Chapter 29
Logan
As I sat staring at my computer screen, waiting for the meeting to start, my heart still thudded against my chest. It hadn’t stopped since last night. Ava might think we slept next to each other, but that was not what happened.
I spent the entire night watching her sleep. Seeing her chest rise up and down with each breath. Watching her lips part while she was in a deep sleep and restraining myself from touching that full bottom lip. Enjoying the heat of her skin against mine. Soaking it all in.
Knowing it would be my last chance for any of it.
Because deep down, I knew her words held truth.
The anxiety of talking to the professor almost put me over the edge. I tore out of that room before Professor Lynch spoke his last words, knowing I couldn’t risk seeing her.
Not today.
I needed to talk to someone, it was an emergency.
The video call was live.
“Hey, Logan,” Dr. Jean said.
My desire to be home, in my bed, in my house, even in her office, pulled at me.
“Hi, Dr. Jean.”
“Well, looks like we have a lot to talk about today,” she said. She could read me easily, and I wasn’t trying to hide my emotions, either.
I spent a lot of my night deciding if I should inform her about Ava and me. I knew she advised against what we’d done, but bottom line, it happened. And now it was having adverse consequences.
Mentally. Emotionally. Physically.
“Yeah, there’s something I need to talk about before we talk about my dad, if that’s OK.”
As the day went on, I found myself holed up in my room.
I left campus after my marketing class, skipping all others.
My appointment with Dr. Jean took precedence.
Taking care of our project group with Professor Lynch was the only reason I stepped foot on campus in the first place.
I knew I wouldn’t be able to work with her in the confines of this house any longer.
My appointment with Dr. Jean went better than anticipated, but I didn’t have that overwhelming elated feeling I was used to after we spoke.
She appreciated my honesty about Ava and even understood.
She explained that it was best to focus on me, but life goes on and you can’t control everything that happened around you.
There was no way I was going to force Ava to be with me if she truly didn’t want to be.
My mind couldn’t ignore the signs pointing to the reality of why she did what she did.
I was like him.
I was exactly like that douchebag who assaulted her.
No one would ever make me think otherwise.
And she deserved better.
But that part didn’t come up in my session. And neither did my father, thank goodness. She felt with all I’d been through, we’d could table it until next week.
My phone got a text.
Ashton: Hey, outdoor practice tonight if you can make it weather’s cooperating
Sitting back, reading the text again, I could almost cry. This was exactly what I needed. Someone telling me to be somewhere to get my ass kicked.
Me: I’ll be there
“Hey, Somers,” Ashton said from across the huddle, known as a scrum in rugby, “you’re going to try being a back on this play. Think football, you’ll get it.”
We basically scrimmaged each other as a form of practice, which was a great way for me to learn the game.
As we broke from the scrum, I got into position as Sutton went to the sideline to throw the ball in play.
He tossed it to the guy ahead of me, and we all started rushing forward.
The ball came my way, I broke free around the corner and up the side, the goal line in sight.
There were two guys coming at me, the block was going to be a hard one if I didn’t weave to avoid it.
At the last second, I ducked and zigzagged my way past them, sliding across the line, and scored a try.
The guys ran up behind me, screaming my name.
“Somers!” Sutton yelled as I pulled myself up from the dirt. “Shit, man, you’re a beast out there. This is gonna be awesome!”
He slapped me hard across my shoulder blade as we joined some others who were heading toward the bench. Practice was over.
“I’ve still got a lot to learn,” I told him. The others we walked with laughed at my statement.
“Ya learn on the field, dude. Don’t worry, after the first game, you’ll be a pro,” Ashton added. “Sutton’s right, you’re a great addition to the team. We’re lucky to have ya.”
Their encouraging words combined with the ass whooping of a workout practice gave me was just what the doctor ordered.
Literally.
Dr. Jean said this would be my best medicine, and she was right. The only problem was, as soon as it was over, and I was alone in my truck, the intrusive thoughts returned. Navigating how to deal with Ava living in the same house, post breakup, when no one even knew, was going to be a challenge.
Especially when I knew neither of us had stopped caring for the other.
When I pulled up to the house, I noticed Ty’s car was there.
Me: Hey, I’m out front, can Becca spare you for a bit
He didn’t bother texting back, the front door opened within seconds.
“Hey, man,” he said as he hopped in my truck. “What’s going on?”
I put the truck in reverse and got out of there as quickly as I could.
“Are they all home?”
“Who? The girls? Yeah, I think so, but I didn’t see Ava. She was upstairs, I think.”
As I continued driving, Ty didn’t say much while he sat next to me. He looked out the window, occasionally glancing my way, but remained quiet.
Everyone close to me was quiet.
“Hungry? Just got done with practice and I need to eat, but I didn’t want to eat at home. Thought we could grab a bite.” As I said this, I pulled into the lot of a Mexican restaurant he and I ate at last year.
He tilted his head as he looked my way, his eyebrows pinched together. He opened his mouth, as if to ask a question, but chose not to. Nodding as he peered at the restaurant, he simply moved on to opening his door.
Thankfully, it was empty and we were seated quickly. Once we had glasses of water and were both reading our menus, Ty cleared his throat.
