Chapter 17
STERLING DRESSED nicely and waited for Connor to arrive. He breezed inside with sandwiches, and Sterling got a couple of sodas and took them to the table. “You remembered I like egg salad.” He smiled at the plate Connor had placed in front of him.
“It’s not homemade. I got it at the deli downtown.” Connor checked his watch and ate quickly. “I’m sorry I’m so late. My meeting ran late at work, and I had to get home to change and—”
Sterling placed his hand on Connor’s knee. “Just relax. You have nothing to be worried about.”
“Other than whatever my great-aunt has cooked up.” Connor wiped his lips with his napkin and finished the sandwich and the soda. “She told me I had to be there, which can only mean that somehow she has decided to interfere. I love Aunt Lucille dearly, but there are times when she scares me. And that’s when she’s trying to help.”
Sterling groaned. “I know. Lord help us all if she gets angry with us. I somehow doubt that either of us would survive the onslaught.” He meant the comment to be humorous, but he had no doubt that she could be as formidable as a mother tiger. He finished his sandwich and took care of the dishes. “Ready to head into the breach… as it were.”
Connor nodded. “Let’s get this over with.” They left by the back and went out the gate and just down the alley before using the side entrance to Borough Hall. The council members milled around in the chamber, and Connor excused himself to talk with them. Sterling, meanwhile, found seats down front and picked up the agenda for the evening. It seemed like a rather ordinary meeting. Connor joined him as others filled in the seats.
“Are you Mr. Hillyard?” a man asked, and Connor nodded as they made introductions. They spoke quietly until the meeting was called to order.
The beginning formalities were completed, and the community issues portion of the meeting where individual citizens could bring issues before the council began.
“I reviewed the minutes of the last council meeting, and I believe they demonstrate illegal campaign activities,” Aunt Lucille said as she stood from her chair.
“Excuse me,” the mayor said from the center of the council dais. “I believe—”
“The attorney should be consulted, but from the minutes, it seems the mayor has used his official platform—and a borough board meeting—to campaign. I refer to the council notes, page four, paragraphs two, three, and four.” Aunt Lucille turned to the attorney. “I have copies for you if you need them.” She stepped forward and handed them over. “These paragraphs demonstrate our mayor campaigning and impugning his opponent during an official council meeting.” She put her hands on her hips, glaring at the mayor. “This cannot be done, as it is official time.”
The attorney leafed through the pages. “I have to agree.”
“Therefore,” Aunt Lucille continued without hesitation, “it is my proposal that the council take up a resolution to reprimand the mayor for his behavior to ensure it doesn’t happen again.”
Sterling swallowed. Joan of Arc had nothing on Lucille Hillyard when her back was up. The way she stood there, all of heaven and hell would be scared to death of her.
“He has broken the law, and that cannot be ignored. It is up to the people of Carlisle to determine whether they wish to remove him from office for such a breach, but I believe the council should not and cannot let this blatant disregard for the law slide by.” Aunt Lucille slowly sat down, and the council and chambers hummed with whispered discussion. The mayor looked either apoplectic or about ready to give birth to a hippo. It was hard to tell which.
“Should I say something?” Connor asked.
“I’d let Lucille fight this battle and stay out of it. This has nothing to do with you, and you shouldn’t react. Just sit and watch. Keep your expression bland,” Sterling whispered. This must not appear to be something Connor had anything to do with, and Sterling hoped Connor would take his advice.
“Is it not true that you are the great-aunt of my opponent?” the mayor questioned, leaning forward slightly in accusation.
Aunt Lucille got to her feet and walked to the speaker’s lectern. She moved slowly, as though she were in pain, and damned if she didn’t appear sympathetic as hell. The Royal Shakespeare Company had nothing on her performance. “The law has been violated, and the proof is in the council minutes. It matters not who I am. Anyone could bring this matter to the council’s attention.” She swayed a little but held herself upright. “This isn’t a question of politics but of breaking the rules… and getting caught.” She held the sides of the lectern, holding the gaze of the council, not a hint of smugness in sight.
“Ma’am,” the deputy mayor said, “I believe that you have a valid point. I propose that the council get a full opinion from our lawyer before we continue and table this point until the next meeting, when we will take up whatever disciplinary action should be taken.” There was agreement, and the council voted and prepared to move on.
