Chapter 12
It’s been overcast and cold all day. Rain splotches my windshield, and brooding gray clouds hang over the treetops. They’re threatening to bring a deluge down on the mountain. All I ask is that it doesn’t flood. My little hatchback can’t deal with that. Not to mention rain at night sucks.
Korean lyrics I don’t understand are playing through my speakers as I pull into their driveway. I gasp again when Hayden’s house comes into view. Not sure how long that’s going to take to get used to. It’s just so cool.
Out front, sitting in a low chair, is Eliza. Her white top and flared tan bottoms contrast with the rest of the porch. She always stands out. Catina, her daughter, sits next to her in a graphic tee and shorts. It’s much too cold to be sitting outside period, much less in shorts.
I roll to a stop and grab the covered plate from the passenger seat before slipping out into the light drizzle. The tiny droplets are chilly against my neck and wrists. Little ice pricks, so I rush for the shelter of the covered porch.
“Hey, Eliza,” I say, stepping up the stairs. “Catina.”
“Hi!” Catina smiles.
“Kenzie.” Eliza nods. “Sit with me a moment.”
“Uh, shouldn’t I take this in first?” I ask. I really want to get inside and out of this shitty weather.
“Catina can take it in for you.” Eliza looks at her daughter, who doesn’t seem too excited about it but doesn’t question.
She takes the dish from me and disappears inside. “Okay. Thanks,” I say because I don’t know what else to say. I take the seat Catina was previously occupying.
“I know how it is. To be on the outside.” Eliza smiles calmingly at me.
Uh…say what? What is that supposed to mean?
I grin, but my nerves are suddenly on edge.
“It took a while for the family to accept me when I met Jeffrey down in New Orleans,” she says.
Am I about to get a whole family history lesson?
“I wasn’t just the first Black woman in the family, I was the first witch.
It took them a bit to be alright with the witch part.
They’re good people though. So loving, and they have a way with understanding. I love them dearly.”
Now my entire body is radiating nervous energy. Where is this going?
“That’s really good.” I grin. What are you getting at? Is this like the talk dads usually give their daughter’s potential suitors? Is a shotgun about to come out? A Smith & Wesson story? Some Rodney Atkins song?
“It really is.” Eliza nods and shifts to look at me directly. “I’d do anything for them. They’re my family. So I’ll get right to the point, Kenzie.”
Okay…
Eliza leans forward, her smile somehow holding both a lightness and weight that’s usually reserved for my least favorite conversations. Our eyes meet, and no matter how much I want to look away, I can’t. Her dark browns bore into me, searching me. Yeah, I already don’t like this.
“I know you and Hayden aren’t dating,” she says.
“What?!” I jump, taken aback by the accusation, the truth. How does she know? “How…I mean what?”
“I was in the hall the other day…at the hospital,” she starts to explain. My stomach jumps into my throat and I fall back, letting my back smack against the black wooden slats. I thought she said she’d just arrived though! “When you were there talking to Hayden. I overheard.”
Shit! Immediately I go into damage control mode.
“I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean for this to happen. I really—”
“No, no. Calm down, Kenzie.” Eliza pats my shoulder, her smile motherly. “I know. I heard. I could feel your conflict, how much you wanted to be truthful.”
“I do, I really do!” I tell her. “I’m just…I don’t know…I’m afraid of how they’ll see me. How you’ll see me. I don’t even know if Hayden would date a guy.”
She grunts at that last bit but doesn’t seem too worried about it. “How much of what you said is true though?”
“Uh…” I pause. Just breathe, Kenzie. You can’t go back to five minutes ago. Just be honest. “The rest, really. We did meet at the café. It’s where I work, and he comes all the time. I just never really talked to him. I just took his order, but nothing else. I was too scared. Too much of a coward.”
“Don’t say that.” Eliza purses her lips.
“It’s true though,” I tell her. “It was all a misunderstanding.”
“A misunderstanding?” Eliza asks.
I huff again. This is too hard.
“Yes.” I nod. “At the hospital they wouldn’t let me go back and see him because I’m not family.
I might have gotten ahead of myself and said he was my boyfriend.
The nurses know me—I interned at the hospital this summer—so I thought it would help my chances of seeing him. I didn’t think anything of it.”
I stop and examine the palms of my hands. My fingers grip my amethyst.
“But when y’all came in the room and asked who I was. The way y’all reacted…when the nurse said I was…uh…Hayden’s enbyfriend. I couldn’t say it wasn’t true. I wanted it.”
