Chapter 27 #2
“And you don’t have to bring anything. No gifts,” Hayden quickly spouts.
“Yeah, I’m not getting him anything either,” Zach laughs across the table at his brother.
Hayden grunts, I think in amusement. I could be wrong.
“What about me?” Holly whines. The pout puts a stake in my heart, so I can’t imagine it doesn’t tear Zach to shreds.
“Don’t worry. I have something for you,” he tells her, and nudges their shoulders together.
“Good. I got you something too,” she says proudly.
“I just don’t want him thinking he needs to.” Hayden puffs his chest. I can’t help but notice Zachary’s eyes flinching between Hayden and me every time Hayden refers to me as he. It’s really not a big deal, but I think it truly bugs him.
“Of course they don’t have to,” Zachary says.
Despite how shitty my insides feel, in that moment the way he said they does put a smile on my face, which unfortunately I think he notices. He sits back and juts his chest out, those steel eyes beaming.
“It’s good,” I tell them, sweeping my gaze across the table. “I promise.”
I also promise that if this dinner isn’t a short one, I’m going to go insane. Like clinically. The thoughts rampaging through my skull, fighting between self-preservation and being a decent human being are going to rip me apart.
“What do y’all say we play some Old Maid after dinner?” Mr. Marcus suggests.
Old Maid? What’s that?
“Oh that would be fun,” Mary-Anne agrees.
“I’m going to bed after this,” Super Old Gran says.
“Couldn’t we play something less…kiddy?” Zach asks.
I nervously raise my hand like I’m at school before Zachary can have his request answered.
“Yes?” Mr. Marcus asks. I think he’s confused by my hand being up. “You don’t have to raise your hand, Kenzie.”
I yank it back awkwardly and smile to cover my embarrassment. At least it’s getting my mind off what’s been flying around inside it the past day.
“What is Old Maid?” I ask.
“You don’t know what Old Maid is?” Zach practically comes across the table, he’s so surprised.
“Uh, no.” I jump back.
Is it one of those games kids grow up playing with their dads that I never really got? Like football or something? Mom would always play baseball with me. Sometimes basketball, but we never dared try football, except the international variety.
“Whoa!” Zach howls.
“Not everyone knows what it is,” Hayden defends me, even though part of me likes that Zach is roasting me. “It’s sort of an old person game.”
“Hey now!” Mary-Anne yelps. “I am not old yet. Thank you!”
“Right, right,” Hayden looks my way and mumbles, laughing.
I lean closer and laugh so his mom can’t see, and both Zachary and Holly have their mouths covered.
“Y’all are grounded,” Mary-Anne jokes, and I don’t even bother pointing out I’m not one of the children.
“Don’t worry, babies, I’ll bring you candy,” Super Old Gran says.
The table breaks out in comeback after comeback, but it’s all a hushed mumble in my head as time slows and I’m left in my own little universe, looking from one person to the next.
Left looking at the family I almost had.
Eliza and Jeffrey, the aunt and uncle. Mine are thousands of miles away in Germany, and while I think they like me, they don’t make a point to call.
Holly, the little sister I never had. Super Old Gran, the awesome grandmother that sneaks you candy when your parents ground you and says exactly what she’s thinking no matter how dirty it is.
I have a grandfather on my mom’s side left, but I’ve only seen him like twice, and my grandmother, my Oma, died when I was ten.
Then there’s Mr. Marcus. My first impression was that he’s stern, but there’s a softness in his eyes when he talks to Hayden, Zachary, or Holly.
I can imagine them playing catch in the yard, or him spinning them in circles on that metal death contraption at the park.
I can see the smiles, hear the giggles, and almost feel the hugs.
He’s the closest I’ve ever come to having a dad, and I didn’t take advantage of it.
I think I was scared to, but I mean, I should have been, right?
I’m slammed back into the here and now with a pat on the back.
