Chapter 18
EIGHTEEN
LONDON
The Reactions
Three days later was Ray’s first day back from his holidays, and he called Vic into his office. She sat opposite him with a coffee and a sad face. Thankfully Penny wasn’t in, so Vic didn’t have her inquistive eyes burying into the back of her through the glass wall. Her long-standing boss shut the file that he had been fingering on his desk and leant forward with his hands clasped in front of him.
‘I was going to say happy New Year, but with your face looking like a smacked arse and those sad red eyes, I don’t think I dare. Do you want to talk about it?’
Vic sighed heavily. ‘I’ve had a terrible few weeks.’ Her bottom lip wobbled.
Ray took a sip of coffee. ‘I guessed that,’ he replied gently. ‘It’s not like you to have any time off work, so when you said you had an emergency to deal with before Christmas, I knew it was serious.’
‘Mum’s not good. She’s drinking far too much and she had a fall.’ Vic closed her eyes and took another breath to centre herself.
‘Oh no, I’m sorry to hear that. Is she OK now?’
‘She clearly bounced.’ Vic managed a smile. ‘Bit of a bruised face and that was it.’ Ray remained silent. Vic took a big drink from her Glovers-branded mug. ‘Nate and I have split up.’
‘As in split, “we’re on a break” like Ross and Rachel?’ He used his fingers to make fake inverted commas. ‘Or as in, split “it’s big shit and we are really over this time”?’
‘It’s big shit, Ray.’ Vic sighed heavily. ‘He’s moving up to the Lake District at the weekend.’
‘Wow. That does sound pretty final. How are you feeling?’
‘How do you think I’m feeling?’ Vic spat.
‘Stupid question alert. Sorry.’ Ray leant over and squeezed one of her hands.
‘No, I’m sorry for snapping. We both cheated, Ray, so we weren’t happy. I know that.’
‘Whoa, OK. Newsflash!’
‘Yes, yes, I kept it all in. I wasn’t being the best of partners, but I still cared.’ Her voice had gone to a whisper. ‘I just didn’t know where the relationship was going. We didn’t communicate. I got stressed and then didn’t fancy sex and that’s why it happened.’ She shook her shoulders as if to pull herself together and made a funny whining noise.
‘I think you should stop beating yourself up, Vic. He made the choice to cheat. And you have no God-given duty to have sex with anyone, even your partner, if you don’t want to.’
‘I guess not,’ Vic whimpered.
‘I know not,’ Ray confirmed.
Vic’s face screwed up into an ugly ball of hurt and pain. ‘Everything is such a mess, a fucking mess.’ Suddenly, it was like a dam had burst, and rivers of anguish began to flood out in a gush of uncontrollable sobbing.
Ray went off to the loo, came back with a toilet roll and handed it to her. He awkwardly went to hug her from behind and then danced back again before he reached her, but when he decided to go for it again, she pushed him away, mortified. Through her sobs, she said, ‘This is so unprofessional. I’m sorry.’ She blew her nose loudly, calmed down a bit and her breathing began to hitch.
‘If I’d employed you for your professionalism, you’d have been lucky to have made a year, not ten.’ Ray sat back in front of her and peered at her, evidently keen to see what reaction this attempt at humour would get.
‘I can see why you want to just employ men.’ Vic sniffed loudly and managed a weak smile through her now ebbing tears. ‘I’m an emotional wreck.’
‘You know I’m joking with you. You’re such an asset to this company, Victoria, but I also class you as a friend. And I’m glad you can be this open with me.’
This was it: the time felt suddenly right. She didn’t know how, or why. It just was.
‘Ray.’ She blew out a noisy exaggerated breath and began to babble. ‘I have something else to tell you, and I totally understand that it may change the way you view me, but I feel it’s only fair that I tell you, as we work so closely together, and I may need to take a bit more time out for appointments, et cetera.’
Ray looked at her flat tummy. ‘Vic, if you’re pregnant, I’m not that much of an ogre, really. I mean, Penny’s got two and she’s still here.’ Then his brow furrowed. ‘No wonder you’re upset with Nate going off.’