Gods. I wanted it so bad. To be his. And I think I still do, but is it worth lying to his family?
Eliza’s face softens and she blinks slowly, never once letting go of my eyes. I was expecting something much different when this happened, but it’s not there. The rage isn’t there. The disbelief and disgust. None of it. Is this how the entire family would be?
“I see.” Eliza looks away into the trees.
It’s already so dark you can only see the first few before it fades into nothing. The rain is coming harder now, splatting along the walkway and at the edge of the porch.
The back of my throat is dry despite the humidity, and pinpricks run up my shoulder. What is she thinking? Does she hate me now? Am I a horrible person in her mind?
I am in mine.
“Mackenzie.” Her voice is quiet and kind, but it feels like the friend equivalent of Mom calling me Mackenzie Nicholas Jackson. “I guess the real question is, do you care about him? Do you know Hayden enough to care about him?”
I snap my gaze away and crinkle my nose.
Elegantly manicured ferns fill my vision against the stoic concrete barrier lining the front porch.
My eyes lock on a single frond. Its toothy pear-green leaves along a single stalk are coated in water.
One among a much larger thriving ecosystem.
Together, but also alone. I get lost in its leaves until a droplet pelts my forehead.
“I don’t know.” I wipe the water from my head, annoyed by my response. I do know…I think, at least. “I mean yeah, but no. I want to.”
“But do you?” she asks again.
I shrug. How can I know? The longest conversation we’ve ever had was that time he ordered snacks for his family and he had to keep repeating which cakes and pastries he wanted. That wasn’t a conversation though. Not really.
“They deserve to know the truth.” Eliza says it slowly, her words coated in Southern honey with a kick of Cajun.
“Yeah,” I whisper. “I know.”
What I don’t know is how to break it to them. This wasn’t how I’d expected anyone to find out, and I don’t think I can just say it. I can’t just bring it up. That’s too hard.
“I’ll tell them,” I say anyway. Because it’s right, even though my mind is in gridlock and my anxiety is through the roof.
“No.” Eliza pats my knee. Wait, she said no?
“Huh?” I reel back. “No? Why not?”
“Maybe it’d be good to wait. Let me think about how best to break it to them,” Eliza says, bunching her cheeks up in contemplation. “Delilah isn’t called Super Old Gran for nothing. I don’t want to shock her too much at once.”
Excuse me? Are you saying I might kill Grandma? Don’t say that! That’s horrible! I couldn’t deal with that. Super Old Gran is so fun! My stomach sinks. I think I’m going to be sick.
“Super Old Gran?” I frown.
“It’s good. I’ll figure it out,” she assures me with a laugh. “I got you.”
“I…I don’t want to lose them though.” I frown and look away. It’s not really something I can control, but it’s true. “All of you. I’ve never had a family like this.”
Eliza’s thoughtful expression morphs into a mother’s warm grin.
She sighs and squeezes my shoulder. “I see. I can’t speak for them, but I always get good energy from you.
Our faults don’t have to define us, Kenzie, and even if some things take time, it doesn’t mean they can’t work out. Just give me some time.”
“Thank you!” I breathe. Does part of me feel wrong for letting her take it on? Yes, yes it does. Does part of me adore her for doing this? Also yes.
Am I the problem? Definitely.
* * *
To say dinner is awkward may be the understatement of my short life. I refuse to look at Eliza. Thank the gods for her, but the sight of her reminds me I’m on the edge of the cliff.
“Did you see the Mountaineers lost to Avery last night?” Jeffrey asks.
The Mountaineers are Hayden and Zachary’s school. I’ve been to a few games to watch Hayden play. Okay, more than a few.
“Yeah,” Mr. Marcus sighs. “Forty-eight to fifty-two.”
“Beau said it was a tense one.” Jeffrey droops his shoulders.
They’ve been going on about their favorite college basketball teams. Jeffrey’s a Carolina fan. I bet he’s got a blue Heels sticker on the back of his truck. Randall seems to root for the Trojans—I don’t have a clue what school that is. And now, we’ve veered into high school basketball.
“If they’d had Hayden they might have made it. They haven’t done as well since.” Jeffrey slumps back.
“It won’t be long,” Mary-Anne says, but I can tell she’s fighting back some deeper emotions with the way she twitches. They’re the words of someone wishing out loud, like maybe if they say it, it’ll come true. “He’ll be back soon.”