58. Caelia
Kaz.Why did I call him Kaz? I feel like I’m losing my mind. This constant push and pull between us is exhausting. The alternative would be to give in, but I’m not ready yet. Cosima couldn’t help me in this situation, but I still miss her. I can’t help but wonder if they held a funeral for me. If Mattia bothered to fake mourn me in public. I don’t want to be bound by Kaz’s side for the rest of my life. There was a moment in the office when I thought it wasn’t the cruelest of fates, but as I look now at our handcuffed hands, panic rises in my throat. I shift my weight as slowly as I can. The last thing I want is to wake him up. Kaz won’t let me go. He forced me to shower with him. Now I’m sharing a bed with him, something I didn’t think would happen again.
I never understood what kind of psycho can sleep in jeans, but jeans have pockets, and the key must be in one of them.
Taking a deep breath, I move closer to him. My nerves prickle as I remember his praise. He didn’t have to say any of those things. All I wanted was for him not to treat me like I would break. I should’ve known better than to ask this of him because now I can’t think of anything else. Bending my arm, I touch his leg, trying to find the key. I feel ridiculous a couple of seconds later when I’m trying to sneak my hand under his ass.
“Have you lost something?”
He tries to stretch his arms, forgetting that I’m attached to him. I lift my arm to avoid punching him in the chin.
“No, I ... Why don’t you go back to sleep?”
“Why don’t you come here?”
I had already fallen asleep in his arms. It’s not an experience I want to repeat too soon. It scares me. I feel at peace and safe, although it’s just an illusion. I want nothing more than to lie next to him. He watches the battle I’m fighting in my head, my face betraying all my feelings. I’m tired of fighting. It’s too late for damage control.
“How can you sleep like this?” I ask, raising my arm to prove a point.
“Like what? With you in my arms? That’s my favorite way to go to sleep.”
“Liar,” I scoff. “Can we talk?”
He raises an eyebrow. “Sure. What’s going on?”
There’s not much light in the room. It’s the middle of the night, and there’s only one lamp turned on. The house is quiet, and even though I’ve showered, the hospital smell is still impregnated on my skin. Not fighting him was never a good idea, but tonight, I gave in. I lie beside him, resting my head on his chest. He turns on his side, wrapping his free arm around me. I can’t decide if I’m driven mad by the handcuffs or if I like them secretly because they force him to stay close to me.
“If you still want to know what happened to me, I’ll tell you.”
His body goes still.
“Are you doing this to distract me from the fact that you were looking for the key?”
Goddamn.
“Is it working?” I laugh.
“Yeah, it’s working.”
I’ve already told Vanya, but I don’t remember it being this hard. I feel like the walls are closing in around me. He moves his hand on my lower back, drawing circles with his fingertips.
“He caught up with me a few weeks after I ran away.” My voice is as strong as I expected. “He came with six of his men and Ludovic. I swear, I tried to fight, to run. I just ... couldn’t.”
I didn’t stand a chance.
“I know you did.”
“He ... he asked his men to strip me naked.” I refuse to cry. I refuse to break down. I need to get this over with. “They all held me down and watched as Ludovic raped me. Mattia never touched me after he caught me. He just sent his brother to rape me so many times.” My voice shakes, and my mind goes blank for a second, refusing to relieve everything. “I didn’t look. I couldn’t. I just?—”
I shiver in his arms, my mind going back again to all those terrible things.
“They will all die, Caelia. I can’t do anything to take your pain away, but I can promise you this. I will take my time torturing them. And I’ll make sure they’ll understand why their death will be so horrific.”
“You can’t just go on a killing spree over this.”
“Can’t I? I know you think you don’t know me very well, but everything I said to you was true, even when I was pretending to be Mattia. You’re mine. No one touches what’s mine. Ludovic is already dead. I’ll hunt the rest of his men down.”
Kaz intertwines his fingers with mine, keeping me anchored in reality. I swallow, allowing the thought to sink in. Ludovic is dead.
“If there’s anything you want to know, ask me now. I don’t want to speak about this again.”
Initially, I didn’t want to speak about it at all, but keeping everything bottled up inside would not help.
“Did Mattia say anything to you?”
