50. Caelia
Kaz’s fingertipsbarely graze my skin, but it’s enough to distract me. Am I willing to trust him again? I need to understand why he’s sticking around. He killed Ermanno. He captured Mattia. There’s nothing left for him here, yet he stayed for me. He returned for me.
He will not hurt me,I remind myself as he stretches his palm on my stomach.
“Because you’re mine, Caelia. You’ve always been mine. And I know you’ll fight it. It’s in your nature. But I remember what you told me.” His words come out rough, his accent slipping.
Oh, God! No. This can’t be happening. There’s no excuse for what I said.
“I’ve told you many things.”
“Here’s another lie for you: I hate you.” He repeats my exact words, a smile playing on his lips. His body is warm and familiar, but my mind is fractured. I have a hard time distinguishing between fact and fiction.
“I didn’t think I was going to ever see you again. I thought you were dying.”
“You mean you thought you killed me?” I can’t have this conversation right now. He will push until I break. Taking a step away, I hastily grab the hospital gown I left on the sink and dress myself. Kaz doesn’t stop me. “I thought you wanted to shower.” I sit on the toilet seat, refusing to make a fool of myself by trying to get back to bed.
I want to scream and ask him why my life is so important to him. Why can’t he leave me alone? But I don’t get the chance. The door to my room opens. I can’t see the person entering, and I don’t recognize the voice speaking in Russian. Kaz answers him, and then the door closes. I’m mesmerized by the way his lips move.
“Domenico is here to see you,” he explains momentarily.
I didn’t expect him to fulfill that request for me. I tried because I had nothing else to lose.
“Thank you.” I’m uncertain of what else to say. “Could you please help me get back to bed?”
I don’t like it when he carries me in his arms instead of allowing me to lean against him. I don’t like how my mind fractures and compartmentalizes everything. His scent is intoxicating, his body comforting—everything about him is too familiar. Memories of the time we spent together flash in my mind. I’m forced to relive it all. He’s not Mattia. He never was. But that doesn’t mean he made the right choices, either. We will have to talk at some point, but I’m exhausted. He helps me back into bed, tucking the blanket around me. There’s a knock on the door before Domenico enters. I can’t help but smile, which causes Kaz to frown. I’m never that happy when I see him standing in the doorway.
“Sir.” Domenico nods. “Mrs., uh ...”
“Caelia,” I remind him.
“Caelia.” He looks grim. He’s either in pain or confused about why he’s here. I’m not sure what Kaz told him. “What can I do for you, sir?”
“How are you feeling?” Kaz ignores his question, still fussing with the blanket, ensuring my entire body is covered. His tension is palpable.
“I’m good, thank you.”
“Caelia wanted to talk to you.”
There’s a twitch in Kaz’s jaw. He glances between me and Domenico, considering whether leaving me alone with him is safe. I know he doesn’t want to. I can barely convince him to let me use the bathroom alone. He leaves only when one of his men calls him, never for long. Another figure appears behind Domenico—a man about Kaz’s age whom I’ve never seen before. I bite my lip, fear welling up inside me. He’s tall and muscular, and he intimidates me with his expressionless face. A scar runs from the left corner of his mouth to his eye, and tattoos crawl up his neck. I’m not the one he’s looking for, but his gaze lingers on me. My eyelids flutter, and a pit forms in my stomach. Without thinking, I reach for Kaz’s hand, clutching his wrist. I look up at him, my face betraying my fear. He frowns at me, his gaze shifting to his hand where I’m touching him, and then he says something to the other man. He places his other hand on top of mine, warm and reassuring. I can’t understand their conversation, and it only adds to my anxiety. I struggle to breathe as I’m transported back to the warehouse.
“Get out!” I hear the door closing. It’s just me and Kaz now, but the walls feel like they’re closing in. “Breathe, Wildfire.” He takes a seat on the edge of the bed. I can’t let go of his hand. I’m looking at him, but I can’t fully process his features. “You’re safe. No one will touch you again,” he promises. “I’ll kill anyone who dares to come too close to you. I promise.” This isn’t the kind of promise I want. I don’t want to carry this burden, but I’m grateful for it. “Come on, solnyshko. Breathe. It’s just me.”
