Chapter 12
Logan
“So, what you’re telling me, Logan, is that you worked on how you were feeling about your roommate, worked on how you were treating her, and it seems to have alleviated the situation between the two of you this week?”
Well, when Dr. Jean put it that way, it sounded like I’d done a good thing this week.
And yeah, Tink and I were getting along better.
We spent a few nights working well together on our project, which was due next Tuesday, so that had something to do with it.
There were still moments she earned her name Tink when we weren’t study partners, but overall, there was improvement.
But what my doctor didn’t know was what I’d been fantasizing about.
My mind had become consumed with thoughts of Ava. The nicer she was to me, the more they increased.
When she smiled at me, I envisioned walking up and pulling her close, wrapping my arms around her tiny waist as her legs wrapped around mine.
I’d place her on the kitchen island, stand between those toned legs clad in sleep shorts as her hands landed against my ass.
I’d lean in close, my mouth against her neck, feeling her pulse beating faster as her breath hitched.
My lips would work their way up her jaw, toward that lip ring that taunted me day and night.
Her tongue would play with it as I approached.
All signs she wanted this as much as I did.
Like I said, it was a fantasy.
Or when we walked upstairs after a night of working together, and I admired her amazing ass in those tight jeans, my mind dreamt of her taking my hand and leading me to her room.
Of course it didn’t happen, and I wound up in my own bed.
But once I did, that fantasy continued, and my hand wound up on my dick.
It frustrated the hell out of me that I felt this way.
“Um, yeah, I guess you could say that. We’ve been getting along better,” I told her through the screen.
If my therapist knew I was hoping for a relationship, she wouldn’t think I was doing as well as she thought. Although, I was hoping for a relationship with someone who only last week still showed signs of hating me, so I was getting ahead of myself.
Was it a relationship I wanted, or was it sex I was after?
“Well, that’s excellent, Logan,” Dr. Jean said, interrupting my thoughts. “You’re doing great. That combined with putting yourself in the setting of the party last week and coming out as well as you did, how does that make you feel?”
How did that make me feel?
Being around the alcohol at the party wasn’t the problem, Ava was. So I guess I was doing pretty well.
“I feel…proud. It also feels good to be kinda normal. I mean, I know I’m not partaking while at the parties, but it felt good to be at one. And socialize again.”
She nodded at my response, her smile wide.
“Also, I’ve decided that since I’m not going to be joining a fraternity, I’m joining a team.
” Her eyes lit up through the screen. “They don’t have a club football team, and that was my sport in high school, but they have rugby.
That’s pretty similar, so I’m heading to a meeting next week and plan on joining. ”
I’d decided to do it after the party. I couldn’t spend all my weekends alone or trying to deal with parties; I needed something just for me. A rough team sport was the perfect outlet for dealing with my own brain.
“Great idea, Logan. And you know how I feel about adding physical activity to your life, so the more the better,” she said. But then her face morphed into a look I knew all too well as her lips thinned and her head tilted to the side: the warning was coming. She snickered at my knowing look.
“There is something else I need to bring up. I’m sure you think you’re prepared for what I’m going to say,” she said.
“Usually this is when I tell you to be vigilant with your techniques if you’re having any panic attacks, or to call me if you need me more than what’s scheduled.
But what you need to be prepared for is a relapse, Logan. ”
I couldn’t even swallow my own spit past the lump in my throat. Did she not have faith in me to succeed? Did she see something in me that told her I would fail?
“What are you saying?”
“No one likes to hear it, but statistics show that it’s more prevalent than we’d like to admit.
Especially in your age bracket. But the positive is you made it well past the ninety-day mark, which is the time frame most relapses occur.
” She paused. “Of course, the concern now is you have access to your addictive substance.” Her smile returned.
“Chin up, kiddo. I’m still rooting for you.
This in no way means I think you’re going to relapse, it’s just something we need to talk about because of its prevalence combined with your new circumstances. I’d be remiss to not bring it up.”
It was shitty to hear the news, but I was well past the first window.
I was nine months into my sobriety already.
Reaching a full year was a major milestone.
The one thing I hadn’t continued with once returning to school were my AA meetings.
There just wasn’t enough time in the day, in my life, to fit them in.
But with her explanation about relapses, maybe I needed to make time.
“Can I ask you one more question?” she asked.
I nodded slowly through the computer screen. My body was going numb at this point, not sure I could take much more of today’s session.
“It’s been a while since we’ve spoken about your father, your real father. I know it’s a topic you prefer to shy away from, but I’d like to add it to our ticket for next week, if that’s OK?”
My father. He wasn’t a man I wanted to talk about ever again. Unfortunately, he was a person who still infiltrated my thoughts, my head, more often than he should. And that probably meant I should talk it through.
My eyes looked around my room, bouncing from ceiling to floor, avoiding the screen at all costs. But she gave me the time I needed. Eventually, I found my way back to her.
Her look was calming as she sat in her worn leather office chair.
An office I was all too familiar with, and at times longed for.
I loved the sound machine she always had on, the sound of soothing ocean waves in the background.
Sometimes I felt as though these video sessions weren’t quite getting the job done.
“Yeah, we can add it to next week’s session,” I told her. Though I wouldn’t be looking forward to it.
We finished by confirming our day and time for next week and signed off. Every time we did that, I always felt a little down. Like I’d lost a lifeline to one of the people who’d gotten me to where I was. Who dragged me up from my bottom.
But I reminded myself it was me here doing the work, and I was doing a damn good job.
“It’s fucking cold out here,” Ty said. “Getting across this drillfield is honestly something I’ve come to dread in the winter.”
