Chapter 48
FORTY-EIGHT
Professor Princeton wafted his Jo Malone spray around his office and swallowed a mouthful of coffee. He had five minutes before Gracie Davies arrived. He would call Maya again. He glanced at his Racing Post as her answerphone message spoke to him. This was getting strange, he thought, a whole month had passed and she hadn’t picked up. He was so used to her being at his beck and call that he began to worry. What if one of her tricks had hurt her? He would hate to think of her in danger or hurt in any way.
He texted her, put his phone on silent and got his book out ready to take notes when Gracie arrived. He sat at his desk and drained the rest of his coffee. If he were honest, he was missing the young Czech girl. Sex aside, he liked her: her devil-may-care attitude, her flippancy; liked the fact that she had said that she loved him. I mean, what man wouldn’t, really? Especially someone with as big an ego as him. It was never going to go anywhere. It couldn’t. He was old enough to be her father. He would try her phone again when Gracie had gone. Maybe he would even pop by her place with some flowers. Women loved flowers. He would woo her back to his way of thinking. She would start taking his calls again, he was sure. He was starting to understand why all the women he saw with relationship problems found it hard to deal with men who didn’t respond immediately to their texts or calls. Maya’s treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen attitude was certainly working. He wasn’t used to not being in control and realised he didn’t like it. Didn’t like it at all.
Gracie lay on the chaise longue. She had sat and talked with him on the chair before but realised it was easier for her to have her eyes closed. Lying down and not looking at the psychologist made her feel less vulnerable so that she could say more. This was definitely going to be her last session. Miscarriage Matters had become such a big part of her life now and the weekly sessions were getting busier and busier. She and Ed were dating officially; in fact, they were going for dinner that night. His rape case was going to court in two months’ time. He was optimistic that he would be proven innocent.
‘It’s been an age, Gracie.’
‘I know. I can’t believe it’s July already. I just felt the time was right to see you again.’
‘I’m always here, you know that.’
Gracie felt soothed by Scott’s words. ‘I knew the miscarriage sessions would be a success. It’s amazing how many women have appeared out of the woodwork who have suffered losses. It’s been so cathartic for me to talk things through, too.’
‘How are you feeling about that now?’ Scott took a drink of water.
‘I feel that talking about my experience has sort of cleansed me inside. I sometimes leave the hut and cry all the way home, but that in itself is helping me. I’ve also started doing deep yoga-type breathing from my stomach whenever I feel a bit stressed or panicky. It works so well to relieve the stress.’ Gracie sighed deeply.
‘All very positive.’
‘I’m dating Ed, now, remember, the landscaper from the common?’
The professor nodded.
‘Please don’t judge – I can’t believe I can say this so flippantly – but he’s up on a rape charge. But there is no way he did it. He is so caring and gentle with me. Remember me telling you that he was a bit funny the first time we were going to have sex? Well, it all made sense once he told me about what had happened to him.’
‘You are being very grown up about this, Gracie.’
‘I’m communicating, we are communicating and it does make such a difference.’
‘Good, good.’ Scott glanced at his Racing Post . Rightly or wrongly, he had discussed the case with Cynthia over dinner one night and she had more or less said that if the lad was guilty she would eat her hat, so he had dropped all concern for Gracie on this front now.
‘I also went on the most amazing holiday with my sister and nephew to the Caribbean. It really chilled me out.’ Gracie was desperate to tell him about Leo Grant but her allegiance to her sister was too strong for her to give anything away even in the safety of a therapy session.
‘That’s excellent news. I always feel taking a holiday allows you to kick-start a new beginning.’ Scott noticed a horse called Coconut Hooves and ringed it with this red pen.
‘Yes, it has felt like that, with the new job and everything. Something else major happened since I last saw you, too.’
‘Go on.’
‘Closure with Lewis.’
‘Really?’
‘He proposed, you see,’ Gracie said matter-of-factly.
‘OK?’ Scott nodded slowly. ‘And closure, really?’
‘Yes, it was in the street, not anywhere romantic, on Wimbledon High Street, actually.’
‘And how did that make you feel?’
‘Sad, weird, confused. Wishing he could have done it a year earlier in different circumstances.’
‘Oh, for there to be a textbook of how life should really go, eh, Gracie?’ Scott sighed.
‘I know. It’s so depressing. I ran. Ran as fast as I could. And fell over.’
‘You ran?’
‘Yes.’
‘What were you running from, though, Gracie?’
‘The situation, my feelings, I guess. I went to tell him about the IVF being paid off. I wasn’t going to be cross. I wanted it to be nice, to say goodbye, hold my head up and walk away. But I thought about him with the woman he slept with and I felt so hurt again that I just couldn’t stop myself. Why couldn’t I just hold my head up high? Walk away with respect, instead of going on like some mad fishwife?’
