Chapter 28
The bell rings and I flinch. The buzz of conversations and banging of chairs is barely a murmur in the back of my head.
“You coming?” Kaitlynn tugs at my shoulder.
“Yeah,” I groan, and scrape the notepad and pens scattered on my desk into my pack. One pen misses and bounces on the beige carpet. “Shit.”
I huff and lean over and pick it up. I drop it in my pack with the rest of my junk, and reluctantly my feet drag me away.
“Today maybe?” Kaitlynn says.
“I’m coming.” I shoulder the backpack and let her tug me into the hallway.
I feel like a drone. Mindless and numb. I thought school might have been better than home because I’d have distractions, but I was wrong.
It felt like work. The constant need to put on a mask or face the barrage of questions from Julieta and my classmates, or worse, my teachers wanting to know if I’m okay.
I mean I’m glad they care, but not now. Even a fake smile doesn’t come easy with my gut in knots and my heart being rent into tiny shards over and over again every time Zachary crosses my mind.
Or Super Old Gran. Or Holly. Gods, any of the Marcus family, but going home to just sit on my bed, staring aimlessly at my altar isn’t sounding much better.
Nothing about last night went the way I’d hoped.
It was going to be a debacle either way, I knew that, but it was so much worse.
It literally happened at their dinner table, in front of all of them, all at once.
Dinner and a show. Except I was the show, and the ratings were rock-bottom zeroes.
Would not recommend. And I even ran out crying.
Then there’s Hayden’s reaction. I’ve mulled over it about as much as I have Zachary’s surprise.
He didn’t seem heartbroken. He actually sounded relieved, and I don’t know exactly how to process that.
And then the others’ faces, and the way Zach called after me.
I keep hearing their voices. The whys and calling my name in shock and disbelief.
I don’t think my stomach can sink any lower than it is now.
I don’t talk the entire way through the building. My mind won’t shut up, so I can barely think to speak, and I think Kaitlynn’s had enough of it. She stops in front of me.
“Kenzie. Talk to me.” She plants her feet and stares me down. “You can’t just keep it all up in there.”
“Wanna bet?” I quip, and try to get around her.
She isn’t having it. Her hands grip both my shoulders and her nails dig into my skin.
“Nope! We’re not doing that.” Kaitlynn squints at me. “What’s going on up there?”
There’s a lot going on in my mind, but somehow it feels empty and drugged yet buzzing with thoughts at the same time.
I keep wondering if Mrs. Marcus, or even Holly, is going to hate me.
And my head says yes, but I’m begging them not to, and at the same time I feel numb and weighted.
I try to weave around the doubts and thoughts to say something useful.
“It’s…just…” It’s not working, that’s what it’s doing.
What I really want to do is yell at the universe for letting me so very royally fuck everything up.
I want to scream at the gods, whichever ones will listen, and thank them for not helping me any.
I just want to scream. “This sucks, Kaity. I-I, uh…I effed this all up so bad. I just…I don’t know. ”
“Kenz,” she says. “You have to stop beating yourself up. You can’t change it. It’s over. It’s done.”
“It was last night,” I remind her.
“But it’s done,” she says again.
“Yeah,” I huff.
“It sucks, I know. But you knew it was going to happen,” Kaitlynn says. “You’ve still got me though. Well, you’re actually stuck with me. The only way you’ll be done with me is if you off me.”
It elicits a giggle from me, so that’s progress.
“See, you can laugh,” Kaitlynn says. “In all seriousness though, I know it sucks, and it’s going to take time, but it is my job to make you laugh. So get ready.”
“Yeah.” I manage a grin.
“There we go!” Kaitlynn says, and throws an arm around my shoulders and drags me through the parking lot.
My first step doesn’t go so well. My shoe snags on the ledge of the pathway and I almost end up facedown on the concrete.
Almost. Thankfully Kaitlynn tightens her grip just before the momentum can drag us both down.
And then, just as my spirits are finally a tiny fraction bit better, I see Julieta running across the lot in our direction.
I do my best not to sigh as she walks up.
“Hey! Y’all coming tonight?” she asks.
“Coming to…” Kaitlynn answers exactly like I’m thinking.
