Chapter 17 #2
“No I’m not!” I pull my coat tight. It’s not that cold tonight, but enough so that I wish I’d brought a thicker jacket. “Let’s go.”
“Too late.” Kaitlynn grins.
Shit.
“Almost missed you!” Zachary calls from behind.
“Almost,” I mutter, then put on a smile. “Oops. Wondered where you were.”
A lie.
“Y’all closed up quick tonight,” Zachary says, which makes me wonder how he knows that, or if he’s just blowing smoke.
“It wasn’t bad tonight,” I say.
“This is fun and all, but I’m off.” Kaitlynn smiles at Zachary, then me. Her grin turns mischievous when she meets my eyes, and then she fast walks down the sidewalk and disappears inside her car.
Fine. Just leave me.
“You look cold.” Zachary gets my attention back.
His gray eyes are squinting at me, considering me. I don’t know what is going on behind them, but I feel like I don’t want to know, or well, I do, but I don’t.
“I’m good,” I say snappily. Was he going to give me his jacket? Maybe I should have said yes.
“Okay.” He nods and starts walking toward my car.
I follow at his side like some freaking couple down the sidewalk. Does he not realize this is a bad idea? We shouldn’t be hanging out. Not after the other night. Not after he, or we, you know…kissed.
“It’s cold, isn’t it?” he says more than asks.
“Yeah,” I say. Just get it over with, Zach. What do you want?
“Yeah,” he echoes me.
I nod, waiting for him to say more, but he doesn’t.
Instead I focus on the dull buzz of the streetlights and the distant hum of muffled engines.
The moon is bright tonight against a pristine sky.
Each star is like a little diamond, some steady and calm, others sparkling through our atmosphere.
It puts me at ease, sort of, and reminds me that the moon will be full on Sunday.
I’ll be able to recharge my crystals again.
But the quiet is still annoying. What am I supposed to say?
I’m not the one who asked to walk me to my car. It’s mad awkward.
Finally, we stop next to my car, and I shove my hands in my pockets. The door handle is so close. All I’d have to do is move my hand a few inches, but I’m tugged in two directions. I’m really trying not to be, but I am.
“So.” Zachary’s mouth skews to the left and he looks down. “This is awkward.”
You think? I squint and look up at him.
“I’m just going to ask. Did, uh…” Zachary huffs and stutters his next few words. It’s actually cute. “Did…you, uh…d-did you not like it? You know, when…”
“When?” I scrunch my brow like I’m super confused. He’s nervous. I can even see it in his eyes and hear it between each hesitation. “When what?”
“You know…when we…” Zachary sucks his lips in and takes in a deep breath through his nostrils. His lips bunch up tight. It’s so effing cute! No, not cute. It’s funny! Not cute. Definitely not cute.
“What are you talking about?” I ask. I’m not going to be the one who says it. Not now that he’s bringing it up.
“Uh…” he tries but clamps his jaw shut.
“So much for just asking,” I joke. Immediately I feel bad for it.
“Okay, fine.” He rolls his eyes and licks his lips, then the words spill out at a hundred miles per hour. “Did you not like it when we kissed?”
“You mean when you kissed me?” I reframe it. I’m not ready to admit that I did enjoy it. Not yet, and I’m definitely not letting him pin it on me. He did initiate.
“Huh? When I kissed you?” Zachary’s eyes become wide moons. “We kissed each other.”
“But you initiated,” I remind him.
“That’s not how I remember it.” He grins.
“I…” But my mind runs back to the scene, doused in blackness with the receding chirp of bats.
The first time I really saw him. The gentleness in his eyes.
The way he looked at me, like he truly saw me.
The sharpness of his jaw. How the cold in my bones seemed to disappear the closer he came.
His lips. Parted. And yes, I moved closer.
I went in for their soft sweetness, not knowing I’d find exactly what I wanted to know so bad.
I’m just as much to blame, but he did start it.
“Maybe it wasn’t just you. But we shouldn’t have. ”
Zachary starts to say something but stops. In the dark his face is half-lit by the dim orange of a sodium streetlamp. His eyes wander everywhere but toward me. There’s conflict in them, and I think I understand it.
“Yeah…maybe we shouldn’t have.” He nods again. “But…”
He clamps his lips tight. I don’t think that’s what he wanted to hear, or what he expected, and now I feel horrible. I want to run, to dive into my car and speed off. To make for the hills and hide so he never finds me, so I never have to look at those eyes again, but he speaks out of nowhere.
“I just…” Zachary pauses to grit his teeth. “I…I just thought you and Hayden, you know…that it wasn’t real. I thought it was a joke or something. It doesn’t make sense in my head.”
