Chapter 26
Ava
As I stood alone at my window, watching and waiting, my anxiety rose the longer he took to get home.
When he came to me earlier in the day, I refused to open up to him.
I didn’t want him to share in the pain I endured.
He had so much to deal with in his own life.
But knowing he took off, either out of anger or concern, destroyed me.
He’d been gone for hours, and I knew Becca was concerned and looking for him as well.
I was about to lower the blind when I saw his truck come around the bend of the lot.
He pulled into his favorite spot; it was as if everyone knew he needed to park in front of that damn frog.
He turned off his truck but remained in it.
He sat there for a few minutes, but eventually the driver’s door opened, and his familiar large frame slowly got out.
After he closed the door, he stood motionless for a minute, staring up at the sky.
As if he sensed me, his head spun and found me. His eyes connected with mine, and even from this distance, I saw the puffiness around them. His shoulders slumped as he leaned against his truck, defeat in his stance.
Finally, I heard the front door slam shut.
“Oh my god, where the hell have you been, you asshole,” Becca said sternly as Logan came inside. “I was about to send out the cavalry.”
It was hard to tell how serious she was from up here. Theirs was a curious relationship. As I stood at the top of the stairs, my feet froze and kept me from taking the first step.
“Where are you going?”
Becca’s voice was incredulous, almost angry at him.
“I’m going upstairs, if that’s alright with you?”
There was no response from her, only silence from the first floor.
I hurried back to my room and closed the door so he wouldn’t know I’d been eavesdropping on the interaction.
His footsteps were slow on the stairs and as he walked past my room to his.
I heard the quiet click of his door closing and locking, and then utter silence in the house.
Not a sound.
I could go downstairs and check in with Becca and Macie, but to be honest, I had no interest in talking to them.
The silence was welcome at the moment. Although I knew I should go to him, talk to him, tell him how I felt about our situation, it still wasn’t the right time. He was still reeling from last night, almost as much as me, it seemed.
How did we get to this point?
Things were better when we supposedly hated one another. We never should have given in to our desires that snowy weekend. Our lack of discipline has led to his life crumbling before our eyes.
I climbed back into bed, ready to spend the next week there if I could.
My TV was on, the volume low, but I couldn’t focus enough to follow the plot of the movie playing.
Turning instead to my ereader, I opened it to my most recent read.
A good book was always a great escape. However, as I reread the same sentence over and over, I realized that was not working, either.
Throwing it aside, I curled up and simply decided to try to sleep.
“Ava?” A quiet knock followed the sound of my name.
I jumped from my bed and opened it to find him slumped against the wall, one hand gripping the frame of the door. Up close, his bloodshot eyes looked worse than I expected. His tight lips and white-knuckle grip further signs of what I’d done to him.
I needed to fix this. No matter the immediate damage it might incur. In the long run, it was the right thing to do.
I moved away, allowing him to enter my room. As soon as he closed the door, I turned toward him to get the upper hand on the situation.
“Logan—”
“No, Ava, please, there’s something I need to say to you.”
The raspiness of his voice combined with the plea of his words were heartbreaking, and it took me by surprise.
“I think you need to press charges against this guy,” he said. “I went to the police station and got some information about how to do it.”
I was stunned; those were not words I was expecting.
He reached into his back pocket, and the papers shook in his hand as he held them out to me. But I didn’t take them from him. He shook them at me, unsure why I wouldn’t take them.
“Ava.” My name came out more like a command. “Please. You need to do this. What he did to you was so wrong, he shouldn’t have touched you like that. He can’t get away with it.”
Then it clicked.
“Logan, where have you been all day?”
I took the papers, tossed them to floor and grabbed his hands, yet he still wouldn’t look at me.
“Logan.”
His head shifted from side to side, settling on staring up at the ceiling. Reaching up, I grabbed his face, forcing him to look me in the eye.
“Where. Did. You. Go?” Each word its own staccato sentence, my frustration peaking.
He didn’t answer. Instead, he pulled out of my grasp, retreating toward the window. As I slowly walked up behind him, his shoulders tensed as he sensed my approach. My hands went to his back, but he jerked away from my touch.
He spun on his heels and faced me. Taken off guard by the sudden movement, I stepped back.
“I’m a monster, Ava.” The bite in his words sliced through my heart. “You knew that from the start. You were right.”
