I Can’t Even

Chapter Twenty-six

“P aisley, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were here, or I wouldn’t have taken such a long shower.” Em was wearing a fluffy bathrobe and had a towel wrapped around her hair. “Soph said you wanted to see me?”

“You.” Paisley pointed at her. “Were here?”

“Of course,” Em said. “I live here. Where else would I be?”

“You’re lying,” Paisley snapped. “You and your miserable sisters are liars and cheats, and I am going to prove it.” With that she stalked back into the house, slamming the door behind her.

Em shrugged and fell into a lounge chair, laughing in relief. I waved at her from the wall and then dropped down to Liam’s lawn. We exchanged smiles. “We did it.” I put my hand on my forehead. My adrenaline rush was abating, and I thought I might pass out.

“Need some coffee?” Liam asked.

“Oh god, yes, please,” I said.

I followed him into his house and sat at the counter while he fussed with the coffee pot. The kitchen was sparse, with the departure of his parents he’d clearly made it a guy’s kitchen with steel appliances and black dish towels. Who had black dish towels? He fussed with the coffee maker. Of course, it was some high-tech gadgetry that made super octane lattes and frothed the milk. I wasn’t complaining. I knew the man could make a cup of joe that would make the angels sing.

He looked so handsome in his unshaven, sloppily dressed, man-in-no-hurry attire that I felt the usual longing rise inside of me, and because it’s me, I couldn’t resist poking the bear.

“Isn’t your girlfriend going to be upset that you helped me out?” I rested my chin in my hand while I watched him steam the milk.

“She’s not my girlfriend.” Liam gave me one piercing glance over his shoulder and then went back to work.

“Please,” I said. “You’ve been shagging the squash tart for the past two days, how is she not your girlfriend?”

“There was no shagging,” he said.

I raised my hand in a stop gesture and stood up. Coffee or no, I did not want him to deny what my own eyes had seen. He was better than that and even if he was mad at me, I deserved the truth.

“I’m serious, Jules,” he said. “Nothing happened between me and Courtney. I took her home after the art festival but then she had an Uber bring her back that night, trying to win me over. It didn’t work. I was too upset about...things. She slept in the guest bedroom.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. I wanted to believe him so badly, but I just couldn’t get the sight of her hugging him out of my mind.

“Nice try,” I said. “But I saw her crawl all over you in her cute little robe.”

“Yeah, I let her do that,” Liam said. “It was dumb, and it caused more problems than it was worth. I only did it because I was still so pissed about you and Jessie.”

He sounded sincere. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe him so bad.

“All right, if you weren’t with her, where have you been the past few days?” I held my breath. Please do not say her place because I could not make myself believe that nothing had happened there.

“I went to down to San Diego to check on my coffee shop there and do some surf therapy in Pacific Beach.”

“Alone?”

“Yes, pitifully tragically alone.”

I opened my mouth to pepper him with more questions when his doorbell chimed. We looked at each other in alarm. Had Paisley heard us? Had she figured out I was here? Was she going to try and cause more trouble?

“Stay here.” Liam left me in the kitchen and went to answer the bell.

I crouched in the kitchen, peering around the wall to see the front door. If it was Paisley, I hoped Liam would be able to chase her away before she caused another ruckus.

But when Liam swung the door open, it wasn’t Paisley standing there. It was Jessie. Uh oh!

I hurried out of the kitchen, thinking I should have grabbed the fire extinguisher in case things got heated.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Liam asked. Yeah, like that. Although truthfully, I wasn’t completely sure that was what he’d said because his teeth were clenched.

“ We are looking for Jules,” Dante answered.

Dante stepped around Jessie, who looked nervous, although really outstanding in a bright pink wrap dress and low heels with her hair up in a twist and her make-up light but still accentuating her best features. I had spent years sitting at cosmetics counters with Jess while she learned the fine art of makeup application. Liam didn’t move aside but that did not deter Dante as he pushed past Liam into the house. Liam lifted his fist like he was going to take a swing at him.

“Who the hell are you?” Liam asked Dante before glaring in my direction. “Boyfriend of yours?”

“No, Dante’s spoken for. Pity,” I said.

All three of them turned toward me and I can only assume I must have been quite a sight, because both Jessie and Dante looked horrified while Liam seethed.

“Jules, what is this ?” Dante waved his hands in the air as if to encompass my entire ensemble. He clutched his chest as if pleading for mercy. “You’re killing me here. You know that, right?”

Dante was a tall, lithe black man whose style was legendary among our set in New York. His suits were all bespoke, his shoes maintained an optimum gloss, his head was shaved to perfection, his eyebrows threaded into matching arcs of irreverence, his hygiene was scrupulously maintained, and there was never an ounce of extra fat on his perfectly sculpted physique. Ever. I was pretty sure he wasn’t human.

