17. Chapter 17
Chapter seventeen
-Bryce-
I held completely still as he molded himself against me. My back was to his chest, our legs curved together…and my ass was pressed into his groin.
“Is this alright?” he asked, his breath tickling my ear.
I cleared my throat and tried to speak in a normal voice. “Um, yes, this is…good.”
Thank god he couldn’t see my face.
He made a low noise in his chest and it passed through my back as a deep rumbling vibration. His warmth seeped into me through my suit, and, against all odds, I actually found myself relaxing.
Since the accident, sleep had not been my friend, and when it did come, it brought terrors with it. But after the events of the day, I was absolutely exhausted. My eyelids felt like they weighed ten pounds. Despite the fact I was being spooned by a seven-foot alien, my eyes drifted closed.
Darkness.
Darkness edged in on all sides. Unseen things moved beneath its surface, barely brushing against my perception before sinking back into the depths. Horrible things. Unseen monsters with rancid breath and hungry eyes. Terror gripped me like a fist, squeezing until I couldn’t breathe.
I was trapped. The ground beneath me was thick like tar, sucking me down, holding me fast, allowing the smallest of movements with the greatest of effort, but never enough to actually make a difference. Not enough to turn and see the things lurking behind me.
In the distance, I could hear voices calling, shouting. A familiar figure drawing close, but when I screamed, it just turned away.
There was no escape. I was alone. I thrashed and pulled at my legs, but the ground had swallowed them whole.
The things in the darkness drew closer, closer, closer—
I lurched up, cold with sweat, gasping air into my tortured lungs. Someone, or something, was grabbing me, dragging me down, trying to pull me under. I shouted and thrashed against the terror. There was a deep voice, and I twisted towards it. A strange face came into focus, barely visible in the dim light, the head and shoulders an outline in subtle blue against the darker shadows of the rocks.
Confused, I flinched away, before realization settled in.
I was safe. I was in a cave, with Kitari, and I had been asleep with him curled around me. I was safe. How insane that I should feel safe here.
He knelt in front of me, gripping my shoulders and staring into my face with alarm.
“What is wrong?” Kitari asked, alarmed. “Bryce Bryce Gunner, what is wrong?”
I sucked in deep breaths and sagged in his grip, rubbing my face. “Nothing.”
“You are not hurt?”
“No, I’m fine. It’s just, it’s stupid. It was just a dream.”
He studied my face, still alarmed, still gripping me so hard I could feel the pressure through the plasteel armor on my shoulders. He watched me for a while as I got my breath back and tried to calm down. I couldn’t have been asleep long; I was still exhausted. But I knew from experience I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep after that. The terrors always left me too wired, and adrenaline pumped through me, making me twitchy.
“I’m sorry I woke you up,” I said.
Faint light reflected in his sharp, golden eyes. It felt like the world was holding its breath, waiting for something to happen.
“I’m fine,” I said again.
Kitari kept on staring at me for a moment longer, then released my shoulders. I eased myself back until my back was pressed against cold, damp stone, and leaned against it.
“You do not seem fine,” he said quietly.
Humans didn’t stare that long at you without looking away. It was strange, like he wasn’t just looking at the surface level of my skin and face but could see directly inside my soul. Maybe it was the dark, the receding terror, my hammering heart, and my spinning head, but it felt like the first time anyone had actually looked at me and really seen me. We gazed at each other in the darkness.
And then, after a moment, I started talking, the words just falling out of my mouth, like he was drawing them out of me with his eyes. Drawing the truth out of me like a holy confession.
“I was on a mission,” I said. “On K-Lash-4 with my team. It was an easy one, nothing to write home about, nothing I hadn’t done a thousand times before. At least, that was how it was supposed to be.” I finally broke the sustained eye contact and looked down. “I made a mistake. I really enjoy what I do, and I’ve always been good at it. I guess I got carried away. Too cocky. I was stupid and it all happened so quickly, it’s a bit of a blur. But I remember we were supposed to be heading back to the shuttle after clearing the area before some colonists were due to move there. There’d been sightings of some dangerous creatures.
“I was with my team, but we got split up. Chief had told us to stick to this one path, but I ended up going a different way, and I didn’t try to find my way back, not right away.” I licked my lips. “There was a shallow, rocky valley. I slipped. Something must have shifted, because I got stuck with my leg pinned under a rock. I couldn’t get out. And I couldn’t radio for help, the comm had stopped working. I tried to shift the rock, but it wasn’t going anywhere. It hurt so much I think I passed out for a bit. I tried calling out, but I was too far away.
