Chapter 10
As I make my way into work, I’m instantly reminded of last night. I see a wooden panel blocking the smashed window. Part of me was hoping it was just a horrible dream, but unfortunately, I’m fully awake, with a slight hangover.
I head into the bookshop and see Teddy pacing around the shop. It’s quiet today, my body relaxes at the thought. I don’t know how much customer service I can do with this headache. Hangovers suck. I need paracetamol. Maybe a Cornish pasty too.
“Hey, how are you?” I ask Teddy, who’s pacing up and down with a stack of books, but isn’t putting any of them away.
“It’s quiet today, do you think it’s because of the smashed window?” He asks, his voice quivers. His eyes look puffy.
“I’m sure it’s just because it’s a Sunday, isn’t it always quiet on a Sunday?” I ask softly.
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” he says, beginning to put some books away.
I go to the till and sit down, waiting for a customer to show up.
A few teens are reading and browsing. I wish a queer bookstore like this had been here when I was younger; it would have made me feel a lot less alone in my queerness.
A boy walks over to me with a few books in his hand. He’s wearing a work shirt with Oliver stitched close to his heart. He places the books in front of me, and I start scanning them. One of them is They Both Die at the End, which is my favourite. Seeing it now makes me want to reread it.
“Hi there, how are you today?” I ask him, making conversation. He takes out his phone, I assume it’s to pay for the books.
“Yeah, I’m okay,” he says, but he looks deep in thought.
He goes to say something but stops himself.
He takes a deep breath in through his nose before speaking again.
“Can I ask you a question?” I simply smile and nod in reply.
He takes a few seconds to think of what he’s going to say.
“You’re gay, right?” I don’t know where this is going, but I reply anyway.
“Yep, I’m gay. Everyone working here is queer in some way. We almost have the full alphabet in here,” I tell him with a small laugh. The joke was pretty lame, but I appreciate the polite laughter he gives back.
“How did you find out?” He asks, his voice quiet and soft. His hands are stuffed into the pockets of his hoodie until the contactless sign comes up on the chip and pin. He pays for his books but leaves them sitting on the counter.
“Well… I always felt like I was different. I just didn’t get the whole dating girls thing.
I was never interested in it. But when I started to read books with gay characters in them, it made me feel a little less alone.
It made me understand myself better. I could see myself in the characters.
Does that make sense?” I explain, my mind thinking back to thirteen-year-old me reading gay romance novels.
It made me think, if they can be happy with a guy, why can’t I?
It just made more sense to me. I didn’t fully understand why I felt like that, but it helped me realise that being gay was a thing, and that it was okay to have these feelings.
“Yeah, that makes sense. Are you out to your parents?” He asks. I feel like there’s something hidden in that question.
“Yeah, I told my mum when she was still with us. Why do you ask?”
“I feel like I might be gay. Well, I know I am. I want to tell my parents about it, but I’m nervous,” he says, his voice quivering throughout it like it’s the first time he’s admitted it out loud to someone.
“Well, it’s going to be nerve-racking. I’m not gonna lie and say that it’s easy, but once you do it…
that weight on your shoulders, your feelings right now?
It just floats away. And then, the ball’s in their park.
If they accept you, then that’s great. If they don’t, then you’re much better off without them,” I tell him, smiling politely at him.
His shoulders relax once I tell him that.
“Thanks, that’s great advice actually,” he says, smiling widely. He grabs his books.
“They Both Die at the End is an amazing book by the way. You’ll need to come back and let me know what you think,” I tell him. He smiles even brighter.
“I definitely will, see you later,” he says, almost skipping out of the shop. He walks out like a completely different boy.
I think the thing that makes being gay so hard when you’re young is the fact that you feel so lonely. Once you show a gay kid he isn’t alone, and that being queer is a beautiful thing that should never be hidden away, their whole life brightens up.
“You’re good at that,” Teddy says, coming up to the counter. He has a smile on his face that makes my heart do a backflip.
“Thank you, I just… it’s nice being able to make kids like me feel better about their queerness. I didn’t have anywhere like this when I was younger,” I tell him. He fixes his hair and pulls a chair up next to me.
“And now you see why I do this, why I made this place.”
“So that they don’t feel as alone as you did?” I ask him, our faces close together. I can take in all the details of his face in a way I haven’t before.
“Exactly,” he says. He reaches across me to grab a pen and pockets it. Then he stands up.
“I’m just gonna finish up some paperwork.” Something inside me makes me reach out to him.
“Can you stay?” I ask him, my voice quiet.
I look up at him. He smiles and sits back down.
I think back to last night, about what Elijah and Cat said.
Maybe I should take a leap of faith. I know he has a crush on me, and to be honest, I think I’m beginning to feel the same way.
I can’t let what happened to me in the past affect what I do in the present.
“I was going to ask you a question,” I say, looking away for a second to make sure no customers were gonna interrupt us.
“Ask me anything,” he says, his eyes focused on me. It makes me subconsciously fidget with my hands. When he looks at me like that, I just want to stay there forever.
“Do you think… like… could we go out… at some point? I say, stumbling through the sentence. He looks at me with a wide smile on his face.
“I would like that,” He tells me, his knees brushing against mine. The slightest touch sends shivers down my spine.
“Really? You do?” I say, sounding surprised.
“Yeah, I really like you, Noah. I’d like to get to know you more,” he says, my heart beats quickly against my chest.
“Like, a date, I mean,” I say, making sure he knows that’s what I mean. I don’t want there to be any misunderstanding. He laughs at me and I laugh back.
“What?”
“I’ve never seen you so… nervous. You’re always so confident,” he says, and I raise my eyebrows.
“You think I’m confident?” I ask, and he nods in reply. “I think it’s a fake it till you make it situation, I don’t feel very confident,” I tell him, looking away again. He gently places his hands on my shoulders and turns me back to face him.
“You’re not giving yourself enough credit, I mean, you did just ask me out.
Does that not scream confidence?” He asks, his eyes looking into mine again, and I almost collapse to the ground.
He needs to stop before I pass out. The warmth of his hands on my skin makes me want to cry.
It’s like he’s healing my inner child just by being nice.
“So you want to go on a date with me then?” I ask again, just to make sure I’m not mishearing him.
“Yes, I would love to. Where were you thinking?” He asks, brushing his knees against mine again. We’re sitting so close to each other, like it’s only us in the bookshop right now.
“What about dinner and drinks on the beach? We could go to Piran’s Garden?” I ask, smiling about the fact that all my first dates in the past have been there. That’s because it’s so good!
“Sounds good, what about tomorrow night?” He asks, and I almost fall out of the chair. Tomorrow? So soon? Is this actually happening?
“Yeah, sounds good,” I say, trying to stay cool. He smiles before getting up again.
“I’m gonna go finish that paperwork, but I’m looking forward to tomorrow night.”
“Me too,” I reply, a huge smile on my face.
Maybe taking a leap of faith does pay off.