Hannah #4
I don’t know what I really expected it to look like, maybe oversized prints of babies hanging on the walls and photographs of happy looking couples holding their baby between them.
I do love Dean, deep down I know that, but my emotions are all over the place.
I’ve been on my own for so long, the idea of being tethered to someone, even if that someone is Dean, still makes me feel like running.
And not to mention the fear of losing someone that I love again.
I don’t realize I’ve been rubbing my stomach until my name is called, pulling me from my anxious thoughts.
Following the short blonde dressed in scrubs down the hallway, I try to take controlled breaths, attempting to calm my racing heart.
My body moves on auto pilot as I strip out of my jeans and boots, hopping up on the table and covering myself with the white sheet. It doesn’t take too long before a woman knocks on the door stepping in and softly closing it behind her.
“Hi, Hannah.” Her voice is so calm and reassuring that I want to break down and cry. “I’m Tammy.”
It takes me a few tries to clear the ball of emotion from my throat. “Thank you for seeing me so quickly.”
“Of course! Now Owen gave me a little bit of information, but of course I want to hear it from you.” Taking a seat on the rolling stool, Tammy places her hands in her lap and looks up at me with kind eyes.
For a moment, I stare back at her, unsure what to say.
Finally, I toss my head back and start from the beginning.
“I honestly didn’t foresee Dean and I becoming anything more than just a summer fling, and I really should have thought about the unprotected sex!
” I say angrily, running a hand over my face.
“Hannah.” Tammy scoots closer to me, taking my hand in hers. “There are options for you if this isn’t what you want.”
Shaking my head, I sit up and turn towards her.
“I do. I really do.” I make myself meet her gaze.
“I didn’t know how much I wanted to have a family until I found out about the baby.
” She listens intently while I tell her about my parents’ death, and before I know it, I’m sobbing in front of this stranger who feels like a friend I’ve known my entire life.
It’s strange to me to open up to someone I just met, but the words I wanted to say to Jodie, but couldn’t, seem so much easier to say to someone who isn’t so close to the situation.
“Tell me what you love about Dean. It’s obvious you see a future with him, although that may not look so clear while you’re in the thick of it.”
Tammy holds out a tissue to me and I take it offering her a kind smile that I’m sure looks a bit unhinged through my tear stained face.
“Ah, that man.” I wipe another tear off my cheek, not even trying to fight the smile that fills my face.
“Something about him just draws me to him. Like he knows my every intention without me telling him. He knows when I need him and when I need my space. He makes me feel worthy and capable. Dean never challenges me or questions me when it comes to my dreams and goals. He’s supportive in that quiet kind of way, as if he knows I’m competent enough to handle myself.
It’s refreshing to have a partner who can be supportive yet still push you to be your best.”
“Hold on to that, Hannah. It’s rare to find someone who echoes your inner self.
” We sit for a moment before Tammy motions for me to lie down and walks me through the next steps.
“First, we looked over the bloodwork we took while you were waiting. I’m so sorry you experienced what you did last night.
” I open my mouth but she rests her hand on mine, “I don’t know all the details and it’s best that way.
But we don’t see any of the drug remaining in your system, which means that most likely it didn’t have any effect on your baby.
But I do want to take a little peek to make sure everything looks good on the scan and then I’ll send you with some papers about what to expect before we meet again. ”
I can’t help but bite my lip nervously while Tammy wheels over the ultrasound cart and squeezes the clear jelly on my stomach.
Time seems to slow down as I watch the wand move over my stomach, ears straining for any sound.
A steady thump, thump, thump fills the room and my hands instantly fly to my mouth, a tiny little flicker filling the screen.
“There we go,” Tammy says through a smile, pointing out the tiny heart beginning to grow inside me.
“It’ll be a while before your baby looks like anything but a jelly bean, but everything looks fantastic.
I’ll add to your notes to keep an eye on any lasting effects from last night, but from this first look I’d say everything is golden. ”
Tears continued to stream down my face well after I gave Tammy a fierce hug and tucked the papers into my bag.
I stare at the black and white scans in my hand from my seat in my truck, letting the cool air conditioning dry my face.
Running a hand over the picture of my baby, I feel something click inside me.
Something that just feels complete, whole.