Chapter 11
There’s a mountain of clothes on my bed, yet I can’t find anything to wear. I have way too many styles to choose from, and it’s making my brain leak from my ears. I want to look good for Teddy, because I mean, he always looks gorgeous. I have to try and match that somehow.
I throw more clothes out of my suitcase (I definitely didn’t bring enough) and sort through them all. I wouldn’t say I’m into fashion, I just like to look nice, especially for cute boys. Some guys look good no matter what they wear, I am not one of them.
What style do I go with? Bad boy - with ripped black jeans, red shirt and leather jacket? Or soft boy - with dungarees and a pink jumper? I think I could pull off the soft boy look, but the bad boy look will probably give me a ton of confidence.
This is hard.
I decide to forget all that and put on a red shirt and jeans. I look nice. But then I remember what I was wearing to the party. I don’t think Teddy would do anything to me. I thought that about Jonathan too though.
I hate this.
I take off the shirt and put on the pink jumper.
I look nice.
I look nice.
I look nice.
If I were to repeat it till I believed it, I’d be here all night.
My shoes are already filled with sand when I arrive at the bar. We decided to go to the beach bar I’ve always loved. The atmosphere is loud, and I begin to tremble in my sand-filled shoes.
But then I see Teddy, and his smile makes everything in my brain fall apart. A fire burns in me as I trudge through sand to greet him.
“Hey you!” He says, smiling like the sun.
“Hi, I like your shirt!” I say, he does a little turn for me. He’s wearing a pink hoodie with a white denim jacket. There’s little flowers embroidered into it. Okay, so his outfit is definitely topping mine. Shit.
“You do?
“Yeah, I love the flowers on it!”
“Really?”
“Yeah, they’re beautiful.”
“You really think so?”
“Yes”
“Yeah?”
Oh my god, I was just trying to compliment him, and now we’re stuck in a loop of him not accepting the compliment. I chuckle a little bit before I continue.
“Are you going to take the compliment? We could do this all night,” I laughed before he began to nod.
“Yeah, sorry, you’re right,” he laughs and shakes his head. That smile appears again, and I can’t help but stare.
“Well, I like your Jumper,” he says, pointing at the piece I eventually chose.
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah! Where did you get it?”
“H&M.”
“Well, it’s nice, Noah, really.”
“Really?”
“Oh my god, we’re doing it again,” Teddy laughs. His laugh is sweet and warm, and all I want to do is hear it on loop. I can’t believe we both decided to wear pink. We’re clearly on the same wavelength.
“Yeah, sorry, oops,” I laugh. We continue to laugh at each other on our way to an empty table. It has a perfect view of the sea and the setting sun. No matter how many times I see the sunset, it always brings a smile to my face.
Kinda like Teddy here.
“So, how are you finding being back in Perrancombe?” Teddy asks, his chocolate hair blows in the gentle breeze.
“It’s been great, I think this was what I needed. A fresh start,” I say, which is true. My logic for travelling back to a place I heavily associate with my dead mother definitely isn’t the best. But it’s working out so far.
“Well, I’m glad you’re here,” he says, smiling in my direction. My heart skips a beat.
“Me too, if I didn’t come home, I would never have met you,” I reply, the sides of my mouth rising up. I can’t help it!
If I had died that night on the roof…
We order drinks, and the party gets louder and louder. There’s a DJ inside, and I feel like we should have picked a quieter bar where we could just chat. I order a Cornish Cider, and Teddy orders a pint of beer I don’t know the name of.
“So when exactly did you open the bookshop?” I asked, stirring my drink with a paper straw. I’m trying to look cool, but it probably just looks stupid, so I put the straw down and drink. The ice-cold liquid pours down my throat. Oh, how I’ve missed Cornish Cider.
“Last October.”
Jonathan hurt me last October.
Jonathan isn’t here, though, I’m safe.
I’m safe.
I’m safe.
I’m safe.
I physically tense up, and Teddy looks at me with worry in his eyes.
God I hate that people can read me like a fucking book.
I’d kill to have my emotions hidden away.
My face gives it away. The way it tenses when someone says something that reminds me of him.
I wish I could get him out of my head. He isn’t even here, and he makes my life a living hell.
I wish it didn’t happen.
