Chapter 44 Avonna
forty-four
Avonna
Seven Months Later
The isolation booth swallows me whole.
Glass all around.
My reflection flickers in the studio lights.
I hold the headphones against my ears. The track plays through the microphone, a new arrangement we’ve been fine-tuning for weeks. It lives in my bones, from the chord progression to the inhale before the beat drops.
I’m supposed to be focused. This is everything we worked for. Months of rehearsals, late-night sets, half-dozen secret shows Linus booked to keep us sharp so we know these songs backward and forward.
He pulled every string to get us into this particular studio for two weeks. Tyson Rainier is available for exactly eight days to elicit an entire album from us. If the reaction of the crowds to our new songs is any indication, all of us know this record will change everything.
Unfortunately, some days, like now, I don’t know if I belong.
Liam and Padraig are huddled in the control room with Ty. Padraig’s arms are crossed, head tilted. Liam leans forward, watching me through the glass. His mouth is set in a straight line.
He hasn’t smiled at me all day. Held my hand. Kissed me.
I miss him.
When I hear my queue, I squeeze my eyes shut and my own voice joins in. Raw. Stripped. I hold the first note too long and my voice breaks. On the second take, I breathe wrong and can’t sustain the note. My chest constricts from the pressure.
Not from this recording studio. From the weight of pretending to Padraig, Ty, and the rest of the world Liam and I are merely bandmates.
Other than Linus, no one knows the three of us are building a life behind the scenes. Spending every night entwined in each other’s bodies. Holding hands, making dinner together and watching reality TV.
Secrecy was only supposed to be for a little while. Liam tried to pull back. We wouldn’t let him, so we acquiesced. Figuring his hesitancy was a temporary blip until Liam felt more ready to tell Padraig the truth.
Weeks have blurred into months. Behind closed doors, we fuck each other in secret. Treat our beautiful love like it’s forbidden. Meant to be hidden.
I remember the hours I spent in trauma therapy promising myself I’d never shrink to fit someone else’s fear. I vowed I’d never let the weight of another person’s judgment make me feel like who I love is something to be ashamed of.
Yet, here I am. Falling into old patterns.
Well, in fairness, Liam’s making the choice for all of us. While I admire his sacred dedication to Fireball, it doesn’t stop the pain. Linus hasn’t pushed the issue further either. Keeping quiet means he doesn’t have to explain the three of us to his family.
At least Padraig knows about Linus and I being married. One truth is out in the open, though it’s led to other uncomfortable moments. Padraig would never come out and say it, but instinct tells me he believes Liam and Linus have “cheated” on me and I don’t know about it.
All of this leaves me torn. Unsettled. Deeply sad. Liam and Linus are the only two men I’ve ever trusted with my heart. With the need for so much secrecy, I’m beginning to wonder if I made a mistake.
I didn’t expect to feel untethered in my relationship.
Linus sits behind Ty, tapping out timing cues and annotating vocal runs. He catches my eye through the glass and gives me the smallest nod. His love is steady. It always has been.
My biggest fear is he and I become a casualty in all of this deceit.
Determined to control what I can, I belt out the bridge again. This time I let it all out. The loneliness. The aching silence. The abject fear my dream is going to come crashing down around me.
When the last note fades, I lower the headphones and stare at the floor. My throat burns.
A moment passes. Then another.
The control room light flashes green. I step into the corridor, legs heavy. Liam meets me at the door.
“You killed it.” His hand hovers against my lower back. He holds it there without touching me. I know why. The rest of them are a few feet away.
“Thanks.” I want him to wrap me up like he does when we’re behind the closed doors of our house. He won’t do it, though.
Ty spins his chair. “Great work, Avonna. You’ve leveled up the whole track.”
Padraig grins wide and throws his arms up. “Ah-fuckin’-mazing.”
He walks over, not hesitating like the others. His hug is real. Warm. Before we arrived, he was in the booth all morning laying drum stems, yet he looks more alive than any of us.
“Unreal,” he murmurs into my hair. “I mean it.”
My eyes sting. I don’t pull away. I want to bawl. Instead, I press my face to his chest and let his kindness settle in.
