27. Denton
DENTON
Iwas so off tonight and the audience was feeding off my energy. Johnny and Grady kept making eye contact with me and I can tell they’re pissed. I just can’t get out of this funk no matter how hard I try.
I fired Emily right before the show. I was done with her shit and I don’t care that we won’t have a tour manager. We don’t need her anymore. We did it all ourselves before. I’m sure we’ll make it work.
I know that’s why Sorrel is being odd. Emily has been picking on her since the start of the tour. I’m sure having Charli here stirred up more drama.
During the entire show, all I could think about was wanting to talk to Sorrel and figure out what was going through that beautiful mind of hers.
It wasn’t just Sorrel though. I’m already feeling burnout approaching and we’re only a couple months into this tour. Maybe I got too used to living a slower life. Doesn’t matter though, I’ve gotta see it through. I signed a contract and there’s no getting out of this.
Ticket sales have been great, and our fans are amazing—I really shouldn't be complaining. There’re a thousand other artists that would kill to be in our position. I feel guilt-ridden for even feeling this way.
When I sang the last song on the set list, I walked right off the stage. No autographs or goodbyes. I had to get out of there—out of the spotlight.
My chest feels tight and my breathing is shallow. I rush past everyone standing around back stage, including Sorrel. I can’t be around anyone right now.
I make it to my dressing room and slam the door shut. Sinking to the floor and slamming my head against the wall, I try to catch my breath. What the fuck is this? A damn panic attack?
I haven’t had one since I was a kid. The last one was when my mom and dad got into a huge fight and I tried to break it up.
I was a lot smaller back then and he threw us both around like rag dolls.
I remember feeling so hopeless—he was so much bigger than me—there was nothing I could do to stop him.
My mom found me in my bedroom curled up in a ball in the midst of a full-blown panic attack.
I remember thinking I was dying. I recognize the signs now, so I know I’m not having a heart attack.
There’s a soft knock at the door.
“Denton?” I hear Sorrel's sweet voice behind the door.
I try to breathe and get the words out. “Come—” Gasp. “In.”
She slowly opens the door, peeking her head in first.
“Oh my gosh, are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I say through shortened breaths. I attempt a fake smile, but she ain’t buying it.
Sorrel's eyes are dark with worry. I can tell by the stiff way she’s holding herself she doesn't know what to do. She’s scared to touch me. I open up my arm inviting her to come sit next to me. She hesitates and then slowly sits down like I’m a rabid animal who might attack at any moment.
“It’s just a panic attack,” I say, reassuring her. “It’ll pass.” My voice is gravel as I try to get the words out.
“Can I get you anything?”
“No, just sit here with me please.”
I wanted to be alone but I actually feel better having her here. She matches her breathing to mine and we both take in long deep breaths slowly letting them out.
“I’m sorry you have to see me like this.”
“Denton, don’t ever be sorry for that. It just proves you're human.”
I chuckle at that. “Yeah, that easy confidence thing I try to portray isn’t always the case,” I admit to her.
It’s part of my job to be confident and portray a certain look. Sorrel sees the real me. The ugly, the doubt, the fear, hesitation, all of it.
I look at her. “Are you leaving me?”
I don’t know why I ask her that. Something in my gut just tells me she is.
She looks down at her lap, brows knitting. “I’m going home with Charli tomorrow.”
I just nod. I don’t fight her on it because I get it. If I could go back to what she has, I would too. It breaks my heart but I understand.
“It’s not why you think.”
“You don’t have to explain yourself, Sorrel. I get it.”
“Yes, I do. You deserve to know why. Emily, she was right—”
I practically growl when I hear her mention her name.
“Don’t you dare listen to a fucking thing that chick says. I fired her before the show tonight.”
Her brows fly up to her forehead. “You did?”
“Yeah, I wanted her gone the first day she stepped foot on our bus. We’re out a tour manager now but we’ll make do. I’ll just have a little more on my plate.”
She shakes her head in disbelief.
“If that’s the reason you’re leaving—”
“It’s not,” she says, cutting me off. “Well, it's part of it, but it’s not the only reason. I’ve loved being here with you but I miss my simple life back at the ranch.
I don’t want to hold you back or be a distraction.
” She pauses, then continues on. “Denton, these people love you. Your shows get bigger each city we’re in.
You're a star and I’m just a cowgirl who lives a quiet life and that’s all I want. ”
“I want that too. I mean I’m grateful for all of this and it’s what I’ve always dreamed of, but now that I have it, I’m not sure anymore.”
“You can’t just walk away from this.”
I run my hands through my hair in frustration. “No, I can’t, but there’s gotta be some middle ground.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m not sure just yet but I’ll figure it out. If going home is what you need, Sorrel, don’t let me hold you back.”
She purses her lips. “Okay, so I guess that’s it then. I’m going home.”
I bite my tongue. It’s not fair of me to ask her to stay. I don't want to say the wrong thing either and make her feel worse than I know she already does.
“Let’s head back to the bus,” I tell her, taking her hand in mine as we stand up.
—
The next morning Johnny and Charli come rolling into the bus—smiles beaming and all over each other. Well at least someone had a good night.
I let Sorrel have the bunk to herself and I slept on the couch.
She had been distant once we got back on the bus and I wanted to give her space and time to think.
I needed the same. Just because she’s leaving doesn’t mean this is over between us.
It will just take a little more effort on both our ends. Relationships are give and take, right?
The rest of her bags are sitting by the door and Dash is curled up on top of one of them.
There’s no way he’s getting left behind.
I’ll miss that little guy. I enjoyed having our little mascot while we were on tour.
He even got to come out on stage at one of the smaller shows when we were in Oklahoma.
Sorrel is already dressed and ready to leave. Her hair is in a long braid and she has on a ball cap, tank top, and her usual jeans. She looks gorgeous as always in an effortless kind of way.
“You about ready to hit the road?” Charli calls out to Sorrel. She’s sitting on Johnny’s lap, sipping on an iced coffee.
“Yeah, just about—Denton, can we talk before I leave?”
I rush over to her. “Yeah, of course. Let’s go outside.”
She follows me out and we sit in the two lounge chairs set up. She has already taken down Dash’s pen. Rubbing her hands down her pants, she says, “I’m sorry this didn’t work out, Denton.”
I take both her hands into mine. “Hey, look at me.”
Her blue eyes are glossy as she does. “Don’t worry. It’s going to be okay. We’ll make it work,” I tell her.
“What do you mean? I thought last night—you said—I mean I thought we were done.”
“What? No, I mean I’m not done. Unless you are?”
My shoulders drop and my head falls down to the floor. I feel actual tears in the back of my eyes. Is this it? Is she breaking up with me?
I pictured forever with her. I feel sick to my stomach and a million thoughts run through my mind. I can’t imagine my life without her now. But if she doesn’t want me, then there’s nothing I can do.