Chapter 33
THIRTY-THREE
LAKE DISTRICT
The Goodbye
Victoria had a thing for buffet cars on trains – found it the next-best thing to airline food, which she had always loved, too. She would always finish every scrap of whatever meal was served to her, and was even partial to the small packets of plastic cheese and the fake cream on puddings. Nate would, of course, critique and criticise everything but ended up eating it anyway.
As it was mid-morning, she had decided on a flapjack and a cup of tea for starters. Turning on her iPod and playing Pink’s ‘I’m Not Dead’ through her headphones, she moved her legs as far over from the teenage girl in the window seat next to her as she could. And as the train flew out of Euston Station away from London, she felt immediately soothed by the sight of fields and countryside flashing by.
As the journey progressed, the lyrics of the song began to resonate. Pink sang that she wasn’t scared anymore – that she was just changing – and that was so true of Victoria now. The eight months since diagnosis had allowed her to educate herself fully and realise that if she did everything she was told, she wasn’t looking at a death sentence. Dr Anna at the hospital was not only a complete expert in her field whom Vic trusted literally with her life, but she had also kept everything real, allaying Vic’s fears, making her realise that life was worth living and that she could live a long life. The minute she did need to go on the required drug programme, the doctor had also assured her that she would support her all the way through that, too.
Vic had already cut down on her drinking, plus ensured that she got regular exercise now. Through the summer this had consisted of walking or running along the Brighton seafront, and just being in that natural environment had invigorated her. Bizarrely, she felt healthier than she ever had before. She also now had a mum who was present, a more settled brother, a half-sister, was going to be an auntie, and had the type of father she had always dreamt of, not to mention two of the best best friends a girl could ever have. All of which enabled her to feel mentally well and able to face the world, knowing that there was a whole bundle of love behind her. Not that it wasn’t there before – she had just been too mentally cluttered to see it.
Meeting Danny had also opened up her life to the dreams she wanted to follow. And being able to work flexibly for Ray was all she had needed to allow her creativity to shine for itself – and for herself, too. Being separated from a long-term relationship had also allowed her time to think and just be.
Although she loved being in a relationship, not being needed had been quite refreshing, too. Getting up at whatever time she wanted, eating when she wanted, even going to bed when she wanted, and essentially being in control of her every move without considering someone else, had been completely liberating.
However, love was love, and even if you tried to hide from it, it was always there. It would stay and fight. Just like Nate had done.
He had seemed so sincere when he had come to see her in Windsor, and his communication since had been solid. But the stronger she was getting in her head post-diagnosis, the more she was beginning to think that maybe she shouldn’t just be with someone through fear. That would be settling – and Victoria Sharpe wasn’t a woman for settling!
Her kiss with Jerico had been a while ago now, but it had shaken her to her core. Granted, she hadn’t known the man long, but his actions had been pretty amazing too. The Vettriano book had made her feel like he did know her. But she actually knew a lot more about him than he knew about her, now. He had loved his parents and had a sister. He lived in Bray and wrote amusing books about a detective called Mr Pigeons. He had also loved his now-dead dog, Fat Frank. She shook her head to try and stop her ridiculous overthinking, but her butterfly mind was in full flight.
Ray’s mum’s wise words – don’t settle for the one you can live with, wait for the one you can’t live without – finally resonated with her. She also thought back to Ray’s simple question about whether Jerico made her laugh. She smiled to herself at just the thought of him. She certainly felt alive with that man. He kept her on her toes with his wit and wisdom. At forty, he was older than Nate, too, and she had enjoyed that new level of maturity.
But most importantly, Jerico Flint looked at her with diamonds in his eyes, without a glimmer of zirconium in sight.
Vic began to echo Pink’s poignant chorus aloud, not caring who in the busy carriage heard.
As the taxi made its way from the station to Nate’s new abode, she reached inside her purse and pulled out a strip of passport-type photos of them both, which they had had taken the week they first met. Cheekily poking tongues out in the way new lovers do, kissing, canoodling and basically having fun. She had looked so carefree then. He, so handsome. She remembered they’d spent a day in London wandering along the Embankment, drinking and chatting and laughing, experiencing the joy of those first heady days of meeting someone new. Someone you knew was going to be in your life for more than a moment.