“So, are you going to tell my why you didn’t want to eat in your own home?” He purposely placed his menu in front of him, his phone on top of it, giving me his undivided attention. “I mean, that is why we’re here? Isn’t it? You’ve obviously got something going on, man. What’s up?”
“Hi, guys. Did you have enough time to look at the menu?”
The cute waitress next to our table definitely went to brU. I’d seen her on campus. Her flirty voice and smile made it seem she recognized us as well. Ty kicked me under the table, no doubt to encourage me to flirt back.
“I’m ready, you?” I asked Ty.
“Yeah,” he said, the disappointment clear in his response.
We ordered nachos to start, and I got chicken and steak fajitas. Ty got two beef and bean burritos with the fixings.
We’d be here for a while.
“Well, you didn’t take her bait.” He gestured to the waitress walking away. “And you still haven’t answered my question.”
“She interrupted us.”
“She’s gone now,” he said.
As I was driving home from practice, I was torn between going straight to his place or not. So when I saw his car, it was perfect. Because I decided I was going to talk to him about Ava. But when faced with doing it, I froze.
I needed to talk about this to someone. And he was my someone.
“Yeah, well, there is something I wanted to talk about.”
Another interruption.
“You guys order nachos?” some kid asked.
“Yeah,” we both said and cleared a space. We dug into them, each of us piling our chips high with meat, cheese, beans, guacamole, and sour cream.
“These are as good as I remember,” Ty mumbled, his mouth full of the hot cheesy goodness.
After sating my appetite momentarily, I sat back, ready to talk. Ty realized and put a hold on taking his next bite, instead cleaning his hands with his napkin.
“Everything going OK with your recovery, Logan?”
This wasn’t directly related to my alcoholism, but my recovery was in jeopardy if I didn’t get my emotions in check, I knew that. That was why starting on the journey of a relationship wasn’t recommended.
“Not exactly, but I haven’t had a drink if that’s what you mean,” I told him.
I saw the tension release in him as he slumped against the back of the booth. It hadn’t occurred to me he and Becca may have thought that with everything going on I could have relapsed.
“I, well, so…” I was at a loss for words. “Ava and I were kind of in a relationship, a secret one, up until last night.”
Ty blinked several times as he tried processing what I said.
“Wait, what?” He sat motionless at first, but then his head shook back and forth repeatedly. “No, no, that can’t be, dude. You guys, like, hate each other. Don’t you?”
My barking laugh startled both of us.
“Yep, we did. And then we didn’t, and I think she does again,” I told him.
“It’s confusing and messed up. Bottom line, it’s messing with me because what we had while we had it was good.
And to be honest, it seemed to be helping me with all my shit going on.
My head was quiet when I was with her, all the chaos was calm when I spent time with her for some reason. ”
He sat back, staring and thinking.
“So why is it over?” he asked.
“Good question. She thinks she wasn’t good for my ‘recovery journey.’ Mainly because of what happened this weekend at the party, and me getting into the fight because of her.
She blames herself, I guess.” I flung myself against the cracked leather of the bench, getting angrier as I explained it all to Ty.
“Personally, I think she doesn’t want to be with me because of what I did last year. ”
Ty’s head snapped up at my words.
“Think about it, she ends what we had, which was going great, the weekend this asshole almost fucking rapes her.”
Saying that out loud has my fists clenching at my sides. I shove my plate away from me as the anger surges through my body. The people at nearby tables glance our way, and I realize I need to calm the hell down.
“OK, man, maybe you just need to talk to her, talk it through,” Ty suggested.
In any normal situation, that would be good advice.
But Ava and I weren’t in a normal situation for several reasons.
“I think that ship has sailed, man.” I went back to our nachos, and Ty seemed happy to do the same.
“I think Becca would be the better person to talk to than me, she would know the right thing to say,” Ty offered. I knew he wasn’t looking forward to being an advice guru.
And he was right.
“Yeah, but Ava has this thing about them not knowing, that as roommates we can’t be together, so me talking to Becca is out of the question. So do me a favor and keep your mouth shut.”
His hands went up in a defensive move, knowing I’d kick his ass if Becca found out.
“Here’s your meals, guys.” The sugary sweet voice of our waitress interrupted our conversation. She placed our platters down and both our eyes went wide.
“Hey, man, listen,” Ty said. “I’m sorry I don’t have some great words of wisdom for you. I’m happy you’re not turning to beer, though.” His smile made me feel good about myself.
I was proud of that, too.
“You still talking to your therapist?”
I nodded.
“I guess she’s your best bet, then. Either that or maybe Ava will eventually want to talk about it, but I’m sorry you’re going through this. Wish I could help.”
“It’s OK, man, I feel better just telling you. It sucked keeping it all in, ya know?”
We started picking at our meals, unsure if either of us had anything else to say on the matter.
“So, you had rugby practice today, right?”
And just like that, with the change of subject, we morphed into our old selves. Telling him about the team and the upcoming games lifted my mood.
“There’s a game next week?” Ty asked.
“Yeah, the season is starting already, and I don’t really think I understand the game completely. But they’re convinced I’ll do fine.”
We continued talking about all the things we needed to catch up on while we ate.
He did exactly what he was good at. He didn’t give me advice about Ava.
He helped me forget about her. A little.