This couldn’t be happening. I was too late, I’d already destroyed him. All the while, I blamed him for the words he used against me.
But it was my words that were destroying him.
He was a broken soul as he looked at me. The fog roiled around him, thick, dark, ugly, and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to break through and reach him.
I stepped closer, my feet slow, concerned he might leave.
“Logan.”
His hands went up in protest. Watching his eyes grow wide as I continued toward him scared me, stopping me in my tracks.
“You are not a monster, Logan. You’re nothing like that guy from last night, nothing at all. You have to know that. I know you know that.”
He shook his head frantically as he backed himself against the wall.
“I touched Lanie against her will, Ava. You pointed that out enough times. She says she’s forgiven me, but she shouldn’t have, no one should have!” He was screaming, agony in every word. “I should be in jail, she should’ve pressed charges against me!”
He shook from head to toe. He was like a wild animal trying to break out of a cage.
“I have to get out of here.” There was chaos in his eyes as they scanned the room, unable to focus. The profuse sweat dripping from his temples and his trembling hands were further signs that he was struggling with staying grounded.
This was beyond anxiety or a panic attack. He seemed to be at a breaking point, and I didn’t know what to do to help him. What I did know was restraining him was not the answer. As he moved for the door, I let him go.
Once he threw it open, there were two sets of concerned eyes waiting on the other side. Macie and Becca both looked on the verge of tears standing in the hall outside my room.
“Get the fuck out of my way!” he yelled as he barreled past them and ran down the stairs.
They slowly stepped through the door toward me, eyes wide and full of questions, as they tried to assess the situation. Becca kept looking where he once stood, no doubt wanting to go after Logan. Macie came to my side, her arms around me, consoling and comforting me.
As I looked back and forth between the two of them, it was obvious one was clear about the situation, and one was in the dark.
“What’s going on, Ava?” Macie asked.
“I…uh…” How did I answer that? I knew they heard what Logan said, but what did they surmise about us? “Logan is saying ridiculous things about himself, he’s distraught. Last night is bringing up his experience with Lanie.”
“Did he say where he was going this time?” Becca asked as she started for my door.
I shook my head as I followed. The three of us hurried downstairs, checking to see if he was still home, but the first floor was empty. A quick peek out the front window showed an empty space where his truck had been parked.
“His truck is gone,” I told them.
“I have to text Ty,” Becca said. “He’ll know what to do.”
She pulled out her phone as she walked away. Macie turned to me.
“Let’s go sit down,” she said as she guided me to the couch. She turned on the TV, which I appreciated, because I didn’t want to talk. As we sat huddled together, we heard Becca talking to Ty.
“Has he answered you? Is he at your place yet?” Her voice was frantic as she waited for his answers. “Ty, where could he be? He should be to your place by now. What about the rugby house? Can you call over there?”
She was pacing the floor behind the couch.
I felt numb. Macie was my best friend, and I wanted to confide in her, tell her everything, but I couldn’t.
I couldn’t tell her I was destroying the man I was falling in love with.
And I was going to hurt him more by walking away.
“Ty got in touch with one of the players who said that Logan was at the rugby house earlier today, but he’s not there now,” Becca said. She was frazzled, texting multiple people at the same time, trying to locate him.
I hated that all of this was happening because of me.
I did this.
Pulling out my phone, I started doing the same. Though our shared contacts were fewer, it couldn’t hurt to try. Then I thought about the spot on the mountain, and how he would go there to think.
“I think I know where he could be!”
The three of us piled in Macie’s car as I tried to remember how to get there. I knew approximately where the desolate road off the highway was, but not exactly.
“Go slower, it might be right up here,” I said.
Becca was still making calls to everyone she knew in the back seat while we drove.
“Lanie’s calling me back,” Becca said, some excitement in her voice. “Hey…” Then her words became hushed.
“Turn here,” I told Macie.
“This is a dirt road, Ava. Are you sure?” she questioned as she surveyed the dark area. “What were you two doing up here?”
“Macie, turn around,” Becca said. “He’s at Lanie and Xander’s, he just pulled up. Ty’s heading there too.”
Macie slammed on the brakes and spun the car around, quickly heading back toward the lit highway.
As she started the trek back toward campus, she gave me a sideways glance and a small smile.
I wasn’t sure if it was because she was happy we found Logan, or if she was full of questions about where we had been headed.
Regardless, I was happy about where we were headed now.