priest. I’ve already broken my vows,” I told him.
“What?” Hannah’s gasp as she walked from behind me to look at my face was about what I’d expected. She’d gone pale. Horror showed in her gaze.
“I’m sorry. You both have done a lot for me, and I promise I will pay you back every dime you spent on me. But I made the decision to be a priest when I was a boy who hadn’t truly lived yet.”
She held out a hand to stop me. Flashes of anger and pain warring in her eyes. “You are telling us that you don’t want to be a priest. That you are sure that there is someone out there for you. Is this about sex?” She whispered the last word, still standing up. “Because that is not worth giving up your vows.”
I shook my head. “This isn’t about sex. I mean, well, yeah, partly. That comes with a relationship. But I don’t think I will find someone. I already have. I wasn’t looking. She walked into my life, and I fought it, but I fell in love anyway. There was no stopping it.”
Hannah’s look of disgust as she stared at me didn’t bring the guilt I’d thought it would. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders.
“Having sex is not love. You loved Delana. That is real love. What you have done is lose your virginity, and sex has confused you.”
I stood up, placing the napkin in my lap beside my plate. She, or anyone else, wouldn’t tell me how I felt about Saylor. “I know what love is. I know the difference.”
Carp slapped down money onto the table and stood, pushing back his chair with more force. “Take this outside. Folks are looking,” he said angrily.
He was the one who had asked me. I had tried to wait until we didn’t have an audience. I followed them both out the door and into the sunshine.
Hannah spun around the moment we were on the sidewalk. “I won’t let you do this. You are not going to ruin your life. What about Delana?” she cried as tears filled her eyes. “Is her memory really that easy to toss away? Forget? You wanted to be a priest for her. To give your life a greater purpose. And you are tossing it away for some, some jezebel.”
“Don’t,” I warned, trying to remember that she was hurting. I’d let her down. But I’d be damned if she started calling Saylor names. “You do not know her. You don’t know the circumstances. And I will not allow you to call her names and throw accusations at her or blame her.”
She swung her gaze to Carp, wide-eyed, as if she couldn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth.
“I love you both. Your family will always be important to me. But I had to choose, and I chose her. I love her. I’m aware this hurts you, and I knew it would. I didn’t think this was going to be something you understood or accepted. But she is what I want. She brought happiness and light back into my life. She gave me a reason to live. Really live.”
Hannah threw up her hands dramatically. “What about living for Delana?! Do you remember that promise? You tossed it aside so easily. Who knows how long this will last? Then, you are going to realize you made a mistake and ruined your life.”
Carp laid a hand on her shoulder, pulling her back from where she was now inches away, pointing her finger at my chest. Tears rolling down her face.
“Seems he made his decision,” he said to her. “Causing a scene out here ain’t going to change it. Let’s go.”
She turned and buried her face in his shoulder as sobs shook her body. His eyes met mine, and I had a feeling if he thought I’d let him land one, he would take a swing at me. He patted her back, whispering words to her, but looking at me.
“Again, I’m sorry that I’ve upset you.”
“You did more than that. You broke her heart. Again. And it ain’t just us you’re so selfishly hurting. It’s the parish. The people who helped you get to where you are, the bishop who placed you there.”
I knew all this. So, I said nothing.
He spoke into Hannah’s ear as he turned her around and led her back to their parked car. I wouldn’t be getting a ride with them, but it was only a two-mile walk.
I pulled out my phone and called Saylor, needing to talk to her. Explain why I’d handled things the way I had. It rang…and rang…but no one answered. Not even her voice mail.