Chapter 15
Teddy and I are hand-in-hand as we walk towards his flat. The rest of the gang are a little behind us, caught up in their conversation. Teddy’s hand in mine feels like home.
“What’s your favourite song?” I ask Teddy.
“Blood Lines by Sleeping with Sirens,” he answers.
“I know who they are, but I don’t know that one,” I tell him, thinking back to my phase of listening to their old albums when I was in high school. It’s probably one of their newer ones.
“What’s yours?” He asks, squeezing my hand a little. He smiles softly at me as I think it over.
“Hurt by Vukovi,” I tell him, looking up at him. He looks back, and I smile. “Do you know them?” I ask.
“Nope, never heard of them.”
“We’re having a listening party later,” I say, squeezing his hand a little tighter.
“I wouldn’t mind that actually,” he replies, squeezing my hand back, while making my heart bounce. Listening party it is then.
We arrive at the flat and Teddy lets us in, shutting the door behind us as I take my shoes off.
“Oi!” I hear Cat shout behind the door. The rest of the gang come walking up the stairs. Teddy opens the door again. “Do we just not exist anymore, Ted?” Cat jokes.
“Sorry, Queen Cat, do you want a red carpet too?” Teddy jests, motioning her into the flat with his hand.
“Yeah, and some corgis too while you’re at it.”
Instead of going into the living room, Teddy takes me into his room.
His room is a box room with a king-size bed at one end of the room.
There’s a wardrobe at the other end of the room and a nude carpet underneath us that tickles my feet.
There’s a swivel TV on the wall with shelves full of DVDs and CDs for his CD player that’s currently on the floor.
There’s a big bookshelf too, all neatly organised.
There are a few fake plants scattered around, too.
“I love your room,” I say, putting my arm around his shoulder. He turns to face me with a grin.
“Thanks, Noah,” he says while turning on a few different lamps. He turns the big light off and the room is filled with gorgeous warm light. It looks so cosy.
I plop down on his bed, and the first thing I think of is what it would be like to be under the covers with him. Not to have sex, but just to cuddle. To feel his warmth and be close to him. I wish I hadn’t backed out of that kiss.
“What are you thinking about?” Teddy asks. I don’t know, maybe the fact his lips are looking very kissable right now, and I want nothing more than to lean over and do what we’re both (hopefully) thinking.
“Just you,” I say with a grin. This makes him smile. Then, before I know it, we’re lying down and facing each other. We’re quite close to each other. I can feel his breath on my face. He does a big yawn, which results in my brain copying him. He lights up like Christmas lights.
“Your yawn is really cute.”
“My yawn?”
“Is that weird?”
“No, not at all,” I tell him, a small giggle escaping me.
He then yawns again, but this time it’s definitely deliberate. My brain doesn’t know the difference, so it decides to make me yawn again. When I finish, I stare at him.
“What?”
“You did that deliberately to make me yawn.”
“Maybe?” He laughs, then we both laugh together. When we calm down, I find myself staring at him. My eyes are lost in his, the way a ship gets lost in the vastness of an ocean. Then a fire lights up in my heart, a hunger I can’t describe. I think he senses it as we inch closer to each other.
I begin to stare at his lips in a way I’ve never done before. My mind races with images of leaning forward and doing what I desperately crave.
“You can do it, if you want to,” he whispers.
I know exactly what he means. So I lean forward and put my lips onto his.
His lips are soft, and I can’t help but taste his tongue.
It tastes sweet like strawberries. The space between us is thin.
His hair smells like summer, one that is never ending and filled with happiness I never thought I could grasp.
I gently hold the hair on the back of his head while I try to get closer to him.
I move my leg between his, slotting myself into a puzzle I never believed I could fit in.
Our lips dance like fire, while my heart threatens to blow up like a firework.
He places a hand on my lower back, and I almost scream at the touch I’ve been waiting for.
Shivers run up my spine as I kiss him harder.
Small gasps escape me. We pull back and stare at each other.
“Does this mean you want to be my boyfriend?” He asks sweetly, his eyes locking onto mine. I smile widely and kiss him again.
“Definitely,” I tell him. His hands caress the bare skin on my lower back, making me gasp.
“Please, keep going,” I plead, my voice soft and quiet.
He catches on, and kisses me deeply again, then he takes his thumb and strokes my cheeks.
