Chapter 13
On my way home from work, I pass the window of Kai’s flat and notice Demi and Harry inside. They’re talking to Kai about something that I can’t make out. Demi is bug-eyed and pointing at Kai, while Harry just sits there with his head in his hands. I crack open the door quietly.
“There’s no way you’re actually considering telling him,” Demi shouts. Kai’s arms are folded over, and he’s looking at the ground.
“Mum, we tell each other everything. I don’t think he would judge me given the circumstances,” Kai explains, looking at his mum now. Demi’s eyes are wide and her face is red. There are a few sounds of disbelief that escape her throat as she thinks of something else to say.
“You don’t think he would judge you? Baby, you don’t know how a person will react to that sort of information,” she tells him, attempting to touch his shoulder, but he shrugs her off. He lights a cigarette in front of her and Demi just shuts down. She slumps down next to Harry.
“I don’t know what to do with you,” Demi sighs, leaning back on the chair. I take this chance to enter the flat, placing my bag next to the shoe rack.
“Oh, hey guys. I didn’t know you were all here,” I tell the room, smiling at them. Kai doesn’t look in my direction; he continues to smoke his cigarette in the kitchen.
“Hello Noah, how are you doing?” She asks, looking up at me. I go to take a seat across from them.
“I’m doing good, I don’t know if Kai mentioned it, but I got a job at the queer bookshop on the main strip,” I tell her. She opens her mouth in surprise as she goes to take a sip of tea. There’s no steam coming out of it, though. Is it even still warm?
“No, he never mentioned it. How’s that going?” She asks, holding her mug in her hands as she crosses her legs. Harry just sits there, onlooking the conversation, while Kai smokes his cigarette. His eyes are puffy. He catches my eye and turns away.
“Yeah, it’s going well, I’m enjoying it so far. The people that work there are all really nice, too.”
“Oh, that’s good. Glad it’s going well,” she replies.
“How are things going with the insurance people?” I ask. Kai told me Harry has been on the phone with them recently over what had happened at the surf shop earlier this week. I didn’t want to come in and pretend like it wasn’t happening, even if we all wish it wasn’t.
“I’m not sure if they’re going to pay out as much as we need to be honest with you. One baby step at a time, though. It’s all we can do for now,” Harry sighs. I agree with him before a moment of silence passes. I almost go to fill it before Demi does it for me.
“Well, it was lovely catching up, we were actually getting ready to leave when you came in,” she says with a small laugh. Harry and Demi get up, and she grabs her purse. She looks back at Kai and gives him a wave. He glances back, then turns away again. I walk them both to the door.
“It was nice seeing you,” I tell them before shutting the door behind them. I go to the kitchen and light up a cigarette. I place a hand on Kai’s shoulder.
“You okay? It looked like you were having an argument when I came in,” I ask, before taking a draw. The golden hour light is filling in the details of Kai’s face. I can see a trail on his cheeks left by tears. His eyes are bloodshot and wet.
“Yeah, I’m fine, honest,” he says, trying to force a smile. I look at him with my eyebrows raised.
“You don’t look fine.”
“Thanks very much, dickhead.”
“Do you want to stop being a dickhead and tell me what’s going on?” I retort, my eyebrows raised. He sways over slightly and shoots me a look. He then gives up and sighs.
“Okay, we had a small argument, nothing I haven’t dealt with before,” he tells me, relighting his cigarette. He brings the smoke into his lungs and exhales. The beams of sunlight intertwine with the wisps of smoke, as the two of us add to the charming display.
“She was always hard on you,” I point out, flicking ash into the ashtray. It’s beginning to pile up with cigarette butts.
“So what was the argument about?”
“How much did you hear?” He asks, eyeing me now. He moves his cowlick away from his forehead. He coughs a little before taking another draw. I get a glass and fill it up with water, and hand it to him.
“There was something you were considering telling me? And she was talking you out of it?” I tell him honestly.
One thing Kai and I have always done is never lie or keep secrets from each other.
I think it’s probably why we’re so close, even now after being away for so long.
Even the biggest secret we had between each other, him being trans and me being gay, was quickly told to the other.
He was the first person I thought of telling.
“Yeah… I do have to tell you something. I’m just not sure if I’m ready yet,” he explains, looking away. He leans against the kitchen counter, spilling some ash onto it.
“Is it something serious?” I ask, tilting my head slightly. I continue smoking my cigarette, but it’s almost finished.
“It’s pretty serious. My Mum doesn’t want me to tell you, and part of me wants to agree with her,” he explains as he puts his cigarette out and places the butt into the ashtray. I do the same, and we move to the couch. We sit next to each other.
“I thought we told each other everything? There’s nothing I would judge you for,” I tell him, putting a hand on his shoulder. He shrugs it off and turns to face me.
“No, see this? This is a trap. You’re gonna hate me and I can’t face losing you again,” he tells me, his eyes becoming glassy again.
A few tears begin to fall down his cheeks as he chokes out a whimper.
I pull him in for a hug. As his face reaches my shoulder, he sobs and sobs and moans in a way I’ve never heard him do before.
“Why are you so upset? What’s going on?” I ask in quick succession, my voice growing in pitch. He takes his face off my shoulder as I grab a few tissues from the coffee table. I hand a few to him as he begins wiping his eyes. The tears keep flowing, his face wet.
