Chapter 12
Iwalk into work slowly, a fake smile plastered on my face.
I head over to the till, scanning the room for Teddy.
I know he’s going to ask me about last night, and to be honest, I don’t even know what to say.
Why didn’t I kiss him back? I like him, I want to kiss him, so why didn’t I kiss him back?
My thoughts race like a bullet train, causing me to accidentally knock over a pile of books onto the floor. I sigh and begin picking them up.
As soon as I see Teddy walking over, I feel myself crumble. I know I can’t have him. I can’t. I can’t get too close because I know no matter what I do, I’ll lose him. He saw me have a panic attack, I’m already driving him away. He’s already slipping through my fingers.
“Oh hey, you alright? Let me help with that,” He asks. I look into his eyes. They say the eyes are the window to the soul. All I see in his eyes are secrets and deceit. Why can’t I trust him? He’s perfect, and I’m not. What does he see in me? I want to make this work but… deep down, I know I can’t.
“I’m fine, should I put these onto the shelves?” I ask as we finish picking up all the books.
“Um, yeah, if you want,” he says, almost taken aback. I kind of cut him off there. But I need to.
I’m already too close.
I’m sorting the books on the shelves in alphabetical order. Focus on the letters. They both die at the end, that’s a T Book, place it in the T section, Noah.
I need to stop shaking. I need to ignore the noise in my head.
Wolfsong, that’s a W Book — Oh shit, Teddy’s coming this way. Concern is on his face as he comes into view. I try to ignore him and get on with what I’m doing.
“Are you sure you’re alright?” he asks, his voice filled with worry. Worry that I put there. I practically waterboard people with worry at this point.
I shouldn’t be doing this. Why am I doing this? Why can’t I just let this happen?
“I’m fine,” I say, putting both my hands up, “Honest,” I add. He doesn’t believe me though, his eyebrows raise before I continue putting books away. I don’t even know if I’m doing it right.
“Is this about last night?”
Oh my god, he brought it up. Why is he so bold?
“Um… I… I don’t know. I’m fine, though, I just…” I stutter, the words in my head not translating into actual words. It’s his fault. His presence in general causes my brain to stop working.
“So you’re sure you’re okay?” he asks again, he’s not convinced.
“It’s just, I like you and I just know I’m gonna fuck it up somehow,” I mutter, placing the books down with a sigh. I turn to face him, and I almost wish I didn’t. Now I’m lost in those gorgeous blue eyes, and I’m back to beating myself up for not kissing him last night.
“So what if we fuck it up? All we can do is try,” he says, and my heart skips a beat.
I never thought of it like that. Should I just take the leap, even if it’s going to end in pain?
I don’t think Teddy would ever hurt me, but I don’t know if I could deal with losing him either.
Is love worth the pain that comes after?
Does it need to end in pain? Is love worth that risk?
My mind races in a way that makes my head hurt.
“I’m not going to force you, I just… I get the feeling the reason you didn’t kiss me last night wasn’t because you don’t like me,” he says, seeing right through my bullshit.
“You need to stay out my head,” I say, a smile forming.
“So I’m right?” He asks, and I feel my entire body relax completely. He is right. I do want to kiss him. I like him more than I like life itself right now. I just… I don’t want to get hurt again.
Before I know it, I’m pushing my head against his chest for a hug. He wraps his arms around me, and I’m home again. There’s something about the warmth of his arms that makes me feel like everything will be okay.
“I just got scared, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, I get it,” He says in a whisper. He starts stroking the back of my hair. I can smell his aftershave. I smile widely. We stay like that for a few moments before we stand back from each other. I almost whine as the warmth dissipates.
The shift is finally over. We were super busy today, tourists are probably buying books for their journey home. I make my way over to Ted until I notice he’s speaking to someone I don’t recognise.
“Are you fucking serious? I don’t want to see you. What are you doing here?” I hear Teddy shout. He’s shouting at the man, but I can’t see his face.
“Is that any way to greet your big brother?”
His brother? Teddy told me he didn’t speak with his family anymore. I cower behind one of the bookshelves to eavesdrop.
“I don’t want to speak with any of you. I’m done with you!”
“You can never be done with us, Edward! C’mon, we’re family!” he booms, his voice penetrating the room. His voice is deep and gravelly, like he smokes 10 packs of cigarettes a day.
“Not anymore,” Teddy says bitterly.
The man makes a noise with his breath like a bull. I hear the sound of a slap as Teddy drops to the ground in my view.
“You better not fucking rat us out,” he warns him, pointing at him aggressively. “Fucking faggot,” he mutters.
“Hey!” I shout. I rush towards Teddy and help him up.
“What gives you the right to speak to him like that?” I ask, my voice laced with molten anger that fills my face with red. My heart beats quickly as the man stares me down. The corners of his mouth curve up.
“Who’s this? Your boyfriend?” He jests.