This is the problem. It’s him. A man who’s not my husband and whose touch doesn’t repulse me, even after everything I’ve been through. It makes no sense.
I’m frozen in the middle of the bed, my knees bent and my head buried between them. I don’t want to go back there. It’s stupid. I didn’t even look at Ludovico when he attacked me. I refused to give Mattia the satisfaction of seeing terror in my eyes. I squeeze my eyes shut, biting my tongue until it gets swollen and wounded. And that man did nothing to me. He’s just one of Kaz’s men. My brain doesn’t care.
“No.” I shake my hand when he tries to move behind me and take me in his arms. “Please don’t touch me. Just don’t.”
I find it impossible to let go of his hand, but I force myself to. It’s better not to touch him again. I don’t want to give him the wrong impression. He’s the person who hurt me the least of all the men in my life, but he still hurt me. He’s not that different.
“Caelia—”
“Please, Kazimir. Don’t.”
I can see the man I spent the last six months with slipping through the cracks. In the way he touches me, in the way he smiles, and in the tone of his voice. Although now that he doesn’t have to pretend to be my husband, I notice a trace of an accent slipping through. He may or may not be aware of it. But that man is there and can destroy me, whether or not I give him that power. Maybe he won’t do it right away, but one day he will.
“Eventually, you’ll have to talk to me about what you’ve been through. You’ll have to let me help you,” he insists, stepping back.
“What are you, my therapist? My knight in shining armor? I don’t owe you anything.”
I owe him my life, but I’m too stubborn to admit it or thank him. How he looks at me stirs emotions I don’t want to confront. I’ve never been more confused.
“No, solnyshko. I’m not your therapist. I’m not your knight in shining armor. I’m your villain. Don’t force me to become your worst nightmare, because I will, without remorse. I’ll be whatever the fuck I need to be to make you stop fighting me and accept that you’re mine.”
His. What a cruel joke.
“I was yours for a while, weren’t I?” My mind is too clouded to have this conversation now, but his possessiveness sparks anger. “I believed your lies. I believed when you said you were trying to change. When you spoke of how wrong everything Mattia did to me was, I believed every fucking lie. And do you know where it got me?” He clenches his hands, understanding where this is headed. “It got me bent over the kitchen counter while you let your anger out and did the same thing he did. And I don’t think you were pretending to be Mattia in that moment, Kazimir. No. It was all you.”
“I told you we could’ve fixed it. That we could’ve talked about it,” his jaw tightens.
“You did,” I admit. “You gave me another chance before you decided that fucking me whenever you wanted was enough. Before you decided you didn’t need my heart to break me.” I remember every word he said to me that day better than I remember what Mattia told me during the time he kept me captive. “You’re right about something.”
“And what would that be?”
“You’re my villain. You should’ve let me die. There’s nothing left for me in this life.” Do I hate him, or do I hate myself? It’s hard to say. “I might be more comfortable around you than other men, even after all this, but that’s because you’re the lesser evil in my life. I will never be yours. And you only have yourself to blame for that. Lock me up again if that’s what you want. Force me to be your slave, your whore.” I fight back the tears. “After all, it’s nothing your brother hasn’t done before you.”
I fell for him, but I can force those feelings out of me. I didn’t understand most of this until he told me the truth. I didn’t understand how Mattia could have been two different people with me. I struggled to comprehend why and how. But now I know the truth.
“Is this you telling me you did lie, after all? That you hate me?”
There’s not enough space in my heart for both hate and love. I have to focus on one, and I have already made my choice.
“Hate you, Kazimir?” I smile. “No. Hating you would require knowing you, and I have no clue who you are when you don’t pretend to be my husband.”
“You know that’s not true.”
“All I know is that you might be the man who tried to do things better, who gave me more freedom than I ever had, who cared for a while, who bought me flowers, cooked my favorite meal, and held me in his arms. But you know who else you are?”
“The man who bent you over and fucked you when you refused to talk to me.”
It’s not a question. He already knows the answer. Kaz has a one-track mind, and he’s determined to possess me. My life means nothing to me. He can have it if it means keeping my sister safe.