Vic shook her head. ‘Not pregnant, sadly.’
‘Oh my God, you’re ill, aren’t you?’ His voice wobbled slightly.
Vic inhaled deeply. It was now or never. ‘I’m HIV-positive, Ray.’ She looked up at the ceiling and sighed. ‘I’ve got HIV. ’
Ray looked her right in the eye. ‘OK. That’s OK. How long have you known?’ His voice remained level.
‘The week before Christmas. I just couldn’t face coming in.’
‘Of course you couldn’t. And Nate?’
‘He’s tested negative.’
‘OK.’ Ray nodded slowly. ‘So, what happened with you?’
‘I had a one-night stand in Brighton. We used a condom, but it split. What are the chances, eh? That’ll teach me for me being unfaithful.’
‘You poor girl. And Nate can’t deal with it, I guess?’
‘No. He’s scared and angry. And rightly not wanting to be with me because if I were to be with him, it would be fear-based on my side and I think he knows that now.’
‘So tough, Vic. So tough. I’m sorry.’ Ray lifted his bin for Vic to put her pile of tear-sodden tissues in and sat back at his desk.
‘You can’t catch it from mucus or saliva,’ Vic said weakly.
‘I know that,’ Ray replied wisely. ‘I have a friend; he’s positive too. He’s been on the drug therapy for a year now and is living a normal life. It’s never such a shock for us gay boys. We’ve lived with it around us for a long time.’ He reached to squeeze her hand.
Vic felt her sadness lift, just a little. ‘I guess not. I’m just learning about it all. Your friend feels OK on the drugs, then?’
‘There were side-effects when he started, I believe, but he has a great doctor who seems to be on top of everything for him. It really isn’t the death sentence it used to be, Victoria.’
‘The clinic told me that 2005 had seen a large increase in the diagnosis of heterosexual men and women, so at least I’ll make it to the Office of National Statistics, if nothing else.’
‘Yes. Trust you to have made the grade.’ Ray smiled sadly. ‘Have you told anybody other than Nate?’
‘Danny – he’s the guy I slept with in Brighton – knows, of course, but none of my family or friends yet.’
‘I take it this Danny didn’t know he had it? ’
‘God, no. He’s a decent bloke. He’s absolutely mortified. In fact, he suggested we be together to make our lives easier, but that wouldn’t work, either. He will be a great mate. I know that for sure.’
‘And you’re going need a few of those.’ Ray put his hand on top of hers and squeezed it.
‘That’s what the guy at Terrence Higgins said to me.’ Vic felt tears stinging her eyes. ‘It’s a whole different world I know nothing about.’
‘And a world where research and improvements in medicine are happening all the time, and seemingly very fast,’ Ray said gently.
‘Thank you, Ray, for being so realistic about it all.’
‘I feel very privileged you’ve told me,’ Ray said quietly, standing up and leaning against his filing cabinet. ‘You’re an incredible artist and designer, Vic, you really are, and I will do anything I can to support you.’
‘I just thought that…’ Vic stuttered.
‘You thought what? It’s the lack of education around it that causes the stigma. You’re no different to me, Vic, from last week to this. It’s really all right. OK?’
Vic felt tears brimming in her eyes once more. ‘Does Penny have to know?’
‘ Nobody has to know, Vic, and please, no more tears. You’d’ve thought you’d used up your ration for the month with that last outburst.’
Vic gave a watery smile, then Ray became serious.
‘I wanted to talk to you about something, and it actually seems like the right time.’
‘Oh, God, that sounds ominous.’ Vic grimaced.
‘No, far from it. I know I’m lucky to have you. I see your talent, but also know you well enough to see that you get frustrated sometimes.’ He laughed. ‘That face when another cereal packet brief comes in! I’m thankful I haven’t been knocked out by a flying box of Krispy Wheats.’
Vic managed to laugh too. ‘I do love it here, Ray, you know that, and I love you. I just hoped maybe I’d do more with my art outside of this, I guess. And being very honest, I could have done, but life got in the way, and I’ve been fundamentally lazy, too.’
