Chapter 18 #2
“I ordered my usual, and then left— Wait, no… I…dammit.” He grunts. “That’s it.”
“It’s okay, Hayden.” Dr. Kline pats the bed next to his arm.
Mary-Anne mumbles something. Probably a comforting word, but I can’t tell what it is.
It must be nice having all these people here just for you, Hayden.
“It’s not uncommon. Your injury put you out for thirteen days.
You had a bad fall in the shop and hit your head.
Your body reacted by putting you in a short coma.
Mackenzie here brought you to the hospital. ”
She moves aside like she’s unveiling me to him. Dr. Kline, no!
“Oh,” Hayden whispers, his eyes stuck on me now.
No! Don’t look at me. Don’t think about me.
I shouldn’t be here. Maybe he did lose some memories, but he didn’t lose “our” memories.
Those never happened. They never had a start, there is no story there for him to rediscover, except that I’m a major asshole.
I look at his scared gray eyes and a new guilt sets in.
It’s worse than before, but I also see the guy I remember.
The one who smiled so brightly when he’d walk into the shop and very predictably order an iced caramel latte with cinnamon. And he’s bi.
“But…” He stops and considers me a moment. Then a smile creeps up his cheek. “I mean, you are cute.”
It’s everything I can do not to react. I hold in the well in my gut and give him a coy grin. What the hell is happening right now?
“There you go,” Kiki cheers. “See, that’s a start. It’ll come back.”
Did Hayden Marcus just tell me, Mackenzie Nicholas Jackson, that I am cute?
Did he seriously just say to my face that I, the tiny enby witch who stands nearly a foot below him, am cute?
He thinks I’m cute? I can’t stop hearing his words echoing through my head.
You are cute. I’ve dreamt of them coming from his mouth, and there they were. You are cute.
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me, man!” Zachary blurts.
“Huh?” Hayden jumps.
“That you’re fu—freaking bi! What did you think I’d say?” Zachary sounds genuinely hurt. “I came out to you first, man!”
“I know, sorry!” Hayden wiggles under the blanket.
It looks super uncomfortable. One of those stiff cheap-looking things that I’m sure would never be found at the Marcus’s estate.
“Fine,” Zachary huffs. “You always did say you’d go for Ryan Reynolds and Pedro Pascal. I just thought you were joking.”
Hayden giggles. “That’s what you get for thinking, bro.”
“Fu—ugh…you.” Zach grins but doesn’t finish it. Mr. Marcus is already staring him down from the other side of the bed, where we’ve all gathered again. “No more secrets.”
“Fine.” Hayden lifts his arms in defeat, and it actually makes me giggle at the two of them. “I still don’t remember…us dating.”
“You just need a little time.” Mary-Anne smiles at her son, then looks toward the doctor, who gives her an assuring nod. “You said his memories should come back, right?”
“They should.” Dr. Kline shifts from her left to right foot. “We can’t say for sure, but usually they do.”
“How long?” Kiki steps forward, which gives me a glimpse of Eliza. She’s eyeing me from behind Kiki, but I ignore her. We can talk later.
“It could be days. It could be weeks, months.” The doctor shrugs with a smile that tries to belay the indefiniteness of the answer. “It’s hard to say.”
“Months…” The word barely exits Hayden’s mouth, which I’m suddenly mesmerized by again.
“It’s no matter,” Super Old Gran practically yells from the lone chair in the corner. I don’t remember her sitting down. “Sometimes not remembering shit is great.”
“Gran!” Mary-Anne admonishes her.
A giggle threatens to breach my mouth, but I hold it back. I need her to be my grandma. Like, I really need that woman to be my grandma.
“What? It is!” Gran doubles down on it.
“Language,” Mary-Anne clarifies.
“Oh dammit, right.” Super Old Gran looks at me and winks.
I have to look away so I don’t break. Gods, I love her.
“Hayden, it’s good to have you back, regardless of all of that.” Mary-Anne ignores Super Old Gran and wraps her son, the boy of my dreams, in her arms.
He grins and the rest of the family moves in to give him careful little hugs.
When I get to the side of the bed, I’m not sure what to do, and I can tell by the hitch in his smile that he doesn’t either.
Everyone is staring at us though, even Zachary.
I see him from the corner of my eye, off to the right, and suddenly I’m back at the Harrell House.
In the dark. Surrounded by the dust swirling in phone light, with Zach’s face less than a finger’s width in front of me. His pupils wide, mouth parting.
I blink it away and I’m back at the hospital. I swallow. Act normal.
“I’m so glad you’re back, Hayden.” I say it as enbyfriend-ish as I can imagine.
I don’t wait for a response. I’m horrified right now, so I lean in quick and give him the tiniest, most careful hug anyone’s ever been given, and he lightly hugs back before I scoot away. But his touch… Where was the euphoria I expected, the electricity when my hand simply brushed Zachary’s hand?
I let myself sink behind Mary-Anne where I can think, as Kaitlyn gives Hayden a hug. It’s weird. It’s not what I thought it would be. Where I thought excitement would be, I felt dirty, guilty.