‘There are no rights or wrongs, Gracie. We would all love to be able to deal with situations in the “correct way” but when strong feelings are involved that’s not always easy. I think it’s good to show the emotion. Hold it in and it manifests itself in other ways, not always good ones.’
‘He was being really caring about the babies. I couldn’t cope. I wanted him to have been like that when it happened.’
‘What couldn’t you cope with?’
‘Him expressing his emotions to me, I guess. Knowing that because he cheated I can’t cave in. It’s too little, too late, though. And although he is the person closest to me, and he went through it with me, it feels he’s now the furthest away.’
‘Was there not one part of you that wanted to say yes to his proposal, Gracie?’ Scott probed.
Gracie turned her head to the wall.
‘It wouldn’t be right. Not after what’s happened.’ Scott didn’t push as Gracie continued. ‘I haven’t seen or heard from him for ages now. He turned up at the event hut and saw me with Ed, and he stropped off. He’s such a proud man, I know that that’s it for us now.’
‘What, he ran off just like you did in the high street?’
‘Yes, closure.’
‘And are you glad of that… that closure?’
‘In a way, yes. It’s been months now since his indiscretion. We both need to move on. I’ve moved on. I’m seeing Ed, aren’t I?’
‘Do you see you and Ed as a long-term relationship, then?’
‘Initially I did but, as time is moving on, I don’t know. He is lovely and does seem to care genuinely for me. And we go to nice restaurants, have great sex and we do laugh.’
‘What is the but?’ Scott paused. ‘Do you love him?’
‘I love being with him and, for now, that’s enough for me.’
‘Are you sure?’
Gracie tutted. ‘Professor Princeton, I don’t know. I feel confused again, now. Too many bloody questions.’
Scott suppressed a smile. ‘That is kind of what you pay me for.’
Gracie harrumphed. ‘I haven’t been with him long enough. And to be really honest I’m frightened of getting hurt again. Ed gives me fun company, good sex and I don’t feel alone. Isn’t that the basis of a good relationship, anyway? It’s all a bit different from with Lewis, though.’
‘Why’s that?’
‘Because Lewis was my mate, my baby maker.’
‘And you were in love with him?’
‘Oh God, yes, you know that, but now I have to think differently about men and the relationships I have.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I can’t have children. I don’t need a mate – I need a lover and a partner who is going to want to be with just me. No family required. It’s almost liberating because I don’t have to follow the traditional route that people go through. I can go for any age, a free spirit, poor or rich.’
‘But surely you could fall in love with any of those people, regardless of whether you can have children or not. Lgracove decides, not you, Gracie.’
‘But we make choices to cement our paths, surely?’
‘Yes, of course, but if you open up your heart you could fall in love with anybody. But what you are saying is brilliant. You have no constrictions now. You can fall in love with anyone you want. The romantic in me says that should be the case anyway. Look around you, Gracie, the world isn’t full of perfection. There are not many perfect relationships. Kids or no kids. Everybody has their own story to tell.’
‘I guess the reason I’m being non-committal at the moment about Ed is that he is just thirty-two. As much as he says he hasn’t even thought about kids yet, I’m sure he will and then I’ll be cast aside.’
‘Not if he thinks about adopting them with you. You’re a great girl. You’re fun, you’re pretty. Love outweighs a lot of things. Ed would be a fool not to keep you very close.’
‘That’s so sweet of you to say. We’re going on holiday to Cornwall soon, I’m really excited.’
‘Well, that’s commitment right there. But Gracie, please do pitch your self-esteem higher from now on. Believe you are amazing, because you are. And if Ed’s urge to have children is stronger than his feelings for you, well, it’ll be his loss.’ He cleared his throat. ‘It’s time for my next client, I’m afraid.’
Gracie sat on the edge of the chaise.
‘Thank you for today. I know everything will be all right. It has to be.’
‘We don’t know that but everything will be as it will be. You’re doing well. Look how far you’ve come. You’ve got a job you love, where you are helping people and helping yourself, and a new man to boot.’
‘I know. I just need to find some peace within.’
‘Just keep working on you and you will. And just text me if you want another session – you know where I am.’ Scott shuffled some papers on his desk. ‘I meant to ask, have you seen your friend lately? You know, Maya, the girl you were exercising with?’
‘Actually, not for a while, I’ve been so busy with the new venture. Why do you ask?’ Gracie looked at him quizzically.
‘Oh, she seemed like she was good for you.’
Gracie laughed. ‘Yes. Maybe not such a good moral influence, but I really must call her.’
‘You do that.’
When they’d said goodbye, Scott sat back at his desk. Four long weeks since he’d been able to get hold of Maya. Four long weeks to realise it wasn’t actually the sex he was missing – it was her.