Chapter 10
Rob
I loaded Thomas into the stroller Anthony had so generously loaned us.
Hallie grabbed my hand, and we started out walking, with me trying to grasp her as well as steering the stroller.
“Can I help?”
Danny’s warm laugh washed over me.
Hallie pointed to another couple walking down the street. The man had his son on his shoulders while the woman pushed the stroller. The guy looked way stronger than I thought I was, and I doubted he was as fatigued as I was.
Before I could speak, though, Danny knelt before Hallie. “I would love to carry you on my shoulders. But only if you want.” He cleared his throat and winced for, like, the twentieth time.
I wish he didn’t feel so uncomfortable around us.
“Uh…and if your papa says it’s okay?”
Hallie gazed between the two of us. I trusted her to Danny’s care, but I didn’t want her to feel like she had to agree. “Do you want to, sweetheart? Because you don’t have?—”
“I do.” She nodded slowly, turning to watch the other child laughing and waving from his high perch. “Yes, I do.”
No missing the bravado. But I’d be within a foot at all times, and we’d done this when she was younger, so she understood she needed to balance carefully.
Danny’s face broke into a wide grin. “My nieces love doing this.” He considered. “Not so much the boys.”
I could offer no explanation. I only knew my children. Hopefully Thomas would enjoy this when he was older. When I carried Hallie that way, before Thomas had come along and my time had split, she seemed to enjoy that connection. At the very least, she liked gripping my hair. I eyed Danny’s short hair. Not really enough to grab, but I couldn’t be sure. “She might pull.”
He winked. “No worries.” He pivoted, putting his back to Hallie.
I helped her and, within moments, she was secure. He had his hands on her knees and she balanced easily. “Oh, Papa, I can see blue water.”
Danny cut me a glance. I swallowed the lump in my throat. “A first for all of us.”
He grinned. “You’re going to love it.” We sauntered down the street. Hallie’s view came from between the houses as the land gently sloped downward in this area. Soon we found a paved path that led us down to the boardwalk.
And the ocean.
Thomas sat in the front-facing stroller and clapped his hands as we went, as if urging me forward faster.
When we arrived at the junction of the path and the boardwalk, Danny stepped to the side.
I did as well, maneuvering the stroller out of the way so we weren’t blocking the path. Below us stretched an expanse of beautiful sand and then, lapping gently along the shoreline, the Pacific Ocean. My breath caught. As I looked to the right, I could follow the boardwalk along until I spotted first, the pier that went a fair distance into the water, and then the lighthouse on the far horizon. In the other direction, I could see the marina where, clearly, all the boats were stored. Looking outward, I spotted a few boats and then…just blue ocean.
“It always blows my mind.” Danny’s voice held a note of awe. “That it’s thousands of miles until you reach Hawaii, then Japan, and other parts of Asia. Because you can travel the distance so fast in a plane, you almost forget just how vast the ocean is.”
“It’s a little intimidating.” I tried to play it cool, but the vastness of the water overwhelmed me. The simplicity and yet the inherent beauty.
“Yeah.” Danny glanced down at me.
We’d all put on sunscreen, and the adults wore sunglasses while Hallie wore an adorable sunhat with a sunflower planted right in the middle. Prepared for the weather, which was warm today.
“Papa, can I go into the water?”
“Not today, sweetheart. We didn’t bring your bathing suit.” In fact, we don’t have bathing suits here. Our house back in LA had a pool, and both my children were water babies—in the water from a very young age. I wanted them to be able to swim, should they ever find themselves in the water and without assistance. I planned to always be with them, of course. That being said, having their father tagging around when they were thirty-five to ensure they didn’t drown was, perhaps, a bit much.
Danny grinned. “I think Santa might bring you a suit. If you don’t have one.”
“Santa’s not real.” Hallie said the words in a matter-of-fact way that broke my heart.
“What? Of course he’s real.” Danny cut me a desperate look.
Gently, I shook my head.
He winced for the umpteenth time.
“But we don’t tell people that,” I reminded my daughter. “If someone wants to believe, that’s okay.”