When I finally look up, Liam is watching. His expression softens, but he doesn’t move. Doesn’t touch me. Doesn’t acknowledge me except in the smallest of ways. Not in front of his brother.
Linus hands me a bottle of water, gaze fixed on Liam. I can feel the energy between them crackle. Nothing will convince me everyone else doesn’t sense it too.
Later, while Ty resets the board and Padraig grabs a snack, I sit beside Liam on the worn studio couch. Linus hovers near the racks, pretending not to listen. I reach for Liam’s hand. He lets me take it, but it’s more reflex than choice.
“Not being able to touch you in public is becoming intolerable,” I whisper.
He shrugs. “There’s been a lot to work through.”
“You mean with Padraig.”
“Aye.”
“Seriously? Would it be such a big revelation?” I already know the answer, but I need to hear him say it.
“Look. He loves you. He’s happy Linus is managing us. I’m the weak link.” Liam pulls his hand free. “He’s already lectured me about it.”
“He seems happy with Mara. Stevie was a long time ago.” I pull my knees up and wrap my arms around them. “He’d want you to live your life.”
He peers over. “It goes deeper. I can’t throw our relationship in his face. Especially after you told him you and Linus are married. Padraig doesn’t want me to screw things up for the band.”
Liam’s clearly suffering, but this has gone on too long. I can’t keep living half a truth. I may not know Padraig the way Linus and Liam do, but I can’t believe he’d want Liam to sacrifice his own happiness as penance.
“Your delusional if you think you’re hiding everything,” I say softly. “It’s creating a strange dynamic. He’s watching us. Watching you. Wondering if you’re fucking Linus behind my back, which isn’t fair to any of us. Won’t it hurt him more if you continue to lie to him?”
Liam leans back, head against the wall. His throat works like he’s swallowing something distasteful.
“He’s too polite to ask,” I continue. “He won’t push you, but I don’t think for a minute he doesn’t know something’s going on. At the very least between you and Linus. It’s weird to keep this from him. Really fucking weird.”
I wait.
No reaction.
“How about I put this a different way. I’m not willing to hide anymore.” I decide to speak from my heart and let the chips fall. “Not from anyone. I’m suffocating, Liam. I don’t want to live like this. I’m not some scorned woman. This band isn’t Fleetwood fucking Mac.”
He balks. It’s small, but I see it.
Linus moves closer, settling into the arm of the couch beside me. His hand brushes my neck.
“She’s not wrong,” he says gently. “It’s killin’ her. It’s killin’ me. Can’t we rip off the Band-Aid?”
“It’s killin’ me too.” Liam buries his face in his hands. “I don’t know what to do. If I fuck this up—”
“We held a commitment ceremony, Liam,” I remind him. “It might have been private between the three of us, but we all made a vow. Trust me. The only way you fuck things up is if you let fear win.”
Liam sits up. “You make it sound so easy.”
“It is easy.” I cross my arms.
“Fuck me,” Linus swears under his breath. “This has to stop. You’re already are part of us, Liam. He’ll understand.”
Linus leans over to kiss him but Liam moves his face away.
A second later, Padraig bounds through the door with a wide grin, arms full of energy drinks. “Anyone thirsty?”
We all sit up straighter.
I shake my head at Padraig. “Thanks, I’m gonna make some hot tea with lemon and honey for my voice.”
“Next vocal track’s yours.” He points to Liam. “You ready?”
Liam nods and enters the vocal booth.
“By the way.” Padraig lingers near the couch for a beat. Looks between Linus and me. “You two are solid. Like, rock-solid, yeah?”
My breath catches.
Linus nods once, then puts his arm around me. “We are.”
“Good,” Padraig addresses Linus, but flicks his eyes to his brother. “Liam needs solid.”
I sit frozen, pulse in my throat.
Linus squeezes my shoulder. His touch is warm, but my heart feels cold.
Padraig knows. He’s probably always known. He’s waiting. Protecting Liam the way Liam protects him.
I watch Liam get settled, headphones in place, head bowed, waiting for the track to start. The beat kicks in. He doesn’t look at us. But I hear it. Every single thing he’s isn’t able to tell his brother comes out through the words he sings, and how he sings them.
His phrasing is breathtaking.
All I can hope is he can conquer his demons soon.
I won’t live in the shadows much longer.