“You okay?” Hayden’s still giggling. Zachary’s peering across the table at us. I swear he’s eyeing Hayden’s hand on my shoulder.
“Yeah, I’m good. Just zoned out,” I tell him.
I can’t keep going on like this. I have to tell him and get this over with.
I can’t stand sitting here, enjoying the love and warmth all these people offer me so freely.
It has to stop. I need to get away. I need to break the news to Hayden. “Can we go outside? I need some air.”
“Yeah, sure.” Hayden nods and stands. “Before we go though…”
He looks around the table, all eyes glued to him. He looks directly at me just as I’m getting to my feet. I almost stumble. Hayden reaches out and grabs my hand to steady me.
I go to pull away but remember that’s still a no-no. It doesn’t matter though. Hayden’s already pulled away like he touched something slimy and nasty.
“Kenzie.” Hayden’s eyes drill into mine. He brings his fist up and clears his throat. His smile feels fake. It’s too big, too wide, too something. What is happening? Just don’t get down on a knee! Please! “I, uh…uh…I wanted to ask. You know, uh…”
My forehead lowers and I try really hard not to widen my eyes, but I think they do a little.
At least the attention isn’t all on me now.
Still, I’m nervous, because if something is crazy enough to get him like this—to get Hayden Dean Marcus, Mitchell High’s star basketball player, the boy who had me nearly drooling a month ago, to hardly be able to speak—then I’m done for.
“He’s just—” Mary-Anne starts, but Holly is on it before she can get two words out.
“He wants you to go to the dance with him!” Holly blurts a hundred miles an hour, then gasps. “See! It wasn’t that hard.”
“Yeah, that.” Hayden gives Holly the evil eye. When his eyes return to me, they don’t stay there. It’s like he’s too scared to see me.
“Uh, I—” My words won’t come, eyes shooting between Holly and Hayden, then Zachary and Super Old Gran, then back to Hayden.
“The Winter Formal at Mitchell,” he specifies.
His mom gasps like she didn’t have a clue. Holly squeals and claps her hands. Mr. Marcus is simply smiling. He seems proud.
“Marry them!” Super Old Gran yells.
“Granny!” Hayden whips around and scowls, but he’s laughing, sort of.
Just out of view is the one I wish was asking me the same question.
The thoughts scatter through my head, bouncing haphazardly about, making me want to crumble onto the floor.
I wish it were Zachary asking. I’d say yes.
I’d yell it again and again. I’d grab him up and kiss him and ask what we’re wearing, if he wants me to wear a dress or a tux, when we’re going to get sized or if we even need that.
But it’s not him. It’ll never be him. I’ve made certain of that with the stupid things I’ve done. Instead, he’s frozen to his chair.
I squeeze my fist and try to speak.
“I, uh, I mean…” I keep trying, but it’s not working.
“Say yes!” Holly yells.
I can’t do this. It’s too much. The dam breaks.
It starts as a single tear, streaming down my cheek, probably carving a path through my eyeliner.
I sniffle, trying to hold it back, but that deep dread inside my chest keeps building.
It starts as unease and grows as embarrassment and sadness weave together while I take in all the eyes around me.
Then it breaks, boiling over with fear and self-hatred.
Why the hell did you do this, Mackenzie?
You lied to all of them, to all these amazing, kind, and wholesome people.
You lied to Hayden. You lied to Zachary.
You fell in love with a person you didn’t know existed.
And I thought somehow it’d be okay, that I’d keep up the ruse and it’d all work out. How could I have been so foolish?
“I can’t!” My voice pierces the yells of, “Say yes,” and “This is so sweet!”
The room goes silent.
“Huh?” Hayden visibly jerks back.
“I can’t.” I whisper it this time. This ends now. Whether I’m okay with it or not, they don’t deserve to be lied to.
“Really?” Hayden seems confused, but there isn’t any of the hurt I’d expected.