She sighed. “Right. Sorry.”
I blinked back tears, grateful for the sunglasses. Gerard had done this. Insisted the children never believe in anything magical. That they always be grounded in reality. We hadn’t fought often, but that had been a bone of contention with me. Despite all my parents’ faults—and there were many—they had at least given me Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and the Easter Bunny. Dragons had been a step too far, though, and no magical fantasy movies for me. When Gerard wasn’t home, though, in those first few months of marriage, I’d watched as many films as I could fit around my chores, on the small television with DVD player he allowed me. I wanted to watch everything. The Lord of the Rings trilogy was, of course, my favorite. Thank God I could borrow things from the library and Gerard wouldn’t know about it. Later, when Hallie came, Gerard allowed her to watch a few things he vetted for appropriateness. But never more than a couple of hours a week. I didn’t dare do more, even when we were home alone.
“Don’t be sorry.” Danny tapped her knee. “Everyone’s different. I kept believing for as long as I could because I thought I wouldn’t get as many presents if I didn’t believe. My brother James explained things to me.” He gave me a grin. “My very logical and smart brother.”
“Aren’t you the one headed to medical school?” I seemed to recall James or Colin saying something about that. All the conversations kind of melded together. Or maybe Danny had said it himself?—
He cleared his throat. “Do you want to walk along the Boardwalk? Might be easier with the stroller. When we get to the pier, we can take our shoes off and walk in the sand.”
“Yeah.” Hallie sounded…almost enthusiastic.
I could’ve kissed Danny for doing this. Everything felt less daunting when he was around. Making even small choices felt weird, though. Gerard had been gone most of the day, with working so much, but he’d always told me what to do…so I hadn’t ever really thought for myself. Now, though, I had to make decisions that affected the three of us. That daunted me pretty much all the time. What if I made the wrong decision? What if I did something that hurt the kids even more? What if I chose the incorrect path, and we wound up back in Gerard’s clutches?
“Hey, are you okay?” Danny had walked about ten feet, while I’d stayed rooted to the spot. He turned and came back. “We don’t have to?—”
“Yeah, we do.” I offered my best smile. “It’s all good, Danny. I promise.”
“Okay.” He bounced Hallie gently.
She giggled.
Everything felt possible again.
And so we walked down the boardwalk toward the center of town. School was out now for the Christmas break, so there were plenty of families wandering around. I spotted two gentlemen and a teenager and two dogs. I gently nudged Danny. “Wow, that sure looks like Widget.”
“Yeah, but it…” His voice trailed off. “Okay…that’s either her doppelg?nger or the girl herself.”
Even as he said the words, the dog spotted him and started dragging the man.
Danny strode toward them, still gripping Hallie. “Hey, slow down.” He held out his hand toward the dog.
The slim, dark-haired man gripping the leash chuckled ruefully. “She seems mighty determined. Apologies. We’re walking her for a friend. She’s usually better behaved.”
“I know she is.” Danny smiled. “Hello, Widget.”
The bulldog wagged her butt so hard she vibrated.
“You know her?” The teenager restraining the big, furry dog glanced up at us, snub nose wrinkled. “You look kind of familiar.” The dog wagged her heavy, white-tipped tail but kept her distance.
“I’m James’s brother, Danny.” He gave a big grin.
Almost more than the situation called for, in my opinion. Although clearly he was glad to meet new people, and couldn’t wave or shake hands while keeping Hallie safe on his shoulders. Danny seemed really social.
Another difference between the two of us.
“Oh, wow.” The boy grinned back. “I’m Kevin. These are my dads.”
The gentleman holding Widget’s leash waved. “I’m Alec.”
“And I’m Joe.” The other gentleman pointed at the dog. “And that’s Zelda.”
Danny crooned at the dog, “Unlike a certain Widget, you’re very well-behaved.” She was, although she pushed herself against Kevin as if not quite certain what to make of all of us.
I don’t blame you.
“This is Hallie.” Danny tilted his head upward. “And that’s Thomas.”
Widget again pulled on her harness.