But it did. I have to live with it. I could have something special with Teddy, and I don’t want to ruin it. I can’t ruin it. It’s the only thing I have going for me right now.
“Noah? You okay there?” Teddy asks, knocking me out of my trance.
“Yeah, sorry, sometimes I just get stuck in my head, sorry.”
“It’s okay, sometimes I do that too. Anything you want to talk about right now?”
I want to tell him. I want to trust him, but I can’t. It’s not fair to put this on him right now. And besides, he’ll probably run away if I show him how messed up I am.
“Not right now, no. Sorry.”
“Don’t say sorry, you don’t have to apologise.”
“Yeah, you’re right, sorry. Shit. Sorry. Ah fuck!” I shout as Teddy laughs at me. I put my head in my hands and sigh.
“That’s harder than I thought,” I say as the music gets louder.
We finish our round and order more drinks. It hits ten o’clock, and things begin to get rowdy. There are people dancing and singing, the sun long gone. Meanwhile, a chill air creeps around us.
“So what’s your family like?” I ask as Teddy downs his drink.
“I um, I don’t exactly get on with them. I haven’t spoken to them in a little while,” he explains, his voice cold like the night air.
“Oh, sorry, should I not have asked?”
“No no, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. I don’t hide it from people. It is what it is,” he explains, taking a sip of his drink. His hands are shaking. He places the glass down and begins fixing his hair.
“What about your family? Are they cool?” He asks, looking at me now. I take a sip of my drink.
“Well, my father passed away when I was a baby. I don’t really remember him, to be honest. Mum never said how he passed. And I’ve already told you about my Mum. It was always just us two.”
I remember her coming home from the bar she worked at with blisters on her feet and calluses on her fingers. She never complained to me. Not once. She told me she does it all for me. Any mother would for her children. I don’t imagine Teddy would agree with her.
“We don’t have to talk about her if you don’t want to.”
“Oh no, it’s okay! I like talking about Mum,” I reply, even with a growing lump in my throat.
“Did she support you when you came out?”
“Yeah! I mean, she had to try and wrap her head around it. Surprise Mum, no grandkids!” I laugh as I do jazz hands.
Teddy gives me a small laugh in reply. “It didn’t take her long.
The way I came out wasn’t exactly how I would have liked, but I’m glad I did,” I explained.
Teddy studies me for a minute, probably thinking about his next question.
He decides to proceed, but sips on his drink first.
“So, how did you come out? Why do you wish it went differently?” He asks. I freeze. Another tricky question I don’t know how to answer.
“Well… I sort of dumped a lot of other things on her at the same time. I had a bit of a mental breakdown. I had my friend Kai with me, though. He was really supportive too.”
“Kai sounds awesome, it would be nice to meet him,’ He says, smiling at me. He fixes his hair again and looks out at the sea. The mixture of sounds from the bar and the waves feels like home.
“I’m actually living with him, I know he’ll like you as much as I do. I think you two would get along well.”
“Yeah, next time we have a night with the gang, we should invite him along,” he says, finishing his drink.
Teddy opens his phone to order another round. By this point, the bar is packed. The music is louder, and I have to shout for Teddy to hear me.
“Are you wanting just the same?” Teddy asks, looking up from his phone.
“Just a Diet Coke, please,” I ask. I can feel myself getting drunk, and I can’t let it happen. I need to stay in control.
Stay in control.
Stay in control.
Stay in control.
“But you’ve only—” Teddy starts, but changes his mind. “I’ll order that for you, this round’s on me,” he adds, inserting a slight smile to put me at ease.
A tall man bumps into the back of me. He apologises, but for a moment, my mind believes it to be Jonathan. Something as simple as the shirt he’s wearing makes me think back to the party.
That’s silly, though. Jonathan isn’t here. Jonathan isn’t here, and I’m safe. Right?
I’m safe.
I’m safe.
I’m safe.
I choke out, “It’s fine.” The man moves back to his friends.
They’re loud, everything is deafening, and I can’t hear myself think.
I can’t even hear Teddy. The sounds ring in my ears as my body begins to freeze.
I sit there and start to shake as my breath escapes me.
I can’t breathe. Fuck, just breathe! Come on!
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe.
Fuck, I can’t fucking breathe.