“I just…I can’t. I was going to tell you after dinner, but-but…” I’m struggling to get everything out between sobs. I can barely see.
“Honey, are you okay?” Mary-Anne starts to get up, but I put up a hand to stop her.
“Tell me what?” Hayden’s confusion becomes tinged with suspicion.
“I…” My voice catches. This is happening. I’m not letting anything get in the way of it. Freyja! Odin! Thor! Balder! Heimdall! My gods! Give me even the tiniest sliver of a Valkyrie’s strength to just be honest with them.
Zachary stands. “Are you okay, Mack?”
I put up a hand again and shake my head. Mack. He’s the only person who calls me that, and I love the way it sounds when he does, but please not now. I wipe my face and try to sniffle back the flood. A huff of air expels from my chest and I grunt to clear my throat. It’s now or never.
“I’m not your enbyfriend, Hayden. I never was,” I blurt. At first, I squint, eyes closing, but I open them again when he doesn’t say anything. Is he in shock? I’d be in shock if my boyfriend told me we’d never dated. I’d be mortified.
“Excuse me? But you sa— You said we were dating before the accident.” Hayden stops and looks up at the ceiling in thought. “But we’re not? This all makes so much more sense now.”
“No,” I whisper, surprised by the crescendo in Hayden’s voice.
“What do you mean?” Mary-Anne is up from her seat again. I can’t tell if it’s confusion or anger in her eyes.
“You said at the hospital you two had been dating,” Mr. Marcus says.
“I know,” I say. My whole body shakes. I’m shivering from head to toe with nerves. “But it’s not true.”
“What?” Zachary’s voice goes up an octave.
“It’s not true,” I repeat.
“So we’re…” Hayden points between us. “We’re not dating?”
“No.” I shrug. “And you don’t have amnesia. I don’t think.”
“Oh,” isn’t what I expect him to say, but it’s what he says.
For a second it distracts me from the feeling boiling inside me, but it comes back like a brick wall right after Hayden slaps his hands over his mouth like he just let out a secret.
“I need to go, I made a mistake. I…” I stop, I just need to get out of here. There’s no point in rehashing the whole story to them. They were there, and I’m sure they can put the pieces together now that they have the truth. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.”
“Mackenzie,” Zachary calls after me as I start for the door. “Wait!”
Hearing him use my whole name causes me to freeze in place. Somehow it feels like a punch in the gut. I’m about to burst into a run, but he’s on his feet and next to me in a moment.
“I’m sorry!” I sob, but refuse to face him. “Why did you have to be so great?”
They’re not the words I expected to come from my mouth, but at least it’s the truth.
I finally allow myself to look at Zachary.
His steel eyes beg me for answers, and a smile twitches across his lips, or maybe I imagined it.
Either way, for a fleeting moment I allow myself to remember how he made me feel, to remember what I’ll never know again.
“Huh?” Zachary asks.
How can I answer that? There aren’t enough words to apologize to him and at the same time express how I feel about him. How cruel it is to both of us, but I guess that’s my fault too. I nod and try to smile, but my heart is so broken I don’t think I can. I break our gaze and look around the table.
“I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. It seemed so innocent back then, and I swear I meant well, but it was wrong. I understand if you all hate me,” I say, and the tears rush back in, pouring over my cheeks.
“Kenz—” Mr. Marcus starts, but Mary-Anne talks over him.
“How could you do this, Mackenzie?” Her words pierce into my heart. “You’ve lied to us this entire time?”
“Maybe we—” Eliza steps in, but Gramps joins in on the onslaught.
“You thought you could come into this house and—”
I can’t deal with this. There is no world where this ends well. There never was. No scenario with a nice little bow on the end of it. I came tonight knowing that, prepared. At least, I thought I was prepared.
“Mack,” Zachary starts, but I can’t do this anymore.
I twist away from him and sprint for the door, yelling my last apology as I swing it open. “I’m sorry!”