Alec held steady.
“Oh, she knows the kids.” Danny’s grin didn’t diminish.
“Maybe so…” Alec didn’t look certain. “I’d prefer to keep her away from small children, if that’s okay.”
“Yeah.” Danny’s smile diminished a little. “You’re right. I’m surprised you’re walking her.”
Joe cocked his head. “We do sometimes, when we’re doing a long route and James isn’t around. Colin says he appreciates it.”
Danny blinked. “Oh yeah, James is in San Diego for the day with some client visits. I totally forgot. I never thought to offer to take Widget out for them.”
“Well, we get to, so we don’t mind.” Kevin’s smile radiated. “Widget’s a cool dog. Did you know artist Toulouse-Lautrec painted French bulldogs? Widget looks a lot like this really famous one, Bouboule.”
“I did not know that.” Danny mock frowned. “I’ll just have to have a word with my brother.”
Kevin’s face fell.
Joe nudged him. “He’s teasing.”
“Oh, yeah, sorry.” Danny chuckled. “My family’s…a little over the top. We just assume everyone’s teasing and no one takes anything seriously.”
I filed that tidbit away. Danny sometimes felt like…a lot. It would help to remember he was used to a big family and teasing everyone.
Danny met Joe’s gaze. “Except Colin’s illness, of course.”
“Yeah. That’s why we’re happy to help.” Alec gazed at me. “You’ve got two great kids.”
Suddenly, I realized they might think Danny, and I were together. Two men. One Black, one white. Two kids. One Black, one white.
“Rob’s new in town.” To my relief, Danny spoke first. “He met me when he moved in. I’m still up in LA. You probably didn’t know that.”
Alec cocked his head. “I seem to recall James saying something about a large family, but I didn’t pry.”
Danny laughed. “Oh, feel free to pry. Nothing more we love than talking about my six siblings, seven nieces and nephews, and the five on the way.”
“Oh, wow, that’s cool.” Kevin grinned. “I like being an only child, but I wouldn’t mind a brother or sister. Maybe not six though.”
“Five on the way.” Joe frowned, clearly trying to work that out in his mind.
“Each of my twin sisters are pregnant with twins. And my brother Martin and his wife Shondra are expecting as well.”
“Wow.” Alec’s eyes widened. “That’s…”
“A little over the top?” Danny leaned in. I held my breath as his shoulders tilted but he held Hallie safely and she actually smiled. “I think so, but I get to spoil them all like crazy. I love kids.” He said the words conspiratorially.
Kevin laughed. “Oh man. That’s…a lot of presents.”
“Kevin.” Joe’s voice held just a touch of admonishment.
“Oh, he’s right. I’ll need to get a job just to pay for all the gifts.” Danny laughed. “And I couldn’t be happier.”
Thomas, who’d been amazingly quiet to that point, pounded on his stroller.
Danny, Joe, and Alec all turned to smile at him.
I managed a smile too, though it felt fake. This was so overwhelming. And I hadn’t said…anything. I just didn’t have anything to contribute to the discussion.
“Well, Widget, I think the little man wants us to get a move on.” Danny tipped his chin at Thomas. “And I’ve learned to do what the little ones want.”
“True,” Alec said, with a smile I’d call wistful. “They’re only young for such a short period of time.” He glanced between Hallie and Thomas. “You’re so lucky.”
I cleared my throat. “Yeah, I really am. Lovely to meet you all.” I glanced down at Widget. “Another day, okay?” Thomas adored her, but Hallie was still uncertain around the pup for reasons I couldn’t clearly understand. Usually my daughter loved dogs, so her reticence around Widget confused me. I hoped she wasn’t heading into a new phase because of all the surrounding chaos.
Joe put his hand on Kevin’s shoulder. “I’m sure we’ll see you around. Welcome to town. You’ve picked a great spot.”
Being polite, I didn’t point out that the spot had been picked for me. “Uh, thanks.”
Danny encouraged Halley to wave and she actually lifted a hand as the family, with the two dogs, moved on. He fell into step beside me. “Too bad Thomas couldn’t have said hi to Widget.”