“Not really. He swore a lot.” I look up at him, remembering. “He told me that no one was coming for me. That the world thought I was dead.”
“I’ve never stopped looking for you, Caelia.”
The memories are too raw and powerful, and I fight to remember that he’s not Mattia. He never was. I want to ask him why, but he’ll only remind me I’m his, and I’m not sure it’s a reason good enough.
“I didn’t know about you back then. Mattia didn’t mention anything. He only said that Kazimir Mordvinov killed his wife the same night he killed his father, but he didn’t get into any details. I had no idea what he was talking about.”
I scoop closer to him, my head resting on his arm. There’s an entire universe in his eyes, and it’s full of death and violence.
“Would you have done anything differently if I told you the truth sooner?” I could lie and try to send him on a guilt trip, reminding him he could’ve spared me the nightmares so many months ago. But I don’t want to take that road again. “Would you have stayed?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “I want to say that I would’ve done many things differently, but I’m tired of lies, Kaz. So, so many lies. I understand why you did it.”
I might not have understood that night in the hospital when he told me the truth, but I know now. I wasn’t a part of his plan. He didn’t know me. He didn’t trust me. He might not trust me now. And I wouldn’t blame him for that, either.
“I’ll make you a deal.”
“What kind of deal?”
“One year. Give me one year.”
“To do what?” My voice breaks a little.
“You’ll come back with me. As my wife, in case you need any clarification there. Not my slave, not my whore. My wife. In one year, things will calm down.”
“And then what?”
“I’ll give you ten million dollars. You’ll have a new identity to settle wherever you want.”
His words make no sense.
“Are you mad? Do you want to play pretend with me again? Don’t you remember how it ended the first time?”
“No stabbing,” he smirks. “The rules will be different this time. There will be no secrets or lies. Just remember that if you say no, plan A still stands.”
“What’s plan A?”
“Kidnapping. You can’t stay here, Caelia. Benedetti’s associates will hunt you down and kill you. You’re not safe here. I know you don’t want to return with me, but I can protect you.”
I laugh, my eyes landing on our hands trapped between our bodies. The cold metal still binds us, and I think that even in its absence, we’ll always be bound by the invisible thread pulling us toward each other. I know he’s right. I will die if I stay here, but this is a crazy plan.
“Why do I have to pretend to be your wife? Can’t I just come back with you as your friend?”
“Things in my family are not very stable at the moment. My grandpa will feel threatened if I bring back home an outsider, but he won’t be able to do anything if you’re my wife.”
“Six months.” I can’t believe I’m saying this.
“You think you’re in any position to negotiate?” He’s more amused than mad.
“I’ll be your wife for the next six months. I will not fight you, and you won’t have to keep me handcuffed, always wondering when I’m going to make my next escape attempt. I will not lie to you. I’ll come with you willingly. I need your word that you’ll let me go when the time is up, Kazimir. You won’t handcuff me to yourself to prevent me from leaving.”
“You’ll have to do this properly, Caelia. If I’m taking you back as my wife, my family won’t buy it unless it looks real.”
Everything we’ve built before has crumbled. The foundation of our relationship has been woven through too much pain and suffering to survive on so many lies. We can start over. I hate to admit that it won’t even be that hard.
“It’s going to look real,” I assure him.
The worst part is that it will also feel real. I’ve been here with him before. I know he can make it look real, make me question my feelings, and simultaneously bring out the worst and best in me.
“Fine,” he agrees. “Six months, but you’ll give me everything in these six months.”
It sounds too good to be true. He was right that night in the hospital. There’s nothing left here for me. However, it will kill me not to speak with Cosima. I can compromise on this. Freedom in six months sounds like a dream.
“We have a deal, then. You’ll be my wife for the next six months.”
“We have a deal.”
God, what am I getting myself into? Rationally, it makes no sense. I don’t trust him to let me go when the time’s up. This is not what he wanted. He decided I was his and would return with him regardless of what I wanted. I don’t know why he is bending now, meeting me halfway. How can there be no lies between us if I can’t trust him completely?
“And I want birth control,” I add. He sighs. “Kaz, I’m not kidding.”
“I hear you.”
He hears me, but will he give me what I want?