Chapter 36
When Justine came bouncing into his apartment later in the evening, Xavier felt as if spring had returned, the scent of flowers and joy bundled tightly with her.
“What’s the occasion?” he asked as he saw her wide smile.
“I quit today, Xavier. And it was glorious!”
He caught her as she jumped into his arms and twirled her around, captivated by her laughter and her newfound sense of freedom.
“I have never been so happy as I was leaving that awful place behind.”
“Tell me all about it.”
But as she went through her day, he thought about his. Counseling three couples on the verge of divorce and a teen with anxiety hinting at family problems at home.
Ever since hearing his sister’s take on how he didn’t like his mother’s boyfriend, Xavier had been reexamining himself. Looking deeper inside and not liking what he saw.
“Hey, are you okay?” Justine tugged his arm.
They sat at his kitchen table, and he got up to fetch them two lemonades. “Sorry. I’m thirsty.”
“And distracted.”
“Ignore me.” He forced a smile. “I’m being a bad listener, and I hate that. So you really told Frank to shove all those jobs up his ass?”
Her proud smile had his heart racing. Even though they’d committed to dating, he still felt nervous, his heart fluttering when he saw her. Mooning over a girl. How high school.
Yet she got to him the way no one ever had. A love so deep he feared dipping even a toe into its water.
He swallowed down his panic. “What are you going to do now?”
She shrugged. “Finish the new client’s project and call the other one Kenzie gave me. Hunt down more future clients.” She paused. “Maybe start my own business. Katie mentioned us working together. I’m not sure, but… I don’t know. I kind of like the idea of taking charge of my future.”
He felt so proud of her but didn’t want to come across as condescending. “Yeah, that’s how I felt when I joined MYM. I work with other doctors and therapists, but I take my own clients and run my own schedule. Well, mostly. None of us work nights.”
“Heck, I was working day and night for a long time, and it got me nowhere.” She huffed. “What a great team player I was.”
“But you stood up for yourself. I am so happy for you.”
“How happy?”
Despite needing to figure out why he’d been having such a tough time mentally committing to Justine, emotionally, he loved her. And physically… He couldn’t get enough of her.
She stripped him down and had her mouth on him in seconds.
He moaned, lost in lust and love and tired of stressing over it.
Pumping harder, he cupped her head, unsure how he’d lost all control around the woman. She licked and sucked, nibbling under the head of his crown, and he came hard, moaning her name.
What is she doing to me?
He was breathing hard when she stood, stripped, and led him back to his bedroom. He couldn’t be anywhere in his apartment without thinking of her. She’d ingrained herself in his brain, in his bed, in his heart.
Yet a part of him remained distant, unsure why when the pleasure between them was so damn good.
He followed her down to the bed and immediately sought the wet heat between her legs. Feasting on her sex, he pumped a finger, then two inside her, loving how she trembled and sighed his name. He wanted to celebrate with her, to show her how much he cared while the words failed to pass his lips.
He would bring her close but not close enough, edging her several times before he crawled up her body and thrust fast and deep inside her. She keened his name as she came, squeezing him, so that he thrust twice more then came again.
She continued to kiss and hug him, shivering as she experienced that rush of pleasure. A combined meeting of mouths and bodies.
He kissed her back until they lay spent, together.
And he stopped thinking so hard about what everything meant and why he couldn’t make that last step to give Justine what she needed. What she deserved.
Justine had no idea why, but she felt Xavier retreating into himself. It had only been a few days since they’d confessed their feelings, but she felt like she knew him so much better now. And something had been bothering him for a while.
Now dressed and sitting on his couch, they felt like a couple, and also like a couple about to break up. It was so odd.
“Xavier, what’s going on with you? Did I do something?”
He blinked. “What?”
“You seem, I don’t know, like you’re not really here with me.”
He sighed. “Being back at work is taking some getting used to. I need to remember to distance myself from it or I can get kind of depressed.”
“I’m so sorry.”
They held hands, and he squeezed hers before pulling away. But the separation felt more than physical.
“I am too. I think…” He stood and started pacing. In all the time they’d been together, she’d never seen him so frazzled.
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know.” He sounded genuinely confused. “I love being with you. Spending time with you. You make me laugh and feel good. But lately, I don’t feel… I can’t describe it.”
Her stomach dropped. She’d just lost her job—her choice, but still. Was she about to lose him too? What had she done to jinx her life?
“This isn’t you, it’s me.” He gave a sharp laugh. “I know that sounds so trite. But it’s true. Ever since the barbecue at Mom’s, I’ve been processing what Auggie said.”
Justine studied him. “Auggie?” So his distance had nothing to do with her? Why then didn’t she feel any better?
“I feel like maybe I haven’t liked any of my mom’s boyfriends because I’m selfish.
Like, maybe I need her attention or her love all to myself.
But then, I don’t think that’s quite it.
” He kept pacing, and she watched, amused, confused, and angry, because why couldn’t at least one point in her life work in her favor?
He continued, almost talking to himself, “I mean, I love her. I love Auggie. So why do I have a problem with the people I love finding love themselves?” He looked at her. “I think Auggie and Benji might seriously have a relationship going. And it bothers me.”
“The way I bother you?”
“You don’t bother me,” he replied so quickly, with so much honesty, that she believed him.
And she settled, feeling a spark of compassion for this man who tried helping others all the time, and maybe at the cost of himself.
“I don’t bother you, but maybe how you feel about me bothers you.”
“I, no. Well, maybe.”
Yet how did he feel? He’d never actually said he loved her, had he?
Quitting work and putting herself first had freed Justine. Perhaps tomorrow she’d feel differently, but today she knew just what to say, how to feel. And she didn’t regret loving Xavier. Not one bit.
She gave him a sincere smile. “I know I love you. I feel it deep inside.” She patted her chest. “You’ve let me be in charge of our relationship from the beginning. Treated me like an equal and like a person who knows her own worth. And I thank you for that.”
He looked upset. “Are you breaking up with me? This sounds like a breakup speech.”
She laughed, simultaneously sad yet strangely happy. “No. But I’m going to do you a favor. I want you to take charge of this relationship. You tell me what you want when you know what that is. I love you. I’m not afraid to say it or feel it.”
She just looked at him.
Shame crossed his face. “But I am.”
“I think so. I just don’t know why. You’re the most grounded, emotionally mature man I know. You’re not afraid to say what you think or communicate. So why has our relationship changed?”
“It hasn’t.”
“It has.” She knew the truth, could see it in his eyes.
But love made no sense. She knew that. She gave a sad grin.
“WWXD? What would Xavier do? That’s how I’ve decided on some of the choices I’ve made, because you’re such a well-adjusted person.
Probably the most balanced guy I’ve ever dated.
” She stood and kissed him on the cheek.
“Figure out what you want, Xavier. You know how I feel. You should also know I’m taking back control of my life.
And I’m worth someone who can admit how they feel without regret. ”
“I know.” He didn’t look sad as much as baffled, and that gave her hope.
But Justine had things to do. A job to find. A life to figure out.
For herself.
Xavier would have to muddle his way to his own truths. She could only hope they’d bring him back to her.