Chapter Nineteen
Nineteen
We all turn to look out of the main doors. There’s the lightest drift of snow, like frozen dust falling from the sky. It’s hardly worth getting off the sofa for. But Sam is hopping at the window like a golden retriever who wants to go out and play in it.
“Is it settling?” I ask.
Sam stares at the ground and pouts. “A little.”
Sara is not impressed. “It looks cold.”
“How weird,” I say.
She mock-scowls in response, and for the briefest of seconds, I see my old friend. There’s hope yet. Maybe she isn’t totally lost.
“We should go for a walk!” Sam says, his enthusiasm bursting in each word.
Priya snorts. “No, thank you. My toes do not agree with the cold. There are not enough socks in the world.”
“Hattie?” he asks, noting he doesn’t even bother trying to persuade Sara to join.
I shrug. The fire is on and there’s a bowl of sour cream and onion crisps in front of me. My toes are warm in my fluffy socks. Going out in the cold right now doesn’t feel super enticing. “Maybe in a bit, Sammy.”
I briefly wonder where Freddie is. Probably working again.
An hour later and the snow is coming down in thicker chunks. There’s a light layer of frosting covering the decking and hot tub. The thin branches of the nearby tree are starting to wilt under the weight. Sam hasn’t been able to take his eyes off it, having moved a chair right up to the window.
Priya went off to take a call from Izzy, but she returns now. “Hey, guys… It says there’s a snowstorm coming. Apparently, this is just the start.”
“They always say that,” I say, brushing her off. “And then it will be a shitty layer of snow that will melt within hours. It’s not that bad.”
“What if it does get bad though and we’re stranded?” Priya asks.
“We have two more nights,” I remind them. “It will be melted by then.”
“The lanes around here did seem pretty treacherous,” Sara adds, just to stoke the fire. I can hear the humour in her voice. I turn to give her an admonishing look, but she holds her hands up innocently.
“Honestly, it’s fine, guys. It’s just snow. It’s not a big deal.”
Sam stares at me, his mouth agape. “I’m definitely forgetting something.”
I groan. “This is why I tell you to write things down. Or message me so you don’t forget.”
“I feel like I was meant to do something…”
“I’m sure it was nothing,” I say. “Guys, let’s just relax. You know what snow is like in this country. At best, it will be a light inconvenience. We’ll be fine!”
An hour flies past and I’m chewing on my nails. The snow is bucketing it down now. It’s only two in the afternoon but the thick clouds have shrouded the forest into darkness. I’ve moved to stand at the window.
Sam is in the kitchen, and I hear him shout, “I’ve definitely forgotten something!”
“Oh my God!” I shout back. “Why are you like this?”
“What was it?”
I throw my hands up. “How am I supposed to know?”
Priya strides over to stand beside me, wrapping her arms around mine and resting her head on my shoulder.
She’s so much smaller than me and Sara. I want to apologise and tell her I was wrong.
I never trust the weather reports. Especially living by the coast. Things change so fast, and they get it so wrong all the time, but this one time, they might be right and now I’ve potentially screwed her over and we’ll be stuck in the lodge for longer than she expected.
And she’s already so worried about being away from Ollie.
I bite my lip as I spot Freddie’s reflection a few feet behind me, his hands in his jean pockets, a thoughtful expression etched across his face.
I can see Sara too, snuggled under a fleece blanket, drinking probably her tenth coffee of the day. Caffeine doesn’t make Sara buzzy. It makes her mean and agitated. Like feeding coal to a dragon.
Priya squeezes my arm. “I’m going to call Izzy again. Just in case.”
I nod and hope my expression portrays how sorry I am for not getting this right. She could’ve left before it got too bad.
When I check Freddie’s reflection again, I find him looking at mine too, our eyes connecting through the glass; the corners of his lips quirk.
Knowing he’s on my side feels like I’m a small boat being anchored to a ship during a storm.
It’s as if he can see me trying to keep all my friends together for a just a few days and already flailing.
I turn away, giving him a shy smile as I pass and go to sit with Sara. She immediately shuffles as I settle.
I take a deep breath, suddenly emboldened. “You know what?” I whisper. “I know you wear invisible armour, and I know you don’t like to get into feelings and vulnerabilities, but I want you to know that I’m ready to listen to you if you need it. I’ll always listen. And I’ll believe you too.”
Sara blinks but still doesn’t look at me. “There’s nothing to say.”
I know that’s not true. I think about asking her a direct question about Mike.
Target one of my suspicions that it’s to do with him.
Because why wouldn’t she invite her fiancé to a New Year’s Eve party when we said he could come?
The question of whether she’s spoken to him since we left is right on my tongue, but I choose a different strategy.
“Ok,” I say, using every fibre in my body to leave it at that. I stuff my face with crisps to prevent myself from slipping up and saying something else.
“I’m serious,” she adds. “There’s nothing wrong.” Now she’s staring at me but I’m refusing to look back.
“I know. I believe you.”
She huffs, whipping her hair behind her shoulder. “Fine. Whatever.” She looks around to check nobody is in hearing distance. “You and Adam breaking up has properly messed with my head.”
I stop crunching and gape at her. “What?”
She nods. “I wasn’t meant to be the first person in this group getting married. It doesn’t sit right with me.”
