Chapter 43 Aeri
“Inever intended to keep her, but having her tied to me is for the best, at least for now. It keeps her safe from Rome.”
Those words whirl around in my mind, playing over and over until I can no longer understand them, but even still, I feel the pain of them like a knife to the heart.
But why does it hurt?
How can I possibly feel anything else past the pain that already feels as if it’s a part of me, right down to my bones?
My hands find my hair, and I dig them in, pulling in hopes of distracting myself from this voice, but it’s useless.
“Stop!” I scream, my throat feeling raw and my voice coming out hoarse.
I didn’t realize I’d already been yelling and crying before now. I bite down on my bottom lip to stop it, only to taste blood.
What is happening?
“Shh, it’s okay, Aeri. Just breathe.” Strong arms pull me close, offering me comfort and warmth, but it’s as if it’s blocked somehow, leaving me shivering.
A hand brushes hair from my forehead so gently it’s as if they fear I might break.
“We’re here, Aeri, and we’re not going anywhere.”
Ruin?
I want to open my eyes and see if it’s actually him or my mind playing tricks on me, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t. It’s almost as if I’m not in control.
“This will never go away. He just damned her to feel this pain for the rest of her life!”
I’ve never heard Talian sound so upset, and while everything inside me wants to reach out and comfort him, I can’t.
“Shut up, you’re not helping,” Bast hisses, and I realize he’s the one holding me; I should have known.
But it doesn’t matter what anyone says; right now, the pain is the only thing I can understand, the only thing I know to be fact because Asta doesn’t want me.
“I never intended to keep her, but having her tied to me is for the best, at least for now. It keeps her safe from Rome.”
And apparently neither does Lucifer…
I can’t handle this pain again, not after knowing what it’s like to be his and him to be mine. Not when I felt the bond, warm and welcoming.
“Please don’t,” I manage to croak out, but it’s not enough.
The person I need to hear it from is nowhere to be found, just like always, and despite being in a room full of people I care about, I feel so damn alone.
So I do the only thing I can think of to make it stop and fall into the darkness.
Consciousness comes slowly, and try as I might, I apparently can’t just sleep forever. Doesn’t mean I wasn’t going to try, though, not when the alternative hurt so fucking bad.
I’d woken a few times now, but only for a few minutes before I was able to drift off again, just long enough to know I’m wrapped in someone’s arms or pressed between bodies. Still, it’s not enough; the hole in my chest only grows larger.
Why would the universe curse someone like this? To tie me to not one but two people who will reject me seems cruel.
I ignore the little voice in the back of my mind that whispers of more pain, of a missing link who will no doubt also choose to reject our bond.
Never did I think there would be a fate worse than Rome, but the universe has jokes, and apparently, I’m the punch line.
“Aeri?” There are equal parts hope and fear in Bast’s voice. The bed moves beside me, and I hear his breath catch and decide I’ve done enough damage.
The room is dark, just like the castle is. Yes, there are candles, but it’s not the same as the light back topside; it doesn’t cut through the shadows quite the same, instead making more. It’s funny how they coexist together, side by side.
Beautiful, really.
Even still, the soft candlelight feels like I’m looking at the sun, and it takes a few times for me to be able to keep my eyes open without them watering.
I regret it the moment I do, as pain hits me as if I’ve touched a live wire, and I’m left curled in on myself, moaning and groaning.
“Damn it,” Talian curses, but his voice is tight, and something tells me he isn’t upset with me.
“Is there anything we can do to help?” I blink up at Ruin, and for a moment, all I can do is stare at him before I squeeze my eyes closed and turn away.
He came back, but why? I hope nobody forced him to.
It’s funny; not long ago, I would have been ecstatic to see him again, but now it only makes me sad.
Was Ruin to be mine as well? God, I hoped he had, the same way I hoped Bast was right about us being mated.
But I’ll never find out.
I can’t risk it.
If I were stronger, I would sever all ties myself, but I’m not. Just the thought makes my stomach roll as I choke back the urge to vomit. Thankfully, I’ve been out a while because there’s nothing to throw up.
I breathe through my panic and feeling of sickness before I force my eyes open once again. All three of them are watching me. The concern shining in their eyes pulls on my heartstrings, but I push the feeling aside.
Bast is to my right, his arms wrapped around me in a way that usually makes me feel safe, but right now, all it does is remind me of the pain.
Talian is to my left, lying on the bed watching me, though he doesn’t touch me, and I’m not sure if that’s better or worse.
I can feel his worry as if it’s oozing out of him and into the air, and the way his eyes watch me, it’s as if he’s fighting the urge to reach out and touch me.
Ruin stands beside the bed behind Talian, his eyes fixed on me.
I get the feeling he’s spent the better part of my nap pacing.
I steel myself for what I’m about to do as I move out of Bast’s arms and closer to Talian. His eyes go wide, but he doesn’t complain as he looks between Bast and me, seemingly confused.
I don’t blame him. Bast has been my comfort since I woke up here, but right now, Talian is my mate, the only one who doesn’t seem to want to break the bond. I don’t trust that he won’t change his mind, but for now, he’s all I have.
”Aeri…” I hear all of Bast’s questions with just that one word, but I don’t have the answers he wants. I don’t have any answers at all.
He seems to understand, and while I can almost feel his longing to reach for me and pull me back into his arms, he manages to keep his hands to himself.
The room is quiet, and it’s pathetic, but I swear I feel like I used up all my energy simply moving to Talian.
Depression.
That’s what this is. I know the signs, the symptoms, but despite that, I don’t have any desire to fix it.
“Why would a demon, or the devil, want a mortal mate?” The question is out before I can stop it, my voice ringing out like a bell after so long in the quiet.
I sound pathetic, and I swallow down the urge to tell them to ignore me, craving their answer even though it won’t help.
I’m not surprised when it’s Bast who answers.
“Why wouldn’t we, Aerilyn? You’re…” he trails off as if trying to find the right word. “You're amazing and beautiful and caring.”
“And smart,” Talian adds.
“And funny,” Ruin says this time from the end of the bed, and I crack an eye open to see him seated on the bench, his eyes boring into me.
Their words are nice, but not enough to convince me, not when I know the truth.
He doesn’t want me, not really.
“Why does it hurt so bad? Asta was never mine, but I feel like a piece of me is missing.”
A tear rolls down my face, and I don’t even try to hide it or bat it away, not when another already follows it.
“It’s a bond, one given to you by the universe, and Asta broke it.
It’s going to hurt because it was a part of you.
Written into your DNA from the moment our souls are born.
” I can hear the awe in Ruin’s voice when he talks about mates and bonds.
Until Asta broke ours, I felt the same. I’d never heard of mates before coming here, didn’t know they were a possibility, but it was new and exciting, and being tied to Lucifer, while scary, made me happy in a way I couldn’t explain.
It makes sense, but I don’t like it. I don’t want this kind of connection if it’s only going to cause me pain.
“So I’ll just have this hole in my heart for the rest of my life?” And it’s only going to get worse when Lucifer leaves. Once I’m safe, he won’t need to shelter me, and I’m sure Kai will reject me, too. He doesn’t seem like the type to want a mate.
What I don’t understand is why Asta isn’t hurting too?
I don’t ask, though. Honestly, I don’t want to know.
Would it make me feel better to know he is?
No. As much as I hate this, I wouldn’t wish it on him either.
Nobody answers, but that’s answer enough. I’d thought I’d slept all I could, but I was wrong, and I happily fall back into the dark, happy for an escape.