Chapter 6
six
Linus
Two Weeks Later
The gig wraps late.
The lads in the band are already half-pissed when we lock up the venue, tossing thank-yous like confetti as they disappear into the neon-soaked streets of Galway.
Niamh and I handle the settlement ourselves. Her on invoices. Me on gear logistics. It’s our dynamic. Has been since we were sixteen. She handles the front of house, I take care of the backstage chaos.
Her da says we’re the perfect pair.
No. I’m a fraud. Living someone else’s life.
We walk back to the hotel in silence, her fingers curled into the crook of my elbow. There’s nothing wrong on the surface. The gig went off without a hitch, the band is thrilled, her da will be pleased with the money they made.
My stomach is in perpetual knots.
Inside the hotel room, the lights are soft. Niamh kicks off her boots and flops onto the bed. I watch her slide down her leggings and undo the top button of her blouse, lips parted, pupils dilated. She’s still buzzing from the high of a good show, and a couple of gin and tonics.
“You’ve been weird all night.” She shrugs off her top and undoes her bra. Plumps up her tits and rolls her brown nipples into points.
“I’m tired.” I avert my eyes and shrug off my jacket.
“Linus.” She narrows her eyes. “Don’t lie to me.”
I undress down to my boxer briefs and sit beside her. She leans over and kisses me. Her tongue traces the inside of my mouth like she’s done a million times before. My hands find her waist by muscle memory. Her body is familiar, comforting. I’ve loved her for years.
She grabs between my legs. I’m flaccid.
“Seriously?” She pulls back. “We haven’t fucked since you got back from holiday two months ago. You talked a big game at the merch table this afternoon.”
“I know. I said I was tired.”
“Is it me?”
“No. Fuck, Niamh. It’s not.”
Determined to prove something, I cup her breasts. She arches into my touch. Gasps when I pinch her nipple. I trail kisses down her stomach, tongue flicking over her navel as I nudge her thighs apart.
She’s already wet.
Pulling Niamh’s panties to the side, I go down on her. She writhes and clutches at my hair. I know every inch of her. Exactly how she likes her pussy licked. This is the least I can do. Her legs shake when she comes.
When she tugs me up and slides her hand into my boxers, she discovers I’m still only half-hard. Not even.
“Jesus, Linus.”
“I’m sorry.”
Her hand works me, lips brushing my ear. “Do you want me?”
“Aye.”
“Prove it.”
I nod, mouth dry. She pushes me onto my back, swings a leg over, and kisses down my chest. Her mouth is warm and soft. She yanks down my briefs to my knees, takes me down her throat. No hesitation. No gag.
It does the trick. My cock springs to life.
When she climbs on top of me and sinks down, my erection lasts maybe a minute before I start to go soft inside her. Her brow furrows.
“What the fuck,” she snaps, climbing off. “You’re not even trying.”
“I am trying.”
“Then what is it?”
I sit up, heart thudding. I’ve been carrying this for weeks. Swallowed it like glass and let it shred my insides. Now my secret is pushing its way out, jagged and burning.
“There was someone else.”
Silence. Niamh’s shoulders go still. She scrambles off me. “You cheated on me?”
I nod.
Niamh opens her mouth like she’s going to speak, then stops.
Thinks on it then blurts, “Was it a girl?”
Her question takes me by surprise.
I shake my head.
She stares at me. No yelling. No confusion. No collapse.
Her face stays still, but there’s something in her eyes. Sharp. Unreadable.
“Jesus fucking Christ.”
In this moment, I realize she must have suspected long before I ever admitted it to myself. I never lied to her about how I felt. I love her. I still do. I can’t help it if there’s something inside me I don’t fully understand. Buried too deep to touch without setting off alarms.
Part of me wonders if she’s been waiting for this moment to ask questions she doesn’t want answers to. Not to punish me. Maybe to punish herself.
I take her hand. “I didn’t plan it.”
“Oh, well. Makes the news so much better.” She sniffs, “When?”
“On holiday—”
She holds up a hand. “Oh, so you fucked a guy in Greece? Well, that explains it.”
I nod again.
“I knew you were acting off when you came home.” Niamh pulls her hand away.
“Well, we didn’t fuck, though. He gave me a blowjob,” I explain. “It was only the once.”
“Oh, brilliant. No big deal.”
I wince. “It didn’t mean anything.”
“Linus.” She shakes her head. “So. Much. Worse.” Niamh paces now. Her chest heaves with hurt and anger. “So you’re gay?”
“No,” I answer too quickly. “I’m not. I’m attracted to women too. Obviously.”
“Obviously? Linus. One wee blowjob from a random bloke has killed your sex drive for me. Are you fuckin’ serious?”
My silence doesn’t help.
She shakes her head, tears forming in her eyes. “I thought we were solid.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Are you sure you still want me?” Niamh’s voice is vulnerable. Sad.
“Yes.”
“Then prove it.”
Niamh charges forward and pushes me back onto the bed. Climbs over me, wrapping her hand around my cock. Strokes me fast. Rough. Once I get the beginnings of an erection, she straddles me again, riding me like she’s trying to erase everything I told her.
I grip her hips. Watch her tits bounce as she fucks me. To stay with it, I fantasize about the man. The way his lips worked my cock. How he knew what I needed before I did.
Niamh comes. I manage to ejaculate too, not sure if it’s from her or the memory of the guy’s mouth on me. Either way, it proves…something.
She collapses beside me. Neither of us says anything for a while.
After a long silence, she strokes my chest. “I forgive you.”
I stare at the ceiling.
“I don’t know if I want to be forgiven.”
“If you’re not gay,” she pulls the covers around us, “we can move forward.”
“I don’t know what I am.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
It’s true. Unfortunately, it’s not enough. There’s more I haven’t told her yet and when I do, she’ll withdraw her forgiveness.
When she falls asleep, I scroll to the new email on my phone. Washington State. My welcome package.
I turn the screen face down.
Even if I’m too much of a coward to tell her tonight.
I already know I’m leaving.