“Alec was right to be cautious.”
“Sure, I guess. Oh, there’s a good spot.” He pointed to a small patch of sand where no one else was around. “Would you like to get down?” He glanced up at Hallie, twisting his neck in a way that couldn’t have been comfortable.
She nodded solemnly.
He lowered himself and I helped her off.
Unsurprisingly, she stayed close to me as I got Thomas out of the stroller.
Danny hefted it over to the spot he’d chosen while I followed behind with the kids. At his encouragement, I’d brought a blanket, a couple of Thomas’s toys, and drinks for us all. Danny spread the blanket and laid out the toys as I plopped my son onto the ground.
He popped back up and made a run for the water.
Danny was closer—and faster—and managed to scoop up my little man before he made it too far. He pivoted and came back to the blanket. “We could take off his shoes and pants, right? He and I could dip our toes in.”
“Sure.” Nothing against propriety there. Hallie, however, couldn’t take her pants off. “Hallie, do you want to roll yours up? We could walk along the shoreline.”
She eyed the water for a long time before she shook her head.
“Next time.” Danny grinned. “We’ll all wear our swimsuits.” He patted his belly. “Better work on this.”
Before I could comment, he had Thomas’s shoes and pants off, had toed off his own shoes, and was down the beach. Well, I could’ve commented…I just didn’t know what to say. Despite Danny making several disparaging remarks, I didn’t have the words to respond. He wasn’t, to my eye, unhealthy. Maybe a couple of pounds over what some people would consider perfect.
Like Gerard.
Yeah, my husband would’ve made negative comments. He often put people down, and everyone who wasn’t their ideal weight garnered his biting remarks—usually only audible in my direction, of course. I never had much of an appetite, so I fit within his definition of acceptable. He worked out daily and liked to show off his body. I’d, once upon a time, thought he was handsome. That he took care of himself. When I discovered that was at the expense of other people—in the form of negativity and derision—I came to see him very differently. That perfect body was a weapon he wielded. It, to his mind, gave him permission to be cruel toward others.
I couldn’t abide by that, and I’d become worried our kids would either get an eating disorder or, just as bad, make cutting remarks.
Danny rolled up his jeans a few inches and walked into the water while holding Thomas’s hands.
My son laughed in delight.
In turn, my breath caught. Much to my frustration, Thomas had very little exposure to people of his cultural and ethnic background. I’d tried to include a variety of people in my circle, but there just weren’t that many Black families on our street and, thanks to my controlling husband, I never left the neighborhood. Thomas’s pediatrician was a brilliant Black woman who kept assuring me that everything would work out. She knew my worries. I didn’t want my son to grow up disconnected from other communities. Just like I worried Hallie’s worldview would be seen through the narrow lens of the neighborhood Gerard had chosen. Of the friendships he chose to cultivate. Of the people he purposely excluded from our little world.
Breathe. He can’t hurt you anymore. He can’t hurt the kids anymore.
Gaynor Beach was clearly an inclusive community in many ways—confirmed as I looked up and down the beach and spotted plenty of color. And diversity of relationships. Not just hetero white families. That alleviated some of my stress.
But not all. I hadn’t found a job. I hadn’t found childcare I could afford. Anthony had arranged to put some emergency funds in my new account at the credit union, but I needed to figure things out. I’d worried about Christmas presents but, thanks to the Reynolds family, that appeared to be taken care of. Hallie would never have said anything, of course, but I liked the idea of having something for her. And we’d had Thomas with us last Christmas, but he’d only been a few weeks old. This was his first real Christmas, as far as I was concerned.
At least I could take pictures with my phone. To commemorate the event. To start to build a life without Gerard. I was worried about losing them, but I’d upload them to my cloud account as soon as I got home.
Hallie curled against me as we sat on the blanket, watching the giant man with the tiny toddler.
“Papa, you okay?”
I gazed down at her. “Yeah, Papa’s okay.”
If I wanted that to be the truth, that was good enough. Right?
I didn’t have an answer to that question either.