Chapter 16
Ihave another therapy session with Dr Satin today.
I’m supposed to be delving deep into horrible feelings and memories about the past, but honestly, I haven’t stopped smiling since yesterday.
I feel like things are finally going well for me.
Although, I feel a pit in my stomach when I think about being threatened at Flambards.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. So I’m trying to keep it away from my mind and focus on the positives in my life. And right now there’s a lot.
“Morning Noah, take a seat,” he asks, motioning towards the chair in front of him. He puts some paperwork away and grabs my file from the cabinet behind him before putting his full attention on me.
“So, how have things been since the last time we spoke?”
“Honestly, things have been great,” I tell him, a smile dawns on my face again. His eyes widen with intrigue.
“Oh, do tell. Anything exciting happening?”
“Well I recently got a new job at the bookstore down the road,” I begin, to which he nods in reply, coaxing me to continue.
“Well, the owner, his name is Teddy—”
“Oh Teddy? I didn’t know that was his name,” he says, crossing his arms. He adjusts his glasses and leans against the desk.
“Yeah, so we’ve been getting rather… close. We kissed yesterday,” I tell him, my heart thumps in my chest. I can’t get the image of us kissing out my mind, and the fact he was so caring.
“You kissed him? Really?” He asks, his eyebrows raise. “Do you think you’re ready for something like that?”
That wasn’t what I was expecting him to say.
“What do you mean?”
“Well with your history I mean… do you really think you’re ready for a sexual relationship?” He asks, his lips in a thin line. I was expecting him to be happy for me.
“Well, we haven’t done anything like that yet… well actually, we were about to yesterday but we stopped in the middle of it.”
“Why?”
“I think it was triggering for me,” I admit, thinking back to how my body trembled at his touch. I should feel safe with him. I still don’t know why my body reacted like that.
“I just…” he begins with a sigh. “I think you’ve maybe rushed into it a bit too quickly. And I mean… how well do you know this guy?” He asks, and I freeze. Why is he asking me that? It seems a bit too forward for a therapist. Or maybe he knows me better than I think.
“I know him pretty well… we stopped and he said it was okay. I told him about Jonathan too.”
“And what did he say?” He asks, leaning back in his chair. I look out the window towards the bookshop. Then back at Dr Satin.
“He said he would never hurt me, and that he wanted me to feel safe,” I tell him, my voice wavering.
As the words sound out my mouth, I slowly start not believing him.
I was so excited about these new feelings that…
I didn’t even think about if they were right for me right now.
I’m supposed to be here to heal, and I’ve thrown myself into a relationship. I’m so stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.
“Do you trust him?” He asks, and I… I don’t know how reply.
“I… I’m not sure,” I finally answer. The answer rots in my mouth. I feel like throwing up. Dr Satin nods and starts writing something down in my file.
“I want to trust him. I really like him,” I add, my eyes threatening to spill. I’m suddenly rethinking everything that happened yesterday.
“I think you should maybe rethink how close you want to get to this guy. Do you really know him as well as you think you do?” He asks. I feel my blood begin to boil.
“Why are you asking me all this shit? I was really excited about this and you’ve completely shot me down. What kind of therapist are you?” I shout, the anger filling my face with red. Dr Satin’s eyes go wide as he stands up.
“Look Noah, I’m just trying to help you. In my professional opinion, I think you should rethink this relationship before you end up getting hurt again,” he says, putting my file away. “I’ll see you next week.”
“But we still have another…” I begin, looking at the clock behind him. But he stops me.
“See you next week Noah,” he repeats. I get up and walk out, slamming the door behind me.
I lost control.
I lost control.
I lost control.
Why did you let yourself lose control?
You’re pathetic.
He’s just sowed all these seeds of doubt in my mind and I hate him for it.
But part of me is starting to believe him.
How well do I know Teddy? I’ve wasted all my time with a boy I’ve just met.
Now I’m no closer to figuring out who killed my Mum.
I don’t know who any of the bronze family are.
I hate myself for this. I don’t know what to do anymore.
When I walk out the building, it starts to rain, which is honestly… just fucking brilliant.
