Chapter 34
THIRTY-FOUR
SLOUGH
The Drop-in Centre
A few days later, Vic, fresh out of the shower, balanced her mobile against her ear as she looked for a suitable top to put on with her jeans. She could hear her mum laughing downstairs at something on the kitchen radio.
‘Mand, it’s me. Not a bad time with feeds, is it?’
‘No, he’s a great sleeper – just like his father. Just got myself a cuppa so it’s perfect timing. You OK?’
‘Yes. As you know, Nate took it so well that I feel like a great weight has been lifted, to be honest.’
‘Good. And dare I ask if you’ve said anything to Jerico yet?’
‘This is why I’m ringing, actually. You know I went to that drop-in centre in Slough months ago?’
‘Yep.’ Vic could hear Mandy taking a slurp of tea.
‘Well, they’re have an evening session tonight, all around HIV and relationships. I kind of thought it might help me get my words out in the right way, when I do tell him, but I’m not sure.’ Vic let out a growl of frustration as she awkwardly pulled a top over her head, trying not to displace the handset in the process.
‘What are you are worried about?’ Mandy’s kindness shone through, as always.
‘It’s just, I don’t know if I want to talk about anything HIV-related. Especially with a group of strangers.’
‘A group of strangers who will understand a whole lot more than most about your situation.’
‘I guess.’ Vic sighed.
‘Go along and see how you feel. Maybe it’ll be good to get a different perspective, to understand how others have dealt with all sorts, not just relationships.’
‘OK. Thanks, Mand. I just needed your wise reassurance. I’m going to go.’
‘Aww, well, good luck, and be sure to fill me in.’
‘Will do. Love you, mate.’
‘Love you right back.’
Vic checked her phone for messages, then threw it onto the bed. She picked it up again, then cast it back to the duvet. Then, with a shake of her shoulders and a firm ‘Just do it,’ she slid the handset open and started to text.
Queen Victoria here. I’m around from 8ish tonight, if you fancied meeting up for a drink?
Jerico’s reply was instant.
Queen V! I’m working until 8. I’ll text you a pub in or near to Slough when I find one I like. 8.15 perfect.
Vic screamed, then did a little dance around her bedroom. The drop-in centre was in Slough, so that worked well.
She sat down at her dressing table and began to put her make-up on. With the initial euphoria of the date that she had bravely orchestrated worn off, and realising that tonight’s session might not give her all the answers she needed, she began to go over and over in her head what she might say – and, more scarily, how Jerico might react. She cleared her throat and spoke aloud into the mirror.
‘So, Jerico, I have something to tell you. I like you. In fact, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since our kiss by the river. But I am HIV-positive. Which I know sounds scary, but…’
Vic groaned. Why would anyone want to take on someone with HIV, if they had a choice? Maybe it was better not to say anything, and spare him the awkwardness of having to be nice to her so as not to hurt her feelings. And then if he did friend-zone her, which was highly likely, could she just be his friend? Like Orla said, she didn’t think she could. On the other hand, the thought of not seeing him again was too much to bear. But she’d want to rip his clothes off all the time, so that wouldn’t work either. She groaned again. He might not even want her, anyway. It had been just a kiss, and yes he had come to Brighton, too, and bought all her display paintings, but his friend lived in Hove down the road anyway, so it wasn’t actually that much of an effort. Maybe she had just imagined how she thought he felt about her, as a safety net to her sanity and her now-single status.
She picked up her favourite red lipstick. With her upper lip complete, she moved to the lower one, filling in the centre first before blending outwards. She pressed her lips together gently, ensuring the colour was evenly distributed.
With war-paint on, she looked at her reflection and took a deep breath. She felt an unexpected surge of determination. She was ready.
Vic was greeted at the door of Hope Cottage by a very smiley Chrissie. ‘Ah, Victoria, isn’t it? Long time no see. It’s great to have you back. You doing OK?’
‘Yes, yes. You?’
‘All good in my stable, thank you for asking.’
Vic beamed back. ‘Good, good.’
‘Any plans for the long weekend?’
‘No, I’m just going with the flow,’ Vic said with little enthusiasm, realising that small talk really wasn’t her thing and half-wishing she hadn’t bothered to come. ‘So, what’s on the agenda for tonight, then, Chrissie?’
‘“Agenda” makes it sound dead posh.’ The support worker’s dirty laugh was infectious. ‘It’s really not. People turn up around now. My Doug will put some tea, coffee and biscuits in the dining room and then I’ll kick off the session. Not sure if you’re aware, but we have a counsellor coming tonight, to talk about HIV and relationships.’
‘Yes, I did know about that part. That’s why… why I thought I’d come tonight.’ Vic suddenly felt anxious. ‘I’m a bit nervous actually.’