My vision blurs as the sights and sounds overwhelm me. I’ve lost all control. I need control. I want to run, but my legs won’t work.
“Hey hey hey,” Teddy says quickly. “Focus on me,” he says, guiding my chin to face him. I want to feel control again. I need to run. I need to breathe. I need—
“Focus on my voice,” he says as he takes his hand and inserts it into mine.
“Let’s get out of here. Somewhere quiet.”
I nod and he guides me away from the pub, hand in hand. We sit in the sand, and he helps me breathe. I try to synchronise my breathing with the movement of a wave.
In. Out. In. Out.
Teddy guides me, and I feel like we’re in our own little world. Control starts to come back to me as air fills my lungs. My hand still trembles, but not as much as before. An overwhelming feeling of exhaustion takes root in my body as Teddy holds my hand again.
“That better?” He asks. His ocean eyes haven’t left mine since we sat down, and to be honest, I’m not sure what would have happened if he wasn’t there.
“Yeah,” I croak out, my mouth is dry. His hand feels at home in mine. I never want to let go.
“Let’s go somewhere quieter,” I say, and we start trekking up to Sunset Cliffss.
Teddy doesn’t say much on the walk. He squeezes my hand every so often, which melts my heart.
“Do you have a lot of panic attacks?” Teddy asks as we reach Mum’s bench. I didn’t realise this was where I was headed, but it feels right. We sit down and watch the moonlit waves below.
“To be honest, yeah. I’ve had them for a while,” I tell him, my heart threatening to beat out of my chest. I hate telling people this.
People begin to think you’re pathetic, and they run away.
People can’t be bothered putting up with the inconvenience.
But that inconvenience can be someone’s everyday.
“When did they start?”
“Around fifteen,” I say, fixing my hair as the wind messed it up. “I had something happen to me at university, and they got worse. Ever since then my life has been tainted with them,” I add. I study Teddy’s face, and all I see is worry. His eyes are focused on me, while his lips are in a line.
“Did you ever go to the Doctor’s for them?”
“I did but… the medication made me feel like shit,”
“That’s awful,” He says, his eyebrows high and voice low, almost like a whisper.
“So...you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but… what happened to you?”
I think about telling him, I really do. I just don’t want to talk to him about it yet. I’ve told people before, and they leave me or become awkward. I don’t want to ruin what I have right now. I know deep down I’ll end up telling him at some point, but for now, I stay quiet about it.
“Is it okay if I don’t talk about it right now?”
“Yeah, of course. Only tell me if you feel comfortable enough, okay?” He says, placing his hand in mine and squeezing slightly. I squeeze his hand back.
“Okay,” I say, a soft smile appearing on my face. He has dealt with this so well. Most would cower and run away as soon as a mental illness thing happens. People say they’re supportive, until they actually need to support someone.
I don’t feel nervous around him. I feel safe. I want this to work. I’ll try my hardest to make that happen.
Teddy walks me home. We’re hand in hand, and I can’t help but smile.
Are things finally getting better for me?
Is this what happiness is? Teddy is smiling too.
We’re just two boys smiling in a world that tells you smiling is a fairy tale.
They tell you to work, eat, sleep and repeat.
There’s never any room to smile in this world, and that makes me sad.
We arrive at Kai’s flat and we turn to face each other. We smile as we look into each other’s eyes.
“I had a really nice time tonight,” Teddy says, squeezing my hand.
“Me too,” I say quietly, my smile getting brighter.
Suddenly, he comes in for a kiss. My mind goes blank.
What if I break his heart? What if he breaks mine? I don’t know what his secrets are, but we all keep things caged in our chests.
All of us
Then he looks into my eyes, and I look into his. His soft eyes make me want to kiss him, but I know I can’t. Bloody angel wings and my bare flesh flash in my mind.
I can’t get hurt again.
I back off, my lips yearning for the warm touch of his. My heart says yes, but my mind screams no no no.
Teddy looks hurt. His face grows red. Although he doesn’t pursue the issue.
“See you at work, Noah,” he says. His frequencies barely reach my ears. He lets go of my hands, and I almost want to reach out for the warmth again. But something deep inside me keeps me rooted in place.
“Bye,” I say, praying he doesn’t see my tears glimmer in the moonlight.