Chapter 27
Logan
The realization I came to about myself, and how I shouldn’t be with Ava…destroyed me. She didn’t deserve to be with someone who had a past like mine. A past that would continue to haunt me my entire life and wreak havoc along the way. I should have been punished for what I’d done.
Now I had to see Lanie.
I found my truck parked in front of Xander’s apartment.
I wasn’t even sure how I found it, I’d only heard his address in passing.
But his Jeep was parked nearby, so I figured it had to be the right place.
My phone vibrated repeatedly in my pocket.
I’d missed several calls and texts, all from Becca and Ty.
Instead of answering them, I shoved the phone in my glovebox.
My finger shook as it hovered over the doorbell. But I finally pressed it.
“Hey, man.” Xander answered the door. “What’s up?”
I didn’t know what to say to him. He opened the storm door, inviting me in. I could tell by the way he looked at me he was aware that something was going on.
“Logan,” he said in a serious tone. “Are you OK? You’ve got a lot of people looking for you.”
My hands rubbed at my head, down over my face as I stood frozen in place. I needed to do this but suddenly didn’t know how. As Xander stood staring at me, his head tilting as he did, the confusion built in his look the longer I remained silent.
“I’ve had better days,” I said.
Then Lanie was by his side. Her bright smile changed abruptly when she assessed the situation.
“Everything OK?” she asked no one in particular.
“I’m trying to figure that out myself,” Xander told her. “Logan, why don’t you c’mon in?” He held the door open wider. He smiled. A very welcoming smile.
As did Lanie.
I was still having trouble breathing. My hands trembled at my sides. I was struck with such intense fear to move forward with my plan. My head swiveled, looking side to side, wondering if I should just retreat and leave.
Then I felt a soft hand grasp mine. Lanie smiled as she guided me inside, Xander holding the door.
“It’s OK, Logan,” she said at my side. “We’re here for you.”
My feet allowed me to move forward as I entered the apartment. There were voices from the other side of the main floor, and I panicked.
“We’re heading upstairs,” Lanie said as she guided me to the steps.
She pulled me to a room at the end of a long hall, Xander already inside. He gestured for me to take a seat in a recliner he had in the corner of his room. Lanie closed the door, and they put the TV on low, I could only assume for privacy.
“I’m going to head downstairs,” Xander said. “Let me know if you need me.” He said this directly to Lanie.
“Stay,” I said.
Xander looked at me, his eyebrows lifting.
“Please,” I said.
He nodded and leaned against his desk, his arms across his chest. Lanie stayed with me, sitting on the end of the bed and leaning in close.
“I…uh…” My stuttering was due to my erratic heartbeat. The panic attack was so close. “Did you hear what happened last night? To Ava?”
Her sideways glance at Xander was my answer; they knew.
“Lanie!” I screamed. Her name came out as a plea. A howl. My head landed in my hands as I bent forward.
“Logan,” she said, kneeling in front of me. “Becca told me you helped her, that you stopped the guy from doing anything else to her.” She took my hands in hers, holding them close to her face, her mouth.
“You don’t understand,” I said, jumping up. She was startled as I stood, Xander coming to her side. “Earlier today, I went back to the rugby house, where the party was. And the guys have been great, they kicked the guy off the team.”
They nodded in approval but were confused why I was still upset.
“They said he had a past, there had been rumors they didn’t listen to about him. That they should have. And if they had, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”
Lanie’s eyes softened.
“I went to the police station, picked up some information for Ava for her to press charges against the guy.” I ran out of breath and needed to draw in some air.
The two of them stood motionless, hanging on my next word.
“I’m him. I’m that asshole, Lanie.” My tears were abundant now, streaming down my face. “I did this…to you.”
She stood to come even closer to me, but I stopped her with my hands up, my head shaking. Xander came and held her by the shoulder.
“I’m no better than he is,” I howled. Making that realization made my insides twist in disgust. “I’m no fucking better than him, Lanie! Why didn’t you press charges against me?”
Lanie stepped closer, tentative with her hand as she touched my arm. “Logan,” she said softly. “You’re nothing like him. From what Becca said, there was actual sexual assault that took place with him and Ava. You did not do that to me.”
Bending at the waist, I worked to control my breathing. The sweat beaded on my forehead and dripped down my back. I ripped my coat off, tossing it on the chair.
Looking up at the guy who once hated me, I said, “Xander, why didn’t you force her to go the police about me?”
He looked between me and Lanie, seeming unsure if he wanted to step in. But when he looked back at me, he raised his shoulders and took a step my way.
“Listen, Logan. That night last year, I won’t lie, it’s not one of my favorite memories.
” His hands went in his pockets, and it made me wonder if it was to keep from hitting me like he did that fateful night.