Chrissie put her hand on Vic’s shoulder. ‘You’ve got this, kid. And we’ve all got your back here, whenever you need us. You’re not on your own.’
‘What time are they arriving, then?’
‘He’ll join us all around seven for an hour max. Then once you’ve had a chat amongst yourselves, then you’re free to stay, go, do whatever you please.’
‘How many are you expecting?’
‘As we advertise ourselves as a drop-in centre, we never know. It’s the Wednesday before a Bank Holiday weekend, and I’m not sure if that will affect numbers. Might do, but you’ll be able to ask more questions yourself if that’s the case. Be a real shame if the turnout is poor, as the boss upstairs says this fella is dead good and you’re the only one here at the moment.’
Vic walked into the empty dining room, looked out to the sparse garden area, and took a deep breath. She’d encouraged Orla to get a counsellor and she still hadn’t done it herself. Maybe if this guy were as effective as Chrissie implied, then she could ask if she could see him privately. And this would be a decent way to suss someone out, in a group setting. Reading up on counsellors, Vic had learnt that it was important to feel an affinity with the person who was going to delve right into your soul and out again.
She was just checking her phone for messages when a short, stocky, good-looking blond guy walked in. His long, black paint-spattered shorts showed off tanned muscular legs.
‘Hello,’ Vic said nervously. ‘I’m Victoria.’
‘All right.’ The man nodded. ‘I’m Cole. ’Scuse the work clothes, I’m working on a site down the road this week and went to the pub before I came here. I haven’t seen you in here before, have I? Never forget a pretty face, me.’
‘No, first time.’
‘And before you ask, Victoria, I’m not gay.’
Wow, Vic thought, not quite expecting this level of directness from a stranger. ‘Er, I wasn’t going to.’
The painter continued without filter. ‘You on meds yet, then?’
‘No. I only found out in December.’
‘It’s a shock, innit? But that does wear off.’
‘Are you on meds, then?’ Getting with the lingo, Vic took in the young lad in front of her. He must be late twenties, she assumed, with a textured crop hairstyle that faded out to his ears. He had a cheeky face – not unlike Albie’s, she thought.
‘Yeah, just started and – touch wood’ – he rubbed his hand on the table – ‘I’m feeling OK, so far.’
‘So do you come here often?’ Vic cringed at what she’d just said.
‘Ha! Yes. Slough’s greatest pick-up joint. We all come in positive, at least. ’
Vic laughed. ‘Jesus, I do so need a relationship coach.’
‘I disagree. What you doing later, love?’
They both then started laughing. Vic shook her head. ‘Now wouldn’t that be just too easy, but I’ve got a lot going on at the moment.’
‘Haven’t we all, princess? Joking aside, this place is great – has been a lifeline for me when I felt I couldn’t go on.’
‘Oh, Cole, I’m sorry you’ve felt that way.’
‘Par for the course with all this shit, isn’t it?’
‘So have you told anyone?’ Vic was genuinely concerned.
‘It’s not really good pub banter, is it?’ Cole suddenly looked quite sad. ‘Can you imagine?’ He pretended to hold a drink in the air. ‘“All right, boys, so, I was on a lads’ holiday, there was this girl, she was hot. I fucked her bareback and now I’ve got a virus that could kill me if I don’t take medicine all my life. And you probably all think you can catch it by sharing a pint with me.” No, thanks. I’m not putting myself through it. What if they couldn’t cope with it?’ His voice tailed off. ‘It’d be shit.’
‘You might be surprised.’ The level of irony around Victoria’s own similar worries about Jerico suddenly hit her.
‘I don’t want to take the chance. Not everyone is willing to be educated. Don’t tell me you haven’t had minutes of feeling unclean or unlovable,’ Cole asked, sounding far wiser than his years.
Vic sighed deeply. ‘Yeah, yes, I have, and one of my friends did freak out… but she came around. I’ve realised that people who care about you, care about you . What about your family?’
‘Nah. I can’t. I don’t wanna upset my old woman or my sisters. I’m so grateful for this place. Means I can talk about it openly and not feel ashamed.’
‘We shouldn’t feel ashamed. We all have sex. It just annoys me that the stigma is so rife.’ Vic smiled at Doug as he brought in a flask of tea and coffee and some biscuits and put them in the middle of the table.
‘You really are a newbie, aren’t you?’ Cole reached for a biscuit, shoved it in in one go, then spoke, sending crumbs flying everywhere. ‘I’d rather keep in my bubble. I find it easier that way. Sorry, I’m starving – should’ve eaten at the pub.’
Doug popped his head back through. ‘I can make you a sandwich, lad, if you want one? Got some ham in the fridge.’
‘Wicked, mate. Yes, please.’
Doug looked at Vic. ‘You all right for food, lass?’