“Ok? And this is my fault?”
“No…” She doesn’t sound very convincing.
I lean back to get an even better read on her face. Her cheeks are red in a way I’ve never seen them before. She’s finding this discussion very difficult. And now so am I!
“Obviously, it’s not your fault. It’s just… You guys were so good together. So solid. You had a future planned. He was a good man. And then he just…”
“Left me,” I finish for her. “He left me because he didn’t love me – crucially.”
“But how can that happen to you,” she says, waving her hands at me.
“You’re so good. You were such a great girlfriend to him.
You did everything right. You were always there for him.
You made his life better. I saw it so many times!
When he was sick, you would cater to his every need. He didn’t deserve you!”
I don’t know what to say to that, but I can feel myself welling up. There’s a lump in my throat and it’s expanding. I swallow it down.
“I don’t do any of those things, Hattie,” she adds.
“I’m not a good fiancée. I don’t deserve Mike.
He’s too sweet. He’s so wonderful and I just know it’s going to end.
I work too hard. I’ll always be there for him, you know?
But I can’t always be sweet and kind and gentle.
That’s not me. And recently…” She pauses, playing with her hands.
“Recently what?”
She huffs a breath. “Recently, he seems to be getting tired of me, you know? Like when my work gets crazy, he doesn’t fight it like he used to. He doesn’t remind me to put it down, put it away and spend time with him. He seems almost… resigned.”
I shake my head. “What do you mean? He loves you. He knows all of that about you and he proposed anyway!”
“Adam loved you too,” she points out.
“You can’t compare our situations.” I take a deep breath.
God, this is harder than I thought it would be, dredging up feelings about Adam which have somehow changed in the last few weeks from heartbreak to anger.
Now I feel sorry for myself. Sorry that I didn’t stand up for me when I had the chance, because I could’ve saved myself from wasting a ton of years.
Sara runs a hand through her hair, looking behind to find Freddie and Sam cleaning the kitchen. Which is highly suspect, come to think of it. The glass in Freddie’s hand has already been cleaned.
Never let it be said that men mind their own business.
“And now I’m upsetting you,” she says. “See, I’m the fucking worst! I have this horrible feeling building up inside of me. I’m finding it hard to ignore, Hattie.”
“Sara, you’re a good person.”
“Don’t,” she says, shaking her head. “I’m uptight. You’ve told me as much on many occasions. And I have three younger sisters who remind me daily.”
“But people who know you, know that’s only your outer shell. You’re the one we turn to when shit gets real!”
She sniffs, biting her lip. “I would hide the body with you,” she whispers.
I nod. “Likewise. Without question. Oh, Sara. I hope you know that you’re smart and independent and beautiful in a way most men would be incredibly lucky to have. Mike is batting way above his average, and he knows that. You know that too.”
She laughs, wiping a tear from her eye. “He’s well above average in the bedroom.”
“Ok.”
“And has the biggest…”
“Personality?”
“Sure.”
I snigger. “Your wedding is going to be ace and I’m here to help if you ever decide you need it. It would be an honour. I’m almost offended you haven’t asked, to be honest. Like, I’m literally in the art industry… I could make it so beautiful.”
“I didn’t want to bother you with it. I thought you’d be too sad after your break-up.”
I stare at her for a long second. “So, you’re telling me you were doing this all on your own because you didn’t want to dredge up my feelings?”
“Well, obviously. In theory, you should be my maid of honour. You know, if it goes to my favourite female friend. Don’t tell Priya.” She whispers the last part.
“Am I not your overall favourite friend?”
“It’s a close tie.”
“I’m offended.”
She rolls her eyes because we both know she has no other friends than the ones in this house. “Do you want to be my maid of honour or not?”
I gasp. “Can I throw you a wild hen do?”
She cringes, lacing her fingers together on her lap. “As long as it’s classy. I don’t want dick straws.”
“Oh, well, in that case,” I say, twisting my lips, “I’m out.”
She scoffs. “Are you freaking kidding me?”
“I’m not going to a hen do without dick straws, Sara.”
She relents, shaking her head. “Ok fine, but only because I can tell my sisters to back off. They won’t shut up about doing something. Are you prepared for the number of people I’m ambivalent about that need to attend this bloody thing for family reasons?”
“It can’t be that bad.”
“Twenty-seven.”
“Well, fuck.”
She nods, her expression sober but with a hint of a smile. “And you’ll have to throw it in less than four months. Do you accept the challenge?”
“You know what? Yes, I bloody do. Because you’d do the same for me, even if you think you wouldn’t.”
“Sure. But I wouldn’t inflict dick straws on you.”
“Sara, dearest, the dick straws are just the start. I heard you can get dick-shaped jelly shots.”
“I’m not doing those,” she says with certainty.
“We’ll see. I know the effects tequila has on your inhibitions.”
She’s about to reply when there’s a loud knocking at the door. We all freeze before turning in that direction. I can see from the windows surrounding it that it’s now completely dark outside.
Freddie is the first to move, striding bravely towards the knocking.
Sam gasps dramatically from the kitchen. “Oh fuck!” he says. “I know what I forgot!”
Freddie swings the door open, and I feel the chill from across the room. It’s practically Baltic outside. There’s a man in the doorway; he collapses to his knees, his lips blue.