The mayor appeared as sour as a lemon and faltered, seemingly unable to get back to the business at hand. Sterling might have felt sorry for him if the guy hadn’t brought this on himself. And if not for the fact that after nearly twenty years in office, he should have known better.
“Thank you. I’d also like to propose that all candidates for the mayor’s office be invited to an open forum where the people of Carlisle can meet the candidates. After all, this is the highest office in our town. We should be able to speak and get to know the candidates better.”
The deputy mayor turned to the legal expert, who leaned forward. “The borough council cannot be directly involved in a political campaign. However, I see nothing wrong with holding a forum as long as all candidates are welcome to attend. I do suggest that the candidates meet to discuss a date and time. This council chamber could be used for the event.” He leaned back, and it now seemed the mayor could barely function.
“Very good,” the deputy mayor said. “Now I suggest we return to the items on our official agenda.”
The mayor seemed to find himself and called for the next item on the agenda, and the council moved on. Sterling shared a smile with Connor, but they said nothing more. Connor paid attention to the proceedings. Sterling spent much of the meeting watching Connor and the way his focus didn’t waver for more than a few seconds, even when they seemed to talk in circles. Few items were dispensed with quickly, and most took a great deal of discussion, which bored Sterling to tears. If he hadn’t been near Connor, watching him, occasionally catching a waft of his scent in the ever-more-stifling room in which fewer and fewer people stayed as the business went on, he would never have stayed until the end.
Finally the meeting was adjourned, and the council members stood and prepared to leave. Connor smartly stayed where he was, and a few members came over to talk to him.
“I’m glad you came but said nothing,” Brent Woodridge said. The only reason that Sterling knew his name was because of the name plate that he’d sat behind for hours.
“It seems my great-aunt is able to do plenty of talking on her own,” Connor said gently.
“Did you know what she was going to do?” Brent asked.
Connor shook his head. “No. Because I’m a candidate for office, I decided to attend all meetings until the election so I could become familiar with the business before the council. She didn’t share with me what she was going to say.”
“I find that hard to believe,” the mayor snipingly interjected as he pressed into the group. “I’m willing to bet this was all planned to—”
“What?” Brent asked as he turned. “Discredit you? Bring to light your illegal behavior? You made the council appear foolish with your outburst last month, and you were cautioned. Now it’s become an issue for the entire council, and we’re not going to have much choice in our course of action.” He glared, and the mayor actually took a step back.
“I will not withdraw. This town needs decency and morality, not calendar boys.” He turned on his heel and strode out of the room.
Sterling bit his lower lip to keep from saying something Connor might regret.
“He plays dirty,” Brent said very quietly. “If there is anything in your past for him to find, he’ll dig it up. And if he can’t find anything, he’ll put two and three together, come up with ten, and present it as fact. He’s done it in the past.”
“And a snake will strike when it’s cornered,” Connor added with surprising ease. “I’m aware of his past and that it is likely to repeat itself. The thing is, I don’t have all that interesting a past, and that has to frustrate him. The most interesting thing I’ve ever done was pose for that calendar with Sterling.” His smile sent heat through Sterling, and he wished they were home rather than in the back of the borough council chamber.
“Still, be careful,” Brent cautioned and said goodbye.
Sterling and Connor followed him out of the building and walked around the side toward the alley, then down to the back gate of Sterling’s house.
“I should go on home,” Connor told him once they were inside and the gate was closed behind them. “I have a lot of work to do, it’s late, and I’m sure you have appointments in the morning.” He leaned closer. “I want to stay, more than anything.”
“Then do.”
Connor paused. “I can’t….” He pulled away. “Something Brent said has me wondering. If the mayor can’t find something on me, he may come after you. We haven’t hidden that we’re involved, and he may try to hurt you to get to me. It’s pretty obvious that he has no scruples.”
Sterling had thought of that. “Don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself, and if he wants to dig in my past, we know what he’s going to find… and so do you.” He suppressed a shiver. He did know what was going to be found, and that old video that had made the rounds of the internet a few years ago was likely to find the light of day once again. “I’m more worried about you being hurt.”
Connor moved right into his arms. “What a pair we make, each worried about the other.” He rested his head on Sterling’s shoulder, then tilted it up for a kiss. “I really have to go or else I won’t get to bed, and I have an early meeting in the morning.” He stepped away. “I’ll see you Friday evening?”