What’s happening tonight? Not like it matters. Once I get home I’m going exactly nowhere except my bed, where I’m going to stay until morning. And who knows, I might even stay after that.
“The bonfire. At Daniel’s farm! Everyone’s going!” Julieta gushes. Guess I’m not everyone then. “Kadin’s coming! Oh, Kenzie! You could bring Hayden.”
“Maybe…” I grumble.
I see the news hasn’t spread. I’m sort of hoping it doesn’t and people just forget. I don’t want more questions.
“We’ll think about it,” Kaitlynn jumps in. Her eyes sweeping from me back to Julieta. “Just send me the address.”
“Will do!” Julieta gives the thumbs-up and races away, disappearing into another group of our classmates.
“Not thinking about it,” I mumble to Kaitlynn, and start back down the path to my car.
Not in a million years. And obviously Hayden wouldn’t be coming with us if we did go, and the person I’d want to take surely hates me now.
The thought makes me even sadder. Getting to ride with Zachary up to Daniel’s farm and sit cuddled by a fire, almost like that night in the woods…
I huff and try to erase the stupid idea from my head.
It’s pointless, even if I was hoping he’d text me last night when I got home, which was also pointless.
He never did. I don’t know what possessed me to hope he would.
It’s outrageous to think Zachary would even consider speaking to me ever again.
“We obviously don’t have to go, Kenzie,” Kaitlynn says, but a thought blossoms behind my dull eyes.
“Bonfire means alcohol, right?” I ask.
“Uh…maybe,” Kaitlynn says. “Why?”
I don’t say anything. I’ve never had a drink, but why should that stop me?
* * *
The sky is so clear tonight. No clouds, just a dusting of little diamonds obscured only by the massive twenty-foot flames shooting skyward from a mess of logs and branches.
Even from Kaitlynn’s car its heat reaches my skin.
It’s just a touch, but it’s welcome in this winter chill.
And it smells so good. That scent of burning pine needles, which thankfully overpowers the area’s other competing scent: a light skunky stink that can only mean one thing. I guess I should have expected that.
“You sure about this?” Kaitlynn asks.
“Yes,” I say, then shiver. “I need this.”
“Do you though?” she asks.
This isn’t my usual scene, or hers. It’s too big and loud.
I’d prefer a few friends around a little fire, a movie night, maybe a group at Hammy’s.
Not half of Mount Laurel’s student body screaming and making out around a massive campfire that could consume half the mountain if it hadn’t rained recently.
And the sight of people I don’t know isn’t making it any better.
That means other schools! Oh shit! Mitchell High?
Hayden or Zachary might show up! No! I hadn’t prepared for that possibility.
What would I say if they did come? Or would I just avoid them?
What if people think we’re still dating and we have to break the news?
“About to find out.” I shrug like I’m not freaking out inside. “At least we’re not home.”
“Sure.” Kaitlynn doesn’t sound so confident.
“Let’s go,” I groan, and start toward the fire. “Remember the signal if you see them.”
It’s simple. The signal is to repeatedly say run while pushing the other in the opposite direction and eventually to the car. It was Kaitylnn’s idea. She didn’t think she’d catch anything more subtle quickly enough.
“Got it,” she says.
There are so many people. A lot of the faces are familiar, if only vaguely, but most of them don’t know me, or they didn’t before everyone heard I was “dating” Hayden.
Which hopefully means they only know my name and couldn’t match my face to it.
I’d really like to avoid talking to anyone but Kaitlynn, maybe Julieta, or Landon if he shows up, but that’s it.
And I really don’t want to talk to anyone who just wants to ask about Hayden.
All things considered, as much as being here is so not like me and I currently hate it, tonight’s goal is simple.
Avoid people, bask in the fire, and find some alcohol.
There has to be some; this is Daniel’s bonfire.
The only reason he hasn’t been suspended for selling weed at school is because he’s on the starting lineup of the school football team.
Everyone knows he’s where you go for gas.
Surely, that means there will be alcohol too.
“Oh, by Freyja, that feels amazing.” I exhale, letting the heat from the bonfire flow over my skin. “I could stand here all night.”
“I know,” Kaitlynn says. “You could be a bubbling human marshmallow and you’d be okay with it. No wonder you’re not afraid of hell.”