“It got dark, and I could feel these creatures out there, waiting. I had my weapon. I fired a few times. Each flash lit them up just enough for me to see them moving back, before it all went dark again. I’ve never been so scared in my life. It was like a nightmare. Anytime one of them got close, I blasted it and they’d fall back. It went on for I don’t know how long. Hours. It felt like years. My guys found me eventually, although I must have been out of it. My leg was completely crushed, and I’d lost a lot of blood, so I wasn’t entirely with it.”
Kitari sat in silence, drawing it all out of me like poison out of a wound.
“The funny thing is, it was only after it was gone that I realized it was my favorite leg.” I laughed sadly. “I didn’t know you could have a favorite leg, legs are legs, but I guess I did. I had this scar up my ankle from when I was a kid and got caught on a spiked fence. I can’t remember why I was trying to climb over it, I was always climbing stuff and running around, making the other kids race me. I just had to hang there until one of the social workers at the home came and fished me down. I always hated that scar, but it was my scar, my history.”
I traced the line up the ankle of my prosthetic leg. “And I had this birthmark, just a brown splat, on my heel. When I was a kid, I’d imagine my parents coming and finding me again, and knowing it was really me because of the birthmark. You know, like the whole stupid Cinderella thing.” I glanced at him. Of course, he didn’t know what Cinderella was, but he didn’t say anything. “I guess they’ll just have to take my word for it now, if they ever do show up.
“The thing is, I woke up in the infirmary and…my leg was just gone. When I asked where it was, they said they’d incinerated it. It didn’t exist anymore. I’d walked around on it my whole life and then...I don’t know. I feel like you should maybe ask a guy before you set fire to his leg. I know it sounds stupid but…I miss it. It had been part of me, but now it just ends above the knee.”
I’d never told anyone about all of this. Everyone who was there already knew, and anyone who wasn’t didn’t need to know. I was the happy-go-lucky optimist, that was the person everyone had accepted, that was the person I had to be. What would happen if I wasn’t that person anymore? If I wasn’t suitable for the job? What did I have?
But I didn’t need to prove myself to Kitari. It felt good to finally say it all out loud, like a weight lifting off my chest.
He was still focused on me. From what I could make out of his expression in the gloom, he looked sad. Not pity like Clyde. Or hero worship like O’Neill. Or awkwardly avoiding the subject like Rand. He looked as if it was him who had been hurt. And it felt kinda comforting.
Finally, he spoke. “A part of you is gone. It is right to mourn it.”
And that was it. He just accepted it. Heat prickled at my eyes, and I swallowed around a lump in my throat.
“I am sorry that you lost your leg. But I am glad that you survived.”
“Thanks,” I said wetly. “It’s a good leg. One of the cool things about it is that it never gets tired, it never gets muscle strain, it never cramps, it never pulls a tendon. I can keep running and running and running, and it never gets worn out. It’s the rest of me that lets me down now. If only my other leg could keep up.” I laughed weakly. “Maybe I should get that one cut off too.”
There was another long pause. I usually hated silences, I always felt like I had to fill them, and that if I wasn’t filling them, it was me falling short. But this felt different. It felt comfortable. Like we were both just there. Together.
“Why are your people really here?” Kitari said. It didn’t sound like an accusation, but a genuine question. One he deserved a genuine answer to.
“Our orders are to get Clay back. And to find out if your people are dangerous.” I gave him a weak smile. Saying it reminded me of why I was here. In the darkness of the caves and the warmth of Kitari, I had drifted away from it. I was on a mission. I was a soldier with orders, and I couldn’t forget them, no matter how enticing I found Kitari. And I had to admit that I did, dangerously so. How could I not when he was so damn nice and so damn attractive?
Yes, I trusted Kitari for some reason, but that didn’t change anything. I still had my objectives.
He tilted his head. “What do you think?”
I paused before replying and met his eyes. “I don’t think you’re dangerous. But what happened to Clay is scary. People said he was mind-controlled, or brainwashed.”
Kitari frowned. “We do not control minds.”
“Then why didn’t he leave with his crew? Why won’t you let him go?”
“Clay does not want to leave.”