“Yes, definitely.” Sterling watched as Connor left by the back gate and then turned toward his own home, heading inside.
STERLING SET down the Thursday paper with a sigh. It certainly hadn’t taken the mayor long to decide on his course of action, though Sterling wasn’t sure how effective the story was. Apparently the mayor had published, through his personal Facebook account, a doctored image from the calendar with unflattering comment bubbles. The post had already been taken down by the company because the images were copyrighted and the mayor didn’t have permission to use them, but the local paper had picked up on the story without pictures. Still, it was hurtful and petty.
Sterling picked up the phone and called the newspaper to inform them of the issues around the mayor’s campaign materials and remind them that it was just another example of the mayor breaking the law in order to further his campaign.
He had barely hung up when Connor called, out of breath and angry. “What is wrong with this man?”
“He’s dirty. But it’s catching up with him.” Sterling informed Connor of the actions he’d taken.
“Yeah, but to call us sodomites and to infer that I got paid for what I did. Like I’d….” Connor sputtered, and Sterling understood exactly how he felt. Connor was an honorable man with integrity. Sterling was so angry he wanted to wring the mayor’s neck. Connor didn’t deserve this; no one did. “At least it was taken down.”
“It was removed because it was reported. The mayor didn’t suddenly have a change of heart.”
“What am I going to do?” Connor asked. “How can I keep fighting against a stream of lies and innuendo? It comes out of the woodwork and fades away again. It doesn’t matter if it’s true, because all people remember is the sensationalist crap he’s putting out. I mean, where does he get this stuff? Apparently I’m now his ‘opponent in a skirt.’” At least Connor chuckled over that one.
“He’s only showing how ridiculous he is.” Sterling had to try to soothe him, but he felt like he didn’t have the words to do his feelings justice. “And we need to show him up for what he is.”
“I agree, but how? My boss at the college asked me about what was being said. I spent an hour explaining what was happening and how I was being treated. He was outraged. But I can’t do that with everyone in town.” Connor was getting more stressed by the second.
“Come to the house. I’ll be here, and I’m going to call my dad and your great-aunt. I think it’s time for a council of war. If we’re going to put an end to this, it needs to be spectacular and capture people’s attention.”
“Okay. I’ll be there as soon as I finish here in the office,” Connor agreed, and Sterling got busy making calls before his next appointment arrived.
“DAD, WHAT do you think? You’re the one with more experience at this than the rest of us,” Sterling said.
“First thing, you shouldn’t stop what you’re doing because of the mayor. Meet people. They seem to love you, and you come across well. I have contacted both the Carlisle and the Harrisburg papers about an endorsement. That is some free publicity and helps get our message out.”
Aunt Lucille spoke next. “I have been in touch with the mayor’s campaign manager, his wife, and have set up the town hall meeting for next month. School will be back in session and summer will be over, so September will be a wonderful time to get this into full swing.” She smiled. “It’s also a chance to remind people that the mayor himself is under review for improper campaign activities. As long as that issue is outstanding, it casts doubt. However”—she turned to Connor—“you shouldn’t mention it. Let the rest of us do it. You stick to your message and the positive things you hope to accomplish. And I think that Sterling needs to be with you sometimes.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” Sterling said. “It’s only going to remind them of the calendar. I’m pictured with him. This is Connor’s fight and will be his accomplishment, not mine. I’ll help him every way I can, but I won’t cause him any additional trouble.”
“If that’s how you feel,” his dad said. “But Connor being in a stable, caring relationship can only be an asset.”
“Is that not what you want?” Connor asked. Sterling looked to the others, and his father stood and took Aunt Lucille’s arm, leading her from the room. “Sterling, if I’m not the person you want or if you don’t want to be part of this, then all you have to do is say so. There’s no need for you to pretend that you want me or are interested in a relationship just because I’m running for mayor. I had hoped….” His voice faltered.
“Of course I want this… I want you,” Sterling said forcefully. “Why would you think I didn’t? I just don’t want to hold you back. This is too important to you, and I don’t want to cause any issues that would hurt you.” He swallowed hard around the lump in his throat, his heart racing. “I want you in my life, and I hope that when we know each other better and… that….” His words failed completely. Was it too soon to say what was in his heart? Would he scare Connor away if he told him how deeply he had taken root inside? The thought of Connor hurting was enough for him to head into battle with just a teaspoon as a weapon if he had to. “I’m falling in love with you.” The words tumbled out before he could stop them.
