Chapter 32
Chapter Thirty-Two
Me
MAGNOLIA
Iwatched the two suns set over the horizon on the beach, and I stayed there well into the night.
It was nice. The sand was tan, soft to the touch, and warm, not scalding like the Black Sands. A slight chill ran over the shoreline as the six moons replaced the suns, but it wasn’t enough to make me cold.
I told myself I was only staying up to enjoy the rhythmic lap of waves. I kept anticipating Dahes entering my mind tonight to see where Hael had brought me. But the longer I sat on the beach, the less I felt his looming presence.
I hadn’t realized I was holding onto hope, praying to the Suns that I’d get another night. I told myself it was only because I liked the beach here, that I found it peaceful. But I knew what I was avoiding, what I wasn’t admitting even to myself—I wanted to see Hael again.
I tried not to think about it too long because I couldn’t fully explain why. Somewhere down the line, he shifted in my mind. I no longer viewed him as a merciless drakin who carried out Elion’s orders, but I was starting to see glimpses of the real him.
It terrified me—how strongly I was feeling.
Was it just because I was missing human connection so badly that I would have clung to the first person who was remotely nice to me?
But Hael wasn’t just being nice. He was being insane, doing things for me I couldn’t understand why.
Why didn’t he let me burn that first night of the Vargothi?
Why did he take me into MonClem if he knew he was going to get punished for it?
Why did he willingly go through days of physical torture instead of just sleeping with me when we were drugged with Ahthimil?
Why did he put a shield over me instead of himself when Elion used his lightning?
And now he brought me here, knowing he could get in trouble for it.
I hated that I kept thinking about him, that my mind could no longer turn him off.
I was going to destroy him, and he was going to hate me for it…
Whatever was starting to happen, whatever was shifting inside my mind, it wasn’t going to last.
Exhaustion was weighing on me, and if I had known the tide didn’t rise high up along the coast, I would have been tempted to drag a blanket out and sleep on the sand.
Hael hadn’t come back.
He technically never told me when he’d return, and I hated how much I was holding onto it. I found myself gazing up at the sky more than the ocean, waiting to see if white scales would block the moons.
It wasn’t a bad night. It was peaceful. Serene. The sky filled with endless stars that took my breath away. I almost wanted to stay up until the suns took over again just so I wouldn’t miss a second of it.
As soon as I was dragged back to Moriann, this would all be gone. No beautiful sunrises, no colors painting the clouds as they set, no stars. I wouldn’t even be able to see the colorful glow of the moons until the Watala came, and even then it’d only last seven days.
Then it would be nothing but endless gray fog, illuminating my suffocation.
I didn’t want to go back.
I spent the majority of my time out on the beach, even opting to bring cheese and bread by the waves and picking at dinner instead of a hot meal. It was probably the happiest I’d ever felt in my entire life.
It wasn’t until the suns set on the second night that the door to the cabin finally opened.
Currently, I was curled on his sofa after taking a long bath, facing the fireplace that took me an embarrassingly long time to light when Hael walked through the door.
“Hi,” I said, sitting up straighter.
“Hi.” He still hadn’t moved from the doorway.
“I like this place better than your cabin in MonClem,” I blurted, trying to fill the silence.
I had a blanket curled around my lap and a bowl of grapes in front of me.
I had no idea if he cared that I helped myself to his kitchen, but after he didn’t come back the first night, I was starving.
It was so much cozier, more homey, seemed more lived in.
He smiled then. “Me too.”
“Where did you go last night?”
Hael slowly unstrapped the sword at his back, propping the hilt against the door. “I had to help the new recruits today. They’re still figuring out their magic.”
I didn’t miss the fact that he didn’t actually answer my question.
“Is that what the king was talking about at breakfast when you asked for more time?”
“Yeah.” Hael walked over to the kitchen.
“He wants to know the level of bonds that formed. Do you remember me telling you about the three different kinds?” I nodded, watching as he filled a glass with amber liquid.
“He wants to know how many have the strongest one. Once Vinculum bonds are created, the rider’s access to their powers usually shows up within the week. ”
“So Elion wants to know how many have the Plenus?” I asked, trying to recall my memory. “The bond that gives the riders independent power?”
He nodded.
“And do a lot of riders have it?” I tried to push away the guilty feeling that was seeping into me with each question I asked because I knew it wasn’t curiosity that kept my mouth running. I was searching for what I could tell Dahes, wanting any sort of information that wouldn’t directly hurt Hael.
He shook his head. “Not many have the complete bond this year.”
“What about the other two bonds?” I asked. “Does the king care about them?”
He exhaled, then started pouring a second glass. “Semis bonds are fine, but having a Nullus bond isn’t good.”
“That’s where a rider can only use their dragon’s powers while on their dragon, right?”
He nodded, and started walking toward the sofa, and I realized how stiff his shoulders were.
“What happens to the riders that have the lowest bond?” I asked, taking the glass he extended to me, watching as he sat down at the opposite end of the sofa. I curled my legs closer to my chest, resting the glass on my knee without taking a sip.
“It depends if they were selected for breeding or not,” he said. “Elion makes the final call, but most of them are killed.”
“So are all the bonds done?”
He shook his head. “I convinced Elion to give them more time.”
I watched as he tipped his head back, finishing his drink in nearly one sip. I got the suspicion that the favor didn’t come without a cost.