I blinked at him. “What?”
“We are not holding him here against his will. He stays because he wants to. He is happy with Arcay.”
That didn’t fit with my intel at all. Kitari hadn’t hidden anything or lied to me so far—that I was aware of, at least. That could just mean that he was good at it, but I didn’t feel like that was true.
“Why would he want to stay here?” I asked. Kitari raised an eyebrow, and I realized how that sounded. “Not that it isn’t a great place to live or anything, I’m sure. Carnivorous predators aside.”
“He is with his mate, why would he want to leave? What more could he ask for in life than to be with his soul partner.” His eyes burned into me, and I looked away. To be honest, the question threw me. I had always been looking for where I fit into the universe. A soul partner sounded…nice.
“Even if that’s true, I don’t know if my team will believe it. They’ll want to see him themselves.”
“My people will not allow that,” Kitari said. “They will not allow invaders into our city. And our Second will not risk losing his mate.”
I thought for a moment. “Ok, well, what about just me?”
“You?”
“I could get his account and then relay it back to my team. They would believe me. You’re taking me back to your city anyway, as your prisoner.”
He hesitated, looking almost embarrassed in the low light. “You are not my prisoner .“ He thought for a moment. “They may allow it. I can vouch that your actions are not devious.”
“Certainly not devious,” I laughed, as warmth spread in my chest at the thought of spending more time with Kitari. This new plan of action meant I didn’t have to try to escape him for the sake of the mission. And if I also enjoyed spending the extra time with him, well… that wouldn’t matter.
***
With each new cave we passed through, I realized just how deep we were under the ground. If I had fallen alone, no one would ever have seen me again. And with each cave, my gratitude for Kitari grew.
We stopped often, Kitari complaining that his feet hurt, his legs were tired, his eyes had grown sore. And, every time, I fell down gratefully, resting my good leg, and the warmth grew more. Then he would go off and search for more salty plants and water. Each time, it took him longer and longer to return, and I wondered just how far he was going to find them, and how fast he could have freed himself from these caves if I wasn’t slowing him down. But he never complained about my speed, never strayed too far ahead. Never made me feel like the thing I feared the most; a burden.
It was impossible to tell the passing of time down here in the caves. We slept a few times, but that wasn’t anything to go on. We fell into an easy companionship—I helped Kitari with his Panlin pronunciations, and he told me the Aldarian word for the plants and rocks we passed.
At one point, he asked me in his mischievous manner, “What are the foulest words in your own language?”
“Panlin doesn’t have a lot of curse words—“
“Not Panlin, your own language.”
“English?”
“ Ingleesh ,“ he repeated.
I told him about where I was from—the United Pacific Nations on Earth—and my native language. He was hungry for all of the information, taking everything I told him with a ravenous eagerness. He relished learning all of the worst curse words I could think of in as many languages as I knew and taught me some of his own favorites.
“Khunt. Fuck. Sheet. Bools. Barsturd. Asss.”
I didn’t swear much; they had been very strict about it at the home, and I guess it had stuck. It always felt naughty and thrilling, but hearing him repeat the words with gusto in his strong accent was hilarious, and I laughed so hard at one point I had to sit down.
We were just perfecting his pronunciation of the word ‘cocksucker’ when Kitari stopped me mid-step with a hand on my chest.
“What is it?”
He cocked his head, listening to something, and then smiled. “This way.”
As we continued, I registered a distant noise. It was quiet at first, echoing eerily through the caves, and grew to a roar as we drew closer. I glanced at Kitari, who was striding ahead with confidence.
“What is that?”
“The way out,” he said.
We ducked under a low-ceilinged passageway and into a narrow tunnel that bent sharply ahead. Light that wasn’t blue , I noted, shone around the bend on damp rock. The glimmer of daylight. I had grown used to the low light, and, as we drew closer, it brightened so much it stung my eyes. I raised my hand and squinted. The roar was deafening now. A constant pounding rumble that shook the rocks around me.
We rounded the bend, and I was confronted with the source of the noise. The tunnel ended abruptly in a wall of white rushing water that thundered down, kicking up a fine spray that soaked me in seconds. Besides that, I couldn’t see any other openings or ways out.
It was so loud I had to lean in and shout into Kitari’s ear. “Where’s the way out?”
He grinned and pointed directly into the torrent of water.
Of course.
“I was afraid you were going to say that.”