Connor inhaled sharply and blinked but didn’t say anything. Sterling was damned sure that he had gone too far too fast and that Connor was ready to bolt.
“Look, I know it’s too soon, and if I freaked you out, I didn’t mean to. The words just came out, and while I won’t take them back, I will understand if you don’t feel the same way. The last person I used the ‘L’ word with ended up throwing everything I thought I had in my face. Things haven’t worked out for you either, so….” God, he was prattling on like a damned teenager at their first dance. He needed to shut the hell up.
Connor snorted. “The ‘L’ word. Are there only so many times you’re allowed the say the word love before your head explodes? Or maybe you think if you say it too much your heart will shrink and you’ll turn green and end up as the Grinch in a Dr. Seuss movie.”
“I….” What the hell did he say to that?
“I’ve been falling for you for a long time. But affairs of the heart don’t work out well for me either.” Connor squeezed his fingers. “Yeah, you can make fun of me because I sound like something out of a Jane Austen novel.” He rolled his eyes. “But Jane knew all about the heart and its trials and tribulations.”
“You’ve read her work?” Sterling asked, and Connor nodded. “What’s your favorite?”
“ Persuasion ,” Connor answered immediately. “I love the ‘second chance at love’ idea. That they used to be in love and the embers were still there. That they needed to speak to one another and not just talk, but really communicate from the heart.”
“That’s the hardest thing to do. You either get what you want most or your heart stomped into tiny pieces. It’s an all-or-nothing kind of proposition. And Jane Austen does that so very well. But it always takes them so long before they get there.”
Connor tugged him closer. “That’s the beauty of it. The journey is the satisfying part. The ending is just a way to say that the journey is over. Everyone today wants instant gratification. Jane knew how to make the anticipation last and build until it becomes this burst of adrenaline for the characters and the reader.” He sighed. “I never would have pegged you as a Jane Austen kind of guy.”
“I read them I college. Sense and Sensibility was for a class I took, but most of the others I read simply because she transported me to another time and place, and I needed that about then.” Sterling tugged Connor closer. “Sort of like you. When you’re here, like this….” He stroked his hands down Connor’s back until they rested on his butt. “I’m transported.”
“To Hornytown?”
“There are worse places.” Sterling smiled and squeezed. “I think this is the best feel in the house.”
A soft shuffle from the other room caught their attention. Connor stiffened, and Sterling stilled before leaning close. “I wonder what they’re up to.” He didn’t want to step away, but his curiosity got the better of him.
They both turned toward the door. Connor peered into the other room. Sterling followed and then stepped back, putting his hand over his mouth. The two of them went into the back room before the chuckles got the better of them. “Your father kissing Aunt Lucille. I think that’s an image I could spend the rest of my life and not have seen.”
Sterling grinned. “I thought it was beautiful. Your great-aunt certainly seemed to like it, and can you imagine finding romantic happiness at their age? It’s hard enough to find someone at ours, let alone at theirs.”
“Yeah, but your father and my great-aunt sucking face?” He broke down into a fit of laughter.
“I believe they were doing more than that. Did you see where his hands were?” Sterling clarified, and Connor stopped laughing. “I mean it. I’ve seen them together, and they definitely have that look. I think we should leave them alone.”
“We need dinner,” Connor said. “Come on.”
They started cooking. The scent drew the other two back into the room. “Can we help?”
“The pasta is in the water, and the sauce is warming. I have the garlic bread in the oven, and Connor has the table set. So all you need to do is take a seat.” Sterling stirred the sauce and turned away from them to keep from chuckling.
“What is with you two?” Aunt Lucille asked, her hands on her hips. “Yes, your father and I have been seeing one another, and there will be times when the two of us will show affection. You young people are not the only ones who need affection.” The edges of her lips curved upward. “And you all seem to think you invented sex. Well, you didn’t, and I’ll have you know that people of our age could teach you young people a thing or two.”
Connor had grown pale, and Sterling’s father was grinning like an idiot. “Your great-aunt and I are figuring out if there’s something between us. Do the two of you think it funny?”
