Chapter 17

SEVENTEEN

LONDON

The Confrontation

9 January 2006

Victoria’s first week back at work after the Christmas break went by in a complete blur. It seemed like months since she had received her diagnosis, not just a couple of weeks. Ray was having his usual extended new year break and Penny was more interested in arranging after-school clubs and wine soirées with friends than in chatting to Vic. So it was an ideal time for Vic to get her head down and catch up on the smaller jobs that she had missed before her unplanned time off.

She had emailed Jerico to thank him for his wonderful gift and had got the reply of an out-of-office message stating, Writer at work, I will reply when I reach a suitable climax , which had made her laugh but also feel a little sad. If she were to tell him about her positive status it would change everything. She would miss the easy flow of conversation that she had got used to with him. But this was the thing: how would people react? And should she tell them at all? If she wasn’t having sex with them, then surely she didn’t need to. It was so awkward and weird, because if she had any other illness then she would probably tell everyone and there would be an element of pity or sadness. But from what she knew from constantly reading up on the subject and how people dealt with it, it would be a rollercoaster of a conversation. Would they or wouldn’t they accept her for having the virus? Because that’s all it was: a virus. A virus that could be treated. The flu was a virus, and the flu could kill too. But nobody gave a damn about that. The bigoted hangover from the eighties had a lot to answer for. Maybe it would just be a case of knowing when the time was right to tell someone, and it would just happen naturally.

Danny had checked in with her every other day either by text or a quick phone call, which was comforting to know – that someone was there and supporting her. But this comfort was marred by the fact that despite her leaving several messages on Nate’s mobile, she had still not heard from him, and she was beginning to get really worried now. She was not only worried, but also angry that he knew what she must be going through, and he hadn’t even bothered to check in with her. It was eating her up inside that she may have given him the virus and again, selfishly, as much as part of her would have preferred it to be him rather than Danny with whom she had to share this HIV journey, she wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

The weekend came and she had even gone to their flat on the Saturday to see if she could speak to him, but it was clear that Nate hadn’t been staying there, as nothing had moved since he had stormed out the day she had told him the awful news. His work had told her that he would be back on the ninth. Which was why now, at ten fifteen on a Monday evening, she was sitting in the kitchen of the Wandsworth flat she had once shared with her boyfriend, with a cup of coffee in hand, waiting for him to come home.

At eleven o’clock, she was just about to give up and go back to Orla’s when her friend called her, sounding full of anguish. ‘Vic, you gotta come back. Nate is here. He’s drunk and talking complete gibberish.’

Vic pushed open the kitchen door of Orla’s place to find Nate slumped on the breakfast bar. Orla was drying up some mugs and putting them away.

‘He’s all yours,’ the feisty Irishwoman snapped. ‘I’ve got to be up at fecking five a.m., as I’m flying to Düsseldorf for my big event, and there was no way I could leave him like this. He’s been crying and saying all sorts of weird shit about worrying about you dying. I couldn’t get an ounce of sense from him.’

‘I’m so sorry, mate.’ Vic hurriedly took off her coat as Orla stropped off to her room.

‘Vic. Is that you?’ Nate remained head down on the counter.

‘You know it is, Nate. Are you all right?’

He slowly lifted his head and looked at her. ‘Of course I’m not.’

Vic was too frightened to ask if he’d been for a test, but she had no need to worry, as alcohol was working its lip-loosening magic. ‘I’m not all right, because you’re not all right. I’ve had a couple of tests. The second came back negative today. I wanted to be sure before I saw you.’

Vic felt a complete sense of solace at the news. ‘That’s such a relief.’ She went to kiss his cheek.

Nate put his hand up and recoiled. ‘Sorry, I can’t.’

Feeling physically sick at his reaction, Vic turned to put the kettle on. ‘I’m making you a black coffee to sober you up, and then we can talk. Where have you been, anyway?’

‘I’ve been downing shots of vodka during my shift.’

‘I mean, where have you been for the past two weeks? I’ve been worried sick. ’

Nate sat up properly on the high stool and brushed his hands through his unkempt mop.

For fear of him spilling the scalding coffee given the state he was in, Vic put some cold water in the mug before she handed it over. ‘You need a haircut.’

He drank the tepid drink down in one.

‘Not been on the top of my list, surprisingly.’ Nate burped loudly.

‘Oh, and you look brown?’ She moved closer. ‘You’ve got a suntan?’

‘I joined Dad and Melissa in Gran Canaria. I just had to get away. I got a test before I went. And despite your message letting me know Brighton boy had given it to you, just waiting for that result has been crucifying me. I can’t even tell you how stressed I’ve felt since you told me. I don’t understand, though, Vic. You said you’d used protection. Are you sure you’re positive – like, really sure?’

Vic nodded slowly. ‘I’m afraid so.’

Nate burst into tears. She rushed to comfort him but again he pushed her away.

‘Please let me in, Nate.’

‘I just can’t, Vic, I just can’t. I’m so angry with you. I know I cheated, but fuck me. I can’t cope with this. HIV – it’s huge and I… I’ve been thinking so much about everything, about us, about what all this means and… and I’m sorry, so, so sorry, Vic, but I don’t think I can be with you.’