“Sorry,” I said. “Things have been a bit hectic and by that, I mean completely insane.”

Dante reached out to hug me tight and then pushed me back to study my outfit, which made him frown, and then he used both hands to grab fistfuls of my wayward curls as if he had no idea what to do with them. Join the club. I heard a noise behind him and glanced over his shoulder to see Liam’s eyes narrow into slits, and a low growl emitted from his throat.

“This is the moment,” Dante hissed at me. “It’s the big love scene at the end of the movie, the one we’ve all been waiting for, and you look like this. Could you not have put in a token effort, like with a comb or some lipstick?”

The laughter welled up inside of me before I could stop it. I hugged Dante close and said, “Babs would have so preferred having you for a child in place of me.”

“Don’t be a dumbass,” Dante said.

“I’m not,” I said. “You’re suave and debonair—everything she ever wanted.”

“But she cared about you,” Dante said. “It’s so obvious.”

“How do you figure?” I asked. “She did everything she could to ruin my life.”

“Did she really?” Dante tapped his chin. “Or was she so desperate to keep you from throwing away your life on a relationship you weren’t ready for that she chased you away instead? Do you really think that was easy for her? Losing you, even if you were her whipping girl, that sort of loss takes more heart than most mothers have.”

I sucked in a breath and ducked my head. Was he right? Had Babs forced me out for my own benefit? The thought boggled.

“Think about it,” Dante said. “You were about to give up the college of your dreams for an eighteen-year-old boy. Right or wrong, she did what she thought was best at the time. Can you really say that isn’t some sort of love? If she really hated you, she would have squashed your Ivy League dreams instead.”

I blinked at him. Oh, my god, all this time I thought she’d driven me away because I was the daughter she couldn’t stand with my wild curls and rebellious ways and then when I found out she wasn’t actually my mother, I’d thought it was because she hated me. But maybe, just maybe, Dante was right, and Babs had driven me away so that I could have choices, more choices than an eighteen-year-old marrying her boyfriend would ever have.

“I don’t know why you’re here, Jessie, and I don’t really care, but Jules stays with me. Now take your friend and get out of my house.” Liam’s tone was harsh. I glanced at Jessie who seemed on the verge of tears.

Okay, no time to dwell on Dante’s revelation. I patted his arm and moved to stand in between Jessie and Liam.

“Liam, don’t,” I said.

“Don’t what?” he asked. “Kick him...sorry...her out? It’s no more than she deserves.”

Dante moved to stand beside me in front of Jessie.

“I’m sorry. We haven’t been introduced. I’m Dante Williams.” He extended his hand. Liam just glared. Dante brushed his hands together and continued, “Listen, I know there is some history here, but if you touch my girlfriend Jessica in an aggressive manner, I’ll have to kick your ass. And I will. There won’t be enough left of you for Jules to scoop up with a spoon.”

Liam’s head tipped to the side like a dog hearing a very high-pitched whistle. He looked at me. I nodded. He looked at Dante. He nodded. He looked past both of us at Jessie, who stepped between us and faced Liam with her hands spread wide as if to say sorry.

“Girlfriend?” Liam asked.

“Actually, I’ve recently been upgraded to fiancé,” Jessie said. She held up her left hand so we could all admire her sparkler.

“Excellent choice,” I whispered to Dante.

He, the king of cool, actually blushed. “She’s worth it.”

“So, this.” Liam gestured to the pretty pink dress Jess was wearing. “This is really you. You’re a chick for real. You’re not fucking with me.”

“No, I’m not,” Jessie said. She shook her head at him. “I went all in on the gender reassignment, and I have to say I turned out fabulous.”

“That’s my girl,” Dante cheered.

“Holy shit,” Liam said. He clapped a hand to his forehead as if he was trying to hold the idea in his head. “How did you know? When did you know?”

Jessie stared up at the ceiling. “Well, I had my first wet dream, in which you had a featured role by the way, when I was fourteen. At first I thought I was gay but I soon realized I didn’t feel the way a man feels about another man, I felt the way a woman feels about her man. That was when I began to realize that my exterior didn’t match my interior, if you get my drift.”

“Oh.” Liam said. A red blush crept up his face that was pretty freaking cute now that he’d stopped yelling and all. No one moved. No one spoke. The ticking of the clock on the wall seemed inordinately loud as we all stood there, watching him process.

“Wait for it,” Dante muttered to me.

“So, you had feelings for me?” Liam asked. He looked like he was trying to get comfortable with the thought.

“Not just feelings,” Jessie said. “I was deeply, desperately, in love with you.”