“No,” Sterling answered quickly. “I want you to be happy, Dad, the same thing you always wanted for me.” The mirth in the entire situation vanished in an instant.
“I’m thrilled for both of you,” Connor added. “And I agree with Sterling. If the two of you are happy and wish to pursue a relationship, whatever form you decide that will take, I’m happy for you.” He kissed his great-aunt on the cheek. “Now stop glaring at both of us.” He smiled and gave her a hug. “You have our blessing if that’s what you want.” He drew himself up with the bearing of an earl from two hundred years ago. He was stunning, and for a second, Sterling could see him like that.
“Your blessing?” Aunt Lucille barked. “We don’t want your blessing. You are my great-nephew and I love you to pieces, but I don’t need your blessing for anything. I have been choosing my own men since before your father became a shot in the dark. And I have great taste, if I do say so.” She smiled at Grant and winked. “Why do you think I never married any of them?” She grinned wickedly and then took Grant’s hand. “Now let’s eat and drop this unwelcome intrusion into my personal life.” She pulled out a chair, and the two of them sat down. “Instead we can delve into yours. Sterling, what are your intentions regarding my great-nephew?”
Sterling felt all words slip from his lips. “My intentions?” he finally managed to ask.
Connor thankfully came to his rescue. “Aunt Lucille—”
“Goose and gander, my boy.” She grinned, and Sterling figured it was best to say no more and bring dinner to the table. Things with Connor felt just right at the moment, and he didn’t want to try to explain or talk about what the two of them had said. His gaze locked on Connor, and they shared a soft smile and entwined fingers under the table for a few seconds, warmth spreading from the touch to the rest of him. Suddenly his ravenous hunger for food was gone, replaced by something different entirely, and each gaze from Connor only heightened his appetite.
GRANT AND Lucille departed quickly after dinner. Sterling had barely tasted a bite, his attention focused on Connor and the more carnal appetites. It was a miracle he’d been able to keep his fork on the path to his mouth. Each time Connor’s lips closed around a morsel, he wished those lips were being put to a very different use.
“Did you really mean what you said before?” Connor asked once they were alone in the house.
Sterling sat on the sofa in his family room with Connor next to him. “Of course I did. I’d never make something like that up.”
Connor drew closer. “I didn’t think you would. I was only looking for reassurance.” He lifted his gaze, and it met Sterling’s. Connor blinked, his blue eyes glistening. “Man, that made me sound really needy.” There were times when Connor could be so strong and it seemed like he could stand up to anything. Yet with Sterling, he was vulnerable, and that was both attractive and frightening. Sterling realized that if he wasn’t careful, he could hurt Connor just as deeply as Alexander had him. Then it hit him, a notion he had never thought of before. It was something that would never have occurred to him with his ex—that he had a responsibility. That if Connor had indeed given him his heart and was falling in love with him, then Sterling had a responsibility to care for it… to treat it gently and nurture it. And Connor was the same. No wonder things with Alexander had gone to hell.
“You sound like someone putting his heart on the line,” Sterling whispered and slowly closed the distance between them. He understood the dangers of taking a chance with your heart, the ache when it was given and trampled on, and the joy of getting it back so it could be given again.
Connor nodded. “What’s wrong?” he asked, and Sterling realized he had stopped partway to Connor. He had intended to kiss him, but instead he’d stilled, with his thoughts once again traveling to his past.
Sterling hardened his resolve and pushed the Alexander-tainted mist that threatened to loom over him back as far as he could. Connor was light and happiness; Alexander was a fog that loomed around the horizon, ready to take over should the light falter. Sterling couldn’t let that happen and closed the distance to Connor’s lips, holding on to him with all he had to keep the darkness at bay. He craved the light and hoped he could keep it shining on him for as long as possible.
Connor tasted of sunshine and summer as he kissed him, sliding his tongue between his firm lips. Connor held him close, pressing against him, energy radiating from him as he vibrated. Sterling could feel Connor wanting more, much more. His desire couldn’t be hidden, pressing to Sterling’s thigh. They should probably head upstairs, but that would mean letting Connor go, and Sterling had no intention of doing that, not even for the two minutes required to get to the bedroom.
He pulled at Connor’s shirt, baring his chest before sliding his hands under his kilt. Damn, he loved the easy access and the impressive heat and passion he found there. “What was that for?”