‘What do you mean, you can’t be with me?’ Vic had a level of panic in her voice she didn’t even recognise. Tears began to roll down both of their faces.

‘Vic, be honest. I know you so well that I’m not even sure you want to be with me anymore anyway.’

Vic squirmed.

‘And how can we possibly ever lead a normal life now? If you did decide you wanted kids, then there would be so much to think about.’

‘I don’t care about that now,’ Vic cried. ‘In fact, that’s the least of my bloody worries.’

‘And I can’t bear to see you suffer either.’ Nate’s face was pained.

‘Nate, the treatments are so much better than they were. You are being short-sighted. Who knows what’s going to happen to anyone? You could get run over by a bus tomorrow. I need you.’ As she said it, she realised it was true.

‘You could have fucking killed me!’ he suddenly shouted.

‘Ssh, you’ll wake Orla.’ Vic reached for some kitchen roll and blew her nose loudly. ‘You’re being fucking ridiculous now. And of course I didn’t know I had it when we had sex. Who do you think I am, Nate? And we could make this work. I don’t even have to start taking the drugs for ages. I may have got this virus inside me, but I’m not any different. I’m still me. I’m still the same old Vic. Nothing changes. We just have to have sex using a condom. That’s all.’

Nate’s voice dropped to a whisper. ‘I’d be too frightened.’ He reached for his coat. ‘I’m so sorry, Vic.’

‘Nate, don’t do this, please. We can learn about it together.’ Vic felt like she could hardly breathe.

‘I’m going to go back to the flat.’ Nate patted his jeans pocket to check for his keys.

‘I’ll come with you.’ There was desperation in Victoria’s voice.

‘No. This is hard enough as it is.’ Nate went to use the toilet and came back. ‘And be honest, Vic. You haven’t been happy for ages, have you? And whilst the honesty box is out, I never felt good enough for you, ever!’ He shouted the last word.

Vic felt a pain of sadness shear through her.

‘Oh, Nate. I had no clue.’

Nate carried on his drunken tirade. ‘And I want to be somebody’s choice because they see the value I bring to their life, not a default option because of some stupid fucking virus.’

Vic dropped her head. ‘OK, yes. Maybe I felt like I wasn’t living life the way I wanted to with you. But I still cared. I still loved you.’

‘Loved? You still loved me? And there I rest my case.’ Nate shook his head. His voice softened. ‘Because, rightly or wrongly, you clearly don’t love me anymore, Vic. And that’s OK. It is what it is.’

Vic welled up again, then said softly, ‘But I need you, Nate. Please don’t leave me. I need you more now than I ever have. I can’t do this on my own.’

Nate started to cry again. ‘I can’t.’ Tears rolled slowly down his face. ‘Call me a coward, call me what you will, but I’m not staying with someone who is just with me out of fear of being alone. I want someone who stays because they can’t imagine life without me.’ He faltered. ‘And call me weak, but the only reason I cheated on you was because your signals were so mixed and I needed to feel wanted, Vic. I have needs, too, you know.’

Vic let out a massive sob and blubbered, ‘I know you do. I can’t imagine life without you. Especially now.’

The graveness of the situation and the black coffee had brought Nate to his sober senses. ‘You can’t imagine life without me now, Vic. Now that you think nobody else will want you, you mean.’ He reached for his phone and rang a taxi. ‘Five minutes. I’m gonna wait outside.’ He walked towards the door and turned around. ‘But you mustn’t think like that. You have a beautiful soul, Vic.’ He managed to gulp back his emotion as he turned the catch. ‘And scared or not scared of catching this wretched virus, I can’t just stay with someone who doesn’t love me because I feel sorry for them, either.’

‘I need to move back to our flat this weekend,’ Vic blurted, then added, ‘Aletta is coming back here. We can talk more then. Please, Nate. I can’t do this without you. ’

Nate took a deep breath and shook his head. ‘Let me know how much I owe you, because I’ll be gone on Sunday.’

‘What do you mean, gone?’ Vic screwed her face up in anguish.

‘I’m going back up to the Lake District. Someone Dad knows is looking for a live-in chef/handyman. It’s beautiful grounds and I get a cottage to live in included with the job. I grew up in the area. I love it up there, Vic, and it will make this easier for both of us.’

‘You never said anything about still loving it up there.’

‘You never asked me.’

‘For fuck’s sake.’ Vic shook her head.

The cab tooted outside.

‘I’m doing it, Vic. Give me a bit of time and maybe we can be friends – just not right now, OK?’ His voice went to a whisper. ‘I’m so sorry.’ His voice rasped into a sob.

Vic quietly shut the door behind him and slid down it to the floor. Drawing her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them, she sank deep in thought. Nate was right: he did know her so well. She was clinging on to what she knew, because she was so scared of the unknown. Before her HIV diagnosis, time away from him had made her realise that she needed to step up and out of the relationship. To find her way with her art and realise what exactly it was that would make her happy. And as much as she did still have feelings for him, they had been drifting for a while – she had been drifting for a while – and as much as Nate said he felt like a coward for walking away, she appreciated that it had also taken a hell of a lot of guts to make that decision. Of course, he had every right to be angry, every right to be afraid. And, HIV or no HIV, he had every right to leave her.

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