By the time I get back to Kai’s flat, I’m thoroughly soaked. I shut the door behind me and go to my room. Kai is sitting on the couch smoking a cigarette. He looks behind him.
“What’s up with you?” He shouts from the living room.
“I’ll tell you in a minute,” I shout back. I’m throwing all my clothes off and putting on fresh ones. I head back into the living room and light my own cigarette.
“So, I just got back to therapy,” I tell him before taking a draw. The smoke fills my lungs, and I find myself slowly calming.
“One of those sessions huh?” He asks, to which I nod. He crosses his legs on the couch and moves the ash tray between us.
“You wanna talk about it?”
“I just… I was really excited and happy about how things were going with Teddy… and he just completely ruined it for me,” I tell him, continuing to smoke.
“What did he say?” He asks, his eyes on me completely.
“He was trying to tell me I shouldn’t get into a relationship because of my history… or at least right now. He doesn’t know if I should trust Teddy.”
“Okay… what the fuck?” He asks, his eyes wide. He takes a draw of his cigarette and leans forward on the couch.
“That doesn’t sound like a therapist talking at all. He shouldn’t be saying shit like that to you, he should be supporting you while guiding you,” he says, his eyebrows raised. He moves the ashtray towards me and I flick my ash into it.
“I thought it was weird too, but I can’t help but think he’s right,” I admit, my heart beat speeding up.
“Can I tell you what I see? I see you as happy as can be and as… like… how do you say this,” He contemplates to himself. “You look like you feel safe with him, if you know what I mean.”
“I do feel safe with him,” I tell him, my mind looks through images of our time together.
How much I’ve smiled and laughed with him.
How safe I feel when I’m in his arms. How safe I felt when I told him about Jonathan yesterday.
He didn’t make me feel bad about not having sex either.
There wasn’t a single sigh, or any annoyed muttering to himself.
I’ve never felt more safe with a boy than with him.
“Then what’s the problem? Don’t listen to what your therapist says. He’s talking shit man,” he curses before lighting his cigarette again.
“So you think I should trust him then?”
“What I saw yesterday, I don’t think Teddy would hurt a fly.
He’s literally so nice. I always pick up on bad vibes, and I felt no bad vibes at all yesterday,” He tells me, smiling.
Yesterday was really good to be honest. I feel like I’ve found my people.
Dr Satin doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
He’s never met them before. He doesn’t know what they’re like. I don’t think I need to worry, right?
“In other news… I saw you getting on with Eli yesterday,” I say with a grin. They were very talkative yesterday, I was pleased to see it. Kai deserves someone like Elijah, even if it’s just as friends.
“It’s nice talking to another trans guy.
I haven’t met very many,” he admits, his smile wide.
In a small town, it’s rare to see another gay person, never mind another trans person.
But to be honest, I think this town is actually pretty queer.
There’s a lot of people who come to our Queer Bookshop, so there must be a lot of queer people that live here.
“Elijah’s lovely, and really funny,” I add. Kai smiles and looks away.
“You have a crush on him, don’t you?” I tease. His face goes red as he looks away again.
“Shut up, I literally don’t Noah,” he says back, ignoring me. I know that face though. He definitely has a crush on him. I wasn’t going to say anything but I couldn’t help myself.
“I saw you two yesterday, you looked like you were having fun,” I continue, laughing.
“Yeah, in a fun bro way.”
“A fun bro way?” I repeat with a chuckle. He simply nods at me, before smiling again.
“Okay, I might have a small crush. But you can’t tell him, I don’t want him to know yet.” I take my phone out.
“Oh wait, you said not to tell him? I just texted him.”
“WHAT?” He shouts before lunging towards me and grabbing the phone. He looks at my phone and it’s just blank screen. He throws my phone onto the couch.
“Oh ha ha, very funny,” He says while I die from laughter.
We spend the rest of the night talking about our new found feelings and how much we like the new friends we’ve made. Things are going well for us. I told him about kissing Teddy, and how we almost had sex. We smiled till our faces hurt.
I don’t think I ever want to lose Kai again. I should never have ran away. I regret that now. It’s good to be back in Perrancombe.