I didn’t think it was possible, but Liam’s face got even redder. His gaze shot to me before he turned back to Jess. “So, it’s true, you and Jules never...”

“No, urgh, gross,” Jessie gagged.

“Um, thanks?” I said.

Dante snickered.

“Wait!” Liam threw his hands up in a stop gesture. He stared at me wanting to understand. “Did you know about this? Did you know when you left with him...er...her?”

“No, not until we reached Oklahoma,” I said. Jessie and I exchanged a look. That had been the defining moment in our friendship.

“But you two left town together. You were a couple,” Liam insisted.

“No, we were just two young people escaping some very tough situations,” Jessie said.

Liam looked at Jessie then at me. His brow furrowed and he opened his mouth to say something but closed it. He turned away from us. He turned back. He was so clearly a man wrestling with the knowledge that everything he had ever believed to be true was wrong that I longed to close the distance between us and hug him. I resisted. He had to come to grips with this on his own. Finally, he stopped spinning and glared at Jessie.

“But you were my best friend!” Liam shouted.

“And now we’re there,” Dante muttered again just to me.

“And you were mine,” Jessie said. “You can imagine how difficult it was for me to realize I was as in love with you as you were with Jules. When you told me you were going to ask her to marry you, I broke. I just couldn’t face the fact that you and I would never be together in the way I’d hoped even though I knew it was impossible. I mean, I loved you and I loved Jules, and I loved you two together, but I...”

The pain on Jessie’s face was as raw as it had been the first time she’d told me all of this somewhere in the middle of Oklahoma. I didn’t fault him then and I couldn’t fault her now.

“If it makes any difference, when we arrived in New York I tried to look out for Jules for you,” Jessie said.

My throat grew thick. I had always suspected Jessie was keeping watch over me, now I knew it to be true, and why.

“It doesn’t,” Liam gritted out between clenched teeth. He turned away while flexing his fist, looking like he wanted to plant it in the wall. He took a deep breath and tossed over his shoulder, “Okay, maybe it helps a little.”

When he turned back and glanced at his friend, the hurt in his brown eyes was like a bruise. “You could have told me, Jessie. I would have stood by you. I loved you like a brother. You could have told me anything.”

Jessie barked out a humorless laugh. “Dude, I was nineteen. I could barely admit my feelings to myself, and you know what my father’s like. I was terrified I’d be disowned, which I have been, by the way.

“I had to leave. It just happened that Jules and her mother had a big blowout over your proposal, and she was running away, too. I didn’t know where to go and she was headed to New York, so I told her I’d drive her there and then I stayed. I never wanted to lie to you, but the truth hurt too much. I honestly felt like I would die.”

I heard a sob as Dante pressed his knuckles to his mouth and swiveled on his heel, facing away from us. My eyes were damp, and my chest hurt as if my heart was being squeezed by a giant fist. I couldn’t look away from the two people who meant so much to me.

They stood staring at each other and then Jessie drew a ragged breath and said, “I am so so sorry, Liam. I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to lose you. I just didn’t know what else to do.”

Liam nodded. It was a jerky sort of nod as if he was still trying to process all that he had learned but he was getting there. In one swift motion, he grabbed Jessie by the hand and pulled her into a bear hug. It was the same sort of hug I’d seen him give Em a million times.

“I get it,” Liam said. His voice was gravel rough. “I wish I could have been there for you, but it’s okay. We’re good.”

Now Dante was openly weeping, and tears coursed down my cheeks as well. Jessie glanced at me over Liam’s shoulder. She gave me a watery smile and reached for me, pulling me into the hug. I half expected Liam to push me out of it, but he didn’t. Instead, they both hugged me into the circle.

“So, am I forgiven?” Jessie asked. “You know, like that time I dropped your new motorcycle and scratched the chrome?”

Liam chuckled and the sound was hoarse. “Or that time I took a sucker punch from that bully Kyle Markus because he swung at you and you ducked, forgetting to tell me to do the same when I was standing right behind you?”

Jessie let out a strangled laugh. “Yeah, like that.”

Liam stepped back and looked at Jessie with a slow smile lifting the corner of his lips. “Of course, I forgive you. You’re my best friend.”

Heart explosion! That would explain the swelling feeling in my chest as I was so happy and relieved that these two were burying the hatchet and not in each other.

“Listen, Liam,” Jessie said, abruptly serious. She stepped out of the hug and put her hands on her hips. “If you’re forgiving me, you have to forgive Jules, too. I made her swear not to tell anyone, especially you, about me. I put her in a really tough spot.”

Liam turned to look at me with a grim expression. I didn’t suppose there was forgiveness in his heart for me. Too much had happened. Too much hurt had accumulated.

