Chapter 13
Ava
Fuck. Fuck…fuck…fuck. Why did I always resort to being a bitch with him? He did or said nothing to me that warranted me speaking to him like that. And before I had the chance to say anything, even try to apologize, he’d gone upstairs.
Who was I kidding? I knew full well why I wanted to alienate him. The past few days scared the shit out of me.
We were getting along.
And that couldn’t happen. Because if we started getting along, then these feelings that were fluttering around in my belly would start making a mess inside my head. I’d start making decisions with the wrong part of my body: my heart instead of my brain.
So, bottom line, we couldn’t get along.
“Hey, girl,” Macie said as she came bounding into the kitchen. Her smile was bright as she slung an overnight bag across her shoulder.
That could only mean one thing.
“So, I’m guessing Jace called you?”
She froze as if caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Her look of disbelief was quickly veiled by a more neutral face, but it was enough for me to know.
“Macie.” My motherly tone was raging.
“I’m fine, Ava. We had a long talk last night, and he seems ready to move on with what I’m looking for. He agreed to us hanging out, spending time together, before taking the plunge again.” She literally used air quotes.
“You mean to tell me you’re packing an overnight bag and you have no plans of having sex tonight?”
She went about packing up a bag of snacks and food items. Enough food to feed her and an army. That was when I knew something was really up.
“Macie…”
She knew I wanted answers.
“OK, fine. I’m going to his place for the weekend. So, yeah, maybe by the end of the weekend it might happen, ya never know.”
No amount of warnings would stop her, she’d made up her mind. Maybe Jace would be a man of his word. He wasn’t the worst guy she’d been with, and he made her happy when they were together and not fighting.
Gathering her things, she started for the door.
“Be careful,” I said.
She stopped and swung back toward me.
“I’m going in smart, Ave, don’t worry. This time I won’t let things get out of hand with him.
If he really seems like he’s not on board for a relationship, I’ll come back home.
I’m good. We really did have a good talk.
” She seemed more levelheaded than ever.
“So, it looks like it’s just you and Logan this weekend. ”
What the fuck?
“What do you mean?” The high pitch of my voice did nothing to hide my panic.
Macie was halfway out the door, grabbing her parka from the hook, as she answered me.
“Becca and Ty went to see Savannah this weekend. You have fun, too.”
And she shut the door.
The walls seemed to close in around me.
Suddenly this four-bedroom, three-floor townhouse seemed way too small. How was I going to do this? Logan and I, alone, in the house, all weekend together.
And I had no plans made yet. I’d have to get something going. Call an old hookup and get out of here tonight or tomorrow.
Then I heard his thudding footsteps coming down the stairs. Amazing that in socked feet he could sound like an entire army on these floors. He came bounding into the room, a giddy smile on his face as he ran to the window.
“It’s already snowing, Tink. Did you see outside?” As he pulled up the blinds, he seemed oblivious to how I’d just treated him, which made me feel even worse.
I peeked around his large frame, and sure enough, there was already a coating on the grass. Grabbing the remote, Logan turned on the weather station.
“Shit, they’re calling for a major storm. At least eighteen inches by tomorrow, maybe two feet by Sunday.”
How did I not know about this? Usually my mom would be calling to ask if I was prepared, had enough food, my boots, yada, yada. Sure enough, when I pulled out my phone, I saw two missed calls from her.
“So, I know the last thing you want to do is probably watch a movie with me, but I thought you, me, and Macie could, I don’t know, do that tonight. Maybe make some popcorn or hot chocolate? That’s what we always did at home when we were stuck inside with a storm.”
He didn’t know.
He had no idea it was just him and me.
But I didn’t feel like being the one to tell him.
“Yeah, maybe.” Fiddling with my phone, I started toward my room. “I have to make a phone call.”
My mom’s number was dialing before I made it to the top of the stairs.
“Hey, honey, busy day? I tried reaching you a few times, wanted to find out if you’re ready for the snow coming your way,” she asked.
“Busy week.” Closing my door, I fell onto my bed fully prepared to come clean with her on the phone.
I needed to tell someone.
“You OK, Ava?”
Such a loaded question.
“Yeah, Mom, I’m OK. I just, ugh, can I ask you a question?”
The silence that followed was unusual. She always responded immediately.
“This sounds serious. Are you in trouble?” she finally responded.
“No!”
Well, not the type she thought, anyway. Though, I had no idea what trouble she was thinking I was in.
“Well, then what’s up, my darling? Don’t keep a mother on eggshells like this.”
“OK, so when you left Dad, you, umm…Christ, this is hard to talk to your mom about.”
She chuckled through the line.
“Spit it out, babe. We’re both adults, I can take it,” she said.
“Did you have any boyfriends after Dad?”
There was no hesitation in her answer, whether I wanted there to be or not.
“Of course I did. I was just really good at keeping it from you and your sister.” She let out a belly laugh on the other side of the line.
“I went on dates, and there was one guy I got kind of serious with at one point. But I chose not to bring even him around. Unless I thought it was going to end in, well, marriage, I didn’t want anyone getting close to you girls and then walking out on us. ”
That made sense, and I respected that. It probably would’ve been hard if we’d gotten attached to someone else and then they dipped.
“Why do you ask? Did you think your mom would die a spinster?” She laughed again.