“That’s a good thing,” I drawled, speaking the words slowly. Something was off about him. His demeanor had shifted since yesterday morning.
He nodded.
I studied his movements. Everything about him was too stiff. His back was ramrod straight, his shoulders tense. He wasn’t leaning into the cushions.
“Did Elion find out I was gone?”
No answer.
“Does he know I’m gone?” I repeated, my eyes narrowing.
Hael stood. “I’m getting another drink.”
He walked back toward the kitchen—this one was larger, the counter extending into the main floor as it wrapped around. He set his glass on it, but didn’t fill it up. Instead, he brought the bottle back to the sofa.
“He punished you,” I said, realizing it was true.
Hael’s gaze met mine as he sat back down, but he still wouldn’t answer me.
“Show me.”
“There’s nothing to see, Nollie. Just a few scratches.”
My eyes narrowed. I had a sinking feeling we had very different definitions of what a scratch was. He wouldn’t even lean into the cushions. His back was hunched as he rested his hands over his knees.
“Why are you helping me?” I asked. “If you knew bringing me here was going to result in a punishment, why did you do it?” I’d seen Hael go through two of them in the single week I’d been at the castle and both times were because of me, and now whatever he wasn’t showing me, had to be just as bad.
“If you stayed there, Nollie—if Elion kept you, or worse, sent you back to the Dead King—that would have been my punishment.”
My mouth parted at his words, at the fact that one of those things was inevitable. “Why?” I whispered, not realizing I was half holding my breath. I forced myself to let it out, forced myself to wait for his answer.
He was quiet for a moment, his gaze shifting, searching my eyes, as I watched bits of gold dance through his irises from the glow of the fire.
“Because you’re the first person that’s gotten a rise out of me,” he finally admitted, this time leaning slightly into the sofa. “I don’t care about anyone and Elion knows it.”
“What about your family?” I asked, ignoring the insinuation that he might care about me.
“I don’t have one. I was raised solely by the Drakin Army, and it’s better that way.”
“And that’s not normal?” I guessed.
He shook his head. “Offspring are calculated. Planned. Everyone knows exactly where they came from.”
“And you don’t?”
He shook his head. “I’m the only orphan in the army. Jaxs took me into his family, and he’s as close to a brother as I’ll get, but I never knew my real parents.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, knowing what that was like. My first memory was on the streets in Moriann. I never knew my parents either.
“I’m not.” His voice was steady. “I don’t mind being alone. It means one less thing Elion can use against me. But you—” He paused. “If you stayed, he would have been able to get me to do anything he wanted, just to keep you safe.”
My heart threatened to burst out of my chest. I opened my mouth to speak, then closed it, before opening it again. I couldn’t process his words, couldn’t put meaning to them, so I blocked it out, making myself numb to it just like I used to.
“Why did he punish you at breakfast for being able to touch me?” I asked, planning on using his candor until it ran out and desperately needing to change the topic.
It’d been bothering me the past two nights.
I kept thinking about it, kept playing over what happened in the dining room and couldn’t make sense of it.
Hael exhaled before running his hands through his hair. “It’s a rule he made for me when I won the Vargothi. I can’t be with anyone.”
“You’ve never…” My cheeks heated, and I couldn’t get myself to finish the sentence.
He shook his head. “I’ve slept with people, but it’s all been mindless fucks. I was technically sterilized during the Imassura, but that’s not what he cares about.”
“What does he care about?”
He was silent for a minute. “Me.” He blew out a breath. “He’s always shown an interest in me. It started before I even competed in the Vargothi, but it only got worse after I won.”
I nodded, understanding that too well. It hit too close to home. Dahes had the same obsession with me. He was always intrigued, but the moment my Token manifested, it reached an entirely new level.
“Why…” I swallowed, trying to find my voice. “Why would touching me make him mad?” Elion’s reaction was still engraved in my head. If he was allowed to sleep with people, it didn’t make sense that he got so livid over a single touch to my shoulder.
“I think he suspects how I feel about you. He made it clear when I won that I was never allowed to love anyone. It’s one of his rules for me.
He likes to keep me isolated. I think he gets some sick enjoyment in knowing that I only exist for duty, that my life isn’t my own.
I’m the leader of the army, but not by choice.
” He laughed, but there was no humor in it.
“How you feel about me…” I repeated his words on a whispered breath, everything else he said went in one ear and out the other as that single thought kept repeating, swirling around inside my head like the wind gusts in Moriann.
“I’m not allowed to fall in love.”
“I…” My back staggered into the cushions, the bowl of grapes on my lap clattering to the floor. I watched them roll, some falling under the sofa, but I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe…
“I’m not saying I’m in love with you, Nollie,” he smirked at my reaction.
“I honestly don’t know what the hell I’m feeling toward you.
” He let out a breath. “All I know is I’ve never cared about what happened to someone before.
It infuriates me whenever I think about what Cash tried to do when he brought you to the brothel.
It terrifies me whenever I think about Elion using you.
And it scares the living shit out of me imagining him giving you a punishment instead of me.
” He ran his fingers through his hair again.
“Maybe this is what it feels like.” He let out another laugh.
“I honestly have no fucking clue what I’m doing, but for some reason, with you, I care. ”
My gut plummeted. My body was chained, my mind falling into the Examinis.
My hunt was over.
Hael just told me his weakness.
And it was me.