“We do have some unfinished business.” Liam pointed between the two of us and I nodded. He glanced at Jessie and Dante. “Make yourselves at home. We’ll be back in a bit.”

He took me by the elbow and led me into the master bedroom on the far side of the house. I saw Jessie take a step forward as if to follow, but Dante hooked her elbow and held her back.

Liam let go of me as soon as we stepped into the room. He also shut the door and put his back to it, crossing his arms over his chest as he glared at me.

“Why were you running away that day?” he asked. “I understand why Jessie did what she did but why you? Why did you leave me? Was it because of what I asked you that night?”

So, here it was. The moment of truth. It took everything I had not to look away to avoid the ragged edge of hurt I could see in his eyes. Instead, I squared my shoulders and said, “No, when you asked me to marry you and I said yes, I meant that with all my heart. I left Gull’s Harbor for you. I did it to save you.”

“From what? From loving you?” Liam uncrossed his arms and ran a hand through his hair. “Because I can tell you right now that didn’t work.”

A sob burbled up and I pressed my fingers to my lips. Tears coursed down my cheeks and my throat was clenched so tight with emotion that I could barely get the words out.

“Oh, Liam,” I said.

“Just tell me why, why did you leave me?” Liam’s voice was raw.

I fidgeted with the zipper on my hoodie. Zip Zip . Until he stared at my hand, and I stopped.

“Babs heard you ask me to marry you, and she heard me say yes,” I said. “That’s why she freaked out on us. Not so much about the sex, although that didn’t help, but definitely the proposal pushed her right over the edge.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “But I think it has to do with the fact that she,” I paused to swallow before pushing out the words I was still coming to grips with. “She isn’t really my mom.”

“What?”

“Yeah, at the reading of the will, I was given a letter from my dad. In short, he fell in love with a woman named Lisa Michaels and she got pregnant with me. When Soph was sick with meningitis, Dad prayed for her to live and offered to give up Lisa in return for sparing his daughter. When Soph got better, Dad told Babs everything about Lisa and me. Babs paid my birth mother to give me up and go away and she did.”

“Whoa,” he said. “You’ve been dealing with that on top of everything else?”

“Dealing is a more active verb than what I’ve been doing,” I said. “I should have told you all this before but I just...I just wanted to be with you.”

A small smile tipped his lips. “Oh, surfer girl, what am I going to do with you?”

“Accept my apology for that night and for all the misery I caused you,” I suggested. “I really am so sorry.”

“First tell me what she did to make you run away?” He kept his arms clenched over his chest.

“Do you remember when she slammed into the room and start screaming ‘Get out!’?” I asked.

“Oh, yeah,” he said. “That moment has been seared into my brain since it happened.”

“When she was handing you your backpack, she slipped her diamond ring into it,” I said. “Babs told me after you left that if I chose marriage to you over college, she was going to call the police and have you arrested for the theft of her ring. She would have done it, too.”

Liam went pale and staggered on his feet. I knew exactly what he was feeling as I’d felt the same the night Babs had hit me with the ultimatum.

“I found the ring in my bag,” Liam said. “I brought it back to her the next day. I thought she’d lost it when she tossed me out on my ass. I was hoping to see you, but she said you were gone and then she shut the door in my face.”

This did not surprise me at all. Babs never pulled her punches.

“Why would she do such a hateful thing?” he asked.

“Dante says she did it for my own good, because she didn’t want me to end up married and trapped like Soph, but I don’t know. I’ve long suspected she did it to get rid of me once and for all,” I said. “And despite wanting to believe she did it for commendable reasons, I still believe it’s more likely that she wanted me gone because I was a constant reminder of my father’s infidelity. It must have eaten her alive.”

“You know I never would have let you give up your dream of going to Columbia,” Liam said. “Yes, I wanted to be engaged to you, to know that we were going to stay together no matter what, but I never would have stopped you from going to New York or finishing college. I was planning to wait for you, for as long as it took.”

“I know that,” I said. “But maybe I was the one who couldn’t wait.”

“What do you mean?”

“I chose you,” I said. “When Babs forced me to choose between college or you, I told her that I chose you.”

“Oh, Jules.” His voice was so soft I could barely hear him.

“I would have chucked away all those years of study to get into my dad’s alma mater, my scholarships, my dreams of living in the Big Apple for a few years, all of it, to be with you. Babs knew it, which is why she gave me no choice, whether it was for my own good or hers, I don’t know.”

Liam stared at me. “Did you really mean it?”

“Mean what?” I asked.

He began walking toward me, his gaze intent on my face, purpose in his every stride. My heart rate kicked up a notch when he stopped right in front of me.

“Would you have thrown it all away for me?” he asked.