I wrap my leg around his body like a snake.
I want to get closer. There’s no more space for me to take up, but I’m trying anyway.
We twist round so that Teddy’s above me, resting on my chest. My legs wrap around his back as I kiss him deeper and deeper.
Our tongues play with each other as I feel myself fall deeper and deeper into a rhythm.
I’m devoted to his touch. I want to stay like this forever.
I slide my hand up his t-shirt, caressing his bare back.
“Is that okay?” I ask in between kisses.
“Yeah, I’m all yours,” he whispers as my heart explodes. It feels like we’re the only ones that exist in the universe.
Suddenly, a hunger appears below my tummy.
When he pulls back to look into my eyes, I already know what I want.
He flashes me a smile as bright as the sun.
God, I love that smile. I’d give anything to wake up to it every morning.
Everything in me screams yes as I pull him closer.
His breath on my face makes me feel a kind of warmth I’ve never felt before.
He backs away before looking me in the eyes again.
Tentative fingers brush against the crotch of my jeans, before he asks with his eyes if he can keep going.
I nod yes before moving into his hand. The electric touch, even through thick fabric, makes my body scream.
I rest my head on his shoulder. He continues to rub up and down, which makes all the blood rush down there instantly.
I unbutton my jeans, then his hand slides down my tummy and into my boxers.
He kisses my neck, which is more sensitive than I thought.
Fireworks explode in my heart as I groan into his shoulder.
Touching me down there is not where I expected this to go, but I want it to.
But the more he touches me down there, my whole body begins to tremble, and not in a good way. I can’t help but think of bloody angel wings again. Why am I thinking about that? And why can’t I stop shaking?
“Are you okay, Noah?” Teddy asks tentatively. He rests his hand on my crotch before looking me in the eyes. The touch is electric, and it should be everything I wanted. Why can’t I stop shaking? What the fuck is wrong with me?
“It’s… I don’t know… I’m sorry,” I whisper, and Teddy stops touching me immediately. Embarrassment fills my cheeks with red as I put my hands over my face. I swing my legs till they’re hanging off the bed. I sigh loudly. I’m facing away from him, but he gets up and sits beside me.
“I’m sorry it’s not you… it’s…” I begin to say, but I suddenly feel breathless. I can’t get my hands to stop shaking.
“Noah, look at me… it’s okay,” he says, gently taking my hands away from my face. I try to fill my lungs up with air while my bottom lip trembles terribly.
“You’re not mad at me?” I ask, my eyes threatening to spill. I can feel tears falling, so I cover my eyes again. All I see is darkness.
This is Jonathan’s fault, isn’t it? I hate that that monster has ruined this for me. Why can’t I have this one thing? I can’t do it, even though I really want to. Why can’t I just do it? I’m such an idiot.
“Why would I be mad? Baby, look at me,” he says as he pries my hands away from my face again.
“I’m not going to hurt you, okay? I promise you.
If you don’t want to do something, you tell me.
I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to.
” I sit there for a moment thinking about what he’s saying.
Something in me tells me I can tell Teddy about what happened to me.
The thought makes me want to run away, but I carry on anyway.
“I need to tell you something,” I say as tears slide down my cheeks. He wipes them away with his thumbs.
“A couple of months before I came home… I was at a house party. I got really drunk while I was with a guy I thought I knew… but he… he took advantage of me and…” I trail off, not being able to finish the sentence.
I think Teddy pieces the story together, though, his face is filled with so much blue, which makes me wish I didn’t tell him.
His eyes look glassy, like they’re sharing the pain I feel.
“I’m so sorry, Noah… I can’t believe that happened to you. I’m so so sorry,” he says as I lean into his chest. He grips me in a way that makes me feel slightly better.
“I… is it okay if we don’t have sex right now?” I ask Teddy, who’s eying me tenderly. He has such a caring look on his face, which makes me melt a little.
“Of course it is,” he says with a soft smile on his face. I wipe my eyes before gripping him tighter.
“I know I’m not ready for that… but I know I want it to be with you. Can we just take things slow?” I ask, placing my hand in his.
“Of course we can. I want you to feel safe.”
“I do feel safe. Honestly, you make me feel the safest I’ve been in years.” We stay like that for a few moments, just cuddling. I place a kiss on his cheek.