“But you and I made our peace. And more importantly, so did you and Lanie. No, you shouldn’t have pushed yourself on her, but you were drunk.
And you’re addressing that. But there’s one important aspect about that night that needs to be brought to your attention.
The bigger issue with what happened between you two was Lanie’s past. That’s what threw her over the edge.
” He moved next to Lanie, his arm wrapping around her waist as she looked at him with adoration.
“What this guy did to Ava is so much worse, it doesn’t compare. ”
The guy did hurt Ava. Badly. He did things to her I never would have considered doing to Lanie without consent, even while drunk.
I knew that. I did.
So why did I still feel like a monster?
Lanie pulled me by the hand to sit in the recliner again, while Xander rolled the desk chair nearby for her to sit in.
“How about I go get us some bottles of water?” Xander said.
Lanie nodded as he left us alone. She didn’t say anything as she sat across from me allowing for the quiet to be our sound. And in my current state of mind, the silence was loud enough. Eventually the muddiness in my head started to settle and clear.
“Good, your breathing is slowing,” Lanie said. “You’re doing well with whatever techniques your therapist is teaching you.”
Looking at Lanie now, it was hard to remember her as the painfully shy girl she was last year. The first time we met, she experienced a panic attack, and my heart broke for her. I knew all too well what she was dealing with.
Her troubled past, specifically her abusive ex, led to her dealing with extreme anxiety.
“I guess you never thought we’d have that in common, huh?” I asked.
“I think I knew it on a subconscious level. You were always nice to me when I was struggling.” She leaned back in her chair, comforted by my more relaxed state.
“Ya know, Becca’s a mess looking for you, she’s been texting me nonstop.
And I think they all might be here already. ” She was checking her phone. “Ty too.”
This recent revelation that I was like the guy who did this to Ava turned my world upside down.
How could she consider being with someone who had a past like mine after going through what she did?
As much as I appreciated Lanie absolving me of any guilt about her, I wasn’t convinced that Ava could do the same.
What came next?
“When you say ‘they,’ who exactly do you mean?” I asked.
“All your roommates are downstairs.”
She put her arm through mine as we walked to the door, smiling at my question.
“When I came to school last year, I wasn’t looking for love, Logan, but it found me.” She squeezed the arm she was holding. “I think it’s found you, hasn’t it?”
I finally understood that my connection to Lanie last year wasn’t that I was falling in love with her but that we were kindred spirits, both broken souls looking for someone to heal us. Hers was healed by Xander.
I knew my entire being was calmed by the presence of Ava. She healed me. But it was more than that. And Lanie saw that.
“Maybe,” I said.
She laughed at my attempt at being coy.
“We haven’t told anyone,” I said.
She twisted her fingers against her lips, tightening the imaginary key. Reaching up, she pulled me into a tight hug.
“I knew that too, no worries,” she whispered against my ear. “You deserve all the good things, Logan. Let them happen to you.”
I wish I believed that too, but it might be too late.
“Hey,” I said, stopping her from leaving the room. “What’s the latest on Max?”
Her body stiffened and her eyes got distant, which concerned me.
“Logan, I don’t think now’s the time to bring all that up,” she said.
“It’s the perfect time.” I brought her back for us to sit down. “I could use a distraction.”
Shaking her head, I could tell she disagreed.
“Probably not this type of distraction.” And then she paused.
“Bryce let us know that he’s been leaving his house without his anklet on somehow.
They’re not sure how he’s doing it, but they’re tailing him, and they know the house arrest anklet is still in the house. ”
Shit. That was a real reason for concern.
There was an entire scene at brU last year when he showed up to take Lanie with him at gunpoint.
The cops, even the FBI, showed up. There was a fucking shootout behind her dorm.
Her ex and one of his guys got shot. It was insane.
The guy was insane; it was scary that she was involved with him in the first place.
Xander stayed by her side, helping her through it.
“But they’re on him, so that’s good, right?” I asked.
“Yeah,” she said, but her sad eyes didn’t convey what I wanted to hear.
“Enough about him, I made a promise to myself not to allow him to rule my life anymore. And I’m sticking to it.
” She popped up with renewed energy. “Besides, you have a whole bunch of people downstairs who love you and would like to make sure you’re OK.
Are you ready to go down, or do you need more time? ”
I nodded but stopped her once more.
“Lanie, I want to thank you. I’m not sure I’m convinced I deserve your forgiveness, but I feel a lot better than when I got here.”
She grabbed my arm again and kept me moving.
“Healing is like that. Last night was a trigger, so it’s completely normal for you to go through this, Logan. I’d say it means you’re healing well, and if it didn’t affect you, that would be a problem.”
“Don’t you sound all professional and shit,” I told her.
She laughed, and I laughed.
It felt good to laugh.