She hadn’t had the heart to take it out after it had been there in her purse for so many years. But looking at it now, all she could feel was sadness.
The taxi driver was super-friendly and chatted away to her as they wound their way through the narrow roads with their backdrop of craggy mountain tops and rolling green hills. But quaint stone cottages and sheep grazing peacefully didn’t make Vic feel in any way relaxed.
A long field-lined drive eventually led to a rose-covered cottage with a bright blue front door and a delighted-looking Nate running towards her. Vic felt pained, as she could see that he was beaming with happiness.
‘Sharpie!’ he shouted as she opened the car door. Then, after paying the taxi driver, he got her weekend case out of the boot.
As they reached the front door, Nate put the case down, threw his long arms around her and held her tight. ‘God, I’ve missed you so much, lovely one. It’s so good to see you. Come on, let’s get you inside.’ He laughed and led her by the hand.
‘This place is beautiful. It’s like a cottage I’ve dreamt about owning. All that’s missing is a white picket fence and chickens running around.’ Vic’s enthusiasm belied her feelings of dread.
‘I told you – I really have lucked out here.’ It was the first time that Vic had ever seen Nate proud. The kitchen was rustic and not as small as she had imagined it might be from the outside. He flicked on the kettle. ‘Coffee? Tea? Me?’ He laughed.
‘Tea, please.’ Vic tried frantically to form the words in her mind that would make sense, that would cause the least hurt. But just as it had done so many times before, procrastination had suddenly become her middle name, and she allowed Nate to run with his excitement.
‘The main man, my boss, is away for the whole week, so I’ve got today and the whole weekend to myself. I’ve got so much planned – or we can just stay and chill out here. Up to you. There’s an amazing pool house up at the main house that we can use. There’s also a croquet lawn, which could be fun.’
‘You playing croquet?’ Vic laughed. ‘You’ve changed. Anyway, I want to see this place; give me a show round.’ She jumped up and ran first into a cosy lounge, with a large flatscreen TV, dusky-pink corner sofa and a coffee table carved into an elephant shape. A standard lamp with a carved monkey on its pole stood in the corner and expensive abstract art graced the walls.
‘Wow, those paintings.’ Vic was open-mouthed.
‘I knew you’d love those. Sir James – that’s the guy who owns this place – he’s travelled extensively. You should see the main house. It’s out of this world.’
‘A “Sir”, no less – listen to you!’
Nate gave her one of the lopsided smiles that used to make her feel funny inside, but now knowing what she was about to say to him, all she could feel was a growing panic. He took her by the hand and led her to a closed door. He put his right hand over her eyes, and with a loud ‘Ta da,’ pushed open the door with his left and dropped his hand from her face.
‘Oh, Nate, I can’t believe it!’ Vic felt like she might be sick as she took in the easel and a table that he had just placed a pot of paint and a brush on. Light streamed in from two large skylights.
‘A little studio for you,’ Nate announced proudly. ‘If you want to be here, that is,’ he added quietly. ‘I didn’t buy much because I don’t know what you use and stuff…’
‘It’s perfect.’ Vic’s voice cracked. ‘ Thank you.’
‘Now I’m in your good books, quick, let me show you where the action takes place… I mean, will take place.’
Vic slowly began following him up the narrow staircase. She stopped on the second step, took the deepest of breaths, then said in a voice that even she didn’t recognise as her own, ‘Nate, stop. I can’t do this. We need to talk.’
They sat across the kitchen table with cups of tea in hand. Nate looked grey. ‘You don’t want to come here, do you?’
Vic said nothing.
‘If I have to, I will move back to London. We’ll make it work.’ Nate held panic in his voice.
Vic shook her head. ‘Nate, I’m so sorry, it’s got nothing to do with moving up here. I don’t want to be with you anymore.’ Her voice began to crack. ‘It is over between us.’
‘I’ve fucked up so many times, I know I have. I’m so sorry, Vic, that I wasn’t there in your hour of need. I keep reliving how bloody selfish I was.’
‘Like I said before, you were scared. I get it. We’ve both made mistakes.’ Vic took a drink of tea. ‘My time apart from you has made me realise I don’t want to be with someone I don’t love enough, either. You were so adamant about that before, yourself.’
