Chapter 28
Ava
There was so much going on once Logan came down with Lanie. We were all there: Ty, Becca, Macie, Lanie, Xander, Logan, and me. At first, everyone checked on Logan to make sure he was OK. Then they were checking on me.
And then it got awkward. We were in this party-type setting with all of us together, everyone eventually laughing and being jovial. But it didn’t sit right with me.
Lanie and Becca started making plans for us to all get together again when things settled down.
Ty, Xander, and Logan were talking about going to the gym.
I could tell Logan was still stressed, but for fuck’s sake, what the hell was going on?
They were acting like life was normal, like this was normal.
What the fuck was normal about any of this?
It wouldn’t do anyone any good for me to make a scene with my typical attitude, so instead I sat in a quiet corner and was…quiet. I couldn’t bring myself to be a part of the bullshit conversations they were all having.
Even though I could guess why he’d come to see Lanie, there was no discussion as to what they talked about. Though Logan seemed much better than when he left the house.
Logan caught my eye from across the room as he spoke to Ty, his look lingering. There was so much that he and I needed to talk about, to say to one another.
Logan broke away from the guys and made his way to my side of the room. Sitting next to me, he nudged my knee with his.
“Are you OK?” he asked.
There was no good way to answer that at the moment, so I decided to remain silent and simply shrugged.
“I didn’t mean to make all of this about me, ya know?” he said.
My head snapped toward him at his words.
“What do you mean?” I asked. But as soon as I did, the crowd around us erupted in laughter, interrupting our conversation. “I should be asking if you’re OK.”
Logan stood and reached his hand out for me.
“Hey guys,” he said, turning to the group. “I’m gonna get Ava home. The past twenty-four hours have been a lot for her.”
Immediately, all three girls came to my side saying their goodbyes and giving me well wishes. They thanked Logan for taking such good care of me. Both Ty and Xander gave me a hug.
They were all such good people.
Logan was surrounded by good people.
If Logan and I had remained friends, I could have been one of those people for him. But instead, we fucked.
Well, it was a little more than that.
We let our feelings get in the way.
And I knew that either on this ride home, or when we got there, I was probably going to shatter his heart.
I didn’t shatter his heart on the drive home. It didn’t happen because I didn’t talk on the way home. I remained quiet, but Logan didn’t push me. It was one of those comfortable quiets we often have. But as we pulled up to the townhouse, he broke the silence.
“So, I don’t think it would raise any flags if I were in your room with you when they get back. I don’t want to leave you alone right now.”
How in the hell was I going to do this? I didn’t want to. He was turning out to be exactly what my heart and head wanted and needed.
But I wasn’t what he needed.
And I had to think about him.
“Yeah, sure, I think that’s good,” I told him.
We entered the house, the dark rooms as bleak as I was feeling. Logan didn’t bother with any lights on the first floor as we made our way directly upstairs. My sluggish advance on the steps mirrored his, our mood indeed different from those we just left.
I stripped myself of my coat and shoes while I walked toward my bed, the clothing abandoned on the floor along the way. As I curled myself into a tight ball against the wall, Logan joined me and covered us with a blanket.
“I know this has been a terrible time, and I’m sure I haven’t made it much easier for you,” he said.
Sitting up, I hoped my pursed lips sent my message.
“What are you talking about, Logan? Without you, I…well, I can’t even think about what might have happened.”
He remained with his head on my pillow, those blue eyes of his darkening as if taken over by storm clouds.
“Am I right in assuming you went to Lanie asking her to press charges against you?”
He could only answer me with a small nod.
“And I’m also going to go out on a limb and assume she said no.”
At that, all he did was cover his face with his hand.
“Logan, can’t you see that it’s me who’s destroying you?” He started to sit up, but I pushed him back, keeping him on my pillow. “Last night didn’t need to happen…”
“Ava, you are not responsible for what he did to you.” The anger in his voice took me by surprise.
“I know.” Those words came out harsher than I wanted them to.
I needed to tread carefully with him. “I’m not some meek female who would think what he did is OK.
I know he was wrong, nothing I did provoked him.
But that’s not what I mean. If I hadn’t rushed away from you in my stupid rage, right into that asshole’s arms, it wouldn’t have happened.
And if I hadn’t put the parameters of keeping us a secret, none of this would have happened. ”
I flung my entire body against the wall behind me. The amount of anger I had for myself was mounting, and I was struggling to keep it in.