“Make sense?” I reel back. I’ve been thinking the same thing. How could anyone ever believe Hayden would want me? The perfect high school jock who isn’t a complete douche wanting to date the little unknown enby. But to say it!
“I didn’t mean that in a bad way,” Zachary backtracks. “I just—”
“How else am I supposed to take it?” I ask.
“Just that I know my brother,” he sighs. Zachary’s eyes slide closed before he looks at me again. “At least, I thought I did. Maybe he’s been hiding from me. I just can’t believe I wouldn’t see it. I mean, I know his type. I’ve known him my entire life. He’s my brother.”
“So it’s too much to believe that he could love me?” I ask.
“No! That’s not what I’m saying. Not at all. Mack, I’m just trying to understand,” he says. The sincerity in his voice is almost too much. He sounds…broken. “Hayden tells me everything, or at least he did. I mean, we were closer before he got big on the team, but still.”
Before he got big on the team. Hmm. It starts to sink in.
Their dynamic must have been changing, and this feels like another loss to him.
Not understanding what’s happening. Not being in the loop like he once was.
And now I’m feeling like crap because he’s feeling this way all because of a lie.
All because I’m trying to keep up a ruse, and even worse, I like him too.
I hide the need to decompress all of that by pumping my fist inside my pockets and clearing my throat. I can’t tell him all of that, but I’ve got to do something.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
“Huh? For what?” Zachary asks.
“For everything. For how things are with you and Hayden. For being snappy. For Hayden not telling you about us.” The last one stings.
Another lie. Another foot down in the dirt and knot in my noose, but I can’t tell him the truth.
Not now. If I did, how would he look at me?
Would he even? I don’t know that I could bear that.
Maybe the lie is better than the truth. “And yeah, I liked it. But I shouldn’t. ”
“Yeah.” He nods quickly. “Sorry about that.”
“It’s not just your fault,” I remind him, finally admitting it out loud. It actually feels good, even if it is still a little terrifying.
“It’s okay.” He says quickly, then gulps. “We can still talk though, right? We have a lot in common.”
“Yeah, sure,” I say a little too quickly. Now it’s all weird.
“Good.” Zach gives me a weak grin and we drop into an awkward quiet for a few moments before he saves us. “So, uh, what are you planning to do after high school?”
After high school? What? We’re going from admitting we royally screwed up to what my plans are after high school? That’s a big switch.
“I…” My eyes twitch as I rebound from the topic whiplash. “I don’t really know for sure. I mean college. I’m going to college. Just not entirely sure what I want to major in yet. Probably nursing or maybe psychology though.”
“Oooh! Really?” Zachary’s face starts to glow, which is so much better than the doom and gloom he was giving a few seconds ago. It’s so obvious that he’s trying really hard not to think about it though. Gods, I feel awful.
“Yeah,” I say, contemplating whether or not to tell him why.
I don’t want him to think badly of my mom.
“I want to be able to help people. You know, people who deal with things in their head they have a hard time handling. Get what I mean?” It sounds sort of foolish when I say it aloud to him.
To think I could really help people. I can’t even do this right. “Probably sounds weird to you.”
“What? Why would that sound weird?” Zachary asks.
“Dunno,” I admit. “Just thought it would.”
“It doesn’t. I promise. It’s actually really cool.” He’s smiling and it seems genuine. Maybe it is.
“I like to cook too, but I don’t think I’m going to make a living as a cook,” I tell him.
He laughs. “You never know.”
There’s a pause because I don’t know what to say, and he must not either.
“Have I told you about my greenhouse?” Zachary breaks the silence.
“You have a greenhouse?” I ask. My first thought is that I could get all my herbs for my spells from him, but that’s selfish.
“Yeah, I have a little one out behind the basketball court at home.” Zachary grins. “It’s nothing major, but yeah. And I love woodworking! You saw my project. I could help you and Hayden build your house and then grow your food—you know, since you’ll probably be my person-in-law by then anyway.”
“Oh really? Person-in-law?” I smile jokingly. “You mean sibling-in-law? And isn’t that assuming an awful lot?”
“Maybe, maybe not.” Zachary shrugs. “It’d cost you less than hiring a carpenter.”
I laugh and nod. “Family discount?”
“Of course.” Zachary shakes his head, and his hand goes to his pocket and pulls out his phone. It’s lit up and buzzing. “Speaking of family, Mom’s calling. Hey, Mom.”
I’m still laughing when his brow scrunches and all the excitement drains from his eyes into a pale gray. What’s going on? Finally he looks up at me, still on the phone.
“We’ll be there ASAP!” he tells her.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“It’s Hayden. He just woke up.”