‘Yes, yes, thanks.’ Vic nodded, thinking it really was quite like a family here.
Cole grabbed another biscuit. ‘Anyway, I say, ignore the naysayers. Which is quite ironic considering I don’t tell anyone. But I’m a bloke and I have needs. Hence me being here tonight. I’ve been hiding behind this diagnosis for too long. It’s time to get myself out there, but I want to do right by the women I meet, without scaring the shit out of them when I tell them.’
‘Aww,’ Vic said aloud, without meaning to. ‘Well done, and I hear you, I really do.’ She poured herself a mug of tea. ‘Do you want one?’
‘Coffee, please. I’ve only had a pint but best not to smell of it in front of the shrink.’
Cole’s mobile rang. ‘I need to take this – see you in a minute.’ He winked and pushed open the double doors out to the garden before Vic had a chance to pour his drink and give it to him.
Chrissie appeared. ‘All right, Vic. Looks like this could be it: just me, you and our Cole. He’s a good lad, that one.’ The savvy support worker waved at Cole, who was sitting outside on the bench seat chatting to someone animatedly. Checking her watch, she beckoned him to head in.
‘Hey, Chrissie, how you doing?’ he said as he came back into the room.
‘Happy to see you, lad. You all right? Told your mum yet?’
Cole shook his head. ‘Why do I need to do that when I’ve got you here, hey?’ He then grinned. Vic could tell the obvious bond between them.
‘I held off telling my mum, too, but she already knew.’ Vic smiled.
Chrissie nodded. ‘We know everything, us mums. And even if my lad came home and said he’d robbed the vicarage, I’d still have to help him. Like lionesses, we are. Whatever the situation.’
‘Give over, the pair of you. You’re ganging up on me now.’ Cole poured himself a coffee and then started to devour the sandwich that Doug had just put down on the table. The front-door buzzer rang.
‘Right. Take a seat, you two – that must be our man. I’ll have a quick chat and bring him through.’
Cole looked at Victoria. ‘You’re not my type, but you won’t have trouble finding anyone. You’re beautiful, darlin’.’
Vic shook her head in amusement. ‘I’ll allow the compliment – thank you.’
As Chrissie walked in followed by the counsellor, Vic’s smile was abruptly knocked off her face and her jaw dropped open in absolute shock and astonishment.
‘So, I explained to Jerico that it’s just you two tonight, but he’s happy to be here and chat, as he’s given up his time anyway.’
Jerico Flint’s emerald-green eyes locked onto Victoria’s as he sat down opposite her, and, as she looked into his soul, her bottom lip started to wobble. Shooting up onto her feet, she rushed through the open doors into the garden.
She was standing in the garden with her head in her hands when she heard him follow her out there and felt his arm rest around her shoulders.
‘I knew there had to be a reason. I mean, who turns down the advances of an extremely handsome and debonaire bestselling author?’ Jerico’s voice was calm and measured, even as he joked.
Vic couldn’t even look at him. ‘I couldn’t tell you.’
‘I understand.’ Jerico squeezed her shoulder. ‘But now I know what we’re dealing with here, I couldn’t be happier.’
‘Happy?’
‘Yes, because now I understand.’
‘And now you can walk away without getting involved.’ Vic’s throat expressed a funny little anguished squeak.
‘ Au contraire , Queen V, au contraire . That would be like me walking away from a lifetime of sunshine.’
Vic bit her lip. ‘That is possibly the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me in my life.’
‘It’s true,’ Jerico replied gently. ‘I haven’t stopped thinking about you from the moment we kissed.’
Vic cleared her throat. ‘I’ve got so much to say to you, but this is not the time or the place. There’s no way I can stay for this session.’
Jerico turned and stuck his thumb up to a concerned-looking Chrissie, who was now standing outside the double doors.
‘It’s fine. We’ll talk later. Head to Bray for 8.30. I’ll text you the details.’
‘And everything really is OK?’ Vic’s voice shook.
‘We get one shot at this thing called life, Queen V, and we are in effect only here for a long weekend, so all I can say is we might as well enjoy it. How much money have you got on you?’
‘What sort of question is that?’ Vic looked perplexed. ‘What do you mean?’
Without reply, she followed him back down the garden.
Jerico greeted Chrissie and Cole with a smile. ‘I was just explaining to the young lady here that the cost of not following your heart is spending the rest of your life wishing you had. So, you have some place to go now, don’t you?’ Jerico raised his eyes.
Without the words to reply, Victoria returned his look with one of awe.
‘Are you OK, love?’ the Liverpudlian questioned as she unlocked the front door to let Vic out.
‘Never better. And you were right, Chrissie – he is dead good.’
‘See, I told you to trust in the timing of your life.’ The support worker winked and shut the door behind her.