Ray nodded. ‘We do what we do, but with all this going on I just want to make sure you are doing whatever makes you happy, and I would never stop you following whatever that path may be. You could set up an exhibition, or offer your work for sale online, even.’
‘Nate said that, too. About never stopping me.’ Vic bit her lip. ‘So, I guess that only points to one person who does stop me, then.’ She reached for a tissue in her bag and blew her nose.
‘Look, Vic. You’ve had a terrible shock. And I guess with Nate going… well, you may have stuff to sort at home. Why don’t you take some time out, call it a little holiday… get yourself back on track?’
‘Yes, I do have decisions to make. I can just about afford the flat without Nate’s contribution, or maybe I’ll just move out and get a smaller place. The least of my worries at the moment, to be honest. You’re such a diamond, Ray. If you’re sure, that would help me out so much.’ Vic stood up and smoothed down her dress. ‘I’ll probably just need a couple of weeks, is that all right?’
‘Take as long as you need. Have a think about what you want to do, and let me know what you decide.’ He smiled. ‘But I know what I want to do before you trot off.’
‘Go on,’ Vic urged.
‘How about we go for a nice long lunch at Ricardo’s and put the world to rights over a glass of something cheeky. ’
Vic could see Ray typing frantically at his computer as she sat back at her desk. He didn’t look up once. Then she saw an email arrive in her inbox.
Dear Victoria,
I meant for you to receive this before Christmas, but I forgot to press send. On top of your Christmas bonus of one thousand pounds, I’d like to offer you a pay rise of five thousand pounds a year, backdated from December. Your work last year was exemplary, and Jerico Flint assures me he is going to write a series based on your amazing illustrations, so that will cover it!
Cover it! Ha, ha. Get it?
Best regards
Ray Glover
Managing Director
Feeling warm and fuzzy inside, Vic looked directly at Ray through the glass of his office. He sensed her gaze and looked up. Blowing him a kiss, she mouthed ‘thank you’ and in return received her boss’s beaming smile and a shrug.
Whether or not Ray Glover had intended her getting this pay rise before Christmas – or at all – didn’t matter. Because what did matter was that her boss was an angel in human form, and telling him about her situation had suddenly made her feel a whole lot lighter again.
Full of the most delicious lasagne, tiramisu, and a couple of glasses of wine, Vic returned to Orla’s garden flat, feeling incredibly sad about the loss of her six-year relationship with Nate but, amazingly, with the thoughts of HIV banished to the back of her mind. Then she noticed that the dustbin out the front was packed so full that the lid wasn’t able to shut. She went towards it and was confused to recognise the pattern of her duvet cover, which was still on the duvet that had been clumsily stuffed in there. To the side, in a black bag, were two pillows, again from her bed.
On entering the flat, she could hear loud music coming from her bedroom. Wondering what was going on, she walked in to find Orla wearing a mask and rubber gloves, scrubbing the mattress of her double bed. A bowl of water cloudy with a strong-smelling disinfectant was on the floor. On catching Vic out of the corner of her eye, Orla screamed loudly and dropped the scrubbing brush to the floor. Vic bent down and handed it back to her. Then turning off the bedside radio, said calmly, ‘I didn’t think you were home from your event until tomorrow.’
Orla continued to look startled. ‘I got an earlier flight. I’m er… just cleaning your room before Aletta comes back. You know. Umm. And she’s coming back earlier, too, so I’m… er… just getting her room ready and I umm… was going to talk to you when you got in tonight, as I need you to go back to your old flat tonight – and you’re early, too.’
‘Looks like we’re all early, doesn’t it?’ Vic took a deep breath to slow the anger that was rising up within her. She stormed down the corridor to the bathroom, used the loo and was just washing her hands when she noticed that her toothbrush had been taken out of the pot that she and her friend had shared for the past few weeks and placed on the side of the sink.
Orla was in the kitchen, kettle on, two mugs out, when Vic walked in. ‘You had that flu and you said yourself you’d soaked through everything so would probably buy new sheets, so I’m saving you a job,’ Orla gabbled.
‘I think chucking out the duvet and pillows is a bit extreme, though, isn’t it? ’
Vic noticed her friend now had tears running down her face. ‘I’m so sorry, Vic.’