“No…nothing like that.”
I sat back on my bed, surrounded by my pillows as my eyes were drawn to the window. The soft flakes drifted through the sky, lazily making their way to the ground. It was beautiful, but it reminded me of what was waiting for me downstairs and the anxiety ratcheted within.
“Mom, how were you able to be with someone else after Dad? Like, how were you not scared that another guy wasn’t going to do the same things to you? Hurt you…”
The hum of her contemplation was loud through the silent phone line.
“We try to protect our children the best we can as parents,” she said. “But there was no protecting you from what he did, was there?”
The hitch in her voice told me she was crying, and that broke my heart. My intention wasn’t to open old wounds for her.
“Mom…” I barely whispered into my phone.
“I’m OK, baby, it just hurts a momma’s heart to know you had to witness all of that.”
She blew out a loud huff as if to gain strength.
“Life must go on, Ava. All people aren’t bad, and you have to trust your instincts and surround yourself with the good ones.
Once you do that, you’ll feel comfortable opening up and giving yourself over to them.
” She stopped, the pause giving me time to digest her words.
“You obviously have someone in your life you have concerns about. Talk to me.”
Moms.
I guessed this was exactly why I called, but the thought of telling her about Logan made me nauseous. For so many reasons.
“Yeah,” I said, unsteadily. “It’s…my roommate, the guy who moved in this semester. So there’s a whole slew of issues.”
She remained silent.
“I, um, have some feelings for him, and it’s really confusing me because he has a past that bothers me, plus he’s my roommate.
Macie and I made a pact that neither of us would get involved with him, for obvious reasons.
And to top it off, he’s an asshole to me most of the time.
Do you know what he calls me, Mom? Tink. He calls me Tink!”
All I heard was a muffled giggle on the other end of the line.
“Oh my god, are you laughing? What about this do you find funny?”
She stifled her giggles, finally.
“Most of it. Most except the part about his past. Tell me about that part, babe.”
The snow fell heavier outside and the mountain range was no longer visible. The storm Logan spoke about was really happening, and I was going to be stuck here with him, alone.
“Well, last year, he, um, did something to Lanie, the roommate who moved out, that really upset her. He touched her, held her down, and wouldn’t let her go until her now boyfriend came and pulled him off her. She freaked out.”
I heard my mom’s breathing increase slightly as she listened, but she remained quiet. And so did I.
But then I gave in.
“That doesn’t concern you?” My exasperation came through. I guess I was looking for her to tell me to run. Run far away from this guy, and I was shocked she hadn’t already.
“Of course it does, Ava. Is there anything else you can tell me? I mean, you’re living with him now. Plus you’re telling me you now have feelings for him, so there has to be something else you see in this Logan guy. Is there more to the story you’re not telling me? Or is that it?”
“Well, yeah,” I started, then stopped.
“Honey, if you want me to really help you, you need to talk to me, really talk to me. Or, if you already know the answer to your own question, then just move on.”
“OK, fine. He was drunk when he did it. Then left school last year to enter a program. He’s been sober since and works really hard at it.
Turns out he’s a really nice guy. So nice that Lanie and her boyfriend are literally friends with him now.
” I threw my hand on my forehead in my own frustration as I stared at the ceiling, somehow thinking the answer to all my issues would be written cryptically up there.
“But I’ve been a bitch to him, and I don’t know why, well I guess I do, but I’m not sure I can forget what he did to Lanie.
But I want to. And then there’s Macie, who would be so pissed at me if I did something with him… ”
“Whoa, Ava, slow down, baby. You’re going to run out of breath.”
And I did. Slow down. And took a few breaths.
“What do I do, Mom?”
“Well, you need to decide one thing. Are you comfortable when he’s around?
How does he make you feel? Nervous like he’s going to hurt you?
Or nervous like you’ve got that feeling in your belly because, well, you know what I mean.
He sounds like he’s repented for his sin, Lanie and her boyfriend have forgiven him.
He’s never done anything to you, at least that I’m aware of.
And as far as Macie is concerned, I understand the pact you made, and it was probably for good reason.
But sometimes you need to take risks in life.
If this feels right, this might be one worth taking. ”
Was she telling me to go for it?
“Ava, listen, I’ve never met this boy. I can’t speak with confidence that you should move forward with something with him. But what I do have confidence in is your intuition about things like this. I trust you. You would never put yourself in harm’s way. Trust your gut.”
Trust my gut.
“But he calls me Tink, Mom!”
“And your little friend in kindergarten, the one you said you were going to marry, remember him? I think his name was Pete. What did he used to call you? Wasn’t it something like ‘dragon breath’? Boys make fun of the ones they like.”
Trust my gut.
“Thanks Mom.”
When I got downstairs, Logan was on the couch, feet propped on the table, a blanket covering him from head to toe.
My blanket from the other night. I went to the kitchen and took out the popcorn maker, kernels, oil, and butter.
He looked over the back of the couch a couple times, acknowledging what I was doing, but left me to it.
Once I had two large bowls filled with hot buttery popcorn, I approached him.
“It’s just you and me. Macie left for Jace’s.”
He stared up, an unreadable look across those crystal blue eyes of his. Then he lifted the blanket, inviting me under with him.
And I went.