“Well… I… um…” he begins, not knowing how to start. I’m patient with him, though, and soon he starts a coherent sentence.
“I’ve been really lonely. I’m not trying to say it’s your fault like…
at all. But it was when you left. I tried going on dates, but nothing really happened.
The only thing people wanted me for was my body.
And so I got to the point where I had moved out and I needed a little extra cash, so I started posting pictures of myself online,” He starts, while tears continue to flow down his cheeks. I wipe his cheeks and smile at him.
“You thought I was going to judge you for that?” I ask him with a small laugh. He shakes his head.
“That’s only the start of the story,” he explains, his voice hitches. He wipes his nose with a tissue before continuing.
“So I did that online, and I met up with people to have sex too. I thought it was the only way I was ever going to be intimate with someone. I’d never fallen in love before.
I thought sex was the only thing I was good for.
But one day, someone messaged me,” he says, his voice quivering.
He takes another cigarette out of the packet and lights it.
He inhales it slowly and exhales, while I grab my own.
He takes a few deep breaths before continuing.
“His name was Ben. He was really nice. We talked about different things that we were into, like movies and stuff. He never once mentioned anything about my body. Then, one day, we decided to go on a date. He made me really happy, Noah. Like really happy,” he explains before his breath catches.
Another tear rolls down his cheek. He wipes it away before taking another draw of his cigarette.
“So what happened?” I ask, coaxing him to continue. My heart beats hard in my chest. I catch myself tapping my fingers against my thighs.
“I… well, one night we were cuddling in bed. He said he wanted to be honest about something. I didn’t think it was going to be anything serious.” He pauses, taking deep breaths. He tries to keep himself composed. Another draw later, he continues his story.
“He told me he was part of the bronze family,” he cries, putting his head in his hands. Sobs escape his system again as he puts his cigarette in the ashtray. My whole body freezes.
“How bad is that? I’m disgusting,” he sobs, placing his head in his hands again. I slowly rub his back in an attempt to comfort him. I don’t think it’s enough, but I don’t know what else to do right now.
“You’re not disgusting.”
“I’m that lonely that I looked past all the red flags just because he was there for me.
When he told me his secret, I should have been surprised, but part of me wasn’t.
I knew it was too good to be true,” he cries, wiping his eyes with his forearm.
I don’t know what to say. I continue rubbing his back, trying to come up with something to make him feel better.
“After he told me that, he left for America, so I ended up alone anyway.”
“Would you have stayed with him anyway?” I ask him, knowing the answer already.
“Not after that, but I never got to make that decision,” he explains.
“I’m not going to judge you for any of that, Kai. You know I would never. It’s not like you knew. I just want you to be okay,” I say with a soft smile. Kai smiles back, but doesn’t reply.
“Did he tell you anything else? Like, who else was a part of the bronze family?” I ask. Maybe Kai has the answers I’ve been looking for.
“No, he didn’t say anything like that.” Okay, maybe he doesn’t have the answers.
“Mum didn’t want me to tell you because… well obviously because of your Mum and stuff,” he explains, his hands trembling. He picks up his cigarette again and continues to smoke.
“Well, it’s not like you knew beforehand who he actually was,” I tell him, trying to put him at ease. He nods as he exhales the smoke in his lungs.
“He told me a fake name and shit. I feel so stupid.”
“You’re not stupid, Kai,” I tell him. Putting my hand on his shoulder. He gives me a soft smile. He begins to laugh quietly.
“I’m such a mess,” he sighs. He stubs out his cigarette.
“Do you want to get a Chinese or something and listen to music?” I ask him in a bid to cheer him up. I hate seeing my friends like this.
“Yeah, I would really like that.”
“I also have another question, and feel free to say no if you aren’t up for it.
But we’ve been invited to go to Flambards with Teddy and his friends, if you want to join us?
” I ask, smiling at him. He begins to smile again, and my heart begins to slow down to its normal pace.
His trembling has finally stopped. His eyes look puffy, but not glassy anymore.
“Yeah, I would love to. I haven’t been there in ages.”
“Mind when your Mum used to take us as kids?” I ask him. I think back to the days during summer when we had the best days ever, just riding rollercoasters all day. Those were much simpler times. We were just kids being kids. I sometimes wish I could go back to those days.
“Yeah, we would never ride the bee coaster because we were too scared,” he laughs, resulting in a laugh from me, too.
“I think it’ll be fun. And you’ll get to meet everyone too. I think you’ll get along with them really well.”
“You think so?” He asks, looking at me now. I know he’s usually nervous about new people, but something about the fact that I get on well with them usually puts him at ease.
“I know so,” I say with a smile.
A moment passes, and I try to break the silence with a joke.
“So I’m roommates with a porn star. That’s a new one.”
“Oh my god, I didn’t think I’d ever tell anyone that,” Kai sighs, hiding his face. “This is so awkward,” he mutters.
“It’s okay, I think it’s cool. I did wonder why you didn’t leave the flat to go out to work… turns out you’ve been making money having fun with yourself all day,” I say, trying not to laugh.
“You’re making this worse,” he groans. He turns to look at me before we both burst out into laughter.