“Logan,” I started. But my words got caught in my throat.
“I don’t want to be the one who derails you or your life.
You’re doing so well, you were anyway. Until I showed up, until we started whatever it is we have.
I just don’t know if we should keep doing this, I don’t know if it’s good for your recovery. ”
The tiny shake of his shoulders crushed me. The quiet sobs that followed had me lying next to him, holding him in my arms.
We cried together.
We cried for what we had and what we were about to lose.
We cried each other to sleep.
In the morning, I wasn’t surprised to find myself alone in my bed. But I wouldn’t go so far as to say it didn’t suck.
Yes, it was my idea.
Yes, I felt it was the right thing to do, especially for him.
Did I have a tiny pang of disappointment, maybe even grief, that he walked away from us so easily? Without a fight? Yes.
Yet, if he had fought me on it, what good would it have done? He knew me. He knew I’d stand my ground.
I fear he knew me too well and that Tink would show up to that fight.
But it didn’t hurt any less.
Here we were, Monday morning, and we had Marketing together.
My body moved at a snail’s pace as I got ready. The sun streamed through those damn blinds again. On any other day I’d have been happy to see it, but today it didn’t lift my mood. At least the forecast was for warmer weather, so no bundling up was necessary, which was a nice change.
I wasn’t sure how to proceed. Would we drive to campus together like we’d been doing? No one knew we “broke up” so it would make sense to me to keep things looking normal.
But I wasn’t Logan.
Sure enough, by the time I got downstairs, he had already left.
“Mace, you heading to campus anytime soon?”
She was still in her jammies, so I think I had my answer.
“Where’s Logan?” she asked. “Don’t you guys go together on Mondays?” She didn’t stop what she was doing, her head down making her coffee.
This was not going to be the last question I’d have to field if he was going to be changing how we acted toward one another.
“I think he had something to do early on campus, maybe for rugby. That might change things with him giving me rides.”
What I should have done was given myself enough time this morning if I needed to grab the bus. But that wasn’t an option at this point. If Macie couldn’t drive me, I wasn’t making it to class.
“Let me put my coffee in my other mug, and I can drive you,” she said.
The sunshine blinded us when we walked toward her car. It was kind of nice having the warmth of it hit my face. When spring actually decided to show up, those winter doldrums were easy to toss away.
But I still had a pit in my stomach.
I knew this day would be a challenge. All day long.
“You’ll probably make it right on time since I can drop you right at your building,” Macie said, then smiled.
Everyone was still walking on eggshells with me. There was no mention of Saturday night, no mention of what happened, no mention of anything of substance. I was surprised she didn’t say something about the weather.
“Thank god the sun is out and it’s warming up, right?” She put the window down and increased the volume of the radio, sufficiently cutting off all further communication. Just as well, I was in no mood to talk either.
She pulled up to my building and literally waved goodbye to me as I got out, like a mom dropping their kid off at grade school.
I couldn’t be pokey like I wanted to. I worked at getting here and shouldn’t be late. But my feet felt laden with cement as I trudged along the path, the entrance looming ahead.
Because a mere hundred yards away, I’d be facing him. And I had no idea what to expect.
As I pulled open the door to the lecture hall, I heard the professor just starting. I hurried down the stairs to my accustomed row.
And, alas, there was no Logan.
After sitting, I searched the room, looking for that big blonde head. But it was a large class, and the lights were already dim for the professor’s slides, so I couldn’t find him. Needless to say, my attention span was shit. I’d have to review the entire lesson again online.
Finally, it ended. I started packing my laptop into my bag.
“Ava Kennedy,” the professor said over his mic. “Please see me.”
What the fuck? I wasn’t late. I hurried down to his podium and joined a short line of students waiting to talk to him. When it was my turn, he turned toward his computer.
“Hi, Ava.”
“Hi, Professor Lynch.”
“OK, I’ve been made aware that your group for the class isn’t working out, which is a shame.
You two did a great job on the first project.
But it turns out there’s another group looking to switch, so it worked.
” He pulled out a piece of paper and a pen.
“Here’s her name and email. You two get in touch. ”
Speechless was an understatement.
My first instinct was to rush home, barrel into his room, and annihilate him with my words.
What the hell was he thinking?
Then I realized he was thinking about himself. And that was why I did what I did last night. I knew this was going to hurt.
I wasn’t prepared for how much.