Nate nodded. ‘That’s fair, but I had time to think and miss you and I figured even if you were only giving me eighty per cent of you, it would be more than most other women I have ever met. You are an incredible woman, Vic. Your energy is infectious.’
Vic felt tears pricking her eyes. ‘Oh, Nate. I’ve been so unfair to you. Keeping you hanging on, because I was too much of a coward to go out in the big wide world with my diagnosis. And, well, when you said you wanted me back, it was a way out of having to worry about that anymore. A compromise. So I didn’t have to face the future or have to tell anyone what was wrong with me. I’m so sorry.’
‘So, what’s changed, then?’
‘I’m not scared anymore, Nate. I can do this with HIV, and people will need to love me for who I am.’ The words flew out of her mouth from somewhere without thought, so maybe she did actually mean them.
Nate banged his hand on the pine kitchen table and whispered, ‘Hallelujah. Halle-bloody-lujah.’ Tears began to fall down his face. ‘You are beautiful inside and out, Victoria Sharpe. I have been blue in the face trying to get you to realise this, but until you feel it yourself then you never will feel it. And if getting HIV has led you to this place, then bloody hell. If I never see you again, then that’s OK because, hopefully, now, despite everything, you realise what’s important. Because you are important, Vic.’
Vic was crying now too. She had to be honest. ‘I’m so sorry, Nate, but I’ve met someone else. We haven’t slept together or anything like that, but… I like him.’
Nate put his hand on top of hers. ‘It’s OK.’ Tears were still streaming down his face. ‘With all you’ve been through, I just want you to be happy. Will he look after you?’
Vic shrugged. ‘I haven’t told him about my HIV yet so I don’t even know if he will want a relationship once he knows.’
‘Well, if he needs a reference…’ Nate managed one of his lopsided grins, then got up and splashed cold water from the kitchen tap on his face. ‘Maybe our relationship had run its course anyway.’ He sighed, as he stood leaning against the sink. ‘What is it they say? The seven-year itch? We just had ours a year early. Come here, you.’
Nate held out his hand and pulled Vic up out of her chair. Without resistance, she snuggled into his chest as he held her tightly in the way that she loved.
‘We had a blast at the start.’ Nate sniffed.
Vic nodded her head up and down against his chest, then pulled away and sat back down. ‘We had a blast for many years, Nate.’ She sighed deeply. ‘Will you stay here, do you think?’
‘Yes, for the time being.’
‘I can see why. It’s right up your street, with so many outdoor pursuits on your doorstep.’
‘Yes, and now I know that you’re not coming, I’ll make more of an effort to go out.’ Nate smirked. ‘And Sir James does have a pretty hot daughter.’
‘You’re incorrigible.’ Vic managed a smile. ‘Maybe find one who doesn’t mind climbing mountains, this time, eh?’ Her voice lifted.
Nate grinned. ‘How’s the painting going?’
‘I’ve found my calling. I feel so much freer and I really am enjoying it again now.’
Nate beamed. ‘That’s amazing.’
‘And Mum has been sober for months!’
‘No way! Go, Kath!’
‘And Jake is really my dad, and Joti next door to Mum – you know, the Sri Lankan lady I mentioned – well, she’s my half-sister.’
Nate laughed aloud. ‘Now you’re shitting me.’
‘I’m really not.’
‘What the fuck!’
‘Tell me about it.’
They were silent for what seemed like an age. Then Vic stood up and reached for her handbag on the kitchen side. ‘I’m going to go now, Nate.’
His face fell. ‘But you’ve only just got here. Stay for the weekend – for old times’ sake.’
‘No, Nate. I need to get home.’
‘Can we stay in touch, then, please? You know how much I hate goodbyes. ’
‘Let’s just see where life takes us, OK?’ Vic, proud of her own strength, sighed deeply.
Nate nodded. ‘You know I only wish the best for you.’ His voice cracked and he looked away.
‘And me, you.’ Vic wobbled. ‘I need to sort my face. Can you ring me a taxi please?’
Vic went up to the bathroom, used the loo and wiped the black mascara streaks from her face. The taxi was already waiting for her when she came downstairs. Without words, Nate held out his arms out to her and hugged her again, tightly. As she walked towards the taxi, case in hand, she turned around.
‘See you when you’re older, Nathaniel Carlisle.’