“Because I never really gave much thought to the wonders of a kilt until right now.” He patted Connor’s boxer-briefed butt before peeling away the fabric. “The access is amazing.” He rubbed the smooth skin, sliding his hand down Connor’s leg.
Connor chuckled, and with a deft motion, the kilt fell away and onto the floor. “See, even more wonders to behold.”
Sterling moaned. “Sweetheart, the wonders have always been the man in the kilt.” He paused his explorations and brought his hands to cup Connor’s cheeks. “You were always a wonder to behold. I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you just how amazing you are and how you set my heart alight. You make me want to shout my happiness from the rooftops. But I won’t. With my balance, I’d fall and break my neck, and that would be really unsexy.”
Connor rolled his eyes. “You’re a real sweet talker, you know that?” Sterling loved the way he smiled and the mischief in those glorious eyes.
“I love you in kilts. I have to say that I never thought of how sexy they were until you walked into your great-aunt’s in only yours and those boots.” Sterling settled his hands on Connor’s chest. “Now I can’t think of you any other way. You have inspired me… and my heart.” He closed the distance between then, taking Connor’s lips in a deep kiss.
Connor held him tight and then climbed off the sofa, slipping his shirt off his shoulders until he stood naked in all his muscular glory. Sterling swallowed hard, taking in the sight in front of him. “I could put the kilt back on if you like.”
Sterling shook his head. “That would be a shame. The first time I saw you, my imagination ran wild, but now I see that it was not as good as I always thought.” He smiled and tugged Connor closer.
“Should we go up to bed?”
Sterling nodded, his throat too dry to speak anymore. He managed to get up on wobbly legs, talking Connor by the hand and leading his naked Apollo to the bedroom.
CONNOR LAY next to him in the dark. Sterling knew by his breathing he wasn’t asleep. Though Sterling was worn out and happy, he didn’t want to sleep, because this moment was too good to waste. “What are you thinking about?”
“Your work in the studio. The art you’re creating and making your own. I thought….”
Sterling rolled over. “The interest in that seems to have drifted away. I can recreate all the pieces that someone else did, but it isn’t original. It’s just imitating someone else, and I want to do more. Maybe a book.”
Connor inhaled. “Like a coffee-table book?”
“Yes. Something that inspires me. Like you in a kilt.” He rolled onto his side, and Connor chuckled into the darkness. “What?”
“Nothing,” he answered quickly.
“Come on,” Sterling coaxed, and Connor slid closer, his head resting on Sterling’s shoulder. “What bit of mischief has crept into that mind of yours?” He could almost feel the mirth grabbing hold of Connor, and Sterling loved it. There were few sights more breathtaking than when Connor smiled.
“Okay, so I went to a conference in Milwaukee, and believe it or not, there is still a gay bookstore there.” He snickered. “They had a copy of The Big Penis Book . That got me thinking that you should do something like that. Only since you love kilts, maybe you could publish The Big Book of Sporrans: What Goes Up Must Be Held Down .”
Sterling snorted and then lost control of his laughter. “Where the hell do you come up with these things?”
“You know a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste. I have one, so I’m going to use it. Maybe you should try it.” He shifted and stroked Sterling’s cheek. “You don’t need to do a book of dicks or anything, but the reason the calendar is doing so well is because the images are sensual and loving. They evoke emotion. Do that—take pictures of people showing love. If you make people feel something strong and real, then they’ll believe in it.”
“But….” Sterling hesitated. He had done that for years. It was what he was good at and what he had hoped to get the chance to do again. In a small way he had—with the calendar. “I have my life and my business.” The thing was that they rarely intersected. There was no passion in what he was doing.
“You can do both, if that’s what you want to do.” Connor patted his chest and settled closer. “You have all the talent in the world. I’ve seen it. Just find a way to let it loose.” He yawned and nestled in tight. “I hate being cold, and you’re always like a furnace.”
“And you’re an air conditioner,” Sterling replied gently. He knew Connor was right. The thing was, he had undertaken so many different types of projects to try to bring out his more artistic nature, but up until now, he hadn’t found anything that fit. Maybe Connor was right and he had already stumbled across it. Or maybe he could simply do a book of pictures of Connor. Now that was a project worth being passionate about on so many levels.