Vic felt her heart drop. ‘You know, don’t you?’ Orla’s face twitched. ‘Did Nate tell you?’
‘No. I overheard you the night before I flew to Düsseldorf.’ Orla continued to gabble. ‘I didn’t know what to say or do. I’ve felt sick since I’ve been gone. Oh Vic, you poor thing.’
‘I don’t want your sympathy, Orla, just your fucking support. I haven’t got leprosy. I’ve got a virus, that is inside of me and unless you want to start sharing bodily fluids or shoot up some heroin together, then you’re going to be fine. OK?’
‘Vic, I’m so sorry. I just didn’t know what to do… or… say.’
‘So, you thought, I’ll leave my mate to deal with this whilst I’m away. I’m sure she’ll be all right. I mean, she’s only got HIV .’
‘That’s unkind, Vic. It wasn’t like that. I had to work. I… er… Please just try and understand from my point of view. I didn’t know how to react. You hadn’t even told me properly.’
Vic’s anger took over. ‘And how do you think I felt when I saw you’d chucked out the duvet and the pillows without a word?! And I hope you don’t expect me to replace it all.’
‘No, no. I have bought new. And I’ll get you another cover.’ Orla put the two identical mugs of steaming tea down on the breakfast bar. ‘I don’t want you to buy anything.’
Vic took a sip of tea as Orla returned with the sugar bowl, and hesitated. The mugs were sitting parallel in front of them. ‘Which one did you just drink out of?’
‘That’s enough; that really is enough!’ Vic growled. ‘Any fool knows you can’t catch it from saliva. If you don’t want to be alongside me on this journey – ’cos it’s gonna be a long, hard one – then I’m no longer calling you my friend.’ She grabbed her handbag.
‘Vic, you’re being sensitive and overreacting. Talk to me, help me understand. ’
‘I don’t want to. I just want to be on my own.’ Vic headed for the door, then turned back. ‘I guess you’ve told Mandy?’
‘Umm… yes, but she won’t say anything. I needed someone to support me.’
Vic was almost speechless. ‘You needed support? You did? For fuck’s sake, Orla. And now she’ll tell Steve, and soon everyone we know will know.’
Vic’s anger was compounded by a surge of sadness on realising that Mandy, her oldest friend, had known all this time and hadn’t reached out to her either.
Orla looked perplexed. ‘Vic, what’s going on? Of course she won’t. We’re your friends. Stop this.’
‘Friends? Friends support each other, Orla.’ Vic’s voice tailed off.
Short of words, Orla turned to practicality. ‘What about your clothes and stuff? Do you need them now?’
‘Just chuck them in the landfill too. That’s fine. I hear a lot of people catch it off buttons. Oh, and you better burn my toothbrush, whilst you’re at it, and God forbid if I’ve used your hairbrush by mistake, too!’
‘Vic! Stop! I can be there for you. We will help you.’ Orla put her arm on her friend’s. ‘We love you.’
‘I don’t need your help. Here! Educate yourself .’ Vic reached inside her bag and threw a stray leaflet at her mate. ‘And yes, call me bitter, because with the amount of men you sleep with, you’re damned lucky this is happening to me and not you. Keep shagging strangers, Orla O’Malley – because it’s clearly not making you happy. Or short of that, grow up and get into the real world.’
Dragging her case up the Wandsworth flat steps, Vic let herself in and turned on the kitchen light. With a heavy heart, she immediately noticed that the multi-coloured rug Nate had insisted on buying at Athens airport when they last went away was no longer on the floor. She ran to the bedroom and flung open the wardrobe. All Nate’s clothes were gone too. He’d said he wasn’t leaving until the weekend, hadn’t he? She ran back to the kitchen to see if he had placed any kind of note on the cork board where they had always left messages for one another. And there it was, on a yellow Post-it, scribbled in black marker pen.
Sharpie, you know I’m rubbish at goodbyes, so let’s just say, see you when we’re older. I’m so sorry.
Your Nate X
With a high-pitched scream, Vic ripped the cork board off the wall, threw it to the floor and began to sob.