Chapter 17
I’m on my way to work, when I notice something horrifying on the front window of the bookshop.
Three dead rats hang from their tails on the doorway, their eyes gouged out.
They slowly drip blood onto the concrete pavement.
On the right window, a bloody message reading, DON’T, resides.
It’s a horrific sight, and makes me want to throw up. The smell is pungent, making me retch.
“Oh my god, what the fuck is this?” I ask Teddy, his arms are folded, and he’s standing a little away from me. There’s a bucket of soapy water and a sponge next to him.
“I don’t know,” He tells me, his face seething. I stand close to him, and place my hands into his. He relaxes a little.
“Did you see who did it?” I ask, looking at him now. I can’t tell if the message is for me or Teddy. My heart sinks.
“No, they must have done it late last night while we were asleep,” he explains with a sigh. I curse under my breath before Teddy picks up a wet sponge and launches it towards the window. It hits the glass with a loud, wet bang before landing on the floor.
“Calm down, Teddy, it’s not—”
“Calm down? Someone is purposely trying to ruin business for me. I’m going to lose everything. I built this place from the ground up and someone is trying to see it crumble to the ground.”
“You’re not going to lose anything,” I say, trying to comfort him but he shrugs me off.
We clean up in silence.
Work was slow today, for obvious reasons. A lot of people saw the display, or at least the dried blood on the concrete we can’t get out. I’m in my head the entire day. Sometimes my head just gets really busy and I can’t think properly. It’s like a weight on me that never seems to lift.
“Hey, you okay?” Teddy asks, popping his head in the doorway of the office.
I’m trying my best to sort through a box of books, but my mind is racing.
Teddy has a smile on his face, but it drops when he sees me.
I don’t like it when he worries about me.
When did we get close enough for that to happen?
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
“Yeah I’m fine,” I say, trying my best to smile. Teddy sees right through me.
“Please don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Lie to me. I want to know if things are busy up there,” he claims, tapping the side of his head. I know what he means, but I hate it. I hate how I’m a burden to him. How he has to check how I’m doing. It shouldn’t be like that. Everything should be perfect. But it isn’t.
“I don’t… fuck,” I curse through my teeth.
“I know it’s hard but you need to be honest with me about this stuff—”
“Then why aren’t you honest with me?” I retort. Fuck. Why did I say that?
Teddy takes a step back in disbelief. What is wrong with me? I mean, it was what I was thinking but I didn’t mean to say it. Teddy almost looks angry. Angry at me.
Why did Dr Satin need to put that thought in my head?
“What?” he asks. No backing out now I suppose.
“You say you don’t know who did this, yet you had your brother shouting at you the other week?” I ask, my voice steady.
“It’s not him. I know that much. Don’t you trust me?” He asks, stepping towards me.
“No, I don’t,” I admit. “He called you a fag Ted. He said not to ‘rat us out’. Who exactly is he?” My voice is rising now, my words laced in red anger that’s struggling to be contained. Dr Satin’s words swirl around in my head in a way I can’t ignore.
“Can we not talk about this right now?”
“But if you want to know about my shit, why can’t I know about yours?”
“Noah, babe. It’s just different, I can’t—”
“Yeah, it’s definitely different. My shit is just in my head.
It’s all in the past and all I’m doing is dealing with the trauma.
But this with you is happening right now.
It’s something bigger. I know it is. I need you to tell me so that we can work through it together.
I don’t want to have to worry about you twenty-four-seven.
A relationship shouldn’t be like that,” I explain, my voice shaking.
We haven’t even been officially dating for more than a few days and we’re already fighting. This is all my fault.
I’m ruining everything.
“Noah just quit it, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“He literally said don’t rat us out. What happened this morning with the rats hanging from the ceiling? It’s so obvious it’s him that’s doing this. But the question is why?” I tell him, my mind running through all the details. It makes complete sense in my head. Why doesn’t he just listen to me?
“You’re being paranoid,” Teddy says, waving his hand at me. I freeze. I’ve never seen this side of him before.
He thinks I’m crazy.
“Paranoid?” I scoff. “Really? Cheers for that Teddy.”
“No, I didn’t mean it like that, I—”
“No you know what, being called paranoid by the one person you felt sane around really makes you rethink things.” Tears blur my vision now.
How dare he say that to me? I thought he was different.
Obviously I was wrong.
“Noah–”
“No, you know what? Fuck you Ted. This is bullshit. You’re bullshit,” I shout. He begins to back off. Tears begin to fall heavier now and my body feels weak.
“Fuck this,” I say through tears. I stand up and grab my bag. I walk past him and I can hear him shouting my name. As much as I want to turn around, I keep on walking.
You’re pushing him away.
You’re going to end up alone.
You lost control again.
My footsteps are heavy as I rush out of the bookstore.