25. Blake
Chapter 25
Blake
Sunshine
Can I crash at your place tonight?
Alissa kicked me out so she could bone in peace
Me
How considerate of her
And yes. I must warn you, though.
Cuddles are required.
What a tragedy…
We do what we must.
See you at home *Kissy face emoji*
I respect the hell out of Coach Tucker, but this might be the dumbest thing he has ever done.
We have no official games until after winter break, so when he got a call and took off a week early for personal reasons, he left us in charge of the junior team’s training.
I was looking forward to this, eager to teach them all I know to help them get to the next level, but it’s clear that me and Raf are the only ones willing to do this. Even Levi, usually a stickler for rules and professionalism, is goofing around more than he’s actually playing. Either way, I don’t feel bad about taking a break from it all.
Falling onto the bench in the sin bin, I tear off my helmet and slick back my hair with the sweat off my forehead. The ice is crowded with rowdy players, each one less motivated than the one before. But among them, one voice shouts louder than all, and he weaves through the crowd until both teams are on opposite sides. Raf is done trying to teach, it seems, and is settling for a friendly game instead. Smart.
It’ll get their energy out, and in the process of playing against us they might pick up a trick or two. More importantly, it will reduce the risk of injuries by getting too many pucks to the head from playing helmet darts.
It’s kind of inspiring to see Raf like this. Locked into the game, surveying the field for weak links, taking players aside to give notes so they won’t feel ridiculed. I shouldn’t be surprised, of course. Rafael is like a slightly younger version of Levi, all laser-focused with an unhealthy work ethic. To them, hockey is like breathing; it’s the one thing they need to feel alive.
I used to feel like that, when my mind was on the NHL and I had nothing else to care about. But that was before I saw the game for what it really was to me: a tool to win my mother’s attention, a desperate plea for her love.
I poured everything I had into the sport, foregoing friends and crushes and everything else kids are supposed to have, just to catch a glimpse of what a real mother would do. But she wasn’t there. Never was. Only at important games did she show up, and when I scored a winning goal I might see her crack a smile before she left again. It’s so fucking sad to look back on. What a shitty way to raise your kid.
Being so young, I didn’t fully realize the depths of her neglect. I loved her so much that I did everything she wanted without question, no matter how much I hated it. The only rebellion I ever showed was bringing Lucky home senior year, which is probably why she hates him. She didn’t want me to love anyone but her.
Sucks to be her. She will never know what she’s missing out on. With Lucky, with Alexis. With me.
The worst part might be how her parenting is still affecting me. I latch on to anyone offering even a sliver of warmth, believing they’re my friend when they’re not. Eric, Levi, half the guys on the team. Not Raf, though; he is the one true friend I have, if only because he’s assured me he is without prompting.
Even the girls I took to my bed were nothing more than sexy placeholders, ways to feel the approval I’ve never been given, lapping up the scraps of love thrown my way. But lying next to them the nights were just as cold and lonely, like the warmth could never quite reach me.
That isn’t to say it was all bad back then. Most of the staff stuck around for the majority of my childhood, and our housekeeper, Maria, practically raised me to the point of me calling her Mom for a while. I’ve been dropping the ball on calling her these past few months, I admit. Out of shame, mostly; I know I’m not the man she knows I can be, the man she raised me to become. I’m getting closer to being him, I know I am. But is it enough?
I should call her, make sure she’s okay. Tell her how much I miss her. Then again, any hint of disappointment from her would crush me. Either way, she has a family, kids of her own. I should probably wait until after Christmas.
They are already putting those damn trees up across campus, the radio blasting Christmas songs at full volume. Right now, most of the students are preparing to go back home and spend the holidays with their families. But for me, Christmas means a big, empty house and frozen pizza. No fanfare, no gifts, no warmth. Just me, myself and I, and Lucky. That’s something, I guess, though I have no doubt it will be just as depressing as any other year.
More, even, as I won’t be seeing Alexis for two weeks. You know you’re down bad when the thought of something so small makes you want to cry.
I jump as Raf bangs his fists against the plexiglass barrier between us. “Get off your lazy ass, Taylor. You gonna help us beat them or what?”
I rise, and with a smirk I dive in for the attack.