We walked as fast as we could without breaking into a run.
That kind of walk, with your face down, where you could easily ram into someone since you weren’t watching where you were going.
The wind was whipping, and my beanie almost flew off my head.
I’d left my gloves in my truck, so my hands were buried deep in my pockets.
“We’re almost there,” I told him.
The door to the Student Union was within sight.
With it brought guaranteed heat, at least if we moved away from those ridiculous automatic sliding doors that were constantly opening.
We barreled through them, continuing our stride to the middle of the open space.
Becca and Lanie sat by a small group of upholstered chairs, and we went straight for them.
Ty scooped Becca into his arms, their reunion as if they hadn’t only seen each other a couple hours ago.
“They’re definitely back together, aren’t they?” Lanie said.
I laughed as I peeled off my hat and backpack, taking a seat next to her. “You could say that again,” I told her. “Where’s Xander?”
“He’s back at the apartment packing up. We’re heading to see his mom for the weekend.”
Nodding in approval, I was happy she had Xander and his family.
Lanie’s parents no longer lived in the country.
They got themselves, and Lanie, mixed up in some fucked-up shit involving her ex-boyfriend and his mafia-related family last year.
Instead of sticking around to help her, they took off and left her on her own.
They thought giving her some money would be enough to take care of things.
Thankfully she found Xander, and his family has taken her in as if she was one of their own already.
“Good,” I said. Then I looked at the two who were embarrassingly crawling over each other in one chair. “I hate to bring him up, but any news on the Max front?”
She looked away, a far distant look taking over. I really hated even saying his name. The guy was a fucking bastard and would’ve killed her most likely if Xander hadn’t stepped in last year.
Part of why I had to be happy she had Xander.
He’d already laid down his life for her.
“Nothing lately. Still just that he’s out of jail and on house arrest.” Her voice was strong as she spoke about him. That was encouraging. “But with him, ya just never know.”
I reached over and gave her arm a squeeze. She nodded, and I knew she fully understood I’d always be there for her. Not just emotionally, but physically as well, if it ever came to it again with that guy.
“Wait, aren’t Ty and Becca going home this weekend also? To see Savannah?” I asked, putting it all together.
“Yeah, I think so. Unless their plans changed, I think they’re leaving soon.”
Becca was my buffer in the house with Ava.
If things got bad, I could count on Becca putting Ava, or me, in our place to temper the moment.
Even though things were going OK this week, Ava was a temperamental little thing and it was never a guarantee.
I wasn’t looking forward to not having Becca around to help with that.
Or maybe there was more to why I didn’t want to be alone with her.
“What’s wrong?” Lanie studied me, forcing me to look away.
“Nothing, all good. Looks like I’ll have a weekend with Ava and Macie.”
Her smile confused me. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking about what I’d said, but she definitely had an opinion. Though I wasn’t sure I wanted to stick around to find out what it was.
“Gotta go,” I told her. “Have a good weekend, Lanie.”
Her smile widened as I got up to leave, which made me more self-conscious.
“Ty.” I cleared my throat to get his attention since he was still busy with Becca. They both looked my way. “Hey, guys, I’m heading out. Have a good weekend.”
Becca jumped from his lap and into me, wrapping her arms around me.
“You too, big guy.” She pulled away and looked up at me. “Enjoy the snow, there’s supposed to be some coming tonight. That’s why we’re heading out soon, to miss it.”
I’d been so busy with classes and that damn project I felt out of the loop. Not only was I unaware of the impending snow, but I hadn’t been to the gym in days. It felt good to be done with classes for the week, so I’d reward myself with a workout.
“I will, thanks for the heads-up. I’m heading to the gym first, though, so you guys drive safe.”
Ty came around to shake my hand right before I made my exit.
The gym was empty. Not surprising for a Friday afternoon. Most people weren’t thinking about workouts but rather what they were doing that night. It gave me the run of the place, use of any machine I wanted.
I got in a full workout within ninety minutes, which was unheard of at this place.
The campus was equally deserted as I made my way to my truck.
The sky had the look of snow on its way.
There was always that feel in the air before a storm.
A gloomy gray coldness with an edge to it wrapped around quiet solitude.
The animals sensed it. They knew it was coming and were in hiding, preparing.
Very different from humans rushing to the market to stock their refrigerators with food for a few days of being indoors. Utter chaos. I was going to stay away from the food store. Thankfully, I didn’t need anything.
Pulling up to the townhouse, my frog friend greeted me. As I approached him, I decided to move him further under the bushes. He was close to the edge of the walkway, and I didn’t want him getting disturbed by shovels or snow blowers.
Pushing him into the dirt to make him straight, I stood back to take a look.
“What are you doing?”
My head snapped to the sound of the voice behind me. The tiny spitfire was standing with her hand on her hip, looking judgmental as shit.
Standing to my full height, I faced her.
“I’m moving the statue away from the sidewalk. We’re supposed to get snow, and I didn’t want him to get damaged.”
She guffawed. “What is it with you and that thing?” Her key was in the lock, opening the front door before she finished speaking.
“I don’t know,” I said as I stepped up behind her. “He was the first thing I saw on the day I moved in. It was like his smile welcomed me.” The risk of opening up to her suddenly made me stop talking.
And there was good reason.
“A statue smiled at you?” The incredulity in her voice was almost vicious.
I was stunned, but I shouldn’t have been.
“Oh, I see. Tink is back, and Ava is gone.”
She turned to look at me, venom in her eyes.
“Funny, I had no idea you even knew my real name.”
That was how our snowy weekend got started.