“Can we just kiss like we were? And… cuddle?” I say with red filling my cheeks. The smile on his face is so bright and full of life that it scares me. I don’t want to mess this up. What would I do without that smile to light up my world?
“You make me so happy, Noah. I need you to know that,” Teddy says, his chocolate hair glowing in the light.
A small chuckle escapes me as we lie back down again, just staring at each other.
His face is that of an angel. He’s perfect to me.
He leans forward, we close our eyes, and he rubs my nose with his, which makes me laugh a little.
“I’ve dreamed of this ever since I saw you at the train station,” he whispers.
“I was literally a mess. What exactly did you see in me?” I laugh as he cups my cheek with his hand.
“I saw someone who was trying. And was also just so hot like… how does that even happen? Have you looked in the mirror?” He laughs, kissing me again. The fire in my heart hasn’t gone away.
“You know, I kinda thought the same thing,” I tell him.
“Were you looking at the guy behind me or…”
“I was definitely looking at you, dickhead,” I laugh before he tickles my armpits. I laugh louder as I try to escape his grasp, but I’m captured by another arm grabbing me and pulling me close.
“Shit,” I laugh as I’m officially captured. He places me in the small spoon, which makes me laugh again. I crane my neck to look back at him.
“Does this mean I’m officially the little spoon?”
“If you want to be?” He says, then we kiss again.
“Time for sleep,” I whisper as he pulls me closer.
“But everyone is outside, we have to go out,” he tells me, a smile spreads over my face.
“No, we’re sleeping now,” I say softly.
We’re interrupted by a roar from Eli.
“OKAY NAH THAT IS SUCH BULLSHIT CAT AND YOU KNOW IT. HOW DO I GO FROM 1ST TO 12TH?” We both laugh in our own little world in Teddy’s bedroom. I feel safe here.
I realise now that we kinda forgot about the four other people we came home with. Teddy climbs over me to get out of bed and beckons me.
“I don’t wanna,” I say, pouting at him.
“C’mon, I think we’ve ignored them long enough.”
“I don’t think five more minutes would make any difference.”
“Right you,” he laughs as he lifts me from the bed and places me legs first on the floor. I just stare at him, bewildered.
“I didn’t know you were that strong?”
“You’re not that heavy,” he says. I eye him, then start running to the bed, but he’s already grabbing me and spinning me round until I’m back where I started.
“Damn okay,” I say, giggling loudly. Teddy puts his hand out again.
“You coming?”
“Yeah.” I take his hand and we walk out of his room.
When we open the door, we’re met with Kai and Daisy playing Mario Kart.
Cat fills some glasses with a fancy looking bottle of wine, the pink alcohol shimmering in the glasses.
She turns around and hands us both a glass.
“You’re breaking out the fancy wine? Are we celebrating anything in particular?
” Teddy asks, taking a quick sip of wine. Cat smiles.
“I don’t know, you tell me. We have thin walls here,” she says, grinning.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I say before I realise how that could be taken. “Not for any reason in particular,” I add, laughing nervously.
“Mhm,” Cat says, struggling to hide her laughter. I begin to think back to what just happened before I feel a hand pull my waist until I’m close to him again.
“Hey there,” I say, smiling again. My cheeks hurt… and my lips. I’m not complaining, though.
“Hi, I was going to ask if you’re hungry? Why don’t we order something like—”
“Are you guys ordering something? Oh my god, yes, let’s do that,” Elijah butts in, jumping over the back of the couch to get to us.
“Yeah, I was gonna say we could get pizza?” Teddy asks the room. We all agree in unison.
“Hawaiian?” Teddy asks the room. We all disagree in unison, with added disgust.
“See what I mean with his quirks?” Elijah says, elbowing my hip a few times.
“Stop being weird in front of your new boyfriend Ted,” Daisy jokes, before turning around and scrolling through songs on Just Dance.
“I don’t have any quirks… and I’m not weird. You guys are the weird ones.”
“Yeah, and it’s definitely rubbed off on you. We’re coming for you guys next,” Elijah says, pointing to Kai and I.
“Pretty sure we’re way past being normal,” Kai laughs before pushing Elijah onto the couch.
“Hey!” Elijah shouts as they both erupt into laughter. Kai goes to sit down next to him and Teddy and I follow them, hand-in-hand.
If this is what happiness is, I want to devour it with everything I have.