“So what if I am?” I say through gritted teeth. My fists are clenched as the man begins to laugh, amused by me sticking up for Teddy. Then his face grows serious as he studies me.
“Hmm, where do I know you from? What’s your name?”
“It doesn’t matter what my name is. Don’t ever come back here,” I tell him, staring him down. He doesn’t look scared, just amused. He turns back around just as Elijah arrives back from the shops. Teddy’s brother pushes the door open with all his strength and almost hits Elijah as he storms out.
“Who the hell was that? Are you okay?” I ask Teddy, turning to him.
“I’m fine,” he says, massaging his cheek. It’s a deep shade of red, and it makes me want to run back out and slap him back, and then some.
“Was that—?” Elijah starts.
“Elliot,” Teddy interrupts.
If he’s the type of person to call his little brother a faggot and slap him, no wonder Teddy wants nothing to do with his family.
“What did he want this time?” Elijah asks Teddy.
This time?
“It doesn’t matter,” Teddy bites back. Elijah seemingly gives up pursuing the issue. He sighs and begins cleaning. This isn’t the first time this has happened.
“You, me, office. Now,” I tell Teddy, taking him by the hand. He follows me without hesitation. As we enter the office, I grab a clean washcloth out of a cupboard. I hold it under cold water for a few seconds. He’s massaging his cheek quietly as I do this.
I sit next to him and place the washcloth against his cheek. He gasps as the cold, damp cloth touches the fire on his cheek.
“What are you doing?” He asks quietly, looking at me while I pay attention to his cheek.
“Does it hurt?” I ask, dabbing the cloth softly against his skin. Droplets of water run down his skin and land on my arm.
“A little.”
“You’re lying,” I say, knowing damn well he’s hiding it to look strong for me.
“You don’t have to be embarrassed, you can tell me it hurts Ted,” I tell him, causing a soft smile to appear on his face.
“Okay, it really hurts,” he says as I get up and run more cold water onto the cloth.
“Has he done this before?” I ask. I continue rubbing the cloth gently against his cheek. There’s no blood, his cheek’s just red. There’s so much red…
“Once or twice,” he mutters.
“Asshole,” I mutter back. We stay like this for what feels like a while. I’m so close to him that I can feel his breath on my neck.
“What is it he doesn’t want you to rat him out about?” I ask, my voice soft and calm. The redness of his cheek begins to calm down.
“I don’t even know. I think he just says stuff to give him a reason to torment me,” he says, and part of me doesn’t believe him. I don’t press him on it, though.
“Well, as long as I’m here, he’s not coming back,” I say, my heart threatening to leap out of my chest. I’m not used to feeling this molten anger flow through every vein in my body. When was the last time I cared for someone I hadn’t known for long? It’s barely been a month.
“I won’t let anyone hurt you,” I tell him, trying to comfort him somehow. I’m not sure what I can do to help him, but I know in my heart I would do anything.
“Since when were you so protective?” He asks, and I freeze. I give him the cloth to finish off by himself. Angel wings and my bare flesh appear in my mind again. I can’t get those nightmares out of my mind. Every time I feel myself getting closer to him, something in me puts a wall up.
I can’t keep letting that monster control me.
“I didn’t say you had to stop,” he says, looking into my eyes. His eyes are glassy, like part of him wants to cry. He looks so vulnerable like this. This is a side of him I haven’t seen yet, but it’s also a side I don’t want to see ever again, if I can help it.
“You’re cheek’s starting to calm down,” I tell him, rubbing my thumb on his cheek in a circle. We’re so close. Our breaths reach each other’s skin in a way that makes my heart melt and my brain shut down. His lips look so soft. Should I kiss him? Is now the right time? Probably not.
“Kiss me,” he whispers. My heart skips a beat. I’ve never wanted anything more. I don’t want to get hurt again. But maybe… maybe it won’t be like that. Maybe this time things will be different.
Teddy isn’t Jonathan. I need to stop acting like he is.
Fuck it.
I slowly lean forward as we close our eyes. His breath reaches my face. We inch closer and closer to impact. And then we—
“Hey, I have a question,” Elijah interrupts, opening the door loudly. We jerk back from one another.
“Wait, what did I just walk in on?” He asks, a small laugh escaping him.
“Nothing,” I tell him quickly. He’s not convinced.
“Well, I was going to ask if you guys wanted to go to Flambards at the weekend? Might be good to get out of here for the day.”
The theme park? I haven’t been there in years.
“It was my idea,” Cat says, peering behind him. She looks at us both and raises an eyebrow.
“You better not be doing anything gay in here,” she says, smiling at us. The two in the doorway give each other a look, like they’re trying to communicate telepathically.
“Not now we’re not,” Teddy says, squeezing my shoulder as he gets up. He places the washcloth in the sink and begins to head out.
“You coming?” Teddy asks, looking back.
“Definitely,” I tell him, following him out of the office.